ZOO

The cycle continues and as I was on my walk with Elle this morning on this very beautiful day, I couldn't believe just two years ago, my parents were laid to rest.

 2 caskets. It was such a blur, I was in shock the entire time, actually, for the first two weeks. I shed very little tears that first week. I couldn't. It wasn't real yet. When I first walked in and saw my parents lying in caskets, I was hysterical but in a could barely breathe kind of way. It was so incredibly surreal to see your parents in that condition when you just spoke to them days earlier and they were happy and life was normal. I remember every detail of the day of the funeral. I was incredibly nervous and my stomach was very upset, I was shaking. I would not cry at the funeral and while I didn't write one note to rehearse my eulogy, it came out fine. I mean, c'mon, how can you possibly sum up in 5 minutes what your parents meant to you and your family when I couldn't have felt a knife go through my chest at that point. It went okay. The real sadness came on the way back to Cincinnati after I simply left all the troubles behind in Allen Park. Two weeks later I was driving down Edwards and about to turn onto 71 south and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was screaming Mommy and balling hysterical for a good 15 minutes. I actually could feel the sadness, I could feel the pit in my stomach and then it all began........the constant missing them and here we are today, still missing them just as much, but I have learned how to cope with the sadness. I will say that is the only difference. I'm still learning though....I don't cope well with certain things and I am seeing another therapist very soon. But I will set my expectations very low.....and I know with all of my heart that anyone I personally know would be handling this huge loss very similar to me. It's hard. I'm tired of being sad and moping around and thinking of how my parents died. It's so draining to miss two people so badly and to think how badly they would want to be here to see us, meet Elle and to watch their Aydan grow.  They are missing out and it kills me. I think that is why I am so sensitive about everything cause I think, oh my gosh, my folks would love more then anything to be here today. 

I knew I had to do something today outside of shopping and my normal walks with Elle (and cleaning and organizing).....we decided to get a Summer pass to the Cincinnati Zoo and try it out for the first time. Elle enjoyed herself and loved calling all of the new animals, "dogs". Everything is a Gracie to her. She sure is growing fast and laughs really loud ...and kisses us (puckers up and everything), hugs and kisses Gracie and loves stuffed animals......I am sure I will say this again, but Ted and I both agree, 14 months is our favorite stage thus far. (and she like sleeps and stuff....which allows us to drink wine on our porch and have our neighbors come over for a chat). Love it. 

Rest in peace Mom and Dad.......we love you so much and miss the fun you would bring to any room, any occasion.