strange

These dreams and nightmares I continue to have are just scary for me. Last night, I was with my Family, there was a basement which was where Justin was placed, it was like a jail, and he walked up the stairs with a guard and I walked over and I met with him. I hugged him, his eyes were watery. It was the strangest thing because my Parents were there. They were watching me talk to Justin. He looked devastated and lonely and bored at this new place. Then I walked down these stairs and saw a bit of the facility. It was very plain, wet and pretty dirty. It made me sad he was at a place like that-I know in reality-where he is placed-is not like this. But then my heart started racing as I got scared and started running back up the stairs and could feel he was running up toward me, then all of sudden I shut the door behind me, let out a big sigh of relief and I was in my Grandfather's kitchen in Wyandotte, who passed away in October, and everyone was there. My Mom and Dad were there, Elle was there. My Mom was holding Elle. Even my Grandmother and Grandfather were there- everybody that has died. But the entire time I knew everything, what had really happened-that they were all truly gone in reality. But they were all there alive in this dream of mine.

Then after Elle woke me up and after falling back asleep, I had another dream. Before going to bed, for some reason I was thinking about our family canoe trips as a child. I remember watching my Dad and Brother fall over one time and the canoe got caught under a tree. Justin was stuck on a large rock as my Dad tried to get the canoe from being stuck. He was successful, Justin jumped back into the canoe and they were fine-just a little wet. Christina, Mom and I watched this all happen but they were okay and we went on our way. SO my dream last night had canoes in them....all of a sudden, Ted, Elle and I are in a canoe and the current was getting really strong. It tipped over and the force was bringing me under. Elle was holding onto a tree all of a sudden. It was the weirdest thing-she's a baby, how was she holding onto a tree?.... And then all of a sudden I am staring at the bottom of this lake or river and I see my I-phone, with the exact case I have right now. I was trying SO hard to grab it. I was obsessed with this darn I-phone, apparently not my child who was hanging on a tree-yes, this is strange. I literally felt myself go under water but then the current started to pull me so I came up and screamed that I couldn't get the phone. Then, Elle woke me up again-must be teething-not a great night for sleep.

These dreams with my Parents and these strange connections are so vivid to me. I remember every detail. I wish I would have one of those dreams where my Parents would tell me they're okay, that they're happy and that while they miss us so much, they aren't missing out because they can see us. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I know my Mother well and my Mother would be devastated to not be here with us right now. That's the truth. If she knows what happened and all that she is missing out on, she is devastated. Who would want to be missing this? I know she wasn't ready to go. If you told me at the age of 50 I would be gone and would miss out on Elle and seeing her start a Family, and the joys of retirement- that would kill me. These are the thoughts I have on my mind constantly-they would want to be here-I won't get past how they died and how they left my family.

I always try to end with a happy note no matter how these moments may bring sadness to me every day..... I ordered Elle's 1st birthday cake from this amazing French bakery here in Cincinnati today--this is getting scary--"she's almost one"! They make beautiful cakes. Her theme this year is "Ladybugs", she is most definitely our beautiful bug........