another goodbye

Saturday I visited my Grandfather's home for probably the last time. For nearly 30 years, I have walked through the doors of this home to be greeted by my Grandfather and until my Grandmother passed, she, though crippled, always had a warm smile on her face. She had great, loyal kids. My Dad was a great Son to her. Yeah, he was likely a pain in the butt, but when I look back at my childhood and how he and my Uncle would lift her when needed and help get her get in and out of the house in the wheelchair, etc. I only wish I recognized all of this years ago. Now that my Parents and Grandparents are gone, except for my one Grandfather, you really start reflecting and realize things. Yes there are wonderful memories and I know they know I loved them all dearly, but there are regrets. I often feel like I didn't do or say enough. And I only had one chance, now they're all gone, together at least, but it's too late. I pray they can hear me now. It's very difficult to accept all of this and frankly, as I walked out my Grandfather's house Saturday after grabbing one of his prized possessions- "a puzzle", some old cookie cutters of my Grandmothers, and a box of my Father's things from his childhood, I said to myself how sick I was of shutting yet another door on my childhood. Another empty house-I was angry again.

Another generation gone and more loneliness for my family and I. It has been heart wrenching facing my new life without my Parents, and to have looked back on that month after they died. Should I have gone through all of their things? Did too much stuff get thrown away? I couldn't do it though. Even going through some of Grandfather's things was difficult. I didn't want to stay for long. I sifted through a couple of boxes, but none of this "stuff" will ever replace having him/or my folks physically here. As I was leaving, I thought of my Mom and Dad and how they would be dealing with the death of Grandpa and handling his house and his things and how my Dad was not good with facing death. I would be worried about him. But I am thankful that my Grandparents died pretty naturally and at a good age excluding my Mom's Mom who also died in her early 50's, my parents on the other hand was on such the other end of the spectrum is what causes this great difficulty. They were suppose to be here for many, many more years. I have said goodbye to two of the most important homes in my life, where so many memories were made; my childhood home and my Grandparents home. I was not ready to do all of this. I think back to early 2008 and if you would have told me all of this was going to happen and this is how my life would be at the age of 30, I would have never in a million years believed you.

Before leaving I did want to take a picture of my Father's childhood bedroom. I think I am going to be taking a bookcase from here. It's been in the family. It's old, they stored their books on there, likely all of my Aunts books. I have a feeling my Dad wasn't a huge reader throughout his childhood and teenage years. I am very much like my Father, great street smarts. But he did okay just as I am doing okay. Humor took us places and I am perfectly content with that. Class clowns but a C in Math.

As we start a new year, while I keep saying this is the year of peace and hope and moving toward acceptance, I am not totally sold on it yet. I don't want to set my expectations too high. I feel like there is still so much to deal with. I had another terrible nightmare Monday night involving Justin, guns, killings, another scary one....when will these ever go away? Because of the way my Parents died, these terrible thoughts could last a lifetime..and come and go.

On a brighter note, I get to start planning my Daughter's first birthday party. Yay. No farm animals but it will surely be a festive event. And she is OKAY..getting better......Sunday we visited the ER in MI and we were back last night in Cincinnati. Children's hospital of Cincinnati is an amazing place. There are really sick kids there. She had a chest x ray since she was so congested and they found another ear infection. Rats. But it is draining so the tubes are doing something. I hate seeing her uncomfortable and get especially nervous when anything is impacting her breathing and eating-we actually panicked. Daddy is staying home with her today and she has started another antibiotic. Working parents.....it's challenging but we somehow always manage to make it work. I'm proud that we are doing this on our own. Although, a Gramma down the street sure would be nice right about now.