visit

I had a thought yesterday, just for a moment, that I would visit my brother this year.

I pictured walking in and seeing him. No one could ever imagine facing something like this. It was my brother who ended my parents life. It's just so crazy. I am so afraid to face him because it will make everything even more surreal and it will face me with such reality and certainty when I see him that my baby brother really did this. I can't even imagine doing it. I picture myself nearly fainting and my heart pounding a million beats per minute. It's heartbreaking to me that it has been a year and a 1/2 since I have seen my brother. Almost 2 years this April.

Imagine seeing your sibling every time you went home and then boom, your parents are gone and then you also haven't seen one of your siblings either-it's really tough. He is always in the back of my mind. We are trying to heal and deal with the loss of our parents but I don't think anyone has faced or accepted my brother's situation. It's too hard for us so we ignore it. I know my Family feels badly about their distance. No one knows how to handle this. I know how much my Mother loved my brother and I wish she would tell us what she wanted us to do. No one raises a child thinking one day they could end your life. But it happened. My Mother's once sweet, innocent child ended her life. It would all hit me at once that HE really did this when seeing him. I would start picturing things. He knows everything. He was there. He saw my Mother, he may have looked her in the eye. Those details kill me. I am not sure out of anyone I know could handle knowing if there parents were killed this way? Sometimes I wish I would have memory loss but then of course I would never want to forget the 28 years of good memories, but it's so hard to focus on the good times when the end was so terribly bad that it is impossible to move on, forget or re-focus your thoughts.

For now, I will continue to send him a card here and there and we will get him anything he needs but I cannot commit to a visit yet, but one day I know I will do it. I don't want to have additional regrets. I hope he knows how much we care and how sorry we are that he too has to face this daily. This has truly been the unthinkable. I picture Easter of 2008. Yelling down to the basement for my brother to come as I had brought over his Easter basket.

Wow, I wish I could have known that would be the LAST time I would spend time with my Mom, Dad and Justin together as a Family. I was so casual as I said goodbye and headed back to Cincinnati. Mom and Dad would be coming down to Cincinnati for Mom's Birthday in April Dad said. I would see them then...so I thought. I am telling you, anything is possible in life and it's so sad to think that tomorrow someone else could be taken away that quickly. Never thought it would happen to me. The famous words.....

Check back next week for photos of Miss Elle's ladybug party on Saturday. Ted and I are thrilled to throw our daughter's 1st birthday celebration. I am thankful my Sister is coming down to help and to have some family representation. We are lucky to have friends in our life in Cincinnati to help celebrate with. We head to MI the following weekend to celebrate more with additional family and friends....Elle is a very special little girl and she is loved by many.