why here?

I took Elle to the cemetery this past weekend while in MI. How depressing..........I never in a million years imagined taking my first child to see my parents grave, both of them at the same time. 

Aunt Kim and I attended a baby shower for my Mom's god child and it was clear, Mom was missing. She was the smiley, friendly one hugging and chatting it up with the family. Kim and I loved seeing the family but honestly, these events are really hard as I never attended functions like this without my Mom. It's hard to focus on anything other than the fact that she wasn't there. 

We decided that after the shower we would go to the cemetery which would later lead to many tears.......

The hardest part is when you first walk up the hill. I always look for the 4 trees. That's how I know I parked in the right spot near their grave site. The hardest part is seeing the last name "Olszowy"but then seeing both of their names. "What?" you ask yourself. "Why are they both here right now?" We needed you and I have a daughter now and I really, really want you both to meet her and be a part of her life.  We got angry, sad, said a few swear words, left the little egg nest and poem that was given to us as a favor at the grave site, and left.......as Kim and I drove our separate ways after a long hug, tears continued to fall as I watched her drive off thinking how said I am for her that she too lost Mom and Dad. They were everything to her too and she needed them. 

I wasn't going to go but Aunt Kim and I decided Mom would be bummed if we didn't visit but Dad would be yelling, "stop crying over me, will you leave this place already!"

It's not as if you need to visit the cemetery to remember them. I'll always remember them and they're in my thoughts constantly, but still......I think visiting would be important to my Mother. 

I told Ted when I got home, "I don't want to be buried and have Elle visit and cry over me..........throw me into the ocean......" (not sure if this will work seeing as I do not want to be cremated). Well, one day I will have this discussion with Elle.........morbid, perhaps a little, but I wish Mom and I would have had these discussions on visiting the cemetery when their gone, and how she would not want me to be sad, etc. But of course, we never thought there were any reasons to have these conversations. Not this early and certainly not this way. 

I need your help in getting past how you died. No one else will ever know (thankfully) what it's like to live every day knowing and picturing how you were killed. It's a constant scary movie playing in my mind that just won't stop. Trust me, I'd love to only "think of the good times" people say to me. But it's so much easier said then done.  

Miss you Mommy and Dad, 

Melissa and your granddaughter- Elle

Why did I have to take Elle here? Why now? Why this way??????