proud

Just when you think your going to have a decent day with happy thoughts, it totally gets squashed. 

One week from today, my parents were killed. I wanted to call my parent's good friend/neighbor today since it's doubtful I'll make many calls next week. I can already feel the pit in my stomach enlarging. I talked to them about Elle and how they've been dealing with things over the past year. "It's been a tough Winter" they said. "We always spent it indoors with Patty and Jerome". 

Then in talking with them I found out my Mom's friend/neighbor was held up at gun point a few months ago while working at a local bank. She told me how scared and shaky she was and the first person she thought of was my Mother. She was telling me how scared she was and this person was a complete stranger. I cannot imagine it being my own Son. 

See, some people don't understand I don't know a lot of the details of the actual shooting. I cannot handle them. But I am pretty certain now and probably have known this for quite some time, my Mother saw my brother through the door. That absolutely kills me. Why did she have to see him? Did she look when she heard the noise? My poor Mommy, seeing her only Son who she loved so much? This is the part that I cannot handle. I tell myself it's not true or if it was-it was too quick for her to process. But, she was alive for an hour and I am so sad for my Mother for that hour. 

"I can't imagine losing both of my parents at the same time" she said.  No you can't but that's not that worst part, we'll all lose our parents one day. It's how and when they went. It will haunt me for the rest of my life no matter how wonderful my life still is. 

My life is wonderful. But it will never be as wonderful as it should have been. 

I am fearful for the future. I feel like I have no one to make proud anymore. My Dad's yelling at me right now....you have Ted! you have Elle! you have awesome friends and family-- make them proud!  Yes, but I loved making my parents proud. No one will ever be as excited as my parents for ME. A job promotion, a new house, a race, most importantly-my parenting, ............no one will ever be as proud of me as my Parents.  That sucks.  

On April 7th, they're trying to gather friends up to my Dad's favorite local spot Boomers. So, if you live in the area stop up there that evening if you can.  I know a picture hangs in the bar of my Parents. My Dad would be very proud of that! 

I'll never forget driving back from the funeral home to make the arrangements and we passed Boomers and it said in big letters, Rest in Peace Pat & Jerome. 

What a nightmare.