my new family

A family loss............a family gain............

We lose people that are close to us. It's a fact of life. But, this early in life I never thought about losing my parents......to be honest, I never really even thought or prepared myself for losing anyone. 

I was young when both of my Grandmothers died. They were a huge part of my life up until the point of them dying, but I was too young to really understand the impact of losing someone important. I remember visiting my Grandma Greiner in the hospital.....she was bloated and didn't even look like her a few days before she passed. My Mother was probably devestated when she died and to think, I was not even there for her. Again, I was too young to really be there for my Mom but I am sad that I wasn't older. Because now I know how she must felt, eventhough her circumstances were different. She was prepared, as prepared as anyone can be I guess, but was able to say goodbye. But she was so, so sad and I never understood. But boy do I now...

I think one of the hardest things for me moving forward is dealing with other deaths and helping others. I don't want to become less sensitive when other people pass, but to me it would be such a blessing to be able to say goodbye to a loved one or even better...to not have them die tragically-it would  be so much easier to only remember the happy times. Even if that loved one were suffering from a disease such as MS or Diabetes- both the cause of my Grandmothers deaths, you are somewhat prepared. 

I never got to say I love you one last time or thank them for all they have done or tell them how much they will be missed. I had a very normal conversation with my Mother on Sunday, the day before she died. It was a quick call because we were up late the night before eating and drinking with our neighbors. Ted made us all Mexican and Jessie brought us over Mexican wine. I told her about the food we made and she told me what a great time she had with her Sister and kids the night before. My Dad made her breakfast Sunday morning when she got home. My Dad always cooked my Mom breakfast. 

Sadly, I talked to my Dad the Wednesday before they died yet he was always in the background when I'd talk to Mom. It was such a stupid conversation. Can't beleive it was the last one. We were talking about the IVY in our front yard. THE IVY!!!! Are you kidding me? I was complaining how it was dead and wasn't growing well.... he suggested replacing it with "rocks". He had an obsession with rocks. If you know my Dad, you are well aware of this. He built me a rock garden by the mailbox he installed for Ted and I at our condo in Plymouth. I called my old neighbor last week to see if the rock garden still exsisted. It does and she is working on taking a picture for me and sending it. All rocks hand collected from the beach and placed by my Dad........

I so wish I would have told my Dad what a great job of raising me he did and how funny he was and what a great cook he was and how much I loved him and sorry about the Ford Focus. I should have kept it and continued making payments on it even when I was given the company car. I should have never let the burden lie on Christina or Mom. That car was such a pain in the ass. You'd laugh now though. Christina is driving it! Yes, miss car snob is over her miles on her SUV and is using the focus in the meantime.  I know you guys are laughing now.....

I just hope you know Dad......I just hope you and Mom both knew how much you were appreciated and loved. I'm not sure you did and that makes me really sad. 

I have lost so much...yet gained so much....all in one short year...