The last family photo

While I have a ton of photos of you and Dad up until a few weeks before you passed away, Christmas Eve Day was the last photo we have as an entire family, with Justin included.

Christmas Day was always our day of celebration for what truly mattered in life (but I will admit for being excited for the presents too) and for exchanging gifts with the immediate family. However, since Christina began working at the Hospital and with Matt being a firefighter, our dates had to remain flexible. We decided to switch up the opening of presents tradition and moved it to Christina and Matt's house on Christmas Eve day.

Christina and Matt cooked a yummy brunch for us all, Ted and I brought Mimosas and Mom brought over warm cinnamon rolls. We laughed as Aydan tore through tons of presents from us all. We exchanged presents with Justin and he seemed happy and even gathered close with the family for this photo. This photo will be forever significant- the last family photo taken. Ted took this photo, that is why he is missing.

Everyone looks so happy and content. Dad, we gave you such a fun surprise! A 50 inch Flat TV! Mom Close and I found this TV at Circuit City and called Mom for her credit card # so we could get it for Dad. You were so thrilled! Mom Close and I had a grand old time loading two of these huge TV's in her vehicle (we got one for Dad Close too). You couldn't leave Christina's house fast enough to get it set up at home. Justin actually went with Mom to Ikea to buy the TV stand. He helped her get it into the car and home.

No one would ever expect this would be our last Christmas together as a family. Christmas was everything to us, even Justin. We always gathered as a family; exchanged presents, had yummy food and just enjoyed one another.

From the article, some may get the impression Justin was rather detached from the family. This is completely false Mom and Dad and we all know that. Although he didn't say much, he was always around. He spent a few days a week with Aydan since you baby-sat often, he was extremely close with you and he tagged along with you and Dad often when you went up-north on weekends. You were everything to him and did absolutely everything for him. I know he realizes this and feels tremendous shock for what he has done. You inspire me for the unconditional love you gave to him and all of the effort you put forth to care for him. I know it was hard and I am sorry I was not the greatest support system for you. I constantly tried to give you advice on what I thought was best for Justin, but only you and Dad knew what he needed. I am sorry I was not more help. I just wanted him to lead a normal fulfilled life. That's all I ever wished for. It makes me so sad and angry that medications changed who Justin was as a person as he continued taking them and eventually weaned off of them. It sure is a controversial subject, but it's so hard to imagine that minds can play tricks on us when weaned off from something you have taken for so many years. It's no one's fault, but I wish I would have been more educated on the risks.

Christmas will never be the same without our entire family. In fact, our entire life will never be the same. But what I am told is I will learn to adjust to my new life, as they call it. A new life, without the two most important people I knew. Unfortunately, that doesn't sound too enticing. A life without you in it... but I have one choice and that is to live it and one day, we will be together again as a family. It sure is easier said then done. I am not certain many people have ever gone through losing their parents at the same time in this form of tragedy (thankfully, this is rare), but unfortunately there is no no manual for the grieving process. You take one day at a time. Trying every single minute to be strong. People depend on me, and I am important, I deserve a wonderful life, but this life would have been much more wonderful with you in it. And that's the hardest part to accept.

You make me more proud each and every day to have had you as parents. A daughter could not ask for anything more. Just wish I had told that to you, everyday.

Maybe I can help others be more appreciative of what they have and to not sweat the small stuff. "C'mon, was your day or week really that bad?" Lately, I think that when I hear others complain, even though we all do it. You still have your family and love right? That's really all that matters in life. Honestly, everything else......seems so small.

While I know some pretty amazing people, there is one particular person that comes to mind that never sweats the small stuff. That is one of my greatest friends, Nicky Hinderberger. Of the 8 years I have known her, I can only recall her "sweating the small stuff" once and I think it was the time that I wouldn't take the garbage out....after living with her for a full year in Chicago. Sorry Nick, I hope you have forgiven me! :-)

Missing you more than ever Mommy and Dad.