A beatiful place, a broken heart

Lush accommodations. natural surroundings. a national park. 7 stunning beaches (we never even saw the pool). a beachfront room. Champagne toasts. Sunsets. Scuba diving with a Sting Ray. The most turquoise water your eyes have ever seen. The Caneel Bay resort in St. John was absolutely stunning, but with the thought of you no longer in my life, a sadness would come over me not allowing me to fully see how beautiful this place really was.

It would hit me out of the blue. Ted would be out snorkeling and I would be reading my book and my mind would start wandering. "how can I live my life without you in it?" I would ask myself over and over again, why did this happen to our family? How can my life still be special and wonderful without you in it? The sadness I feel is like a ton of bricks being carried on my shoulders. I find it difficult to fully explain, but my heart is completely broken. Any other way, Mom and Dad. Any other way. Not this way, not both of you. Why were you both taken away from me?

I had many nightmares while on vacation, not sure why. It could be because I slept so soundly. One was more of a dream. I was granted a wish to see you both one more time. I couldn't say anything to you about the tragedy that was going to happen. All I could do was hug you. I had two minutes. We were in my kitchen in Cincinnati. I hugged Mom first. I couldn't let go. I was squeezing her so tightly. She kept saying to me, "Melissa-why are you hugging me for so long? You silly girl". Then I hugged Dad, which he was usually a quick hugger. Not this time. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him.

I know this was a dream, but I hope you saw this dream and felt my longing to hug you once again.

Ted and I are very fortunate and blessed to take beautiful vacations. We absolutely love the beach. We are the type of people that can stay there all day long.

We reminisced over dinner on our favorite memories with the both of you. Ted still thinks his most fun he had with Dad was your last trip to Cincinnati in February. The bond that both of you shared was so special and not many people have that type of relationship with their Father-in-law. I am just so saddened it was over so soon. I wanted it to last for a lifetime. The memories will though.

Please don't get me wrong, we still had plenty of fun. I could snap out of it for a moment and we shared many wonderful bottles of wine over great meals while taking in the natural, beautiful, surroundings.

I know you wouldn't want my life to be filled with sadness and heartache, so please know that I am fighting it as hard as I can, every single day. I fight for you because I know seeing me happy would be most important to you.

Missing you terribly.