wow, November...

I haven't written in weeks...we've been so busy but finally will be home in Cincinnati until we leave for Thanksgiving. We had a busy few weeks - travel for both Ted and I, the kids were sick for a week so there was added stress in the household with me staying home for most of the week. But, I did get out to Dallas prior to my conference to see Aunt Lisa and my cousins. It was so wonderful to be with my family, Mom's side..... My Aunt made the kids the most adorable monogrammed hoodies...and I loved the chance to see her home and her sewing room and see the pics of my Mom around her house. It's hard all of us living out of State but as my cousin and I talked about....we are so happy that we've stayed so connected the last 4 1/2 years. It was therapeutic to be around them knowing it would make my Mom so happy. My cousin and her husband built the most beautiful home and it was so nice to get to know them even more.

I cannot believe November is already here....holidays will be here so quickly. Just going to focus on the kids and them having fun and doing as much stuff as possible with them to keep my mind off my family. But, it's so hard when Justin is calling constantly and is missing family, all that we used to have.....it's hard to put aside. I don't think that it's ever possible. I think I will always have to put that smile on and deep down be bummed around this time of year. It's just hard, this time of year is all about Family and surely I have a great one of my own....but I miss my family unit that I came from and sharing these beautiful kids.

But, we have great friends, more cousins in our family to share Christmas with that will make it so much FUN and a lot to look forward to as the year of 2012 ends and 2013 begins.....some big milestones approaching good and sad in the new year. We are all rooting for my Sister as she fights through Nursing school as a single Mom and I think the highlight of next year will be watching Chris accept her diploma. She's not there yet but I get chills thinking about it. I actually tear up even thinking of graduation....not having Mom and Dad here to be so proud that she finally did it. But, we take one day at a time and only hope for the best. I am trying to do a better job enjoying the moment and not think too hardly about the future and what it would be like "if"...

All my love and hope as we enter this Holiday Season that you are watching us closely and that you are truly here in spirit..............miss you so much every day.

Melissa

A busy Fall...

We had a nice weekend in MI..was able to catch up with my Sister, watched the cousins play together, caught some of Aydan's hockey game, meet our new niece Violet and took the kids to the cemetery for my Parent's 35th wedding anniversary. We would have had a party - or at minimum, took them out to a nice dinner. I feel so sad my parents didn't get to further celebrate their years together. They took "till death to us part" to a whole new level. I am happy that they never had to experience life without each other. I think that part brings some comfort as I am not sure how they would have survived on their own. I think it would have been so painful to watch as a child seeing your Parent heartbroken. They would have suffered. But, it doesn't make this any easier.

It's important for my kids to still be connected to my parents...Elle enjoyed the cemetery. We left flowers, a pumpkin and a balloon. And every time we see an Angel, or hear the word Heaven she yells with joy something about my parents (her Grandparents in Heaven). Harry ran around the grass stepping on their gravestone...without a clue what we were actually doing there. It bothers me tremendously they won't know my parents like I did. They were so funny and loving....and would have been a huge part of their lives.

A busy Fall it has been and it's not slowing down this month...this weekend we are hosting a fun little Fall happy hour with our friends and their kids. Next weekend I leave for Texas to attend a conference but before it starts, I get to spend a few days with my Aunt Lisa (Mom's sister) and my cousin Tracy and her husband. I am so excited to be there and explore a little of Dallas. My Mom was there about a year before she died for my Aunt's wedding. They had SUCH a blast, the pictures were so much fun. They converted my Aunt's home to a reception and danced the night away in her living room. My Mom was such a loving Sister - she always made the effort.  Then, the next weekend I will be back in MI for a friend's baby shower, then visitors in Cincinnati first weekend in November and our neighborhood block party then a suite with my company at a Bengals game....lots and lots of activities going on. Keeping busy is how I survive. Our mornings and nights are crazy after a long day at school for the kids and work for us....but it in the end it all works out....hustle and bustle works for our family.

Praying for Justin ...I am fearful some of his symptoms are coming back, his paranoia in particular, after several years of making so much progress. I feel so sad for my Brother and his fight against mental illness. I wish there was more I could do.

run for fun

I've finally gotten my running groove back. Since Mom and Dad passed and well, having two kids, it's been challenging to focus on one my favorite things to do which is run. I know, I know, I was teased all through school on who and the heck would "run for fun"...but I love it. Especially now, it's a stress reliever and a way for me to be in control and not a bad keep in shape/maintain my post baby body tactic. I've also found a fantastic running partner. A running partner, especially a good one, makes the world of difference. The last race I ran before Mom and Dad died, was the Country Music Half marathon in Nashville. They came down with me to watch me run and got such enjoyment seeing me cross the 10 mile marker with a smile on my face. We had such a great time. My running partner for several months was a co-worker and we had a similar pace and really motivated one another to keep the mileage up. I also didn't have kids at the time and it was easier to dedicate the hours to running. Now, I go a few times a week after getting the kids home from school, fed, bathed and tucked into bed....so it's a busy day ending with a great run. My new running partner has also become a great friend - her kids go to the same school as Elle and Harry and similar ages as well.

I had been pondering what I could do for my Parent's memory next Spring where it will be the dreaded 5 year anniversary of their death. Every year is HARD but 5 just seems so long since I've seen their smiling faces, heard their encouraging words or simply had a parent tell me what to do or what they think. I originally thought I would go back to MI and get all of their hundreds of friends and family together at a park, have a band play amazing grace and let go hundreds of red and blue balloons into the sky. But then I started feeling overwhelmed of the sadness I may feel or bring to others by making it an "event". April 7th is not a celebration but I do find comfort in honoring their lives on a day that brings such darkness to my Family. So then, I thought I would get some of our friends and head back almost 6 years later to Nashville and run that race again. Now it's leaning toward Cincinnati, staying local and running the Cincinnati flying pig half marathon so more people could participate and be a part of their ongoing memory....but we will see....nonetheless, a run feels right. Nothing I do will ever measure up to the great loss and void I feel or how much they are missed but running is something they enjoyed watching me do for many years and something I am thankful for that has come back to me after several years of not making it a priority after they died.

The kids are getting so big. Harry is starting to say the names of his friends in his class...i remember when Elle did that...we had no idea she knew all of their names and all sudden she was telling us their first and last names. Harry is the social butterfly at school....his teachers refer to him as the "class greeter"....he is really happy and sweet at school. At home is very much a mama's boy and I find myself holding him a lot still. I guess I don't want to let go of that baby stage that is quickly slipping away......Elle is such a big girl now. She has tantrums and moments that make us want to pull our hair out but she is getting even more beautiful and smart. I cannot believe the vocabulary and knowledge of someone so tiny.We miss you everyday, Mom and Dad...

All my love.
Melissa

Fall 2012 is here.

I'm so tired....Ted's been traveling all week which means hustle and bustle!  The kids and I actually do just fine. We eat simple meals. We keep the house clean. We get our walks and nightly baths in. I make their lunches. I sneak a shower in. I work all day. And sing to them at night.
I love them and am grateful they are healthy and thriving...but (there's always a but), I HATE being alone. Ever since my Parents died, I hate being alone. The anxiety and attention on the fact that my Family is gone and I don't have Mom to call worsens when I am alone with the kids. It's just a bad feeling. During the week is better because we are busy and have a routine...but Sunday I just felt off.

I felt depressed and worried. I felt sad my Sister and I can't see eye to eye on the future of the lake. I know in my heart its in the best interest of all of us despite the heartache we'll face. It comes in waves...for the most part, I am doing just fine.

We're headed back to MI again this weekend to work on the lake again and hopefully meet our niece OR nephew. But I look forward to being home more this Fall....getting the house back in order, having our friends over for happy hour, doing some fun things with the kids for the Fall.....I love the Fall. It is by far my favorite season - as soon as Labor day was over....out comes the Fall decor and everything pumpkin. I love chillier nights, skinny jeans, boots, hoodies, pumpkin ale and a good fall chardonnay. I love anything orange - and all things for the home that smell like Fall (especially my company's new line of Glade seasonal candles!). Next week (my turn to be out and about) I have several fun little events - I am hosting a mixer at a very cool wine and food place with the Network of Executive woman. It's great to surround yourself with other woman in the industry who face the same juggles and challenges as a working Mom. We want to do it all....we try our best but many of us are at capacity. An evening out with great food and drink will be fantastic.

Another weekend on the road but Ted's parents are so good to us. Always have the home filled with everything the kids need, we get caught up on laundry and its always nice to see family especially when you are out of State. But, its never the same. I'll always long to have my Mom and Dad back.....will always face difficulty during any holiday or milestone. I have to keep reminding myself I can never change it.....but I can continue to honor their life and see them through Aydan, Elle and Harry.

Miss you guys. Wonder what you've been up to...wonder if you're worried about Grandpa.....or if you've looked over your siblings - we miss them.....or if you're watching Chris study late into the night.....did you catch Aydan on the first day of school? He's so big and handsome....
Do you watch me and laugh your ass off how I am running around like a crazy woman and still am as anal as I was when you were alive and about keeping my counter tops clean? Some things will never change.  Are you sad that we're sad? I know you want to be here but I hope it's not bothering you.  Think of you every day.

All my love,
Melissa

Labor day weekend

An emotional yet inspiring weekend in Atlanta as I got to visit with my good friend who recently was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I couldn't wait to give her a hug...I knew the right words wouldn't be said and nothing we could do would take this away but I know in my heart she felt loved and it hopefully reconfirmed that we are here for her....we are a drive, flight, phone call away....we are her biggest cheerleaders. Praying for her to keep up with the positivity. I'm so proud of her and pray Mom and Dad can watch over her too.

I came home from Atlanta feeling thankful for my good health. While I have stress and issues, my family is healthy......but it's amazing how quickly life comes back rolling in and you get back into routine, back to getting upset, and stuff just starts popping up that frusturates you. We have a lot of house things to take care of....a broken pipe in the basement, a dead tree thats massive and over 130 years old and tons of yard work and several other projects in and outside the house that we just have not had the time for this Summer.  All of this yet I'm worried and thinking about the lake. We are getting up to Harrison this weekend....so much to do, we are going to put it up on the market.  I'm devastated but we cannot manage two homes from this distance.....who were we kidding?? I feel another piece of my parents and childhood will be gone but I know in my heart it's the right thing to do but its not easy and its painful. Maybe it won't sell for a few years....maybe there will be more time to have the kids play up there so they'll remember the house.  We'll always take them to Harrison even if it means renting a place one day but it bothers me that I won't have that home base anymore that was my parents. Though they are gone, I can still say "my parents place"....and it feels good.....but they'd be so sad about the fighting and how little we can get up there with the distance....I know they would want us to make the best decision for the entire family.

Labor day is approaching and I would give any thing to be heading up with there with the kids and
to hang with mom and dad for the weekend....Everything is so different now.  There won't be a big family weekend....we'll see Ted's parents, will pop up to the lake to work our butts off while trying to 
chase a one year old and we may see Ted's brother and meet their little one if they have the baby over the weekend. I miss having my own family Unit and all i want is for my parents to take care of me. 
Just for the weekend. I know I'm an adult.....but I feel so alone at times and I hate it. The anger is still here...it all goes back to the void and I just want my parents back. 

I'm upset but I know Ted and I will get everything done (somehow)..and...even if we have to spend quite a bit of money, we'll eventually get everything at our own home too.  It will all work out but I'm stressed, ted's mom can't lift yet from her eye surgery so she can't watch our sweet boy. I was excited just Ted and I were going to the lake.....we could get stuff done.....and really do some much needed thinking........but you can't beat the coolest dude on the planet tagging along to the place where he was named from.....and he'll have to somehow help me go through pictures and some of the important things we need to start deciding who wants what. Something I never did at their home in Allen Park.....I couldn't do it and I'm not sure you can ever prepare yourself for going through your parents home or lake home.....such a painful thing. Letting go is so hard.

adventure out East

We have been on the go all Summer and our last big adventure was this past weekend in CT. We all  gathered there for Ted's side of the family for the 1st family reunion. CT (the beach house in particular) holds a special place in our hearts - we spent a lot of time there and with his Aunt, Uncle and cousins when we lived in Boston for 4 years. It was an amazing weekend...his Aunt and Uncle put on such a cool celebration that was so kid friendly, we had the best accommodations in a quaint B&B overlooking the Long Island Sound....and the meals and snacks were all so perfect for the setting. They hosted a Lobster bake Saturday afternoon, passed appetizers, an amazing buffet, dessert and coffee, plenty of wine and in a beautiful setting with great family. My family is so small these days and Ted has a very small family so it was nice to be around extended family and be around all the cousins that we love dearly and get to see and meet their children all of which are very close to Harry and Elle's age. It was the perfect summer weekend.

It was exhausting though...with two little ones you rarely ever get a break. I would often think if my  Mom were alive how it would easier to get breaks here and there because Mom would take the kids or hold them more or I could have her visit for a weekend and she would tell Ted and I to go out to dinner for "date night". I guess it doesn't do me any good to think about what could have been....but, it's bothersome and I feel inside that Ted and I are alone. Sure we have an amazing network of friends, extended family and his parents that love us. But I always feel like we (mainly me) are outsiders.....I guess these are all normal feelings when you experience such a loss that you live with a very strong void in your life but it has worsen as we've extended our own family. We want that closeness with others for our kids. Nonetheless, the love was felt this weekend by Ted's amazing Aunt & Uncle...I cannot thank them enough for gathering everyone in such a perfect setting with the most incredible details. I don't want to go two years again without seeing them again and hope we can do something again next year or at least take trips to see one other more frequently.
I am so glad the kids will have these memories (and plenty of pictures) out East.

We also got to spend the day and evening with our good friends Erich and Carolyn (who we hung out with a ton while living in Boston and got to visit them in Paris when they were there for a two year work assignment). We had a great time visiting with them, meeting their Son, enjoying a fun lunch downtown at our old favorite place, grabbing cupcakes with the kids and bouncing around Boston.....I miss that place and it was fun to be back for the day.

This weekend Chris has decided to bring Aydan to Cincinnati for the weekend before she starts her final year of RN school. We are all under stress right now on what to do with the lake home....I think it is sadly time for it to be on the market. We are over 7 hours away, no one can keep up with the maintenance and when we do get up there we have to work not enjoy this wonderful place. It's unfortunate and I am heartbroken but I believe it is the right thing to do for all of us involved. I hope my Sister one day will agree.....regardless, I am very excited to have family here this weekend to take A shoe shopping and all of us have some fun up at the St Mary's festival that is walking distance to our house.  Dad will be missed...he loved this festival!

All my love,
Melissa

another year older!

Birthdays just aren't the same! I try to always stay positive and I loved receiving all of the cards, gifts, texts, calls and emails and really enjoyed a night out with a few great friends over some great wine this weekend & eating the wonderful cake Ted and Elle baked for me...but without receiving a call from my Mom makes birthdays less meaningful and enjoyable, I wish it didn't feel that way. I know I should be so thankful to be healthy and alive with a beautiful family and I SO am...but I miss having a Mom to love and care for me. A Mom & Dad to call me on my birthday. It may seem selfish but it's how I feel. Some days are tougher than others but I think I will always feel this way around Holidays and special occasions. I have accepted this but know I must continue to stay as positive as possible and still make the best out of every day and situation and enjoy life...

I took the kids on Friday to one of our favorite neighborhood parks for an annual photo shoot. We have the best photographer....does a great job with the kids. They were stressful for me.....I tried to keep my cool....but when she sent me a sneak peek of two of the pictures she captured I lost it & it made that hour of stress SO worth it. They were timeless and beautiful. I never would have expected them to me that beautiful. Elle was holding a mason jar with a vintage stripey straw up to Harrison's mouth so he could take a sip of water. I started balling. Elle looked like the beautiful big sis she is but in a different way...she looked much older. I all of sudden starred at the picture imagining her as a teenager....and little Harry.....he's not a baby anymore ( I know, news flash right?) but he looked like a BOY....so calm and sweet....sipping his water with his big sis.  These two beauties were a result of my Parents loss......hate that it happened that way yet so blessed out of such dark day came these amazing, bright-eyed kids. 

I have a feeling life is going to get even more stressful here shortly as we rethink the lake....Christina enters her 2nd and final year of the RN program in two weeks. It's going to be so tough. In my heart I know what the right decision is but I am not sure my Sister and I will ever agree. I never, ever wanted to be put in this position. I am so tired of dealing with it.  I don't want to clean out my Parents lake home. My Sister handled Allen Park...I could have never in a million years did that. I've handled a lot but that's one thing I had to stay away from.  I have guilt. I don't want to let the place go.....but I cannot handle the stress & worry anymore.  Praying my parents tell me what to do....and to send Chris down some extra strength this next year...she'll need it. 

All my love.