ST JOHN BOUND

I'm officially on vacation. Done from work for 10 days!!!!!! I have needed a break so much after the craziness at work and just life stresses in general. We are headed to the beautiful Island of St John, our second time back actually staying right on St John, third time visiting. It's our favorite place...most beautiful water and beaches...we rented a home with Ted's parents. We are thrilled we got them to come along with us....it has been a tough road these last four years as I have learned to live with the death of my parents...it has added pressure and complicated our relationship. The whole situation has been heartbreaking...nonetheless, they are loving and supportive and wonderful Grandparents to Elle & Harry.  There was no manual on how to handle a tragedy and the impact it would have on special relationships. I am proud we have continued to move forward and work through this together.

I feel so blessed that I have the oppotunity to take my children to a beautiful place, to be in an amazing villa overlooking the Ocean, walking distance to incredible beaches...I pray for fun, relaxation and safety. The trip got even better today when all of us were upgraded to first class all the way to St Thomas Saturday. I am sure we will get some odd looks with a one and 3 and 1/2 year old! Should be interesting. I most defintley will take up the offer of a glass of champagne. I want to celebrate. Celebrate the year of our beutiful, healthy Son, Harrison...Elle growing up to be a great, big Sis, Our successfull careers, Ted's Mom turning 60 and retiring and my Father's birthday is on the 28th. He'd so enjoy being with us on vacation. I sure will miss you guys. We have much to celebrate for in June.

Feeling lucky today. My life has been filled with such fabulous travel and Ted and I have had the opportunity to see such beautiness even through the toughest of times in our lives.

With all this, my thoughts are with my dear friend. She was diganosed with stage 4 colon cancer out of the blue. We spent a weekend in Chicago last month without knowing the terrible news we would receive a week later. She has started chemo and is so incedibly strong and SO positive. I am so proud of her. She will get through this.

All my love and safe travels for a beautiful week with my Family. Watch over us, Mom and Dad.

sweet Harry turns one

Another milestone missed but I know in my heart you are always there with us...but it will never be the same. Any joy in our lives is followed by...but I wish Mom and Dad were here...

Grandpa ended up in this hospital so he was unable to come up for Harry's party. I was so sad not only for his health but I wanted him there to represent our family... H's only Grandparent from my side of the Family. But he called once he got out of the hospital to say how much he wanted to be there. I was just glad they caught the bleeding ulcers. He's not allowed to leave us anytime soon. Harry's party turned out sweet...it was a small gathering but I had so much fun putting together his little vintage summer theme. He was feeling a bit under the weather though but we were able to capture some cute pictures. He didn't eat any cake but a few licks of frosting. (we sure he's my son??)

Life is really flying by and June is a really special month for our family between Dad, Aydan and Harrison's birthday...Aunt Kim and Uncle Mike were also born in June...and we have our Family vacation to ST JOHN quickly approaching us...really looking forward to putting everything aside (I will try) for the week and to enjoy the beauty of the Island...Elle is getting SO excited to be in an airplane as a big girl and continues to talk about the beach and all the stuff she plans to do. I'm looking forward to the memories and I am so glad we convinced Ted's parents to come along...will be so nice for the kids to have those memories. We will miss you Mom and Dad...know how much you would have enjoyed this.

Today is Father's day and I miss my wonderful, laid back, always helped others, never judged, always looking to have fun, DAD. I miss you more than words could ever explain. Hope they're treating you well up there. You would be so proud of the family Dad. You'd be so amazed at Aydan these days and what a cool dude Harrison is. We keep in touch with Justin...and he seems to be doing OK. We love you...

All my love,

1st week of June

After another horrific nightmare end of May...June got off to a GREAT start with the most fabulous weather... back to high 70s with no humidity and full sun. Work is over the top stressful and demanding right now prepping for a big meeting this upcoming Thursday, but we still managed to have a great weekend with the kids and put it aside when I could. Ted had a race on Saturday with a co-worker so the kids and I kept busy going on walks, hanging out in the square, grabbing popcorn...I absolutely love this neighborhood even more when I'm alone with the kids as there is so much to do and a lot of people around with their kids all in walking distance. Sunday was an early morning but I caught a quick jog and we headed to the zoo to meet Elle's BFF JR and his parents. We've gotten to really know JR's family...we have so much in common and we love hanging out with them. Between soccer, them being in the same class and meeting up throughout the weekend, these kids nearly see each other daily. It's fun to watch them together. Harry is doing great - I still hold him a ton (think i am trying to prevent him from walking, although he did take ONE step on Friday!) and I got a few, rare minutes with just me and Elle for her FIRST manicure. What a blast she had although I got sad after...she's too big now....she was sitting there getting her nails painted like a little lady. Breaks my heart. All of these milestones...some bigger than others just make me miss my family SO much more wishing I had mom to call to share in these special moments. We have a big weekend ahead as we celebrate the birth of Harrison a little early while we're back in MI and I'll get to see my nephew who was born the day after Harry 8 years ago....time has really flown.

June will be a busy but memorable month between everything we have going on, Harry's 1st birthday and our family vacation later this month to ST JOHN...I will be ready for a vacation.

All my love,

tired

I had the strangest dream last night. We were having Harry's birthday party which is actually approaching, however, the party took place at Mom and Dad's home in Allen Park. We were in the basement and garage. It was the house. Justin was even there - he was actually running up to the store to buy the lemonade for our signature drink. But he never brought the lemonade....I kept waiting and waiting and more people continued to arrive and we had nothing to drink. I saw Mom in the basement setting up the Mason jars and striped paper straws that I actually do have. I then randomly checked my phone in my dream and checked my email and Justin had emailed me that he would not be getting the lemonade and if I I could do it. It was so odd...I know it all ties together in some strange way...I'm emotional about Harry turning one and I wish my Parents were here...their void is even stronger during times like this.

I'm tired mentally. I don't know what to do anymore with the lake. It's ruining my relationship with my Sister. We are not seeing eye to eye. It breaks my heart my Parents favorite place is used so little, it's starting to having issues...we live 8 hrs away...I am trying to set the emotions aside (as hard as that is) and look at this practically. What they would want. They would never want us to take on all of this responsibility. Chris needs to be focusing on finishing RN school and Aydan....I just don't see how this could work. It is wearing me down. I never wanted to make the type of decisions at this stage in my life where I am raising my own family, early in my career....we just have too much going on along with the stresses and life changes we've experienced with death of my parents.

Ted went to spend the weekend with one of our best friends up in Canada - the kids and I have kept super busy but I am tired. Elle's buddy JR and his family was so kind to hang out with us pretty much all weekend...we had them over Friday for dinner, we saw them at Soccer Saturday morning then spent the evening at their house. It is most definitely not easy with two kids by yourself...I give ALL single Moms (including my Sister) such credit and strength. Harry is so easy and very chill but Elle has entered a little rough patch - she hates when its time to leave her friends and begins to throw tantrums. I wish my Mom was here to comment on this but I have a feeling I was very similar. She has a bit of an attitude and it can make ya crazy. But then she is the sweetest big Sister and was so well behaved when i took the kids to Striderite today to pick out water shoes for them. Though I have been lonely this weekend and have struggled with loneliness since Mom and Dad died, I thoroughly enjoy the one on one time with my beautiful kids. I am so blessed...ahhhh I so get it, I see it and I can feel it yet the hurt and pain comes through the blessed moments and sometimes I miss them. I wish it wasn't that way.

So looking forward to my husband returning and hopeully soon clarity is brought on what to do with the beloved lake-house. I miss my Sister.

All my love...

home

April was filled with sadness and remembrance....and I always look forward to May. We had visitors throughout the month and this was the first weekend we were home in Cincinnati with just our Family. Though Ted was still recovering from the flu, and Harry caught pink eye, we managed to have a great weekend around our neighborhood.....Elle cheered on the 19,000 runners going through our neighborhood for the flying pig marathon, went to the zoo and attended a friends of ours son's birthday party. Ted and I also snuck in a dinner night out while elle & harry stayed back with a sitter...in celebration of 9 years of marriage next week. It is so hard to believe it has been 9 years. I associate time with my parents death - and when they died we were planning our 5 year anniversary trip to ST JOHN and would be leaving the following month.....we almost cancelled that trip......I had such mixed feelings about going on a vacation after being completely traumatized. We will actually head back there next month, 4 years later. This time with a different perspective. Perhaps we will truly be able to take in the beautiful Island of ST JOHN. We cannot wait to take our children on their next adventure. 

These past 9 years of my life have been the most challenging and difficult but also the most rewarding, wonderful, blessed years of my life as well. I am so thankful my parents got to see me marry Ted and share all of the special moments with us...they laid the foundation for us and made us understand the true meaning of love and how important family and friends are. 

I look at these beautiful pictures and know how blessed I am.....though there is heartache, we have a life filled with purpose, love and wonderful memories and because of my parents death, we caught on very early in life the importance of all of this.  And we also received fantastic news from Christina Friday....she has officially passed her first year of RN school....it has been challenging as ever as a single Mom but we are crossing our fingers she can kick butt in year 2 starting in the Fall as she did this first year......I know my parents would be so proud. 

thinking of a families loss

Thinking of my good friend who lost her ex-husband this month and was laid to rest today, she is speaking at his funeral. They were together for 16 years. Sweethearts all through middle & high school. They were never apart...they decided to go their separate ways after they did try marriage. I was also very good friends with his Sister. She and I ran track together all through middle school & high school. They have wonderful parents. My heart aches for them to bury their Son at such a young age but more so how he passed. It was a tragic event - he committed suicide. Suicide scares me so much. It breaks my heart. I know how numb and in shock his family is right now....they are thinking they could have stopped it, they will have regret, they are wishing it wasn't their family, they are blaming themselves. All of these feelings I felt before and it's terrible. I am sure they are receiving a ton of support and they will soon have to return back to their life....sure I returned back to work but it didn't hit me until weeks after they passed that they were truly gone. I will never forget that moment - I've written about it before. I was driving and it hit me. I was screaming uncontrollably "mommy". I couldn't believe they weren't there to call. I pray his entire family & friends can somehow get past how he died and remember happily how he lived...but its the hardest thing to do. The tragedy takes over all of the good....and you have to dig so deep in your heart to accept the awfullness of the death....and know they are not in pain and they hopefully didn't feel a thing.
Death is everywhere and I notice it so much more now that my parents died. These stories impact me and I feel badly for days after I hear this type of news. I think its because I can relate to the shock and sadness and I now know normal happy families can experience tragedy when it's least expected. I know that anything is possible and so many things are out of our control.

I worry about raising kids in this kind of world. I want to shelter them from everything...depression, drugs, drunk drivers, bully's, guns...I worry so much now...I hugged and kissed my kids a lot this weekend...I am so thankful I have them and I pray from here on out my family can live a life with less heartache, continued success and happiness and a peaceful heart that my parents are OKAY enjoying their eternal life. A day won't go by that I won't think of them. Tears will still flow wishing they were here.....but I know how quickly life can be taken away...we have to enjoy our loved ones and friends as much as possible....

4 years.

You've been gone for 4 years. So much time has passed, Mom and Dad. I have children now-do you believe it? I've changed positions several times, Ted no longer has all of those samples you used to take home since he switched companies, Christina is a nursing student, and Aydan is an all-star athlete in the 2nd grade, Grandpa's health is good...he continues to travel to FL for the Winter and we see him often. I can't believe you have missed all this?

I get glimpses of what life would be like if our family was back together and how it would feel to have a Mom and Dad and to have a "home" to go back to. I miss that sense of security and after a really good therapy session today we got to the bottom of some of my expectations of others & disappointment in some. It comes down to my sense of security being lost and the closeness I shared with my Mother causes me to have a major void and I look to fill that closeness and value connectedness very strongly even though others may not. Of course I understand not all people are like me but after you go through a tragedy, trust me....many things that you never would have thought of become clear and it sucks. You think, look, and feel everything....to a fault.

Nonetheless the anniversary of your death was a beautiful sunny day. Christina, Aydan and Cindy were in town and with some of our friends, we all walked throughout Hyde Park in honor of your memory - we ended in the square at a little wine shop for a champagne toast and some food and my most favorite part of the afternoon was watching the kids letting go balloons (in red and blue) and watching them float up into the sky toward the clouds....off to heaven. I hope they made it to you. I have no idea if you can really see us down here. Sometimes I hope you cannot because I think you would be sad. Other times I pray you do see us and that sadness isn't possible and you only feel happy thoughts and are proud of what you do see.

I'm still so dang sad that you are gone but I continue to live my life, with some struggles but moving forward regardless...we have such great friends, fabulous summer vacations planned this year, lots of visitors this month which is exciting and fun with the kids....Elle started soccer last weekend.....OK, so she inherited some speed from your daughter. Yah me, hello.....we had no idea she could run like that and kick a ball. It was so cute. And, your sweet, innocent grandson Harry has turned a little feisty on me. He is going to be a mover and shaker I think. I originally was thinking he was going to be laid back like the two of you but I am not too sure now.

Well, I love you both with all of my heart and your Family and friends miss you so much. I would do anything to bring you back and to get a sign that you're OK and happy. My heart will forever ache for the way you died but I am so proud of the resiliency of this Family. I know some of us are struggling more than others. I continue to hope for the best and I'll still try to do my best to keep the family together like you both always did. It's hard though...I'm realizing our gift of togetherness is not something everyone values but I know it's something that is natural for us. I will continue to pray for peace in all of our hearts...I hope your happy and together and not sad that we're sad....we'll be OK, we just miss you so much but know one day we will see you again...

All my love,

Melissa