say hello to her

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa

Fall is in the air

Now I understand fully why Fall was my Mom's favorite time of the year......I know how proud they would be of their grand kids, Ted and I......here are some of my favorite pics from the Season so far.

Mom and Dad, you're missed more then you could ever imagine....happy Fall and happy Halloween from all of us. WISHING YOU WERE HERE FOR ALL OF THIS....you would be visiting, playing with the kids, Dad would cook, Mom would bake, we would have drinks, you loved our neighborhood....I miss sharing my life with you. Harry has his first ear infection today. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you how cute Elle was trick or treating......and brag how handsome Aydan is these days. You're missing so much. I think you are as sad as I am. You would want to be here. Right?

Love you, Melissa

Working Mother

Wow, traveling with two babies at home, while breastfeeding has been interesting. I am proud I've been able to stick it out but it's challenging when you're traveling across the US to Portland and the three hour time change and trying to keep everything on schedule. I've had to deal with cancelled flights, dinners going over with customers and missing my pumping time. But, it's worked and I am hopeful I can make it to 6 months. That is my goal before switching to formula. I am blessed to work for a great. flexible, family owned company. I am traveling this week in Portland with a fabulous co-worker and after work we've gotten pedicures, had great meals and a glass of wine, and even popped into some cool shops along the way. If I am going to be away from my Family, I am happy to have some fun.

The kids are amazing. Harry is such a beautiful, sweet baby. I cannot explain how chill he is. The child doesn't cry. It's wonderful. He just wants to be held and smiled at and fed and he is HAPPY. Miss Elle is getting smarter by the day....full sentences, full on conversations, counting in spanish, has real feelings now...she'll say that she's not in a good mood or that she's happy and she'll easily identify if someone else is feeling down and tells them "it's okay". She is very sweet and loving. I am so lucky. If only Mom and Dad could meet them and love them like I do...

Fall is here....we have our dear friend visiting this weekend that is moving to Hawaii for 6 months, we've booked our family vacation to St John for next year, Ted is pursing a new opportunity, Chris is plugging away at Nursing School, Aydan continues to be an all star in soccer and hockey, I finally get to meet our new niece over Thanksgiving, I am seeing Justin again for the second time over the Holidays....lots of things are happening. Life is happening, quickly.

a year since A healing heart

Wow, amazing weather this weekend...enjoyed some "family time"...

I realized today that it's been a year since "A Healing Heart"...it's tough when I read through those pages of my first year after the loss. It almost gets harder as the years go by....so hard to think it's getting longer and longer that I last saw my Family together. But, I know this legacy I have left behind for my children to one day read makes this project beyond special. They may not understand now, or even years from now, but one day.....they will read it and get it....to the best of their abilities. They will know how special my Parents were. But will never replace actually knowing them yet provides some peace to my heart....I would love to work with Wayne Holmes again one day....I have so much to "say" since this tragic loss, facing my brother, hating mental illness, giving birth to beautiful babies, living out of State and on our own, having amazing friendships yet difficult relationships, being let down, not able to "let go", owning a second home that was your parents and how you want to hang on to it because you feel it's all you have left of them but deep down you don't even enjoy being there anymore....there is so much to say, to be heartbroken about but also so proud and thankful for. Thank you, A healing heart......you will live on......

This is your Life

I came across this and it now sits in front of me at my desk. Very inspirational....today, I was reflecting on my Parents life...tomorrow they would have been married for 34 years. I was thinking of their last anniversary we spent with them and taking them to dinner....they were so happy and excited to be with Ted and I. It felt so nice to treat them to a nice dinner. We were all grown up, making our own money, able to take them to a nice place to celebrate. They were proud. I read this list and I'm doing a lot of this, and I am aware of so much because of the loss of my parents and watching my kids grow so quickly and being so proud (yet so afraid) of my Sister and her taking a "leap of faith" going to school full time to be a nurse as a single Mom.....LIFE is so short and of course I want to enjoy every moment and live my dream but all of that has become harder and harder to do because of the loss. It's not easy to just live on and be yourself and find happiness when your heart is still completely broken. Fall (Mom's favorite time of the year) and the upcoming Holidays all are just the most painful months of the year aside from the month of April and I am doing my best to think positively knowing it cannot be changed. I am so proud of Christina and I and our ability to handle this situation and to still be there for my brother...

Teddy is interviewing for a new job today. Really excited for a new opportunity that has come his way....wishing him all the best...and I happily accepted a new raise last week...that made it a little easier as I was leaving my Son for the first time. I know he's okay but it still bothers me that all day he is at school and not being held much and not being catered to like he has been for the past several months. I miss my days with him but know by me working and having a great career- I can provide a better future for him and Elle. I even more so thank my Mom for staying home with me and my siblings. (I don't think I could do it) I know she enjoyed every minute of it (as she told me that before)....I wish I could thank her for all she did and for all that she was to me. I didn't tell her enough what an awesome Mom she was. Time is flying by so fast.....I miss their voice.....it's like forever since I have seen them....it's a crazy feeling. I miss my Family. This is MY life....and I will continue to "travel often" and "appreciate every bite when I eat" ....

Aloha

I did not think Ted being in Hawaii my last week of maternity leave would be this bad. I literally could vomit I have been so upset. I want to be in Hawaii. I know it was my decision to say I couldn't go when I was pregnant- so he took his brother, which is great, but I am left here alone for the week with the kids....and I am not going to lie, it sucks.

It's not the kids...they're great. It's me....ever since my Parents died, I HATE being alone and I thought being in MI would make it a little better since Ted's Mom would be here in the evenings and could help get Elle down, someone to eat dinner with, but it's been hard....with Elle not in school, there's not much we can do here. I miss my walks, getting coffee with friends and at least there is not this hurtful pain in my heart that there is no one here- in terms of my family to visit my Son-when in Cincinnati. We spent time with Christina over the weekend and she's thankfully having us over to her apartment for dinner tomorrow. She is so overwhelmed with school full time and Aydan and trying to get her life in order. I am so glad we got to spend some time together but she is busy during the day, everyone works...so this was just a bad idea. Cindy is so sweet and took us and the kids shopping and to dinner a few nights ago. But I sadly kept thinking of Ted sipping on amazing cocktails in one of the most beautiful places in the World. I want to be there with my husband. I really miss Ted....he's been traveling so much. I am so complicated....I have changed so much these last three years. Relationships are tough enough and you add in the tragedy, two new children and heavy work travel......emotions are high........I wish I was carefree and could accept my parents death, and smaller things like...Ted is in Hawaii...I couldn't go but I have this beautiful 3 month year old Son that needed me that still eats every 2 hours, he wouldn't have enjoyed Hawaii-let's be honest...BUT it's so hard to accept the really hard stuff that has happened and it's hard to let go of this week and let it be what it is. And my expectations need to be lowered. I thought he'd call more. That's okay. I know he's having fun with his brothers and he SO deserves this trip but so do I. Some days. from the ones I am closest to, I just want understanding but maybe they'll never really understand what it's like.

I will get through this week......he'll be back on Friday and this Hawaiian trip will be in the past and no one can ever take these 15 weeks away from my Son and I and the extra weeks this Summer that I got to spend with Elle. She's just my little friend these days.....she melted my heart today when she said the following, "don't worry Mommy, papa will be back soon.....or, "you can't go, I'll miss you" or, "do you miss your Mommy in heaven? my other gramma is at work". She is wise beyond her years and I am so sorry and guilty that I am not happier this week and that I am not soaking in the moments. I did smell her hair tonight for a long time when singing her songs before bed. As my therapist says, focus on senses....smell, touch, taste, take deep breathes...there will be less time for my mind to race and to think and to get myself all worked up.........tough week Mom and Dad. I would love more than anything to drive to Allen Park to see you this week. We'd hang out. Mom and I would take the kids places. I miss my Family in Heaven, in Hawaii and frankly I miss my Family that is right in front of me.
I will sign off with this.....I am grateful for the memories I have had with my loved ones, my amazing trip to Hawaii with Ted 5 years ago and countless other places, and the beautiful children I have in front of me.....may this week end better than it started and may Ted get home safely.

Love,
Melissa

thinking of the kids!

It breaks my heart watching the today show this week as they cover the 10 year anniversary of 9/11...and I was so touched when they featured many of the children, now grown up, who lost a parent in this tragedy. A camp has been created called "America's camp" for the children that suffered loss during 9/11. A place where they can come to be a kid and most importantly from my perspective, be surrounded by others that feel the same way and can understand their pain. I look at these kids and I think while I hate the way my parents died-probably one of the worst ways to go- yet at least I had my parents through my childhood years, they got to watch me graduate high school, sit in the stands to cheer me on for 8 years of running track and clap with pride as I accepted MVP my senior year and camp champ at the annual cheer leading camp I attended, and Mom got to move me in to my first apartment in Kalamazoo, MI and then watch me graduate from WMU and accept my first job in Chicago........Ted was able to ask my Dad if he could marry me...and my parents got to watch their first daughter marry a guy they adored.....and they got to travel to all the different places we lived....and they got to welcome their first Grandchild to the world...while my heart aches every day for different reasons-they are missing SO much, today I reflect on what I did get to experience-that these 9/11 kids never did.....I had the best parents and I think that's why this has been even more painful...knowing what could have been.

Today is grandparents day at Elle's school....I sent in a book that Cindy put together for Elle when she was born called "in case you ever wonder"...inside is a picture of my parents and one of her and Steve.....I took this book to school for Elle today. She plans to share with her class that she has grandparents in heaven and grandparents in MI. I want Elle to know and understand. What if she never does?

Mom lost her Mom around 30...even though Gramma got to meet us all and babysit and celebrate birthdays, I know Mom lived her next 20 years wishing her Mom was here. I now relate and my biggest fear is that my kids will one day relate....I pray they never have to miss Ted and I at a young age. I would never want them to be sad, wishing we were here along their journey....I hope I can raise them to understand and believe that we are always with them...no matter what. I wish continued peace and faith for the 9-11 kids and my own family and anyone else out there who has lost parents at a young age....sending you the biggest hug and understanding of your pain...

I have two weeks left with Harrison....this has gone by so fast....I will be so sad to leave him.

All my love,

Melissa