You are probably wondering where I've been...or maybe your watching over me at all times and you really do not even need this blog to learn about what's going on in my life. Maybe this was just my way to document this painful journey of healing and to share with others that life can still go on despite of a tragic loss. I am not sure.
The writing over the last five years has helped me in so many ways. I was able to share my deepest heartache and feelings when they were too hard to share with anyone in person. But more importantly, I was able to document this to share with my children one day. A big fear I have is how they could ever really understand or how would they really know how special my parents were - I think this will offer a special glimpse into who they were and what they meant to me. This blog and all of the writing also resulted in self-publishing my own little book. I know it took courage to share my entire heart and soul with so many...and I hope it brought a few people peace when they needed it knowing they are not alone. We all have our demons. Don't let them define you - it's the easy way out.
Today will be my last post. I've decided to retire this site. I can finally look myself in the mirror and say I'm okay. Sure, I still have my days and it will hit me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks and I will find myself crying hysterically just missing having parents in my life - my parents. The parents that would have been the most amazing Grandparents to Elle and Harry and would have supported me in all of these life-decisions I have and will continue to face. I miss those daily phone calls but I miss the unconditional love the most. I don't believe that void will ever be filled and I will miss it for the rest of my life. I still have a lot to work on...I put a wall up after they died and while I feel it starting to come down, it still exists. I am hard on myself... and have high hopes of others when it comes to family and how others define it differently than I do. I think too much and worry intensely about the future - I want to have a plan at all times. And I want everything done yesterday...
I have learned through this who my friends are and the family who stuck by my side years after the tragedy knowing deep down this was still really tough...especially during the holidays, milestones and the Spring-time. But when disappointment sets in I have learned to take lots of deep breathes and say 'they just don't know, they just cannot truly ever understand'. I truly hope everyone that supported our family knows how much I appreciated their love and friendship throughout the years of grieving. There are people that have helped me tremendously that don't even know it. For example, my running partner. A year ago I finally got back in the groove thanks to her. I retired my old play-lists that brought back sad memories, and told myself that it was OK to return to things I once I had a passion for before my parents died. My father loved watching me run all of those years...I knew I had to get back into it. So, thank you for helping me without even knowing you were. And my co-workers for continually telling me how positive I am and saying they would have never known I went through anything in life the way I am at work. I told myself early on when this happened that I would walk through that office door and leave everything behind. Good for work but sometimes that meant the brunt of it was put on my husband or other family members as I worked through this new life. So I thank all of you for never giving up on me and knowing this was going to take a lot of time to heal from something so unfathomable. I owe a great deal to Ted's parents and so many others that have always been there before, during AND after.
I avoided writing these last few months in denial that five years had passed by. I am still amazed it has been that long that I have heard my parents' voices...and amazed at how much has happened these last five years; too much to even mention but instantly I think of my incredible nephew, my beautiful children, my sister, our careers and success and how blessed we have been in all other aspects of our life. We have still lived and experienced SO much despite some pretty tough days.
The way my parents died will never be erased from my mind and it's the part of their death that has been the most difficult. There are things I do not know and never want to know. And I have accepted that no matter how painful it is, I cannot change it. I just try to tell myself now that they're together and that whatever pain they may have felt is now gone and I just pray they are in the most amazing place. I will not say I am at peace yet, not even close, but I am OK. And for me...that's a start. A start that I am proud of....a start that took five years to get to...a lot of tears, a lot of therapy, a lot of support and a lot of fun and amazing adventures and distractions to get me there.
My brother is safe and under great care. That will always be a tough situation but I am blessed with strength to be able to maintain a relationship with him and to have empathy for his illness. That was not my brother. This will be a long road of recovery for him and I just pray he continues to remain safe and is able to adjust to this new life one day. So that leads me into my new focus for the next 5 months - mental illness.
Mental illness impacted our lives so significantly. I feel I am finally in a place to help make a difference. I am starting small...with my Sister and a few friends (thank you Molly and Melissa!) by raising funding to spread awareness of mental Illness. Partnering with NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) for their annual 5k, we'll hopefully raise $5,000 over the next 5 months, all in honor of the 5 year anniversary of my Parents' death and everyone who has been impacted by this and or are dealing with it today in their life. The walk will take place on 9/21 in Novi, MI. Please click on the below link to access my fundraising page. You can register to walk with us which I would LOVE, make a donation to our team OR join my team and help raise additional funding on your own for this much needed cause.
Thank you for you love and support by checking this out. Without even much effort yet, my Team is at 15% of goal and I am at 14% of goal. I am so thankful for my friends and family who supported so far!!!!!
This blog will hopefully never be deleted...and will always be here to look back at old posts, review pictures and to reflect on how far we have come in 5 years. Man those first few years were so heart-wrenching. I almost find year 1 & 2 hard to even read anymore...but I know how proud my parents would be that their daughter was able to share her story and journey of healing and to keep their memory alive as best as I possibly could. I hope to keep their memory alive forever through stories, pictures and through how I treat people - they were good people with really good hearts. I want to be more like them.
This is not good-bye...the retiring of the blog is just another chapter closed on this journey of life. I hate that I had to see my parents go like this so young but I pray as the years go by it will hopefully start getting easier to remember only the good times. The times that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I pray they know how much we love and miss them everyday. I carry them everywhere I go in my heart and I owe everything I have become to them without a doubt. Please continue to be with us at all times; through the good and bad. I know I will need you. And I know my heart will continue to ache when it gets tough and during milestones that I know you would give anything to be here for.
All my love and until I see you again,
Love, your daughter
PS - thank you to all of my readers out there - almost 80,000 visits to this site over the last five years. Simply amazing. Thanks for reading through some tough stuff and supporting me through this. Please keep in touch. All my love and hope, Melissa
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
hey there stranger
Well, hello!
I haven't written in so long! It has been such a busy month since Elle's birthday.
Work has been crazy for both Ted and I and have traveled much of February for work. Though I missed the kids, I had an amazing week in FL. First I got to experience the Daytona 500 event VIP style with Kroger. We stayed at a beautiful place right on the Ocean..I got to share a suite with two super fun co-workers that I respect very much and had fun events throughout the weekend. Our team even was recognized for having the best display of the year for the Kroger Daytona program in-store so that was exciting. We had one day where there was nothing on the agenda until dinner so we laid in the sun for several hours, walked on the beach, ordered lunch by the pool and met up with our mgmt for manicures and pedicures and a round of margaritas. It was awesome....Elle and Harrison were doing great so I felt I could really enjoy myself. They were back at Gramma and Grampa's house for the week so Ted wouldn't be overwhelmed on his own with being so busy at work. They had a new theme each day..from trains to princesses and enjoyed building their first ever snow man! Grampa even made it blue with a pink scarf. I cannot tell how you hard it is not have my Mom and Dad as grandparents but I am beyond thankful we have Cindy and Steve. They are always there for us despite the heartache we still feel.
After Daytona we headed to Orlando for our annual National meeting where the sales force gathered for four days to review accomplishments, business results, training and where we are headed as an organization. I have always felt this way, but SCJ is a really special company to work with. Our CEO brought his Mother who everyone loves, they shared stories about the Johnson family and played this incredible video of her driving around in her old beat up car giving us a tour of Racine, WI where our World HQ is located. And then after giving us an amazing speech straight from the heart, my named was pulled out of hundreds to come up and meet her, she gave me a gift (long story, you wouldn't understand but I received dinosaur poop! from her World travels) and I got to give her a big hug. I couldn't believe my name was chosen out of so many....thank gosh I had a great dress on that day, ha!
And the week could not have gone any better...that same day I was recognized as the best in class and got to go back on stage to accept the award. Last year was a good year for me from a business perspective so it felt good to be recognized for the hard work. Despite what my family has faced, I sure have been blessed from a career perspective and have never let my performance or dedication slide. I truly adore my coworkers on the team and love the company so right now I feel I am in a good place. I look forward to this next year as Ted talks with his company and we brainstorm with mine on what is next for the Close Family. The thought of leaving Cinci makes me cry...we love it here and have plans to send Elle off to St Mary's next fall that is walking distance to our house, we adore our friends and love everything about our neighborhood. But, god may have other plans for us...we shall see.
I worry as I approach April...I wish we could skip it. I have been stressed trying to determine what we could possibly due to mark the five years they have been gone. five years...wow. But I am coming to grips that it will never be good enough and it may cause more pain than happiness to do something big.Honestly what I want to do this year is raise awareness of mental illness. So, I am working on partnering with NAMI...the largest mental health association. I don't have any of the details yet but there will be a walk in September in MI that I went to build a team for, set goals to raise money in their honor and get as many friends and family to join us. More to come...for now...I want to focus on Hawaii. Ted and will have been married for 10 years this May so we are headed there a little early to celebrate. I feel badly this it is so close to my FL trip and I just left the kids....but I know they will have another great week in MI their Grandparents. One of our nest friends lives in Waikiki beach so we are beyond thrilled to experience the Island with him and all he knows about it. It is sure to be another trip of a lifetime. I feel really blessed how much Ted and I have traveled since we were married nearly 10 years ago.
Though I can feel the rain cloud approaching....we have so much to be grateful for, so many exciting things this Spring coming up (Hawaii, visits from my best girlfriends, and Christina's much anticipated graduation and party). May my Mother and Father watch from above and be on this journey with us. I hope they continue to send down strength as Christina and I push forward the best way we know how.
Miss you so much, Mom and Dad.....sure wish you were here for this exciting year. Miss your smiling faces every single day.
All my love and hope,
Melissa
I haven't written in so long! It has been such a busy month since Elle's birthday.
Work has been crazy for both Ted and I and have traveled much of February for work. Though I missed the kids, I had an amazing week in FL. First I got to experience the Daytona 500 event VIP style with Kroger. We stayed at a beautiful place right on the Ocean..I got to share a suite with two super fun co-workers that I respect very much and had fun events throughout the weekend. Our team even was recognized for having the best display of the year for the Kroger Daytona program in-store so that was exciting. We had one day where there was nothing on the agenda until dinner so we laid in the sun for several hours, walked on the beach, ordered lunch by the pool and met up with our mgmt for manicures and pedicures and a round of margaritas. It was awesome....Elle and Harrison were doing great so I felt I could really enjoy myself. They were back at Gramma and Grampa's house for the week so Ted wouldn't be overwhelmed on his own with being so busy at work. They had a new theme each day..from trains to princesses and enjoyed building their first ever snow man! Grampa even made it blue with a pink scarf. I cannot tell how you hard it is not have my Mom and Dad as grandparents but I am beyond thankful we have Cindy and Steve. They are always there for us despite the heartache we still feel.
After Daytona we headed to Orlando for our annual National meeting where the sales force gathered for four days to review accomplishments, business results, training and where we are headed as an organization. I have always felt this way, but SCJ is a really special company to work with. Our CEO brought his Mother who everyone loves, they shared stories about the Johnson family and played this incredible video of her driving around in her old beat up car giving us a tour of Racine, WI where our World HQ is located. And then after giving us an amazing speech straight from the heart, my named was pulled out of hundreds to come up and meet her, she gave me a gift (long story, you wouldn't understand but I received dinosaur poop! from her World travels) and I got to give her a big hug. I couldn't believe my name was chosen out of so many....thank gosh I had a great dress on that day, ha!
And the week could not have gone any better...that same day I was recognized as the best in class and got to go back on stage to accept the award. Last year was a good year for me from a business perspective so it felt good to be recognized for the hard work. Despite what my family has faced, I sure have been blessed from a career perspective and have never let my performance or dedication slide. I truly adore my coworkers on the team and love the company so right now I feel I am in a good place. I look forward to this next year as Ted talks with his company and we brainstorm with mine on what is next for the Close Family. The thought of leaving Cinci makes me cry...we love it here and have plans to send Elle off to St Mary's next fall that is walking distance to our house, we adore our friends and love everything about our neighborhood. But, god may have other plans for us...we shall see.
I worry as I approach April...I wish we could skip it. I have been stressed trying to determine what we could possibly due to mark the five years they have been gone. five years...wow. But I am coming to grips that it will never be good enough and it may cause more pain than happiness to do something big.Honestly what I want to do this year is raise awareness of mental illness. So, I am working on partnering with NAMI...the largest mental health association. I don't have any of the details yet but there will be a walk in September in MI that I went to build a team for, set goals to raise money in their honor and get as many friends and family to join us. More to come...for now...I want to focus on Hawaii. Ted and will have been married for 10 years this May so we are headed there a little early to celebrate. I feel badly this it is so close to my FL trip and I just left the kids....but I know they will have another great week in MI their Grandparents. One of our nest friends lives in Waikiki beach so we are beyond thrilled to experience the Island with him and all he knows about it. It is sure to be another trip of a lifetime. I feel really blessed how much Ted and I have traveled since we were married nearly 10 years ago.
Though I can feel the rain cloud approaching....we have so much to be grateful for, so many exciting things this Spring coming up (Hawaii, visits from my best girlfriends, and Christina's much anticipated graduation and party). May my Mother and Father watch from above and be on this journey with us. I hope they continue to send down strength as Christina and I push forward the best way we know how.
Miss you so much, Mom and Dad.....sure wish you were here for this exciting year. Miss your smiling faces every single day.
All my love and hope,
Melissa
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Elle's birthday
Elle had a great birthday last weekend. SO hard to believe she's 4. Sometimes I feel sad I was so preoccupied her first year of life that I missed out a little. I know I remained strong and happy with her in our life but it was a very challenging few years adjusting to our new life - the life without my parents. We were at a different place when Harry came...
Our house was filled with family and our friends. Fun gifts were opened, a sweet little party at the bookstore took place, a beautiful cake was eaten and her collection of tutus began!!
Elle had her 4 year checkup yesterday and we were thrilled with her growth.
She's still petite but grew several inches putting her in the 70% for height so above average. This was good news since we always thought she was so tiny. Her iron was a little behind where they want it to be so we have to ramp up her iron intake. Lots of spinach and beef and fortified cereal.
Harry is still our husky boy above average in weight and height with a massive head.
It's all brain :) they picked up a little heart murmur but said its nothing to worry about and they're very common so something we'll check every visit.
Shots were not fun at all especially by myself. But we made it through and dad brought home ice cream that evening! I remember very vividly my mom taking us three to the doc. Poor mom...we have you a run for your money. We were always running and giggling. Sorry we didn't behave better. but at times I know you laughed, too.
Feel blessed we have two beautiful healthy children. Wish you were here to see them.
All my love,
Melissa
Our house was filled with family and our friends. Fun gifts were opened, a sweet little party at the bookstore took place, a beautiful cake was eaten and her collection of tutus began!!
Elle had her 4 year checkup yesterday and we were thrilled with her growth.
She's still petite but grew several inches putting her in the 70% for height so above average. This was good news since we always thought she was so tiny. Her iron was a little behind where they want it to be so we have to ramp up her iron intake. Lots of spinach and beef and fortified cereal.
Harry is still our husky boy above average in weight and height with a massive head.
It's all brain :) they picked up a little heart murmur but said its nothing to worry about and they're very common so something we'll check every visit.
Shots were not fun at all especially by myself. But we made it through and dad brought home ice cream that evening! I remember very vividly my mom taking us three to the doc. Poor mom...we have you a run for your money. We were always running and giggling. Sorry we didn't behave better. but at times I know you laughed, too.
Feel blessed we have two beautiful healthy children. Wish you were here to see them.
All my love,
Melissa
Friday, January 11, 2013
holiday continued...
I apologize...my post was around 3am so I left out a lot of the details and like to have things well documented. The fun details about our break...
Despite the sadness and heavy heart around the Holidays and thinking of our Gracie girl too, we had some fun memories to take with us as always
-watching elle and harry open their gifts (harry in particular LOVED his truck from Aunt Mary and elle's most favorite gift was her sleeping bag from Aunt Debbie)
-watching the cousins "play" - elle is so proud to be the oldest Close cousin and harry and elle adore their big cousin aydan who is just getting cuter by the day (and more athletic)
-hanging with our friends Mel and Nick whom have been sharing the Christmas eve tradition with us and the close's for over 10 years
-making Christmas cookies with aunt chrissy, aydan and harry - she is my mother when it comes to baking...you would be so proud, mom
-wine & beer drinking with the siblings once the kiddos were asleep...we debated, laughed and covered just about every topic (most of which I cannot mention on this blog!)
-cousin pic on Santa's lap...though the line was long and miserable, we captured that moment of the kiddos together
-having a visit with aunt diann and uncle randy at the close's while they were briefly in MI...wonderful to see my family
-Christmas eve service is always beautiful but it's tough...that is where I think of my family, and all of the people hurting out there in particular the victims of sandy hook, ct this year...it sure hit home and my heart aches for those children and all impacted
-Christmas morning - drinking coffee, eating monkey break, giving and getting gifts
-watching my sister put on such a nice dinner for my mom's side of the family - it was so nice to see everyone and wish i saw them more often. great to see my grandfather healthy and happy (he turns 80 this year!!!)
-NYE with our friends kelly and jason - had a great (early) dinner night out at a fabulous restaurant...great to get out after a long break with good people
Of course there are people I wish I caught up with (on the phone and in person) who I miss so much...but know you all were in my heart and I cherish your friendships no matter where you are.
ONE more week until the big day - Elle's birthday! A lot of planning is undergoing...should be a special weekend with our family and friends!
All my love,
Melissa
Despite the sadness and heavy heart around the Holidays and thinking of our Gracie girl too, we had some fun memories to take with us as always
-watching elle and harry open their gifts (harry in particular LOVED his truck from Aunt Mary and elle's most favorite gift was her sleeping bag from Aunt Debbie)
-watching the cousins "play" - elle is so proud to be the oldest Close cousin and harry and elle adore their big cousin aydan who is just getting cuter by the day (and more athletic)
-hanging with our friends Mel and Nick whom have been sharing the Christmas eve tradition with us and the close's for over 10 years
-making Christmas cookies with aunt chrissy, aydan and harry - she is my mother when it comes to baking...you would be so proud, mom
-wine & beer drinking with the siblings once the kiddos were asleep...we debated, laughed and covered just about every topic (most of which I cannot mention on this blog!)
-cousin pic on Santa's lap...though the line was long and miserable, we captured that moment of the kiddos together
-having a visit with aunt diann and uncle randy at the close's while they were briefly in MI...wonderful to see my family
-Christmas eve service is always beautiful but it's tough...that is where I think of my family, and all of the people hurting out there in particular the victims of sandy hook, ct this year...it sure hit home and my heart aches for those children and all impacted
-Christmas morning - drinking coffee, eating monkey break, giving and getting gifts
-watching my sister put on such a nice dinner for my mom's side of the family - it was so nice to see everyone and wish i saw them more often. great to see my grandfather healthy and happy (he turns 80 this year!!!)
-NYE with our friends kelly and jason - had a great (early) dinner night out at a fabulous restaurant...great to get out after a long break with good people
Of course there are people I wish I caught up with (on the phone and in person) who I miss so much...but know you all were in my heart and I cherish your friendships no matter where you are.
ONE more week until the big day - Elle's birthday! A lot of planning is undergoing...should be a special weekend with our family and friends!
All my love,
Melissa
Happy new year
Mom, Dad, family, friends...
The new year is here...I apologize for the drop off in posts but candidly I didn't want to be redundant. I think by now everyone knows that the holidays are painful, the loss is magnified and all I want is to go "home" for the holidays. You were so missed every day. Grandpa looked great, your sister and brothers were happy and Christina did such a nice job hosting Christmas dinner at her apartment. I have come to realize its not about the space you have it's about simply being together. It will never be the same but I'll tell ya, we're doing an impressive job of pushing through and doing our best to be there for our own children and to not miss those precious moments - while also recognizing the reality. It's tough with Justin...my heart aches and he's lonely too. That is the part I really need continued guidance from up above. I need you to tell me what to do here.
Like the past five Christmases, they've been different. I search for new traditions and memories. This year the Close's had a packed house which was good and bad. I grew up in a house that was all about the more the merrier but when you add several kids and being off their schedule and several different personalities, it can get interesting but all in all a great holiday and awesome to see all of our siblings, nephew and nieces. The toughest part this year was thinking we were saying goodbye to our beloved bulldog Gracie. She was vomitting prior to break so I took her in, they ran tests, x-rays and recommended exploratory surgery. They biopsied major organs and tried to find answers. Unfortunately, the surgery did more harm than good as she didn't recover well...reacted to the meds, continued to not eat, vomitt then ultimately caught pneumonia. Her body was shutting down. We were back in MI getting constant updates from our vet but christmas morning was awful - they didn't think she'd survive.
Well, I'll leave the rest in history because January 4th we brought her home for good. She made a miraculous recovery and while i feel we're left with some mystery and a big dent in our savings, I realized how grace is so much more than a dog. She's family. She's been here for us through the worst and best times in our lives. We weren't ready to say goodbye yet. Our prayers were answered.
2013 will be a big year for us...mom and dad, I cannot even comprehend that you've been gone for almost five years. How is that possible? I hope we've made you proud. Chris will graduate - do you believe it? And ted and I will celebrate TEN years. Right before you passed we were finalizing details on our five year trip. I'm amazed at how quickly time has passed...and now I'm a mother of two. I've so missed having you in my life. It sure has been a journey of digging really deep and accepting that this is the new chapter. This life experience has changed my entire life - good and bad.
Our sweet girl will turn four this month. She was a gift from heaven then and she remains that way today. She's so smart and sweet and I'll leave out how I'm excited to say goodbye to the terrible threes...as I know one day I'll miss them.
Harry is my baby. Though he's 18 months, I still can't put him down. He's so kissable. But I can see my time is almost up with this stage, makes me sad.
Happy new year everyone...praying for continued peace for our family, health for friends and family, success in our careers and lives...and a year that's full of memories (a painful one but a really special one like our wedding) and new ones like Chris graduating. Here's to a new year...
The new year is here...I apologize for the drop off in posts but candidly I didn't want to be redundant. I think by now everyone knows that the holidays are painful, the loss is magnified and all I want is to go "home" for the holidays. You were so missed every day. Grandpa looked great, your sister and brothers were happy and Christina did such a nice job hosting Christmas dinner at her apartment. I have come to realize its not about the space you have it's about simply being together. It will never be the same but I'll tell ya, we're doing an impressive job of pushing through and doing our best to be there for our own children and to not miss those precious moments - while also recognizing the reality. It's tough with Justin...my heart aches and he's lonely too. That is the part I really need continued guidance from up above. I need you to tell me what to do here.
Like the past five Christmases, they've been different. I search for new traditions and memories. This year the Close's had a packed house which was good and bad. I grew up in a house that was all about the more the merrier but when you add several kids and being off their schedule and several different personalities, it can get interesting but all in all a great holiday and awesome to see all of our siblings, nephew and nieces. The toughest part this year was thinking we were saying goodbye to our beloved bulldog Gracie. She was vomitting prior to break so I took her in, they ran tests, x-rays and recommended exploratory surgery. They biopsied major organs and tried to find answers. Unfortunately, the surgery did more harm than good as she didn't recover well...reacted to the meds, continued to not eat, vomitt then ultimately caught pneumonia. Her body was shutting down. We were back in MI getting constant updates from our vet but christmas morning was awful - they didn't think she'd survive.
Well, I'll leave the rest in history because January 4th we brought her home for good. She made a miraculous recovery and while i feel we're left with some mystery and a big dent in our savings, I realized how grace is so much more than a dog. She's family. She's been here for us through the worst and best times in our lives. We weren't ready to say goodbye yet. Our prayers were answered.
2013 will be a big year for us...mom and dad, I cannot even comprehend that you've been gone for almost five years. How is that possible? I hope we've made you proud. Chris will graduate - do you believe it? And ted and I will celebrate TEN years. Right before you passed we were finalizing details on our five year trip. I'm amazed at how quickly time has passed...and now I'm a mother of two. I've so missed having you in my life. It sure has been a journey of digging really deep and accepting that this is the new chapter. This life experience has changed my entire life - good and bad.
Our sweet girl will turn four this month. She was a gift from heaven then and she remains that way today. She's so smart and sweet and I'll leave out how I'm excited to say goodbye to the terrible threes...as I know one day I'll miss them.
Harry is my baby. Though he's 18 months, I still can't put him down. He's so kissable. But I can see my time is almost up with this stage, makes me sad.
Happy new year everyone...praying for continued peace for our family, health for friends and family, success in our careers and lives...and a year that's full of memories (a painful one but a really special one like our wedding) and new ones like Chris graduating. Here's to a new year...
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