news flash!!

I love anything from Tiffanys also known as the "blue box" but what Ted and I shared at Thanksgiving dinner was more exciting then any gift one could buy from there. And, we have learned throughout my Parent's death and beyond that we cannot take anything from the blue box with us when we go....only family, friends and memories matter and all we take with us........Ted and I are once again expecting a baby. Frankly, I was shocked at first and spent several hours crying. I thought to myself, "another baby Mom and Dad won't get to meet" and I got nervous thinking, "how will Ted and I manage both of our careers with two children on our own out of state away from any help and support?" And it occurred to me that if we can get through the brutal loss of my Family and the continued struggles that we face with everything that has followed us from the loss, my brother, and so many other things, then we can do it....I am confident in our ability to somehow make it all work with the help, support and love being sent from above and all around us.......I am nervous, of course. Just today I was overwhelmed getting Elle dressed, fed, dog let out, lunch packed, getting myself ready, etc as Ted is traveling and I couldn't imagine doing it with two children but I know I am not the only one that has to do this on their own. But I know even if I just had my Mom to call would make things better.....I think most Moms can make things better in any given situation. I will miss that for the rest of my life.

Announcing to our Family and Friends on Thanksgiving made things more special.....Holidays are bittersweet for my Sister and I so any good news to share is wonderful. I will miss my Parents immensely throughout this pregnancy and especially when their third Grandchild enters the world next June.....such a special month both Aydan and my Dad's birthday months.

We all gathered this past weekend with Mom's side of the Family...Ted and I treated everyone to yummy Buddy's pizza and it was so nice to be together and talk about our plans for Christmas dinner. They're always missed but I think we all bring each other comfort by being together. Their spirit is always with us through laughter and fun. It's still the weirdest feeling without them though.....

Busy months ahead finishing up our home renovations, visitors, the Holidays, traveling for work and planning for baby #2......thank you all for your love and support. May my parents hear the special news and watch over us throughout this time....my Mom and Dad would just be estatic. Another baby!

Melissa

Thankful

Another Thanksgiving upon us....Ted, Elle, Gracie and I will travel back to MI tomorrow and stay through Sunday. I've made some plans to switch things up a bit this year including the Detroit turkey trot Thanksgiving morning with my Sister and running the mash mile with Aydan...and Saturday, Aydan and Elle will get Christmas pictures and we have lunch with my Mom's Sister and Brother, my Aunt Kim and the kids and Uncle Jimmy. I feel responsible for keeping the small family we have together and gathering like we used to with my Parents. I continue to be amazed how my Parents gathered their friends and family. Not everyone makes the effort but you have to keep doing your best. Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Holiday Season just doesn't feel the same. I am not as excited as I once was to head home. Frankly, not excited at all. Many cannot relate. They are thinking but you have Elle. I know if anyone else lost their parents and brother this way they too would struggle around the holidays. I don't expect anyone to understand. I really don't. But know I wish more than anything I had the Holiday spirit I once had. The Holiday spirit my Mother sure had......she decorated and baked and sent hundreds of Christmas cards, hosted parties and looked forward to Christmas day with her Dad, siblings, children, grandchild and friends. Dad was the entertainer....making sure the Food was ready and that everyone had a drink. I miss my Family...........and I will be thinking of my Mommy, Dad, Brother and Grandfather on Thanksgiving day wishing they were here with the rest of us....my Parents spent Thanksgiving with the Close Family a few times, my brother did even once......it was natural....and it would have always been like that. I am thankful we have the memories even though the pain remains it was taken away. Not everyone was as lucky and Ted and I were.

Looking forward to a few days off work, time to see my nephew and my Sister and some of our family and meet up with our friends..........we are still so thankful for so much....our kitchen is looking so nice now and we are only a few weeks away from it all being complete. Just in time for my Aunt and Uncle's visit in December and my Sister. I am looking ahead to fun times with my Family at our newly renovated home that hopefully will be more comfortable for entertaining.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Family in Heaven that I miss dearly and to all of my Family and Friends that are a part of our life each and every day. We are blessed to have you in our life.

Melissa

music to my heart

I received one of the most beautiful, thoughtful emails in my life today and especially since my parent's death throughout these past few years....and I have received A LOT of wonderfully comforting, sincere emails from so many friends and family throughout these times.

The words I read were things I have always wanted to hear-someone trying to relate what a beautiful experience such as having a child would be like without Parents to share in the joy and love. Especially having them die the way they did. It was comforting, sad and beautiful to read. Ted's cousin just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy and she has incredibly loving, supportive parents and fabulous in-laws. The perfect combo, just like I had. It felt comforting to hear someone say, ya know, it just wouldn't be the same without my own Parents. We love our in-laws, they're amazing, but they're not our parents and not our "mommy". "Someone understands" I thought to myself...not fully, of course, because she has her parents to share in the joy but the fact that she tried to relate to what I have been facing and that it has been bittersweet. While the words didn't take my pain away, I cried tears of thankfulness that someone was thinking of me-appreciating all they have through the birth of their child and into the future-and wishing I had the same. People have absolutely told me they admire my strength and courage but for someone to tell me they are even in more awe of me now, that they have experienced what it's like to have your own child and have your family surrounding you, how I have chosen to live my life despite this sadness and recognizing how tough this must continue to be. Thank you for thinking of me through these tough, beatiful, heartbreaking moments I have faced.

I know more children will come between my Sister and I and we will always have heavy hearts wishing my parents were here waiting in the delivery room antipcating the excitement of meeting their next Grandchild. We'll never have that. I am thankful my Sister did with Aydan. My Mom cut the cord and my Father walked in with a baseball glove and ball. Thank god they experienced a gift of a grandchild. While it was much too short, thank you god for allowing my Parents to have this before their life ended.

Empathy is an amazing trait to have and I hope now I can always relate and put myself in someone else's shoes even if for only a moment. Life is tough for some, others will complain through life trying to compete with the Jone's family focusing on material things, and some will live with great strength and have great love for others even though their life has been painful. I hope I can continue living a good life but I worry. I worry about the continued missing of my Family and facing the way they died and not having that closeness and how it will impact my future and my own Family's future. I worry a lot about one day facing my brother which is on next year's have to do. I know how lonely he is and I'm saddended he too will not enjoy his Holidays as we always remembered them to be. I wish I could do more for him. I will visit someday, brother.

I love you too, Beth. Thank you.

family

We took pictures in the park this weekend with our friends for the Holidays.....we got some adorable ones for potential Christmas cards and for family. Yet, all I would like to do is share them with my Mom. I am already stressed about the Holidays. Who will host Christmas this year? Where will we go with my Grandfather and the small group that is left? So many things have changed. Mom and Dad had been hosting Christmas dinner for 20+ years.....and I think of my Sister....Matt is working on Christmas this year and Aydan will be with his Dad on the day so I know it will be emotional for my Sister, I am hoping we can gather at her house..... She literally has no where to spend Christmas morning. It's just crazy. Well of course I will invite her over to Ted's parents home but that's not the same. We both want to be with our family too. It's so strange to not have a home to go back to for the Holidays, to show off your children to you parent's old friends, neighbors, etc. It's been a very challenging transition. I want Aydan and Elle to have speical memories with our family, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents but I need to accept things have changed and this is our new Family but our hearts will always ache and we will do everything we can to make certain their memory lives on through both of our children.

We are so thankful we have Elle, honestly, I feel at times she is the only thing that will make the Holidays bright. She continues to amaze us with how much she is growing, talking and learning. She is just too cute. And I am thankful for great friends and in fact, one of them is coming to visit me this weekend. A great way to kick off the Holiday Season. Just wish our house was in better shape but we have a few more weeks to go.....we picked out the granite for our Island this weekend and the new fridge and stove arrive this week. Getting excited for future entertaining...

Love,

Melissa

21 months old

Favorite foods: spinach, broccoli (yes, I got lucky), greek yogurt, pizza, strawberries, vanilla ice cream, papa's homemade mac and cheese, anything CHEESE

Favorite things: books, blankies, puzzles, animals (dogs in particular)

Favorite activities: picking up leaves, cruising in her beep beep, art at school, playing with friends, dancing, feeding Gracie, unloading the dishwasher

Favorite words: walk away Gracie, oh no, love you mama, love you papa, love you Gracie, gracie go potty, bye bye everybody, all done, more, please, doggie, book, read

Favorite sign language: more, please, eat, dog, cat, mom, dad, police, doctor, help, spider, book, baby, thank you

Latest game: not liking to put shirts on in the morning or diaper changing

Favorite time spent with Elle: walking her up to the square, grabbing a coffee, and letting her run around the fountain......rocking her at night thinking about life, missing my family and how lucky we are to have a healthy, beautiful, smart toddler even with tremendous grief.... and lastly, in the morning-we try to get 10 more minutes of sleep so we bring her in bed (only if it's after 6am) and she watches Disney's OSO and jumps all over us

I love her with all of my heart and I can only imagine how much my Parents would too........may they look down and see this beautiful, growing daughter of mine.....we miss you everyday and you are the reason we are here today and have become the people we are.

All my love,

Mommy

notes

It's the little things that brighten up a day....but meaningful things that warm your heart and even make you laugh a little too....

I've been having nightmares again and just very vivid dreams. They always impact my day. Always regarding my parents, my brother, guns, and they rotate my really close friends in and out of them. Today when I got the mail, in addition to the Holiday catalogs and bills, there were two cards written out to me that I was excited to open. First was a postcard from one of my best girlfriends, who clearly knows I am a tad stressed over this "dust"...her post card said on the front "I dreamt my whole house was clean" and she wrote inside (reminding me that there is a light at the end of THIS tunnel) that a beautiful kitchen is coming soon. Thanks friend....

And then I opened the second card, not recognizing the handwriting, and began to read such beautiful, thoughtful words. I had given my therapist a copy of my book the last time I saw her and she took the time to write me a quite lengthy note about how touching it was and how she wish she would have met my parents and how handsome of a couple they were and how she has gotten to know them through me and how very proud they ARE........she was so thankful I shared this with her. She has been a wonderful blessing to my life and at times maybe even the only person that fully understands what I am facing. She herself said she could never imagine something so horrific yet I have explained to her my inner most thoughts, fears, anger and sadness....and I think she gets it. She continues to tell me that I have down a remarkable job. Yes, yes, I know........but it doesn't take the sadness away? I'm just one of the lucky, tough ones.......but it doesn't make it any easier.

What two beautiful notes to cheer up my day and to make me feel important. Much love to two special ladies in my life....

Tomorrow is a big day for miss Elle. At 21 months old, she will get her very first haircut. While she doesn't have a ton of hair, it is simply growing out and covering up her eyes so I will take her to see my Maria that I have been going to for the last 4 years.....this should be interesting.

Much love,

Melissa

the great pumpkin

I am now seeing the true fun behind Halloween. And, a greater understanding why it was one of my Mom's most favorite times of the year. It's all about the kids but even adults can have fun too. My Mom always dressed up and even more so after we got older and she no longer had to walk us around the neighborhood for hours on end to get more candy......one of her more recent creative costumes she put together herself was the bride of Frankenstein. She wore an old red formal dress of mine with a massive wig and painted her face very creepy looking. It was quite outrageous but she was full of fun and got the biggest kick out of the costume and seeing people's reaction. Dad, on the other hand, went the easy route which consisted of a Hawaiian shirt (which was included in his daily wardrobe anyway), a Tigers hat and maybe a mask, and would call himself "magnum PI". One things for sure, they always had fun. Our childhood home was the hot spot for trick or treating...we were right on the corner which meant we always had to have the biggest pumpkin in the neighborhood, a creatively built spider on our tree made by my Mom and her friend, and plenty of friends and family stopping by to visit throughout the evening. My Cousins still miss Halloween at my Moms. They have been going over their since they were little. My nephew too. It was part of the tradition....so much has changed and for us because we live out of State, we generally have smaller more quaint gatherings with a few neighbors. Ted cooked up a pot of my Dad's kielbasa and sauerkraut, cupcakes were baked and we had a fridge filled with seasonal beers to enjoy on the porch with friends. Miss Elle had the most fun walking up and down the street to collect candy. She got the hang of it after the first house and it was too cute watching her grab the candy and place it in her bucket. We let her indulge because it was Halloween....folks, we have a chocolate lover on our hands. She finally came down from the sugar high and fell fast asleep around 8pm. She was exhausted. Let's hope we can keep the sweet tooth to Holidays and celebrations....I am sure all Parents say this. I am just pleased she still eats her broccoli and spinach.

Ted's parents were also down for a quick visit this weekend. They don't get down to Cincinnati much as they work full time and we are so busy to begin with but it was nice to have some family down to see our renovations, to play with Elle, to take us out to dinner like were kids again, and to have someone to go shopping with to pick out fun shoes for my daughter. Relationships with in-laws can be complicated and I have listened to people through the years complain, gripe, and ignore their in-laws. I just didn't get it. Ted and I loved watching, after we got married, our two families become close. Close enough to share several Thanksgivings together, birthdays, visits up to the lake, Christmas day dinner, and even the last Easter dinner we all shared together before my Parents were killed. We had a unique bond. But, take your immediate family away, all you knew as a child, having a new baby without your parents, and facing a horrific loss that you still can't make sense of, and you are bound to have pressures, struggles and sadness as you try to make your way back into a family that you have loved dearly for many years yet you miss your own family, traditions and love from them--so badly. It has been very heartbreaking and difficult.

I guess I have learned that while the deep sadness of the way they died and the constant wishing they were here to see "this", you learn to take deeper breathes, you bite your tongue a little more as no one will ever truly understand what we are facing, and you continue to surround yourself by the best people that you love and that have helped you throughout these tough times. It's hard not to gravitate to those who you feel most comfortable with and that you feel have been even a part of your healing process. I have learned so much throughout these last few years and you truly find your lifelong friendships and family who will always be there through the toughest days of your life when you suffer a life-altering event. You know who will be there and sadly, some relationships may fade...no one's fault of course. Some just don't know what to do or say and saying nothing results in hurt and anger for some. I act like I have this all figured out when I really don't....I learn something new each and every day and wish more then anything I never had to discuss the topics of tragedy and grief and the impact of losing your identity before your eyes. But one thing my Sister and I have been so blessed with is inner strength. I talked about it in the interview and this is what allows us to get out of bed each day to let the joy and fun and love into our lives to give our children, family and friends, all we have to offer. We do this well but not without tears along the way.............we miss our family. And I can already feel the sense of sadness as the Holidays approach....no matter how much you have to be thankful for (mainly a healthy, beautiful daughter and a supportive husband), nothing will ever replace the void. The meaning of Holidays will be forever changed for me but I look forward to watching them through the eyes of my child and thinking of the joy I know us kids brought to my Mom and Dad....especially around the Holidays. I wish they were here.

All of my love,
Melissa