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Stupid death certificates. I had just gotten off the phone with my Sister-in-law to be and had a lovely conversation about their upcoming wedding and the plans and what the timelines are for Miss Elle, the wedding, and the babysitter she graciously arranged after Elle is ready to call it a night, etc, etc. Then I remembered I had to go through my parents things to locate the jeep's title from the lake that we are selling to one of my Dad's friends. A title- I can handle that. It will take 1 minute. I will run up to the top level, open up the files, go to the car tab, and locate the title.

But I had to once again, as I always do, pull the death certificates out and stare at them. I first start at the top and read their age, 50 on mom's and 51 on dad's . and then my eyes instantly wander down to see cause of death- multiple gun shot wounds and the very words- found shot. I hate this every time. My heart starts racing and I sit there on the ground just in shock for about 5 minutes. The file, which contains all of their important papers from 28+ years in Allen Park,  still have a slight scent of their home on them and I smell it instantly when I open up the file box. I hate moments like this when I have to sit here thinking how my parents died.  I gotta tell you, I think it one of the most worst thoughts anyone could have. I imagine children's tragic deaths and abductions of children with no answers and other tragedies in this nature have caused and are still causing these "shock" moments- even after two years have gone by. Just because they say time makes the pain a little less deep, it still hurts immensely.

See, I'm focusing energy on this. It's SO hard not to. I'm so mad and sad. Why did MY parents have to die this way. I want to be skipping through life with normal stresses, excited about upcoming weddings and babies, and milestones with Elle, etc......I hate feeling sad and bummed out about the future events. We are going to a beautiful place in FL with Ted's side of the family for his brother's wedding- I want to enjoy this with no dark moments. I can't wait to connect with our cousins and Aunts and Uncles and my Sister is coming and we'll get to see our beautiful daughter walk down the aisle for his Uncle Tom & Aunt Jess and be so proud of what she has already become in 16 short months of life. She already has a personality; she's funny, goofy and sensitive to other's needs.  But then I am thinking how the day we leave FL, June 28th, is my father's birthday. He liked FL and loved Hawaiian shirts. In particular, the one Ted and I actually found for him down in FL before our family cruise.....we ended up burying him in that shirt. It was symbolic and appropriate for my dad. 

And then we have the 4th of July. I want to focus on the fact of how blessed I was for all of those childhood years (even if I didn't realize until later in life) to be able to call a second place in Northern MI home and to now be able to gather with family and friends to continue making memories...just as they would have wanted- is wonderful (as a said before- sadness then sweetness). Their smiles, laughter and joy they got by entertaining friends and family has been embedded into me and I only hope we continue their many traditions and parties. 

I want to enjoy these upcoming special events. I will be strong. They'll be floating around there somewhere....

I'll send the title tomorrow. Goodbye to papa's jeep. It's just a "jeep".....right? papa's jeep.