7 years old

I can't believe the little guy just turned 7 years old.........I remember when he was born, a month after we got married. I would cry, because we were all the way out in Boston, and didn't get to see him much. I would call constantly. Mom would watch Aydan a lot and I would bug her several times a day to hear everything about what he was doing. It all seems like such a blur though with 7 years passing by.... I will be forever thankful my parents had those precious baby years with him and got to watch him and take him places and leave Aydan with special memories...he'll always have the pictures. But it kills me at the same time that he didn't get to continue having wonderful grandparents and for my Sister to have her safety net/support system taken away.... I was talking to my Sister before we came to MI this weekend and she had to put me on hold so she could pray with Aydan quickly before going to bed. I took my ear away from the phone because I didn't want to hear it. All I heard at the end though when I came back to the phone was something very painful and heartbreaking, "I wish you were alive so you could come to my birthday party on Sunday". My parents wanted to be here. They didn't want to miss your birthday party, Aydan just as they didn't want to miss Elle and her many milestones that we will have. It's hard, it's part of our life but we have such resiliency and my therapist confirmed today how "remarkable" I am doing- thank you Barbara. I don't hear that much. Only a few want to bring it up. They would rather say nothing then say anything at all because it will make them feel uncomfortable thinking it will make me sad yet for me, it makes me even sadder. I stick close by to the people that do say things and that I feel comfortable talking about my issues and fears with. I need to hear at times that I am doing well considering but I also know people have their own lives/stresses and issues even if they are small things, we all have stresses.
I keep going though knowing I have my own beautiful family unit and that we have so many wonderful things planned for the Summer...FL in two weeks in a beautiful hotel (we even splurged on a suite), we'll get to watch Elle run through the sand on one of the most picturesque beaches in the US and get to witness her trying to walk down the aisle, and then the 4th of July with family and friends gathered up at the lake- it will finally be warm enough to sit on our new dock with chairs, a glass of wine, and maybe a book...and then a vacation with friends to my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful vacation home in Hilton Head. I may have experienced the worst kind of loss and sadness that I find most of the time unexplainable, but I still have an exciting, adventurous life. Ted and I are "do-ers", we are outside experiencing life, we're good friends or at least we try, we're planners (ok, I'm the planner), and we make memories with the people around us. I hope people will continue to join us along this journey because I will never stop the planning and fun.........even if I am hurt on the inside of missing my wonderful parents and brother.............there is still a lot of life to be lived. I'll do it all with a HUGE hole in my heart! And some days I am consumed by the sadness, others I smile knowing I have become the person I am today because of the parents I had and the impact they have had on our lives-since their death. But I will always, always carry the sadness with me. It's never far from my mind. They were just too special and young....and I would do anything to have my Mom around to bug today. I want to bug my Mom today.

I am proud of the athlete my nephew has become. He's almost too heavy for me to pick him up which makes me sad.......they would be SO proud of him.....and he wants nothing to do with his "aunt missy" these days...it's all about "uncle Ted" - apparently I cannot kick the ball hard enough so he says......I know my Dad enjoyed his last day on earth tossing the ball to Aydan. My Dad was a great guy.

All my love,
Melissa