Fl wedding for Uncle Tom and Auntie Jess

We arrived back into Cincinnati this morning after an unexpected cancelled flight yesterday out of FL....although it caused some initial stress, we were excited to have one more pool day and it happened to be Dad's 54th birthday so we were able to have some drinks and toast to him and remember my amazing Dad......I miss him so much.

I did well this weekend. I did what I said I was going to do- enjoy myself to the greatest extent. But there were moments of sadness......Ted's Dad did a beautiful speech at the rehearsal dinner- he started off talking about how at each of his son's weddings, their network of family and friends expands. He first talked about our wedding- my parents and the Olszowy family, and talked about the fun that we all had and the relationships that grew with Pat & Jerome and how lord took them away. I wasn't expecting anything to be said about my parents. It caught me off guard but it was so special. I know my parents had a special place in their heart and they always will. I guess it makes me sad because I know we had something special with our two families. And then, as my beautiful Sister-in-law walked down the aisle, I turned my head and saw my Sister crying. I knew she was crying for several reasons. She will never have that moment with Dad. I cried for her and cried missing my own father and then cried some more for how beautiful Jess looked and how happy my brother-in-law was. 

The hotel we stayed at was very trendy and we had a fantastic room with views of the beautiful bay. We shared fun dinners out with Ted's family and after Elle went to sleep we would have family and the wedding party down in our suite for drinks. Elle was a rock star this entire weekend. She took naps, she went down every night in the hotel crib, slept through the night, passed out on the way home from the reception to be dropped off with a babysitter so I could go back and enjoy some of the signature wedding cocktails-"close to heaven" and dance with my Sister, cousin Beth, Ted and others...... Elle loves to run.....and I was whipped by the time it hit 9pm and I was quite relaxed once I could come back to the reception and enjoy the wedding. But Elle did such a great job and looked adorable.....she walked down the aisle perfectly, while holding my hand. and sat through the ceremony while she quietly picked apart her flowers. It was a special day and I was very proud of her and Ted- I loved seeing them both be a part of their wedding. 

We enjoyed lazy days by the pool, frozen drinks, poolside food, checking out Siesta Key beach and being with Ted's family. 

There will always be moments of great sadness- wishing my parents were still alive so I could share this all with them- to see how beautiful Elle is and how much she has grown. I think I'll be so sad about that for the rest of my life. See, they were suppose to be here. They were never suppose to miss all of this. Losing them both so tragically makes it even worse. But I thank my parents, perhaps even my grandfather, for sending down strength to my Sister and I. As my therapist says, recognize the pain- it really, really hurts, but then also allow yourself to let the joy in. And I think I did that this weekend. I definitely let joy in my life down in Sarasota, FL...

Tired, 

Melissa 

new shades for Teddy (papa-as Elle refers to him...)

block party =lots of kids (our street has changed and is practically all families now), meeting new neighbors, food, drinks, Elle running around, kids to bed- adults finish fun on the streets with chairs, candles and wine. Father's day = Elle walking into the living room to give Daddy his presents, walked to our market for the bread of course, had a coffee and made our way back home, Elle and I went shopping to prepare for our trip-fell asleep in the car and she made it through the entire shopping trip at Babies R US asleep in my arms (I loved every minute of it, even the "arm is about to fall off" moments.... and spent time thinking about Dad..... too painful and too much anger to even talk about it anymore today. I miss him every day and it doesn't have to be Father's day to recognize my Dad or realize how tough emotionally it is without him in our lives.....I am so bummed he is not with us to share in my life with Ted and Elle.....I just don't even know what else to say anymore about it. I miss them so much. 

A good weekend at home.....we are ready and waiting for the FL vacation and wedding of Tom and Jess.........much needed time away to a fun place..... And the countdown begins....4 days to go...

father's day shopping

It's one of those days that I would have called my mom several times. work stuff. getting lost to Elle's ear doctor appt. shopping for Ted's father's day gift at the mall w/o a stroller- miss Elle trying on every hat and pair of sunglasses she could get her hands on...and then out to dinner with friends AND, Elle, for the very first time in a public place, had a melt down. She had her buddy sitting next to her in another highchair and she just wasn't feeling the dinner or the sippy cups, straws and spoons they were "sharing". And once we held her, she instantly wanted down. Luckily the couple who we were out to dinner with are good friends, they live just across the street, we had just watched their little guy last night for a few hours....so, we asked for our portion of the check and got the food to go for us. I was annoyed for a few minutes seeing as the second we got her out of the restaurant she was happy as a clam. Ugh, that Sam Summer tasted so yummy and I only got a few sips out of my glass.

Oh well, after reading hippos go berserk 6 times, she fell asleep and now I find myself sitting on our back patio with glass of wine in hand. Relaxing...at last.....I don't relax much- I'm not good at it, unless on vacation. I wish I had that talent to sit back and chill when at home but I can't. There is always a window to be cleaned of fingerprints or dishes to be loaded or laundry to be done or emails to be checked or flowers to be watered. Ted is a great help. He gets Elle packed up and fed in the morning so I can shower, and if he's not traveling he has dinner ready for us when we get home but I find myself thinking a lot of the times that it's never enough. There's always something else to be done or something else to think about. Like father's day...it was fun shopping for Ted and I can't wait to pick out a card for him from Elle but selfishly, I want Father's day to go by quick. I miss my Dad. He should be here right now. They should be getting into town tonight for a long weekend. We'd take them to dinner. He'd open his gifts on Sunday after he cooked us all breakfast. He was such a selfless guy to most. He wasn't perfect by any means but I see the way he was so much clearer now that he is gone. I loved how when he would come here he would take over; he was handy, he cooked, he fixed things, he hung things, he unloaded things and watered things.....I miss my Dad. I am angry he was gone at 51 years old so tragically. The pictures of him kill me when I look at them. His own son. Did this really happen? Are the days like below in this picture gone? Can we really never share a drink, a cigar, with Dad?

Happy Father's day to my Dad in heaven; you were the best and I know how proud of me you were even though I was still such a pain in the ass. And to my husband Ted, thanks for being the Dad I always knew you would be to our daughter. I have no doubt in my mind Elle will grow up to be a daddy's girl and I love that. Thanks for your understanding on Sunday. I know it's your day too and I know you deserve your own day.....but I'm sad. I miss my Dad, and his humor, every single day.

7 years old

I can't believe the little guy just turned 7 years old.........I remember when he was born, a month after we got married. I would cry, because we were all the way out in Boston, and didn't get to see him much. I would call constantly. Mom would watch Aydan a lot and I would bug her several times a day to hear everything about what he was doing. It all seems like such a blur though with 7 years passing by.... I will be forever thankful my parents had those precious baby years with him and got to watch him and take him places and leave Aydan with special memories...he'll always have the pictures. But it kills me at the same time that he didn't get to continue having wonderful grandparents and for my Sister to have her safety net/support system taken away.... I was talking to my Sister before we came to MI this weekend and she had to put me on hold so she could pray with Aydan quickly before going to bed. I took my ear away from the phone because I didn't want to hear it. All I heard at the end though when I came back to the phone was something very painful and heartbreaking, "I wish you were alive so you could come to my birthday party on Sunday". My parents wanted to be here. They didn't want to miss your birthday party, Aydan just as they didn't want to miss Elle and her many milestones that we will have. It's hard, it's part of our life but we have such resiliency and my therapist confirmed today how "remarkable" I am doing- thank you Barbara. I don't hear that much. Only a few want to bring it up. They would rather say nothing then say anything at all because it will make them feel uncomfortable thinking it will make me sad yet for me, it makes me even sadder. I stick close by to the people that do say things and that I feel comfortable talking about my issues and fears with. I need to hear at times that I am doing well considering but I also know people have their own lives/stresses and issues even if they are small things, we all have stresses.
I keep going though knowing I have my own beautiful family unit and that we have so many wonderful things planned for the Summer...FL in two weeks in a beautiful hotel (we even splurged on a suite), we'll get to watch Elle run through the sand on one of the most picturesque beaches in the US and get to witness her trying to walk down the aisle, and then the 4th of July with family and friends gathered up at the lake- it will finally be warm enough to sit on our new dock with chairs, a glass of wine, and maybe a book...and then a vacation with friends to my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful vacation home in Hilton Head. I may have experienced the worst kind of loss and sadness that I find most of the time unexplainable, but I still have an exciting, adventurous life. Ted and I are "do-ers", we are outside experiencing life, we're good friends or at least we try, we're planners (ok, I'm the planner), and we make memories with the people around us. I hope people will continue to join us along this journey because I will never stop the planning and fun.........even if I am hurt on the inside of missing my wonderful parents and brother.............there is still a lot of life to be lived. I'll do it all with a HUGE hole in my heart! And some days I am consumed by the sadness, others I smile knowing I have become the person I am today because of the parents I had and the impact they have had on our lives-since their death. But I will always, always carry the sadness with me. It's never far from my mind. They were just too special and young....and I would do anything to have my Mom around to bug today. I want to bug my Mom today.

I am proud of the athlete my nephew has become. He's almost too heavy for me to pick him up which makes me sad.......they would be SO proud of him.....and he wants nothing to do with his "aunt missy" these days...it's all about "uncle Ted" - apparently I cannot kick the ball hard enough so he says......I know my Dad enjoyed his last day on earth tossing the ball to Aydan. My Dad was a great guy.

All my love,
Melissa

title

Stupid death certificates. I had just gotten off the phone with my Sister-in-law to be and had a lovely conversation about their upcoming wedding and the plans and what the timelines are for Miss Elle, the wedding, and the babysitter she graciously arranged after Elle is ready to call it a night, etc, etc. Then I remembered I had to go through my parents things to locate the jeep's title from the lake that we are selling to one of my Dad's friends. A title- I can handle that. It will take 1 minute. I will run up to the top level, open up the files, go to the car tab, and locate the title.

But I had to once again, as I always do, pull the death certificates out and stare at them. I first start at the top and read their age, 50 on mom's and 51 on dad's . and then my eyes instantly wander down to see cause of death- multiple gun shot wounds and the very words- found shot. I hate this every time. My heart starts racing and I sit there on the ground just in shock for about 5 minutes. The file, which contains all of their important papers from 28+ years in Allen Park,  still have a slight scent of their home on them and I smell it instantly when I open up the file box. I hate moments like this when I have to sit here thinking how my parents died.  I gotta tell you, I think it one of the most worst thoughts anyone could have. I imagine children's tragic deaths and abductions of children with no answers and other tragedies in this nature have caused and are still causing these "shock" moments- even after two years have gone by. Just because they say time makes the pain a little less deep, it still hurts immensely.

See, I'm focusing energy on this. It's SO hard not to. I'm so mad and sad. Why did MY parents have to die this way. I want to be skipping through life with normal stresses, excited about upcoming weddings and babies, and milestones with Elle, etc......I hate feeling sad and bummed out about the future events. We are going to a beautiful place in FL with Ted's side of the family for his brother's wedding- I want to enjoy this with no dark moments. I can't wait to connect with our cousins and Aunts and Uncles and my Sister is coming and we'll get to see our beautiful daughter walk down the aisle for his Uncle Tom & Aunt Jess and be so proud of what she has already become in 16 short months of life. She already has a personality; she's funny, goofy and sensitive to other's needs.  But then I am thinking how the day we leave FL, June 28th, is my father's birthday. He liked FL and loved Hawaiian shirts. In particular, the one Ted and I actually found for him down in FL before our family cruise.....we ended up burying him in that shirt. It was symbolic and appropriate for my dad. 

And then we have the 4th of July. I want to focus on the fact of how blessed I was for all of those childhood years (even if I didn't realize until later in life) to be able to call a second place in Northern MI home and to now be able to gather with family and friends to continue making memories...just as they would have wanted- is wonderful (as a said before- sadness then sweetness). Their smiles, laughter and joy they got by entertaining friends and family has been embedded into me and I only hope we continue their many traditions and parties. 

I want to enjoy these upcoming special events. I will be strong. They'll be floating around there somewhere....

I'll send the title tomorrow. Goodbye to papa's jeep. It's just a "jeep".....right? papa's jeep. 

the special dress~

The hubby traveled all week so we were excited to have him home late Friday night....

Saturday we packed up a cooler to bring lunch to the nearby park with miss Elle. Little did we realize how hot and humid it was but we still enjoyed an hour watching Elle take a few bites of food and run fast across the grass......now I am seeing the benefit of a nice lawn and yard....maybe next year....for now, I am enjoying this lovely neighborhood we have.....

This weekend was Mel and Nick's daughter's baptism and we ended up not going back since Ted got home so late and traveled all week and we actually will be in MI this upcoming weekend to help celebrate Aydan's 7th birthday (which is crazy by the way). I was bummed... but we were so honored to surprise miss Mckenna with the Olszowy/Greiner baptism gown that has been in our family for over 50 years......Melissa wasn't able to find her gown she wore as a child so I thought this was a special thing to do so I confirmed with my Aunt who graciously refurbished it for Elle- if it was okay. After she said absolutely, I overnighted the dress to arrive as a surprise. It's a special dress. I remember feeling sad getting Elle dressed on her baptism day thinking how my parents put the same one on me and how they were surrounded by their parents and all of their loved ones....30 years ago. I wanted my Mom and Dad to watch us get Elle dressed and watching us at church so proud to see Ted and I as parents. But I am positive they would have been so proud and happy to see Elle wearing it and then equally thrilled that McKenna, who is family to us anyway, proudly wear it as well. 

So we couldn't be there but we, as well as a piece of my entire family and traditions, were present in spirit.....

pictures above are Miss Elle and then McKenna wearing the special dress almost exactly a year apart from each other. 

Missing my mom and dad and thanking them for passing along strong values and traditions that live throughout so many of us......Melissa

therapy at it's finest

I am so tired of drama....I feel like it's always something.....nothing is ever "simple" or easy.  My therapist is right. I have to lower expectations or I am setting myself up to be let down and saddened for years to come.  She said some very meaningful things during the hour today. here are just a few that I am truly trying to digest, understand and use. A mix of some things my therapist and I said today......

• This tragedy was horrible- and this sadness you will carry for the rest of your life but do your best to recognize it but try not to focus a lot of energy on it- focus on the good memories you had. (This sounds so easy yet I fight the thought of how they died daily...I would love to think of only the good stuff. )
• Being at the lake is hard because I know how much my Mom and Dad would have loved having all of their family gather. Again, recognize it but then get excited that wow, look at what my parents have instilled in us and how critically important friends and family are and how their spirit lives within us. 
• Expectations of what someone should or shouldn't say, do or shouldn't do-- they will never understand. never to the extent to which you and your Sister and family do. People have to move on. Surround yourself by people that have and will continue to support you no matter what. There will be people who will help you keep their memory alive. 
• Anger/depression/sadness- when it comes over you- I want you to take several deep breaths.    
• Stop saying your inlaws are "all we have left" or else you will be let down and all your needs will never be met- what about your Aunts and Uncles that are in your life even more now- take trips with them, visit them. What about your Sister, and what about these cousins you talk about on the East Coast and your Grandfather at the lake and these amazing friends you have. Friends become family in these situations.  No one will EVER replace the void of your parents and the pain but you do have people out there to continue making memories with and to help carve out this family life you so badly crave.  Be closer with YOUR Aunts and Uncles and Sister. Guess what Melissa- they DO understand. They are the only ones that come close to "getting it".  (yes, but some don't want to talk about it. It's hard for them. Some want to try and block it out. My Grandfather can't face it- but then I think to myself- who could face this? Could anyone I know bury both of their parents at a young age as a result of this? Could anyone else be okay after burying their Daughter and Son-in-law??? I struggle with this).          

She helped me so much (for today at least). I felt better after I left (although no sooner then an hour later more drama was brought into my life that of course I had to stick my little nose in ). But after all this I still find myself alone (she pointed out that is why I do and think a lot of the things that I do because I AM lonely due to missing my Parents and MY family unit) and thinking of the future without them. (SO normal she repeated) She continued to say try your best to not focus on the future without them or it will kill you inside. Every milestone/event/etc will have sadness but then sweetness. This is the truth but I need to do my best recognizing it then moving onto "but thanks MOM, I am a great MOM because of you, look at what you instilled in me".   

Sounds all great right?  Sorry....for anyone that is reading this post....it is probably so hard to follow. I literally just write what I am thinking and was trying to share a session that was so beneficial to me in the given moment and it started to make sense yet a few hours later, I still feel the empty broken heart and very plain and simply stated- I miss my Mom and Dad.  Thanks for the support..........Melissa