ugh...it's here

And here we are again......the month of April is tomorrow. The most painful of them all. Their last week alive two years ago, their death, Mom and Justin's birthday and bringing back,  as if it were yesterday, all of the details, moments and memories that you still can't believe happened to your own Family. 

It was 80 and sunny today and I had the chance to grab lunch outside at a trendy little spot with my manager and a co-worker. I love eating outside when the sun is shining. I couldn't wait to take a quick walk with Elle when I got home after the craziness was over of getting her fed, changed, etc.  Thankfully Daddy usually has dinner popping out of the oven when we arrive. Yes, I am lucky. My Dad would be so proud of him. Mom would keep asking when I was going to learn.

I opened our front door and I saw and heard the ice cream truck. He stopped in front of our house as a neighbor waved him down.....and I just stared. I stared for at least 5 minutes thinking of my childhood. I remember so vividly that ice cream truck coming down our street and all of us kids begging our parents for a few dollars so we could pretty please get an ice cream. The truck even came long after I was a child, even Aydan got to sucker Mom and Dad into several. As I listened to the music and stared at the truck I was just in awe what has happened to my Family and how different and quickly life changed from the days of running around the neighborhood with an ice cream. Here I am, 30 years old, great job, house, husband and now an expanded family but my Parents were dead- and Justin, who I know in my heart of hearts would have never done this if it weren't for the illness and weaning off medications, did this. My own brother. My own Parents.  To others, this is just another year gone by....sure they are missed so deeply by their hundreds of friends and family but that every day pain is strongly felt by only a few. People have to go on. What else can we all do? But it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sometimes I get sad thinking people have forgotten what has happended and we have to fight this on our own. Sometimes, people just don't know what to say. They can't relate and they're living their own lives. And I really do understand....now of course I say I would know what to say to someone and how to help and how to comfort them. But I am only saying this because I went through something tragic. Two years ago, I wouldn't know the first thing to do. 

I am thankful for this weekend we are approaching though....Easter has become very sentimental as it was the last Holiday spent together as a Family- we were all together at Ted's parents house. My Mom made her Easter basket cupcakes. Dad bought pirogis. And I spent an early Easter lunch with Mom, Dad and Grandpa. The last time I would witness us all being together. 

This year my aunt and uncle, sister, nephew and Matt are headed to Cincinnati for Easter again and we're thrilled to have visitors. We've always been so lucky no matter where we have lived to get visitors; friends or family. We love to entertain and I am so excited we have the opportunity to all be together. It will be a fun yet heartbreaking weekend as we near the anniversary of their death. I have daily moments of real sadness but April is just multiplied with devastation. Ugh........I just want to have a happy life and have my family back. I am still so thankful for the Family that will be on their way to see us Friday and the memories will make with Elle.....looking forward to Aydan helping Elle find Aunt Missy's eggs with money in them and eating and hanging out. It's suppose to be an incredibly warm, sunny weekend.........

We'll be thinking of my Parents who left us too soon and we wish more then anything they could be with us here today. We miss you too Grandpa. 

Happy Easter. I'll never forget it. 

                                                                  

Shower in MI

Back at home and Elle is sound asleep after a quick weekend in MI.... I almost always say "home" but then correct myself and say MI. It's really no longer home to me...it's sad and strange for me to not have my own place to call home besides of course our home in Cincinnati, but you know what I mean, your home where your Parents and sibling are. To not have Parents or Grandparents to visit with or really much family around at all to visit is hard.....To hear my Sister talk to my brother on the phone as we were driving to Jess' s shower was hard. To witness friends and family with their Mother's is hard. To picture my Sister one day getting married and doing it without Mom and Dad is hard, heartbreaking actually. What will we do? What would any of the people I know have done without their parents for their wedding day or for the birth of their children....I know we are strong and we continue to go on but never how we would have ever imagined.  Ted made my day on Saturday by taking Aydan to hockey evaluations so my Sister could attend my Sister-in-law to be's shower. It was a really cute, quaint,  shower with yummy food and sweet decorations. As a Close family, we are all looking forward to some Florida Sun and a wedding. It's going to be great and I can't wait to see Miss Elle Bell walking down the aisle and to spend time with our New England Family. 

Elle was a doll at the shower other than shaking her head "no" whenever anyone would come up to ask if they could hold her. It was actually quite funny but I did feel bad- the people that actually knew her, other my Sister, didn't get to really hold her. It's a whole new ball game when they reach this age. She continued to glance over at the treat table and after lunch I caved and let her have a vanilla cupcake.....oh yes, she too is a sweet lover like myself and the rest of the Olszowy girls. Hey, I tried. At least she loves spinach. 

Ted's parents enjoyed having their granddaughter around and had the chance to give her an Easter basket filled with lots of dresses for FL, books and several new toys including a stroller for her animals and babies and a new lawnmower. Elle was the entertainment at the dinner table....she made us all laugh....

It will never be the same for me heading back to MI....not sure what I can do to make it less heartbreaking....I actually dread going back at times, not sure I will ever reach a point where I jump in the car with glee to head back to MI...it's so different now. Life was never suppose to turn out this way......all the sadness and pain...thank gosh we have such laughter and joy through Elle......I feel sad that it's not enough. It's so unfair to her.....she would have been surrounded by happiness. I hope we can still do that as best as possible. I have fears. 

Wow, we're approaching almost two years since I last saw my Mom and Dad. That last Easter 2 years ago....who would have ever imagined when I gave them that last quick hug goodbye...... I Miss you so much. 

a day at the park

Finally, a warm enough weekend where we could take Elle to the park and it was even more fun now that she is walking....

I continue to be thankful for friends in our life, like Josh, who take time out of their busy life, to spend the weekend with Elle, Teddy and I. We had a great time going out to dinner to our new favorite Mexican restaurant, having drinks on the porch, waking up in the morning and having breakfast and coffee together, getting our workout gear on and walking up to the beautiful park by our house with Elle (photo shoot as shown above), Pizza and wine night and lastly watching Elle reach for Josh as he tried to leave. She would mainly stare at him for the entire weekend but right before he had to leave she decided that he was for sure her buddy and that she too did not want him to leave.

What would we do without our friends? Many of them have become our Family. We both have such small families so friends are even more important to us and really, they always have been. But it's the ones that go through the toughest times in your life with you and are still there. And they still understand the pain and sadness you feel yet you can still laugh and enjoy fun times together...

I look at the these pictures of Elle in amazement. She has hair, she stands, and has little girl features and already such a personality! She is growing so fast and is just too cute. Her favorite new thing to do is "blowing kisses". If only Mom and Dad were here to see her...they would be just as excited as me....I love watching her grow yet I think my heart will continue to break as it happens...they were going to be here... watching Elle and Aydan. Makes me so darn sad.

yum...

A lot of people have already had the chance to see the video below but I found it so cute. Miss Elle loves eating on her own now with a spoon and while I was away this weekend, ted captured some cute moments of her taking more steps and of her eating. I laughed hysterically when I saw this little video clip as my husband put a "Thanksgiving bib" on her (hello, if you're going to video-let's stick with the Season-haha) and hearing her little noises....Enjoy watching the short clip....

I am already looking forward to Friday. I have just been really bummed in the evening the last few days just missing my Mom and Dad even more-it's the warmth and smell in the air making it worse and then I had a yucky day at work today which is very rare but.... we got some fabulous news that one of our best friends is coming to visit Friday. Josh is such a great friend. We see him more then a lot of our family and we so appreciate him taking the time out of his busy life to come down to Cincy for pizza and wine night and a day out with Ted on the golf course. We love having him here...it's a longer drive now that he has moved so we're pretty pumped. We have great friends and we all continue to make the effort to see each other. It's so important to see the people you love because wow does life go by fast and it has thrown many curve balls at us and you just never know.  

Melissa 

weekend in PA

It was hard being away from Miss Elle but a weekend with one of my best friends was sooooo nice. 

I took the day off on Friday and got to PA around lunchtime. We spent the day with her two adorable children and it was so exciting that her little girl who I had not seen since last Summer on our FL vacation, remembered me. We talked a lot over the weekend and how we have hopes of vacationing together with our families...we'd love for our kids to know each other and obviously, we would love to spend time with another. We know as they get older it will be difficult with sports and everything else but I know we will both make the effort to do something each year together. There are very few people that I can really talk to about my life, what I am going through, challenges I am currently facing, and she is one of those people. I needed to talk to a friend. She is such a good listener and is probably one of the most sensitive people I know. And lately I have just been down while dealing with some insensitivity so it was really refreshing and thoughtful. Thanks Nicky....for being such a wonderful friend and person and for having me at your home with your family. Thanks for the hospitality. I WILL be back for that cooking and baking of yours by the way! I miss Abby and Ben already. They are such good kids. Wow.

I was also so very lucky to have the chance to meet little McKenna who was only a little over a week old on Saturday. She was the tiniest thing ever and I seriously cannot believe Elle was that small last year. It was awesome to see Melissa and Nick settling into parenthood, there will be lots of fun ahead for all of us and I look forward to so many memories with them. 

I left after having a great weekend and after delayed for a little over an hour I still felt sad, even though I would be going home to see Elle Bell. I know I have this cloud hanging over me, April is coming, but it just won't go away. What if I can never get past how my Mom and Dad died? I really worry about that. No one can give me advice on that one because they haven't gone through it. I just don't know how to do it. Yes, I get their gone and we have been living on as best as we can but will I ever reach a point where I can focus on the positive and wonderful memories? I think someone will have to knock me out and have me lose my memory from 2008 before that can happen. I look at people I really admire and think at times, how they would be handling this.....maybe the same way as me....not having your parents alive to meet your children is a really sad and a difficult thing. Who knows.. I think I am handling this entire situation like most normal people would-it was tragic. .......poor Elle Bell....she could have came into this life so differently had this not happened. She wouldn't have to deal with her sappy Mom, I'd still be whistling through life. Oh well, my hopes are one day she'll understand and I just pray, pray, pray that I am here for her well past 50 years old. I will always be there for Elle and if she needs me, I am there. No questions asked, no matter how many miles are in between. I will do what my Mother would have done for me. 

I am thankful for my husband for taking care of Elle this weekend and keeping her on a great schedule and making her meals......I really wanted some time with my friends and to meet their new arrivals. Thank you. 

I need a hug, Mom. 

Off to meet new babies

OK, so now I am really leaving to visit new babies and friends.....last month my flight was cancelled but it worked out for the better as now I have 2 new babies to meet! 

I feel sad leaving Elle though. I've traveled all week for work and only really spent an hour or two with her last night and tonight. She's starting to take more and more steps each day and is loving her classroom..."she has so much personality" the teachers say......Ted has caught a cold and is slammed at work so we've been a little overwhelmed....and whenever I am overwhelmed I miss my folks even more. They would come. If I whined enough. But Ted will enjoy his weekend with miss Elle...and one of the teachers at her school is going to come play with her for a few hours on Saturday so Ted can get caught up on work. Life is busy and hectic but I always make time for friends. Always. I want to fly out and spend time with my friends and meet their new babies....I know when we first had Elle- all of the visitors we had each and every weekend meant so much. I've watched all of these years see my parents be loyal friends...a new baby, a death in the family-they were there. 

I hope I will always be just like them because I know how easy it can be to get caught up in your own life, trust me, sometimes I feel like everyday I am caught up in my own internal issues but I hope none of my relationship suffer but it's hard at times.....life is really different for us now since my parents are gone. But I am proud to say through almost two years of the sadness and pain, I continue to make time for the important things and will enjoy myself....but there are always the daily "moments" but I have almost accepted that those are now part of my life. 

All my love, 

Melissa

front door

Finally two days of sun and warmer weather...it's been so long since we've been able to have the door open, or take a walk to the square to get coffee and ice cream....

The nice weather though always, always reminds me of April 7th. It was such a beautiful Spring day so whenever the sun is really shining I can just picture my Mother enjoying her last day on earth walking Aydan up to the park or Dad raking leaves then playing his last game of catch with his Grandson before he would die. Then I picture them sitting on the porch just as I did yesterday and looking up and taking a deep breathe just happy to feel some warmth. It makes me really sad. 

Elle continues to bring us so much happiness but some sleepless nights to go along with it. I have to travel again and then will be gone this weekend too. These are weeks when I would say to my Mom and Dad, "can you please come down for a few days to help out Ted". Her ear infection is still not gone and the ped gave her a really strong shot in the butt to hopefully get this thing out of her system that's been lingering since January. And finally, those 5 teeth have come in so I just pray this getting up thing every hour or two and not really liking her crib is all just another phase....this too shall pass..

Ted's making dinner tonight and then off to the square for one more last evening together as a Family-to get more ice cream. 

I miss you more then ever Mom and Dad....Happy Spring....

a big welcome

I am very excited to announce our best pals, Melissa and Nick, welcomed their first child to the world yesterday- McKenna Leelyn. It is very exciting to have them join us as Parents and to have them relate to our experiences as first timers. We look forward to adding on to 10+ years of memories now with our children a part of them. They had a few bumps in the road with a surprise C section but they are doing well and recovering as they should. I am excited for them to be able to spend time with McKenna hopefully later today. I can't imagine if we had to go through all of those surprises and had a non-traditional labor. I would have needed my Mom even more then I did.....they are blessed to have both of their parents by their side to welcome her into the world and provide support.

I missed my parents every minute of the pre and post labor and wishing more then ever that they were there to meet her for the very first time. I can't imagine anything more special then meeting your first granddaughter. You wait for that all your life and unfortunately, Mom and Dad sadly missed it. But I have learned through my own labor and seeing friends go through all different types of labors and experiences that nothing is more important then a healthy baby. And whenever I get really down, I have to remind myself that I had that and hope one day that my faith is restored and will get past the dark sadness of the tragedy. I know I will never get over not having them in our life. That part is just not possible.

I am so looking forward more then ever to meet two of my best friends babies next weekend, little Ben and now little McKenna! It's amazing how these girls are so important to me that their children become just as important and special and I think of them all like family and only want the best for them.

Welcome to the world princess, you have many angles above looking over you as you enter this crazy, unpredictable, yet beautiful world....

Melissa