I thought with my Grandfather visiting I would feel better....maybe a little happier, a little at ease knowing I have him left-a huge piece of my Mother and Father....but yet now that he has left....I feel worse. I feel a little sadder. What the heck!
My Grandfather is exactly like my Mom and Dad- so laid back, easy, go with the flow....he is not the typical "pain in the butt" aging man. He is quite with it and is super loving and cheerful. He's sentimental too and I don't think he was always like that. He raised 5 children. He worked long hours. My Grandmother had diabetes and other issues. He worked really hard and there wasn't much money to go around as he was raising the kids. But he was always an amazing Father to my Mother and an exceptional Father-in-law-they all did so much together as if they were friends-and what an awesome Grandfather he has been. He has always, always been there and to me that is all I know. Grandparents are just there for you and they love you no matter what....I wanted Elle to have that with my Parents.
So one would think by my Grandfather and Eve visiting we would maybe play some cards, eat an early dinner and watch some TV over a little "tea". Wrong. We shopped, spent a few hours at the Cincinnati art museum-hysterically laughing at some of the nudity in several of the exhibits, lunched at the infamous Cincinnati burger joint-Zip's, and enjoyed scoops of ice cream at Greaters in Hyde Park Square. We were on the go all day.....he napped for a little while and then all of us shared a bottle of Red we purchased in Monterey, CA and enjoyed Ted's home cooked meal. He truly enjoyed watching Elle eat her big girl food and liked being in our home. I think he felt comfortable even though our hearts were heavy as we both knew who was missing and it was a constant reminder as they would never have been here without them if they were alive.
Don't ever repeat this but I took several photos down in the guestroom. I didn't want to upset him even more. He was always looking around at my photos though and last night I decided to bring out the scrapbook my Mom had made from our Family cruise.
I knew, like it has done to me several times, that it would bring some tears. And I was right....Grandpa grabbed for his tissue and as he wiped his eyes he looked at me and said, "never lose this, never get rid of this, for the rest of your life...". He glared at all of the pictures of us together with my parents-my Mom was more beautiful then ever, and smiling and happy. Who would have thought a few years later they would be killed and gone from our lives.
It's got to be so hard for a Father to accept your daughter getting murdered by his own Grandson. It's sounds so unbelievable that I find it difficult to even type......you know, I go through life and I work and I have a lot of really fun times-we are so lucky- and I so enjoy being Elle's Mommy- but everyday this hits me and I know for a fact I have such a long road of healing ahead of me. Like my Grandfather, healing may never be a possibility, but living with it is a reality and we're getting pretty good at it.
I love my Grandfather very much and I so appreciate that Eve has been in his life for 10 years and has kept him company all these years on his journeys to FL and other places. I enjoyed hearing plenty of Grandpa's stories about trips to Vegas with my Mom, her wedding day and their incredible photographer that captured every special moment and talking about all of our childhood memories at the lake and Holidays together as a Family. I was amazed at how much he still smiles and laughs when we talk about all being together and the memories we have shared. I am so sad he had to lose two of the most special people to him the way he did.
My heart was warmed while he was here and as I heard him calculate how old he would be if Elle got married in 25+ years....he said he'd be there to dance with little Elle--I got sad yet happy to hear those words. Who knows if he'll be here... I'd love it of course. My parents won't be. I'll cry...wishing they were all here...saddened they didn't get to see my beautiful daughter grow up.... I know she's only one years old but I'm amazed how quickly it went.
Although I miss him already and I still sit here missing my Family, I am thankful for the day off of work I took to spend with my Grandfather. For a moment, I almost felt like I was with Mom.....thanks Gramps. Come again....
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