stretch-o- man

Imagine just for a minute not talking or seeing your brother for almost two years.....

It's as almost if he disappeared, as if our family unit is only a distant memory being together....I have been able to block out the brother part for some time now. I'll think about what he really did, get depressed for  him, send him a little letter or card here and there, buy him some new clothes, but then I think about something else.

 I've been so focused living life without my parents, alone, I often forget we lost Justin too. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to the happy days of my childhood when we were sitting on the couch at our cabin watching Justin stretch the stretch-o-man as we all called him. I literally remember him opening that guy up at Christmas one year. We all kept screaming, "stretch-o-man, stretch-o!" I look at some of these old pictures and it's so incredibly sad yet hard to believe that this adorable little guy would one day grow up and murder his parents. It just cannot be true, can it? It's just too painful to accept. No one will ever understand unless they've been through it. I don't expect anyone to get it- but I just feel it's easy for people to think or say that it will get easier and that time will heal but I have to admit, I don't believe it. I just don't.  But of course they would say that, I would say that too to someone that was going through something that I haven't- but I do believe you can absolutely live on, well, the strong can. My Sister and I are strong- we'll live with the sadness and pain and dreadfully miss them but we'll still enjoy the heck out of life. We have too many friends and little family we cherish and want to have fantastic memories with all of them. But I will admit it's a lonely ride now but I pray they are guiding us all and continuing to give us the strength including Justin too. Sorry, but it was one of those days that was a lonely one. Thinking of our future-thinking of Elle and Aydan getting older and not having them to be proud.  My Sister had to get her wisdom teeth pulled today. Mom would have brought her over soup. I'm so bitter this evening. 

On a happy front, miss Elle is having fun as always. She loves her new room at school and is really enjoying all of her new foods. She loves scrambled eggs and really loves spinach with a little sprinkle of Parmesan cheese. I am thrilled she loves veggies. Wish she'd eat a little more fruit but she likes pears and bananas a lot and eats Apple sauce.....sippy cup is going great and for the past month she's only taking a night bottle just to catch her up on her milk ounces but I suspect we will take that away in a month or so. She doesn't really need it....but I am proud at the stage she is in right now. I really thought this would take several more months. Good job my Elle. Now we just need all of those teeth to pop through. She is heavily teething at the moment...

A long week of training and work and lots of travel ahead.....so this weekend will be a nice break spent with our neighbors over a dinner party! We have the best group of friends here and there will be some great food and wine shared together. Gramma Close is making her way down for the night on Saturday to spend with Elle so we can enjoy a night out.....fun. 

All my love, 

Melissa