dinner party

Our Cincinnati friends are awesome. We ended up having a great time at the dinner party Saturday night and already have plans for the next one in April. We almost didn't get to go though. Ted's Mom didn't end up coming down due to weather. I was so incredibly bummed thinking we couldn't go and that Elle wouldn't get to spend time with her Grandma. I once again felt alone and without help and wishing my Mom and Dad were alive to come. I never thought we would be so on our own. Reality is setting in...

I asked one of Elle's teachers late on Friday and was thrilled to find out she had Saturday evening open. She was such a sweetheart with Elle and while she only got to play with her for 30 minutes before she put her down for bed, they had a great time. It was her first evening with a babysitter and it was a success. And it was easy because we were right across the street. It was nice to be able to enjoy friends and relax for a few hours...we needed that. Ted made a fabulous homemade crab bisque for the soup course and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. Ted has become a serious gourmet chef. Jess and Eddie opened several bottles of wine that they brought back from Italy and we all shared one of our favorite wines during the course we were serving. We left right around 10:45 and sent Miss Kay home. We were so appreciative of her helping us out we paid her extra. We hope she wants to come back, yay.

I am not in the mood to travel these next few weeks.....off to our HQ office. I'm just a little down .....and then when I have to leave the family it makes it worse. Luckily when I am working I do really well and can focus on that and will enjoy catching up with some co-workers I don't get to see very often. I will miss my Elle.

Tonight I'm helping Ted put together his evite for his brother's bachelor party for this May. They are hosting it at my parents lake. I am honored. But yet it makes me sad of course as my Dad would have done anything to party with the boys and to have everyone up there together. He would get such a kick out of this. Harrison will always be a special place filled with so many memories as a child and relaxing times as an adult. And I am happy to be able to share it with others.....it truly symbolizes who my parents were and how they lived life. The more the merrier was always their motto and I so thank them for passing that thought down to me.

stretch-o- man

Imagine just for a minute not talking or seeing your brother for almost two years.....

It's as almost if he disappeared, as if our family unit is only a distant memory being together....I have been able to block out the brother part for some time now. I'll think about what he really did, get depressed for  him, send him a little letter or card here and there, buy him some new clothes, but then I think about something else.

 I've been so focused living life without my parents, alone, I often forget we lost Justin too. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to the happy days of my childhood when we were sitting on the couch at our cabin watching Justin stretch the stretch-o-man as we all called him. I literally remember him opening that guy up at Christmas one year. We all kept screaming, "stretch-o-man, stretch-o!" I look at some of these old pictures and it's so incredibly sad yet hard to believe that this adorable little guy would one day grow up and murder his parents. It just cannot be true, can it? It's just too painful to accept. No one will ever understand unless they've been through it. I don't expect anyone to get it- but I just feel it's easy for people to think or say that it will get easier and that time will heal but I have to admit, I don't believe it. I just don't.  But of course they would say that, I would say that too to someone that was going through something that I haven't- but I do believe you can absolutely live on, well, the strong can. My Sister and I are strong- we'll live with the sadness and pain and dreadfully miss them but we'll still enjoy the heck out of life. We have too many friends and little family we cherish and want to have fantastic memories with all of them. But I will admit it's a lonely ride now but I pray they are guiding us all and continuing to give us the strength including Justin too. Sorry, but it was one of those days that was a lonely one. Thinking of our future-thinking of Elle and Aydan getting older and not having them to be proud.  My Sister had to get her wisdom teeth pulled today. Mom would have brought her over soup. I'm so bitter this evening. 

On a happy front, miss Elle is having fun as always. She loves her new room at school and is really enjoying all of her new foods. She loves scrambled eggs and really loves spinach with a little sprinkle of Parmesan cheese. I am thrilled she loves veggies. Wish she'd eat a little more fruit but she likes pears and bananas a lot and eats Apple sauce.....sippy cup is going great and for the past month she's only taking a night bottle just to catch her up on her milk ounces but I suspect we will take that away in a month or so. She doesn't really need it....but I am proud at the stage she is in right now. I really thought this would take several more months. Good job my Elle. Now we just need all of those teeth to pop through. She is heavily teething at the moment...

A long week of training and work and lots of travel ahead.....so this weekend will be a nice break spent with our neighbors over a dinner party! We have the best group of friends here and there will be some great food and wine shared together. Gramma Close is making her way down for the night on Saturday to spend with Elle so we can enjoy a night out.....fun. 

All my love, 

Melissa

get in shape girl

Other than Elle going missing for 20 seconds Friday evening, we had a good, quiet weekend. With my Grandfather leaving on Friday, we wanted to just stay close to home this weekend. Not to mention Elle is teething (at last...) so staying in was a good choice. 

So back to Elle missing.....lately she has been into this one particular cupboard we do not lock up so she can pull out her bowls and cups and what not. To this point, she had never actually got into the cupboard. For a minute I was busy goofing around on my Iphone, likely texting or emailing (such an addiction and a dangerous distraction) and all of sudden I looked up and she was gone. I instantly ran over to the steps going up to the stairs, of course I had the gate up. I checked the door leading to the basement-locked. I ran in her playroom, then off to the living room...all while frantically screaming, "Ted get down here, Elle's gone! She's gone!"...my heart was racing and I heard Ted fly down the stairs and the second he entered the kitchen we both looked down where she had been playing and we saw these big blues staring up at us (from inside the cupboard) and an expression on her face like, what's your problem? Just having a little fun here. So, I grabbed my camera and took a picture. The 20 second drama was over. I can only imagine what Parents feel like when they're children really go missing. I can only imagine the frantic state. 

It has finally warmed up around here and it felt nice to get the stroller out and go for a few walks today and grab a coffee in the square. Everyone was out and it made me miss the warmer weather. It made me miss exercising. Ever since my parents died, I quit working out. Yeah so I lost the  baby weight (good genes I guess) but really have only done a lot of walking and maybe some free weights here and there......this has been a huge change for me as I have always went to the gym and I distinctly remember going the week leading up to my Parents death. Julie and I would meet for morning sessions. (Juls, I can STILL smell that sugary spray you would wear!) I just could never get myself to get back into "that" routine. It was too much time by myself to think and reflect. I couldn't do it. Even running outside with my Ipod was tough. Songs would appear that I could no longer listen to. I basically gave up something I loved to do. So today I told Ted (who goes to the gym daily) to put me on a workout program but one that I could do at home, until I can start walking/jogging with Elle again. He went out and bought me more free weights and these cool resistant bands. Let's put it this way, after 30 minutes of his exercises, it is likely I will not be walking tomorrow. Squats, lunges, abs, and several other things.....bathing suit season, here I come.....

a visit with my Gramps

I thought with my Grandfather visiting I would feel better....maybe a little happier, a little at ease knowing I have him left-a huge piece of my Mother and Father....but yet now that he has left....I feel worse. I feel a little sadder. What the heck!

My Grandfather is exactly like my Mom and Dad- so laid back, easy, go with the flow....he is not the typical "pain in the butt" aging man. He is quite with it and is super loving and cheerful. He's sentimental too and I don't think he was always like that. He raised 5 children. He worked long hours. My Grandmother had diabetes and other issues. He worked really hard and there wasn't much money to go around as he was raising the kids. But he was always an amazing Father to my Mother and an exceptional Father-in-law-they all did so much together as if they were friends-and what an awesome Grandfather he has been. He has always, always been there and to me that is all I know. Grandparents are just there for you and they love you no matter what....I wanted Elle to have that with my Parents. 

So one would think by my Grandfather and Eve visiting we would maybe play some cards, eat an early dinner and watch some TV over a little "tea". Wrong. We shopped, spent a few hours at the Cincinnati art museum-hysterically laughing at some of the nudity in several of the exhibits, lunched at the infamous Cincinnati burger joint-Zip's, and enjoyed scoops of ice cream at Greaters in Hyde Park Square. We were on the go all day.....he napped for a little while and then all of us shared a bottle of Red we purchased in Monterey, CA and enjoyed Ted's home cooked meal. He truly enjoyed watching Elle eat her big girl food and liked being in our home. I think he felt comfortable even though our hearts were heavy as we both knew who was missing and it was a constant reminder as they would never have been here without them if they were alive.

Don't ever repeat this but I took several photos down in the guestroom. I didn't want to upset him even more. He was always looking around at my photos though and last night I decided to bring out the scrapbook my Mom had made from our Family cruise.

I knew, like it has done to me several times, that it would bring some tears. And I was right....Grandpa grabbed for his tissue and as he wiped his eyes he looked at me and said, "never lose this, never get rid of this, for the rest of your life...". He glared at all of the pictures of us together with my parents-my Mom was more beautiful then ever, and smiling and happy. Who would have thought a few years later they would be killed and gone from our lives.

It's got to be so hard for a Father to accept your daughter getting murdered by his own Grandson. It's sounds so unbelievable that I find it difficult to even type......you know, I go through life and I work and I have a lot of really fun times-we are so lucky- and I so enjoy being Elle's Mommy- but everyday this hits me and I know for a fact I have such a long road of healing ahead of me. Like my Grandfather, healing may never be a possibility, but living with it is a reality and we're getting pretty good at it.

I love my Grandfather very much and I so appreciate that Eve has been in his life for 10 years and has kept him company all these years on his journeys to FL and other places. I enjoyed hearing plenty of Grandpa's stories about trips to Vegas with my Mom, her wedding day and their incredible photographer that captured every special moment and talking about all of our childhood memories at the lake and Holidays together as a Family. I was amazed at how much he still smiles and laughs when we talk about all being together and the memories we have shared. I am so sad he had to lose two of the most special people to him the way he did.

My heart was warmed while he was here and as I heard him calculate how old he would be if Elle got married in 25+ years....he said he'd be there to dance with little Elle--I got sad yet happy to hear those words. Who knows if he'll be here... I'd love it of course. My parents won't be. I'll cry...wishing they were all here...saddened they didn't get to see my beautiful daughter grow up.... I know she's only one years old but I'm amazed how quickly it went.

Although I miss him already and I still sit here missing my Family, I am thankful for the day off of work I took to spend with my Grandfather. For a moment, I almost felt like I was with Mom.....thanks Gramps. Come again....

she's moving

2 posts in one day...oh my....

Not sure why I tilted the camera toward the end and I wish when I videotaped I didn't talk as I all you hear is my high pitched "baby talk voice". Sorry....

Elle enjoys her little walker.....not walking yet, no rush on my end! But she sure is moving. 

the yummiest dinner

We decided to celebrate Valentines day last night. As I said in my post yesterday, Elle and I joined the girls for brunch while Daddy went grocery shopping to prepare for his Valentines day dinner.

He made a Mediterranean shrimp pasta which was so good and a french green salad with these bread crouton things topped with goat cheese. And of course, he baked. He made from scratch a brownie torte with homemade chocolate sauce, topped with ice cream. It was soooo yummy. I am so incredibly spoiled when it comes to food and dessert. Just like last year Daddy surprised Elle with new outfits from the Gap...a dress for Florida vacation and a cute little sweatsuit for daycare. He tricked me and handed me a gift to open and it was an outfit for Elle. Then he reached in the closet and handed me the "blue box". I am very fortunate and I know how much Elle and I are loved. Tonight we will be using the valentines day money Gramma Close sent us to purchase a heart shaped pizza. Nice and easy but still festive.......

Love always, 

Melissa

Valentines day

Wow, so hard to believe that Elle's very first Valentines day was already a year ago. 

The sun is shining today which is helping the snow start to melt. Once Elle gets up from her nap, we are meeting a few of my girlfriends and their babies for brunch at this adorable book store. I've already baked Elle's chicken and steamed her broccoli so I am hoping she'll eat with us at the restaurant. Tonight Ted is cooking a surprise meal out of our french cookbook so I am looking forward to that.......I bought this adorable new purple top and and I was putting it on this morning I immediately thought of my butterfly necklace that has my Mother's ashes in it. I barely wear it. It makes me too sad and people tend to always comment on it because it looks unique. My Sister wears hers everyday. But I have decided to be brave and put it on. It's really hard for me to wear it but I know my Mom liked this sentimental kind of stuff. It really sucks for me though. 

Happy Valentines day everyone. I have a lot of people to LOVE in my life and many people that I love and miss everyday....

single parent

I am counting down the days for when Ted will be back home. I give all single Moms- including my Sister a lot of credit. It's a lot of work to do it on your own.....cooking, cleaning, bathing, taking the dog out, packing her lunch for the next day (which isn't a P & J Sandwich....steam the vegetables, bake the chicken, boil the pasta, cut it into perfectly bite size pieces) and of course we would get a ton of snow when Ted was away which would require me to learn how to shovel and get my car out. I was thankful this morning though as Elle slept in until 7am which allowed me to get up and shower and clean my car off and get her stuff ready for daycare all before she woke up. If she could sleep like that every morning, we could get everything done and not feel so rushed.

I also had a wonderful visit yesterday from my friend Reagan and her husband Heath. She had to be in town for work and with the weather she decided to bring along her husband and dog, which we had to hide from Gracie. Don't even ask how we pulled this off. They arrived around 7pm and I think they were just as shocked as I was that I had chili waiting for them on the stove (from the girl who never cooks), with the toppings set out in little ramekins, homemade guacamole and chips and wine set out ready to be sipped. They actually liked it.....so as I was telling my girlfriend and then Ted this morning, maybe I could survive a few days without my husband. I would just prefer not to though.... Reagan always has a way to make me smile. She is such a caring and wonderful friend. I am lucky to have had her through this nightmare but then through all of the joyful things too.

My Grandfather called me yesterday and he will staying in Cincinnati for a few days next week on their way to Florida. I am so thrilled to show him our home and to spend some time with him. The last Fall my parents were alive, my Grandfather and Eve had plans to come with my parents for my fake thanksgiving gathering. We were so excited and then he got sick and they had to cancel last minute. I remember my Mom and Dad were so bummed. They were so close and my Dad and Grandfather were more friends then anything. Their relationship reminded me very much of Ted and my Dad's relationship. They picked on each other and had a great time together. I really miss seeing them laugh. I worry about my Grandfather and how he has dealt with losing my Mom and Dad. He doesn't talk about it much. I have pictures of them everywhere. I don't want to make him even more sad. Losing a child that way has got to be so painful. Just as painful as it is for me but in a different way. I hope I bring him some peace knowing that I am part of her just as he brings me peace seeing him and knowing he the closet thing I have left of my Parents. It still makes me sad every single day that they are missing all of this. Every single family event, visit and celebrations just really bum me out. I do know how proud they would be that we continue to make family and friends a priority. I was taught well.

weekend

Well, the weekend didn't exactly go as planned.....but not going to PA was probably the best decision I've made in a long time. Although, I was SO sad to not see my friend Nicky and meet BEN.

But, I have already rescheduled for a March visit and I will also very likely get to meet Mel's baby girl at the same time. PA was hit with a ton of snow, Nicky's daughter wasn't feeling well and Elle was very needy yesterday with a slight fever...teething we think. So it was a good decision that I was home for her. My brother-in-law also had to go through emergency surgery this weekend due to a ruptured intestine but we are happy to report his surgery went well.

With Elle a little off this weekend and with lots of snow on the ground, we basically stayed in all weekend other than Mexican Friday night. Ted made some great food all weekend, but I have to say this chocolate flourless cake with toasted marshmallows was my most favorite part. My Mom would be so proud...who have thought Ted would be using her spring foam pans to make amazing cakes ? 

Like I have expressed so many times throughout the past year and a half. I miss having parents. I miss that unconditional love, support and having them come down to visit. They would always make the time, all I had to do was ask and they'd come......but these are the cards I was dealt and we somehow keep on going and making it work......but it's hard to not have that support. I feel alone and I know that will never ever go away yet I still find it within me to say how lucky I was as I know there are a few people in the World that had the relationship and memories as I did with my Family but on the other hand there are also few people in the world that have lost their parents this way. But what choice do we have..what choice would anyone of us have in this situation but to keep going? 

feelings for today

I am stressed about:
1. The lake house- siding damage, getting it insured, opening it up early, being so far away from there to get anything done
2. My brother- I am always stressed about this-he moved to the honors floor within his facility

I am thrilled about:
1.Elle's progress with eating new foods and the fact that she's been sleeping so much better and is currently healthy and very HAPPY in her new room at school
2.Visiting Nicky this weekend- need a weekend with a friend although I will miss my Elle- can't wait to see her and meet baby Ben

I am sad about:
1. We're approaching the two year mark of my parents death, I can feel the weight coming on. It's 2 months away...then Mom's bday, Mother's day, the cycle begins...
2. I wish the Nursing school wait list wasn't over a year long. My Sister is sooo ready
3. My Grandfather's house has sold. My Dad grew up in that house and all of my childhood homes and traditions are turning into distant memories

I am getting excited about:
1. My Grandfather is visiting me on his way to Florida
2. The upcoming FL vacation/wedding with family
3. The upcoming birth of Mel and Nick's baby
4. Erich and Carolyn's Cinci visit from Paris for our friends wedding
5. My friend Julie's bach party in Chicago
6. A summer girls weekend with friends and our babies
7. maybe Greece?

ladybug party #2

Elle is one lucky girl........we celebrated her 1st birthday one last time with some of our family and friends in MI. The ladybug theme was carried on to this party as well and the details and cake were just as adorable and special as the first celebration. Ted's parents did a great job and we are thankful for their continued support. They continue to do the job of two sets of grandparents and I know my parents continue to look down and are thankful they are taking care of us. It still breaks my heart daily that they are missing these special occasions. What fun we'd all have together. I can almost picture Mom holding Elle and Dad putting together her new toys as he would do for Aydan at his birthdays and Holidays. I will say this until the day I die, although it won't change a thing, but I sit at these events while able to still have a good time, still in shock they're missing. What could possibly ever change these feelings I ask myself?

I hope Elle looks back at these pictures and know how much she is loved and again, know that our family knew how to put on a special occasion. Ted's Mom made adorable ladybug bookmarks as favors for the guests, family and friends sipped on ladybug punch, enjoyed traditional Polish food and of course enjoyed a slice of what has now become the go to cake place-Mrs. Maddox- cake and adorably decorated ladybug sugar cookies. Friends and family were once again incredibly generous to Elle and she now has a new Spring/Summer wardrobe and plenty of toys and things to keep her busy in the new year.

Elle has been doing great since my last post....she is sleeping through the night again and I hope that continues this week as Ted and I are both traveling on and off. She continues to try new foods, she enjoyed blueberry pancakes this weekend but still is not loving the sippy cup. She'll learn. I am just thrilled we have such a happy girl. She pretty much went to everyone at the party, never fussed once, she had a blast with her third piece of birthday cake since turning one but this time she really got the hang of it. She was quite the mess by the end of it as I eagerly stood to the side of her highchair with a wet paper towel. Anxiety...I know. But, they do come clean pretty quickly.

As I type this entry I am actually 30,000 feet in the air on my way to Portland, OR.....it will be a tiring trip as I am turning back around first thing tomorrow morning. Yuck. Then I await for an exciting weekend that is approaching...I am catching a flight to Philly to stay with one of my best girlfriends- Nicky to meet her newest addition and to enjoy some friend time. When you go through the worst time in your life you remember the people that were there for you but not just during the darkest most tragic moments (when it first happened, the funeral, and months after) ~it's now too. It's knowing I can call her up and chat about our babies, get great advice from her and to also be able to share with her my struggles and sadness about my Family and having that person to lean on although she is miles and miles away. I flew out to visit Nicky two years ago this same month to meet her first child and it was literally 3 weeks before my Parents were killed. Life was so different back then but I am happy to know that some things haven't changed- friendship....

I think Elle Bell will stay with Daddy. As much as I want to bring her since she is in such a good stage for traveling, I want to keep her healthy if I can even though daycare is likely worse off then the airplane when it comes to germs.

goodbye from up above (literally),

Melissa