tired

This week has been long.....not quite sure what it is.....I'm tired though and I'm normally not... but lack of "good sleep" is starting to catch up. 

Elle has been a really good sleeper over the past several months but with her getting sick right at the end Christmas break, put her back into sleeping upright once she would awake uncomfortably... Doctor agreed this was the best thing to do with two ear infections and congestion, but now even though she's better, she is now awaking in the middle of the night. And for a few weeks she has not been going back down in her crib once she is up-she goes down great at 8pm, its just when she awakes. We've tried a few methods, the crying it out method...painful but we tried. Once an hour hit, I was in there to rescue her. Her ears still could be bugging her so into the car seat she goes. Last night was the first night she let me just go in there, play with her hair softly until she fell back asleep, and then leave and didn't wake up until 6:45 am. So, with how successful last night went,  I am praying the trend continues.  Elle continues to get better each day with table food; one day she will scarf down turkey meatballs, vegetables, fruit and the next day she won't touch a thing. It's a work in progress. The sippy cup and ensuring she's getting the milk is the biggest challenge. But in her new school room the babies are up to 18 months and they all are supplemented with a bottle. I found this so strange but in talking with the teachers, the other young parents must have concerns as well. These little tikes are such light eaters and drinkers, they too want to know their children are getting the little extra boost of nutrition. We'll keep working at it but I am not going to beat myself up about her having a few bottles a day while she learns all these new ways of eating and drinking. Her getting enough nutrition is my main concern. She loves her new room though. I was hesitant-they're big kids! They sit at the table and eat real food and drink their milk and go to the "gym". But when I peaked in the door tonight to pick her up, she was loving it. She was doing what they were doing and she looked happy. She'll be fine. 

I attended a really good breakfast meeting this morning.....I sit on a regional committee for the network of executive women-women in the Consumer products industry in Cincinnati- we get together quarterly to plan our next networking event and to build relationships within our intimate committee group and to take time to enhance our skills. We talked a lot about Strength finders. Focusing on your strengths and what you're really good at. Be the go-to person for "something". That is going to be my focus for the next several months (among other things, ha) from a personal and career perspective- to really focus and identify what those strengths are. Of course I know what a few of them are through my various jobs, performance reviews, promotions, etc.. but I want to make sure I am truly doing what I am best at so I can continue enjoying my job. Because that is the ONLY way I will continue to send my child to daycare and be apart from her for the entire day- I have to love what I do and have passion for it. Otherwise, it's just not worth  it and I'm very lucky to say that I currently really enjoy what I do. I love this industry. It's not fashion or high tech but it's amazing all of the research, analysis, studies, financials and smarts it takes to do business in this crazy Consumer products world.  I think  Mom still thought I hung out in Grocery stores all day and played with my product on the shelf. 

I think Mom and Dad would be proud that I like my work. In Dad's generation, you went to work to provide for your Family. While he made lifelong friendships and got to work with his brother for many, many years, I wouldn't say he "loved" working for Ford for 35+ years. As sad as it makes me that he never got to truly enjoy retirement, what so many of their lifelong friends are up in Harrison doing right this very moment-well, most of them are in AZ or FL for winter, but, thank god he got at least a year. A care free year of sitting on the porch, having a drink, playing pool, riding his bike, visiting a friend, jumping on a plane to visit his brother in Florida, mow his Father's lawn in the middle of the day, played ball with his Grandson, drove down to Cincinnati on a Thursday to "hang" with us, 2pm naps, dinner made by 4.......I know he had some fun. But, it wasn't enough time. He deserved so much more.....

I love you, Dad. I never told you enough- thanks for working so hard all of your life to provide for us kids. I hope Christina and I can continue to make you proud.  I'm so sorry about Justin. Can't believe it, Dad. 

ladybug party

Elle's party was a great success. It was perfectly pink and adorable with the ladybug theme.........the cake was really pretty and delicious............Elle was really happy and looked adorable in her birthday dress that my girlfriend sent her.

Our friends showed up and sipped on pink lemonade and enjoyed Jimmy John subs, our favorite sub place from College. We all gathered in the birthday room (our converted dining room) to sing Happy Birthday to her. The three of us made a wish and blew out her one candle and Ted helped cut the cake and served everyone a scoop of the classic ice cream flavor of my childhood-Neapolitan. She took a few bites of her personalized ladybug cupcake, and then moved on to gift opening. Our friends and my Sister were so generous. Toys, adorable clothes, Elle's very first tea set, and books to mention a few of the lovely things she received. Before everyone departed we handed the little kids little ladybug favors with little treats in them as a litle thank you for coming. As I've said before, I am so thankful for the people we have met in Cincinnati. It makes me not want to move. It would be hard to start over with people that don't know the history of my family. This group of friends know why my Sister was the only family member to attend Elle's party. I would hate for people to not know and to not understand.

It was fun and special but I feel like a broken record when I say this, but these events are wonderful for Elle, but sad for me. The two people that I wanted to make proud, that I wanted to help cut the cake, that I wanted to help take the pictures- weren't there and they'll never be here. There's not an event that I won't wish they were here. I wanted my Mom to help me clean up after everyone had left. Thank gosh my Sister was there and it was great to spend time with Aydan too. Although, he is not the biggest Aunt Missy fan these days. He is a little obsessed with Uncle Ted at the moment. Girls are boring according to him. It's adorable to see the way he looks up to Ted. My parents would be so proud of him and how much he has grown up. He's going to be okay but I am so sad he doesn't have my parents as Grandparents anymore. I look at how much Grandchildren mean to other Grandparents and it's heartbreaking my Parents missed out on all of this. The fun stuff......

Elle had a great year. I look back on the adventures we have taken her on, road trips, the lake, lots of weekends in MI, her first beach vacation in the Florida keys, time spent with her Grandparents as Ted and I enjoyed Paris and Ireland, and much more. We have been fortunate and I do look forward to the continued joy and memories we will experience with Elle. She was the perfect birthday girl and I just love to entertain and I can't wait to do it again. I love details even if I'm the only person that notices them. While I don't attempt to cook or make anything that fabulous, I think Elle will look back at pictures and know that I put a lot of time and effort into her birthday parties and will notice the little things I did to make her event special. She will likely say, "my Mother couldn't cook a thing but boy she could throw a lovely party". Funny thing is, if I tried, I know I could cook. It's in my genes. I just don't enjoy it. I like to bake sometimes. I can make some things but I have found my Sister is the master of this and I truly believe my Mother passed on that gift to her. Just like that-she could replicate her cheesecakes. I'll stick with making things pretty and special for now.

visit

I had a thought yesterday, just for a moment, that I would visit my brother this year.

I pictured walking in and seeing him. No one could ever imagine facing something like this. It was my brother who ended my parents life. It's just so crazy. I am so afraid to face him because it will make everything even more surreal and it will face me with such reality and certainty when I see him that my baby brother really did this. I can't even imagine doing it. I picture myself nearly fainting and my heart pounding a million beats per minute. It's heartbreaking to me that it has been a year and a 1/2 since I have seen my brother. Almost 2 years this April.

Imagine seeing your sibling every time you went home and then boom, your parents are gone and then you also haven't seen one of your siblings either-it's really tough. He is always in the back of my mind. We are trying to heal and deal with the loss of our parents but I don't think anyone has faced or accepted my brother's situation. It's too hard for us so we ignore it. I know my Family feels badly about their distance. No one knows how to handle this. I know how much my Mother loved my brother and I wish she would tell us what she wanted us to do. No one raises a child thinking one day they could end your life. But it happened. My Mother's once sweet, innocent child ended her life. It would all hit me at once that HE really did this when seeing him. I would start picturing things. He knows everything. He was there. He saw my Mother, he may have looked her in the eye. Those details kill me. I am not sure out of anyone I know could handle knowing if there parents were killed this way? Sometimes I wish I would have memory loss but then of course I would never want to forget the 28 years of good memories, but it's so hard to focus on the good times when the end was so terribly bad that it is impossible to move on, forget or re-focus your thoughts.

For now, I will continue to send him a card here and there and we will get him anything he needs but I cannot commit to a visit yet, but one day I know I will do it. I don't want to have additional regrets. I hope he knows how much we care and how sorry we are that he too has to face this daily. This has truly been the unthinkable. I picture Easter of 2008. Yelling down to the basement for my brother to come as I had brought over his Easter basket.

Wow, I wish I could have known that would be the LAST time I would spend time with my Mom, Dad and Justin together as a Family. I was so casual as I said goodbye and headed back to Cincinnati. Mom and Dad would be coming down to Cincinnati for Mom's Birthday in April Dad said. I would see them then...so I thought. I am telling you, anything is possible in life and it's so sad to think that tomorrow someone else could be taken away that quickly. Never thought it would happen to me. The famous words.....

Check back next week for photos of Miss Elle's ladybug party on Saturday. Ted and I are thrilled to throw our daughter's 1st birthday celebration. I am thankful my Sister is coming down to help and to have some family representation. We are lucky to have friends in our life in Cincinnati to help celebrate with. We head to MI the following weekend to celebrate more with additional family and friends....Elle is a very special little girl and she is loved by many.

Happy 1st Birthday, Elle

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ELLE PATRICIA...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOO YOUUUUUUU!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL GIFT YOU HAVE GIVEN US.

I PRAY ELLE CONTINUES TO BE HEALTHY AND STRONG AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, KNOW HOW MUCH SHE IS LOVED BY US ALL.

KEEP WATCHING OVER HER WILL YOU?

sharks...

Miss Elle enjoyed her first ever aquarium experience with Daddy and I and her friend Trey! 

I remembered walking through with my Mom and watching Matt carry Aydan on his shoulders and us trying to capture some pictures of the sharks and penguins. 

Elle enjoyed looking at the fish and shark but more so starring at other kids. She loves people watching. Hmm-wonder where she gets that from? Sadly, though, we think her ear infection never went away...the tubes are working as the ear is draining but we think it's still around as she is getting up at night and it just looks nasty. She has to go back to the Doctors tomorrow so that means another day off for me....yep, another vacation day wasted on sickness.  Ugh, I would have much rather taken Tuesday off for her Birthday.  This is another example of why I need a Grandmother type around here. We are alone and have no options but ourselves. My Sister is scrambling today too. Tomorrow Aydan's school is closed. My Sister doesn't have any options either. Mom would be right there. It's hard. I feel for her. Not sure what she'll do....I wish I could help. 

Well, we are starting the countdown to Miss Elle's first birthday. We are still in awe that a year has flown by. It's heartbreaking to not have shared these memories with the both of you. It's simply heartbreaking.....

play date

Elle had a little play date this afternoon with her friend Maxton. They know each other quite well as she spent a few weeks at their home when I first went back to work.... Okay, so she likely doesn't remember that but anyways, she enjoyed her time playing in their fun basement with all sorts of new and 

exciting toys! 

       Maxton is only a month older then Elle so Tiffany-Maxton's Mom is a great resource. She made me feel so much better about feeding Elle-we were going through her freezer and fridge and she was giving me ideas. I was so under the impression that once she turned one that the bottle was gone instantly and she was on all table food. Wrong. They didn't have him on any table food but cheerios until his one year visit. Now, a month later, he is eating everything. Elle's visit is next Friday, I will feel better talking to the Doc... Elle is actually doing pretty well on food so we're moving in the right direction and the little gal only has two teeth. I am going to continue to supplement with a bottle for a few more weeks- as she is still sucking them down so I know she is not getting enough through a handful of peas. But she is starting to chew much better and has enjoyed new things like organic graham crackers, and cheese. Organic? This kid is eating better then me. And the sippy cup is going better. She'll take a few sips here and there so I am hopeful in the next month I can get her converted. Ted's Aunt also gave me some great tips, I refer to her emails often. And Miss Elle is done with the pacifier. I try to give it to her before bed or in the car and she instantly throws it out. OK, well, that was easy. Done with the pacifier. 

This evening we took Elle and met our friends Todd and Sarah for Mediterranean Food. Other then spilled cheerios, rice, paper and anything else Elle was holding on to, around the floor, she did very well. We were smart and already had her in her pj's so we could at least stretch dinner with our friends till 7:30. Just when the bill came she started to fuss a little- but we were ready to go. We have a good system down and I'm happy we've continued to take her out with us as she is getting used to it and enjoys being with people. 

Tomorrow, Ted and I are taking Elle to the aquarium for an early birthday celebration. We're going along with Elle's buddy Trey and our neighbors. I love that we have great friends surrounding us to do things. Eases the pain a little from having no Family around us.  The last time I was at this aquarium, I was with my Mom. My Sister, Matt, Mom and I took Aydan. Dad and Ted left us and went to the bar. I believe they enjoyed hooters. They claim for beer and the wings only....I miss having them around...they would come down here on the weekends for no reason at all. 

Miss Elle has presents arriving left and right and two birthday parties over the next two weekends to attend..... Her 1st birthday will sure be one to remember. 

thanks for thinking of me

I received one of the nicest text messages today but it was heartbreaking at the same time for me. One of my girlfriends thought of me twice today, one was due to hearing the song Sweet Melissa, which everyone knows was one of my Dad's favorites and the song that we danced to at my wedding. I'd like to think it was one of his proudest moments. Secondly was when she said goodbye to her Parents today. They were visiting for a month and as she shed tears saying goodbye, and most of them, she said, was due to thinking of me and my Parents. It was so sweet of her to think of them and how she knows how much I would give to be able to spend a month with them. I don't have those options anymore....

People have to go back to living their lives, no matter how tragic something is, of course and cannot always think of my Family and I. I don't want that but I gotta tell you how good it feels that people recognize how difficult this really is. They won't ever understand the magnitude of the pain and sadness and learning how to cope with such a thing, but when just for a moment, they think of me and how much it would hurt if they didn't have their Parents alive to share their life with. It's a nightmare actually but I am learning to just live with it. Not saying it's getting any better at all as I miss them almost more and more every day, but you learn to keep going with the sadness. Some days are better then others. My Aunt and I were emailing......and both agreeing that some days you start "thinking" and you just sit there, almost in a zone, almost crippled, with such a heavy heart and you are so overwhelmed with the sadness and missing them--you can't even move. Then you get up and go...

Thank you for thinking of me today, friend. It means a lot that you recognize this great difficulty and that you appreciate even more now, the time spent with your own Parents. I'd give anything to do the same. I wish I learned earlier how precious each day really was. But I do feel my time was well spent. I cherish the big memories but some days, I cherish the smallest things, like leaving my Parents goofy, long voicemail messages or calling my Mother and changing my voice pretending to be someone else. I miss my Mother's giggle and my Father's annoyance when I would call as he was burning his hands trying to cook and talk on the phone at the same time.


Missing you always Mom and Dad,
Melissa

strange

These dreams and nightmares I continue to have are just scary for me. Last night, I was with my Family, there was a basement which was where Justin was placed, it was like a jail, and he walked up the stairs with a guard and I walked over and I met with him. I hugged him, his eyes were watery. It was the strangest thing because my Parents were there. They were watching me talk to Justin. He looked devastated and lonely and bored at this new place. Then I walked down these stairs and saw a bit of the facility. It was very plain, wet and pretty dirty. It made me sad he was at a place like that-I know in reality-where he is placed-is not like this. But then my heart started racing as I got scared and started running back up the stairs and could feel he was running up toward me, then all of sudden I shut the door behind me, let out a big sigh of relief and I was in my Grandfather's kitchen in Wyandotte, who passed away in October, and everyone was there. My Mom and Dad were there, Elle was there. My Mom was holding Elle. Even my Grandmother and Grandfather were there- everybody that has died. But the entire time I knew everything, what had really happened-that they were all truly gone in reality. But they were all there alive in this dream of mine.

Then after Elle woke me up and after falling back asleep, I had another dream. Before going to bed, for some reason I was thinking about our family canoe trips as a child. I remember watching my Dad and Brother fall over one time and the canoe got caught under a tree. Justin was stuck on a large rock as my Dad tried to get the canoe from being stuck. He was successful, Justin jumped back into the canoe and they were fine-just a little wet. Christina, Mom and I watched this all happen but they were okay and we went on our way. SO my dream last night had canoes in them....all of a sudden, Ted, Elle and I are in a canoe and the current was getting really strong. It tipped over and the force was bringing me under. Elle was holding onto a tree all of a sudden. It was the weirdest thing-she's a baby, how was she holding onto a tree?.... And then all of a sudden I am staring at the bottom of this lake or river and I see my I-phone, with the exact case I have right now. I was trying SO hard to grab it. I was obsessed with this darn I-phone, apparently not my child who was hanging on a tree-yes, this is strange. I literally felt myself go under water but then the current started to pull me so I came up and screamed that I couldn't get the phone. Then, Elle woke me up again-must be teething-not a great night for sleep.

These dreams with my Parents and these strange connections are so vivid to me. I remember every detail. I wish I would have one of those dreams where my Parents would tell me they're okay, that they're happy and that while they miss us so much, they aren't missing out because they can see us. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I know my Mother well and my Mother would be devastated to not be here with us right now. That's the truth. If she knows what happened and all that she is missing out on, she is devastated. Who would want to be missing this? I know she wasn't ready to go. If you told me at the age of 50 I would be gone and would miss out on Elle and seeing her start a Family, and the joys of retirement- that would kill me. These are the thoughts I have on my mind constantly-they would want to be here-I won't get past how they died and how they left my family.

I always try to end with a happy note no matter how these moments may bring sadness to me every day..... I ordered Elle's 1st birthday cake from this amazing French bakery here in Cincinnati today--this is getting scary--"she's almost one"! They make beautiful cakes. Her theme this year is "Ladybugs", she is most definitely our beautiful bug........

almost a year old

 It's hard to believe then in a little over a week, Miss Elle will already be turning a year old.

I cannot believe a year already went by. It seems like yesterday that Ted and I were in the hospital, scared out of our mind, trying to figure out how to feed this child. Funny thing is, we're still figuring that out. I think the whole feeding thing will continue to be challenging. You always question if they're getting enough. I really enjoyed breastfeeding, but when I was finished after 4 months, I actually loved formula feeding because I knew how many ounces she was getting. Then when solid food comes into the picture, you can see how much she is eating. But then you're concerned if you're giving her the right foods, the best foods, etc. We've stuck to Organic and now we are easing our way on to table foods. Sooo challenging. Milk is so much easier and some pureed vegetables. Tonight we are trying Avocados smashed and mango chicken quesadillas-sp? on whole wheat tortillas. We'll see how she does. I just need to start trying things and get over this fear of choking. 

And cow's milk in another week or two, yikes! She loves her warm bottles! It will always be something. 

I'm proud of us. For her first year, we did okay. We had too. We got very lucky and had Ted's Mom watch her for a month when I went back to work and a week or two here and there, but for the most part, we've been figuring it out on our own. Not the way that I had ever planned or hoped. Always thought Mom would help lead the way. I  miss her every day and I still have to pinch myself when I realize she never got to see me as a Mother. It would have been her greatest joy. It just kills me. I am thankful for my girlfriends and other Family that have lended an ear, a word of advice and some encourgement when needed. Sadly, no advice is like your Mother's. Though, I know I would have roller my eyes at half the stuff she would have told me I should be doing. But I missed out on this and for that I remain bummed. She'd be so proud. 

This weekend we were home at last. Dinner with friends on Friday, we finally have a Mexican restaurant in our neighborhood. Saturday, Ted went to the Bengals playoff game. Sadly they're already out. Elle and I walked across the street and watched the game with 2 of my girlfriends and their babies. Elle had a great time with her little buddies. She is officially a mover-not walking yet, just standing up against everything. The days of relaxing, sipping wine while chatting with the girls are over. Someone was always getting up to grab something away, make sure they were "sharing" or preventing one of them from a fall, etc. I love having Mommies and children to hang out with especially when we don't have any family around or our friends that have been our friends for years near us.  I could call Cincinnati home for a while but we shall see....

another goodbye

Saturday I visited my Grandfather's home for probably the last time. For nearly 30 years, I have walked through the doors of this home to be greeted by my Grandfather and until my Grandmother passed, she, though crippled, always had a warm smile on her face. She had great, loyal kids. My Dad was a great Son to her. Yeah, he was likely a pain in the butt, but when I look back at my childhood and how he and my Uncle would lift her when needed and help get her get in and out of the house in the wheelchair, etc. I only wish I recognized all of this years ago. Now that my Parents and Grandparents are gone, except for my one Grandfather, you really start reflecting and realize things. Yes there are wonderful memories and I know they know I loved them all dearly, but there are regrets. I often feel like I didn't do or say enough. And I only had one chance, now they're all gone, together at least, but it's too late. I pray they can hear me now. It's very difficult to accept all of this and frankly, as I walked out my Grandfather's house Saturday after grabbing one of his prized possessions- "a puzzle", some old cookie cutters of my Grandmothers, and a box of my Father's things from his childhood, I said to myself how sick I was of shutting yet another door on my childhood. Another empty house-I was angry again.

Another generation gone and more loneliness for my family and I. It has been heart wrenching facing my new life without my Parents, and to have looked back on that month after they died. Should I have gone through all of their things? Did too much stuff get thrown away? I couldn't do it though. Even going through some of Grandfather's things was difficult. I didn't want to stay for long. I sifted through a couple of boxes, but none of this "stuff" will ever replace having him/or my folks physically here. As I was leaving, I thought of my Mom and Dad and how they would be dealing with the death of Grandpa and handling his house and his things and how my Dad was not good with facing death. I would be worried about him. But I am thankful that my Grandparents died pretty naturally and at a good age excluding my Mom's Mom who also died in her early 50's, my parents on the other hand was on such the other end of the spectrum is what causes this great difficulty. They were suppose to be here for many, many more years. I have said goodbye to two of the most important homes in my life, where so many memories were made; my childhood home and my Grandparents home. I was not ready to do all of this. I think back to early 2008 and if you would have told me all of this was going to happen and this is how my life would be at the age of 30, I would have never in a million years believed you.

Before leaving I did want to take a picture of my Father's childhood bedroom. I think I am going to be taking a bookcase from here. It's been in the family. It's old, they stored their books on there, likely all of my Aunts books. I have a feeling my Dad wasn't a huge reader throughout his childhood and teenage years. I am very much like my Father, great street smarts. But he did okay just as I am doing okay. Humor took us places and I am perfectly content with that. Class clowns but a C in Math.

As we start a new year, while I keep saying this is the year of peace and hope and moving toward acceptance, I am not totally sold on it yet. I don't want to set my expectations too high. I feel like there is still so much to deal with. I had another terrible nightmare Monday night involving Justin, guns, killings, another scary one....when will these ever go away? Because of the way my Parents died, these terrible thoughts could last a lifetime..and come and go.

On a brighter note, I get to start planning my Daughter's first birthday party. Yay. No farm animals but it will surely be a festive event. And she is OKAY..getting better......Sunday we visited the ER in MI and we were back last night in Cincinnati. Children's hospital of Cincinnati is an amazing place. There are really sick kids there. She had a chest x ray since she was so congested and they found another ear infection. Rats. But it is draining so the tubes are doing something. I hate seeing her uncomfortable and get especially nervous when anything is impacting her breathing and eating-we actually panicked. Daddy is staying home with her today and she has started another antibiotic. Working parents.....it's challenging but we somehow always manage to make it work. I'm proud that we are doing this on our own. Although, a Gramma down the street sure would be nice right about now.