too young to leave

Wow, Michael Jackson was laid to rest today. I can't say I was a huge fan of the man, but I definitely enjoyed and loved his music throughout my life thus far. He was an icon and throughout the globe, people are grieving. I feel for his children and while they are much younger, I know the pain that entire family is experiencing right now. It's really unexplainable but it really will not hit them for a few more weeks.  I felt for his little daughter who spoke very briefly and said what a great Dad he was and how much she loved him. I just wanted to hug her. Just like people wanted to hug my Sister and I as we made our way back to our seats, passing by the two caskets, after I gave the eulogy for my Mom and Dad. Poor kids, I feel for them. Everyone needs and deserves parents. 

No matter what type of loss it is, losing someone sucks but when they die suddenly or tragically, it's just that much worse. It seems as though his death may have been self inflicted if in fact he was on all of these drugs/medications. He was my Mom and Dad's age. 50 years old is way too young to die regardless if you're the largest pop icon in the World or two wonderful middle class high school sweethearts who loved to have fun and loved their family and cherished their friendships. 50 is just too young. 

Even when celebrities die, I relate everything back to my nightmare. It's sort of impossible not to. Hearing the 911 call from Jackson's home on the news, which I rarely watch.... but we were in FL when this happened, made me think of the 911 call my brother had to make. I never did listen to it but I do know most of what he said. "I killed my parents" was his first words, little did he know my Mother was still alive, well for an hour anyway.....that will forever remain the hardest part for me. Although that "dream" did help, I need to continue believing it. 

 Justin was not Justin that day and he took away the two most important people to both him and my Sister and I. But on that day, he believed something so far from reality. I think of Justin often, my brother. I think of what he is doing and how he is feeling but mostly about him one day getting out. Some days I forget my brother did such a thing and I only miss my Mom and Dad but then other days it will hit me, wow...my brother is also gone, for now at least. 

My family and I were looking through my Mom's family albums up at the lake this weekend. We came across many pictures of Justin. He was adorable and just like us. It's hard to see those pictures of him as an innocent child being held by my Mom or Dad, in a sports team photo or all dressed up at Halloween. It's hard to believe it ended this way.

On to little Miss Elle......she has had a rough two weeks, but she continues to smile. Poor thing is finally getting over her ear infection.....

I want my healthy Elle Bell back that I had for 5 full months......it's hard to believe she is almost 1/2 of a year old! (would planning her 1st birthday party yet be a little too soon and outrageous? I think not. ) 

I have formed a Mom's club and I am hosting my very first gathering this Thursday at my house. "ladybugs" is the club name and while our group is rather small, we are all working Mother's with a lot of questions. I look forward to having another avenue of support. Up until Elle got sick, we were soooo laid back. I didn't do a lick of research (just emailed friends and family with a few questions here and there) and just went with the flow. Now I have been forced to research fevers, ear infections, diarrhea, diaper rash, dehydration.........and solids come in a few weeks...........get the video camera ready for that. Oh the video camera......my Mom borrowed ours for the 1st year of Aydan's life, their video camera retired after 15 years of taping us kids. I've watched some of the video a few months after my Mom died. She was so sweet..videotaping Aydan's every move all the way up to his 1st birthday. Aydan already remembers everything about his Gramma and Papa, but I can only imagine how special he will think these videos are one day. To know how much my Mom and Dad loved him. But it saddens me greatly, he deserved a life filled with unconditional love from Grandparents. That really bums me out and I get increasingly bummed knowing Elle will never really know them, of course she will through me but she will never truly know them or understand fully..........I'll do my best and god knows we have the pictures and memories and they are living through all of us. We'll do our best to keep their spirit and traditions alive, we have to.