Wednesday, February 4, 2009

10 months

It's hard to believe here we are into February already. 10 months have passed by since Mom and Dad died and in 2 short months, it will already be a year. I dread that day. I can already picture exactly what I was doing that day when I first found out. I had just gotten back from a mid day ice cream run with the office. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful April day, unseasonably warm. Then bam, with one phone call...my life was changed forever.

They have missed so much over the past 10 months, our 5 year anniversary, Aydan's 5th birthday.....the announcement that I was expecting (although had they been alive, who knows if I would have Elle right now, which is a strange thought), the baby shower, Thanksgiving and then of course, Christmas. All of these events were not the same without them and they were sorely missed for each and every one of them. I cannot fully explain what it's like these days without them. It's a constant sadness that they're not here but mainly for me, a sense of loneliness. I know longer have "that person" to call for everything and anything and really, for nothing at all. Mom was the best, always had an ear to lend for my complaining. I feel badly looking back that I never stopped and asked her how she was doing. But I know that is what Motherhood is all about. Once they're born, it's never about YOU anymore.
Seeing how much Ted and I love Elle already, I think I finally understand how much my parents loved us and no matter what we did, the unconditional love they had for us is what parenthood is really all about.
Her voice, smiles and laughter are missed so terribly and my Dad's smart ass remarks have left me wanting to hear them one last time.

I feel most sad for my Sister and Aydan. Christina isn't married, she doesn't have an entire family of her own yet. I know how lost she must feel. She will come out of this a stronger individual but the road thus far has been a challenge. I'm still amazed at her capacity in which she is able to handle. The house, the details, seeing Mom, court, Justin..........all must heavily weigh on her. And to this day, I still don't ask many questions. I cannot come to terms with the truth, whatever the truth is, maybe I already know it and I twist things up in my head that our worse then what actually happened. I must believe for myself that she was in no pain and in shock and never fully realized what really happened. If she knew Justin did this and that her girls would be left alone, breaks my heart entirely.

Motherhood has been going really well Mom and Dad. You would be proud of me- breastfeeding is going great and I'm even changing dirty diapers, a ton of them.......I could use some more sleep as Elle is still a day sleeper, but those few hours I am getting allow me to function. It's crazy how your body adjusts as I used to need 8 hours minimum to function properly at work. We are still snowed in pretty much so I am really looking forward to getting outside with her, hopefully this weekend will be her first walk. I am craving exercise and I cannot wait to get back into it. I already have our walk mapped out for March for every day...and it leads to a Starbucks. I wish so badly you were here to meet and hold her and most of all to be able to visit us. You're missed constantly.

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