outside

Fresh air does everybody some good. Elle and I were able to go on a long walk today due to the recent change in weather. 61 degrees in Cincinnati today. You can almost smell Spring in the air. While I cannot wait for it to be Spring, I'm also scared for it to arrive. The change in weather, the Spring scent in the air, instantly brings me back to the day that I found out. That day now has a certain smell to it. I know that sounds strange but it really does. It was a warm, Sunny, beautiful day that turned out to be the worst day of my life. 

Elle has really switched a lot of my broken heart sadness to such positive thoughts and the hope for a bright, wonderful future. But nothing will ever be the same. Every day no matter how wonderful it is, I always say how I wish they were here. They want to meet her too. 

I've been so lucky to not suffer from post partum depression. I was nervous about that, especially with everything that happened and missing my Parents so badly, I figured with how overwhelming a baby would be, I was a sure candidate. But to my surprise, I am going on quite nicely. Sure, there are always days of anger and sadness and being generally bummed but I've been really lucky to have an awesome support group of loving family and friends. They really care and have not stopped spoiling ELLE! The UPS guy must wonder who the heck is this Elle chick that continues to get cute packages?!! 

Staying home has been great, but I will admit of boredom. I am used to a schedule, working out and being challenged at work. I miss work but I know April 13th will be here before I know it so I am trying to enjoy every minute with Elle as you can never get this time back ever again..........it's really amazing to have your own child because I really do understand the love my Mother had for me now. 

Little princess

Ted and I recently took Elle to get her newborn pictures taken. Kim Sparks photography was quite an amazing place. We had  a completely private session....I was able to breastfeed when she was hungry and we could really take our time and never felt rushed. Kim posted the following pictures on her blog so I wanted to also share them with all of you. I am just thrilled we even have 2 good shots as you never know with a newborn! 

Mom would love these........I hope  you all do too. 

Saturday morning pics

A bath given by Mom and Dad........and Mommy and Elle hanging out after a trip to the bookstore. Books purchased: French for dummies (hey I'm going to Paris now, I need to know how to order a latte!) and I hope they serve beer in hell (I know...terrible title, but this book looks hilarious and thought it would be a fun read for Ted). 

It's a rainy, cold day in Cincinnati so we are stuck inside....again. But, we have plans to take Elle to our friends house for dinner tonight. 

I'm so excited, my Sister had a great "date night" with Matt last night. They went to a work party and he was able to meet all of the Doctors and Nurses she works with and then they headed downtown Ann Arbor for a fun dinner. I'm so happy she's happy......

Girl Scout cookies

So, this morning I threw out what was left of Ted's Mom's Oatmeal cookie bars. Today I was done with cookies. I can start working out again very soon so I wanted to slowly wean myself off cookies and dessert. Then today my lovely co-worker visited and brought Elle an adorable Summer dress, along with my 5, yes 5, boxes of girl scout cookies I had ordered from a co-workers daughter--I forgot about them. What timing-huh? Are you kidding me, as if I could pass up girl scout cookies. The second she left, I ripped opened the "thin mints" and quickly ate 10 of them. I have no control with cookies......so needless to say, this 10 pounds is going to take longer then I would like, but it's my fault and it doesn't help that the weather went back to freezing....

I was a daisy, brownie and a Girl Scout of course. Mom was the troop leader at one point and the "cookie" mom several times. I will never forget cookie selling season...Dad would take my cookie selling sheet to Ford Motor Company where he worked and come back with tons of orders. I could just see Dad walking around asking the line men to order cookies from his daughter. They probably roller their eyes at him...One thing that does give me some peace is knowing how proud my Dad was of me. He wasn't the best at telling me directly all of the time, but boy did his friends give me an earful. Apparently bragging about my job, different places I have lived, etc...was his favorite topic when visiting with his friends.  I hope I can continue making you proud Dad, but it makes me so sad that you cannot be here today to meet your Granddaughter. You would be most proud of me now.....you were a great Father and I am so sorry every single day that your own Son ended your life. It's so hard for me to write those shocking words especially when I look at pictures of you and Justin together as he was growing up. You loved your Son and I'm so sad it ended this way. It didn't have to. 

I pray for you too, even though I know it happened so quick. I hope your last words with Mom or Brandy were happy words and I hope your last thought was a good one.  I love you and thank you for all of the years you brought my Girl Scout cookie order sheet into work...........we all miss you so much. 

Elle is doing great--growing every day. As you will see above in the pictures, Ted enjoys reading to her.....and she seems to enjoy it as well. 

"a top performer"

I am very lucky to yet again be married to a top performer. As of today, Ted has officially qualified for the 2009 Top Performers conference and it happens to be in IRELAND! For as much as we love travel, we have never been to Europe and the way his past company trips have been, we are sure to see Ireland in an amazing way. Ted's brother Tom, who also works for Farmland is very close to qualifying as well--how fun would this be? We are also very lucky as our really good friends Erich and Carolyn currently live in Paris soooo......we are planning to start our Europe trip off for 5 days in Paris! How fun will this be? I cannot wait to shop with Carolyn-grab a latte, go to the champagne region in France for a tasting, and of course, see the Eiffel Tower!

Grandpa and Grandma will be so excited come the end of September to have Elle for 9 full days. It will be hard to leave her for that long but we will be leaving her in very good hands.

So in a time where the economy is terrible and people continue to lose their jobs, I feel very blessed/fortunate to be going on a trip such as this. So far, 2009 has been treating us very well. A healthy/beautiful child, my brother being placed in a safe place, and now Ireland............I just pray that I can now get through the month of April and that I can finally put a close next month on my parents estates. It's been a long 10 months and it's still difficult each and every time I have to yet again pull those death certificates out. I want to lock them up for good once everything is settled. I still find myself starring at their age, the words-found shot, and pronounced dead time. I'm sick of looking at it. It makes me so angry and sad.

one month

Elle is one  month old today. If this is any indication as to how fast she will grow and time will fly, I better enjoy and document every minute of the time I have with her. 

I was thinking today as I was holding her. How can I teach her to enjoy every minute she has with me as she gets older, because I know I went through "that stage" where parents were uncool. I argued with Mom about clothes, boys and curfews. I regret ever upsetting my Mom although I know I brought her more smiles then tears. But, I'm sad now because I miss my Mom every minute and I guess what I'm trying to say is, I never want Elle to be sad that she misses me or regrets being mean to me or remembers about a specific instant where she may have upset me (like when I upset my Mom over the Martini shirt and earrings). I want her to grow enjoying "us" and then being at peace when we're gone. I think to myself, I could be gone at age 50 just like my Mom. God forbid as tragically, but I could certainly be gone. Yes, it's a rather morbid thought but I never imagined in a million years that my Mother and Father would be gone at such a young, vibrant age and so quickly that I didn't get to say thank you. Thank you for being the most incredible parents and for leaving me with such gifts. 

Kids are kids and they don't know what they don't know and often don't appreciate certain things until they're older. How can I take what I've been through and teach her early on in life what's important so we can avoid those "clothing" arguments. 

Ted's middle brother Tommy and his girlfriend Jess visited this weekend from FL. We had a great time relaxing around the house. We took them for a late lunch in Hyde Park Square and then Ted's Mom joined us yesterday and Ted cooked us a Mexican feast with his homemade Sangria and all. I'm so excited to share with Elle one day of all the pictures taken in her first month of life and all of the visitors she had to welcome her to the world. 

Mom and Dad, I want you here so badly just to hang out with. It really just stinks. The entire family just misses you terribly. We have no option other then to keep on moving along, I know you'd be proud of us but I know you miss us too. If your allowed to miss us...wherever you are......

Justin seems to be doing okay in his new place. We are so lucky he is safe and currently being taken care of much better then a prison. I think this is what you would want. I miss Justin too. Every day is a constant reminder that I have essentially lost all three of you. 

April

Elle is getting bigger, you'd be amazed at how she changes daily. As of yesterday, she is 7 lbs 10 1/2 ounces. Still small, but that is actually big to us seeing as she was in the mid 5's when we left the hospital. 

We've been walking a lot with the Weather being nice this week. I cannot go back to full activity until my 6 week checkup so walks are all about I can do. I cannot wait to run again. The month of March should be nice here in Cincinnati so I plan to get out everyday.....I really want to enjoy this time off with her as come April 13th, I will be back to work. I really love my job so I know I can have a nice work life balance that Ted and I can manage. My career will remain an important element in my life just with Elle being the priority. 

I'm still pondering what I want to do the month of April. I want to honor my parents life the entire month. Whether its doing things they would enjoy, visiting their grave which I hate, volunteering my time, donate to the MS society, have a drink at Boomers, bake a cheesecake, take a bike ride like Dad would...nothing seems meaningful enough. Nothing I could ever do will ever be enough to show how much they were loved and are missed. Some may think, wow it's almost a year, Melissa must be doing better. But I have to admit, there is not an hour that doesn't go by that they're not thought of or what happened is not pictured in my head. You cannot block this from your memory.....when it's your parents, it's impossible. Especially when you had a relationship with them that I had. I only wish I would have said and done so much more for them. That is why I will say everything to Elle and my remaining family....I never again want to leave anything left unsaid, because you honestly never know. 

Life has shocked the hell out of me....

Friends till the end

Mom and Dad had so many friends until the end. They led such an amazing example on how to maintain, nurture and keep your long lasting friendships actually last a lifetime...

Our lifelong friends, Melissa and Nick came to meet Elle this past weekend. I met them through Teddy sophomore year in College and now they are simply Family. 

It's really exciting to share our daughter with our very important friends as they have known us so well prior to being parents. 

With Teddy traveling this week, Gracie, Elle and I get a very special visitor; Grandpa Close. He had some time off work and offered to come to Cincinnati to hang out with the girls. 

I struggled the first 6 months after my parents passed in getting too close with anyone other than my side of the Family. I was angry, jealous and felt guilty letting anyone else other than my parents be close to me. Even though prior to them dying, I was close with all of them. But I have now come to the realization that I need to enjoy the people I have left or I will only be hurting myself, Elle and Teddy even more. And I one day hope I can say, Mom and Dad would want me to have these close relationships and they are not angry or sad, they're just happy that I'm happy. But it's hard to get yourself to that point. My parents were everything to me. 

We continue to enjoy introducing Elle to our wonderful friends and family, keep coming!! 

first walk

A friend and past neighbor to my Parents, sent me a card and adorable gifts for Elle today. The most special part was what was written in the card.  A few words from her...

"Melissa, I want to share with you how your Mom and I began our friendship. I was pregnant with Adam and we would chat here and there, wave and yell across the street but we were not close at that time. After Adam was born, your Mom came over with some little thoughtful things and I thought to myself what a wonderful person she was to go out of her way for a neighbor. As time went on, we grew closer and closer. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with Alex, she was the first person I called! Your Dad would run over and yell at me when he saw me carrying packages from the car. He would take the packages in the house mumbling why are you doing this. Leave it for your husband. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them. " 

There were additional words of congratulations and how my parents will always be with me but I especially loved the story that she shared with me. It's just a little glimpse as to the type of neighbors my parents were. They loved their neighbors and became best friends with this Family, my Mom ended up babysitting her kids. And when this family moved out of this house, my parents became best friends with the new neighbors, and ended up being the maid of honor and best man in their wedding only a few years ago. That doesn't happen at their age. But they were that special. 

Thank you Sue for sharing your story and for thinking of my Family and I.  I think of them every day too. 

Elle and I went on our first walk today! The snow hasn't yet melted but we gave it our best shot. It only lasted about 15 minutes but getting fresh air and a little exercise was just what I needed. We are expecting a visitor tonight, one of my best friends Melissa. Looking forward to having her meet Elle. Her and I are going to get massages tomorrow and we'll hopefully have a nice glass of wine at some point. Hopefully Elle sleeps well tonight. She did really well last night. I got at least 5 hours of sleep on and off but was still up every 2-3 hours to feed her.

Every day is a blessing to spend with Elle and I cannot wait to take her on this adventure of my new life. 

10 months

It's hard to believe here we are into February already. 10 months have passed by since Mom and Dad died and in 2 short months, it will already be a year. I dread that day. I can already picture exactly what I was doing that day when I first found out. I had just gotten back from a mid day ice cream run with the office. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful April day, unseasonably warm. Then bam, with one phone call...my life was changed forever.

They have missed so much over the past 10 months, our 5 year anniversary, Aydan's 5th birthday.....the announcement that I was expecting (although had they been alive, who knows if I would have Elle right now, which is a strange thought), the baby shower, Thanksgiving and then of course, Christmas. All of these events were not the same without them and they were sorely missed for each and every one of them. I cannot fully explain what it's like these days without them. It's a constant sadness that they're not here but mainly for me, a sense of loneliness. I know longer have "that person" to call for everything and anything and really, for nothing at all. Mom was the best, always had an ear to lend for my complaining. I feel badly looking back that I never stopped and asked her how she was doing. But I know that is what Motherhood is all about. Once they're born, it's never about YOU anymore.
Seeing how much Ted and I love Elle already, I think I finally understand how much my parents loved us and no matter what we did, the unconditional love they had for us is what parenthood is really all about.
Her voice, smiles and laughter are missed so terribly and my Dad's smart ass remarks have left me wanting to hear them one last time.

I feel most sad for my Sister and Aydan. Christina isn't married, she doesn't have an entire family of her own yet. I know how lost she must feel. She will come out of this a stronger individual but the road thus far has been a challenge. I'm still amazed at her capacity in which she is able to handle. The house, the details, seeing Mom, court, Justin..........all must heavily weigh on her. And to this day, I still don't ask many questions. I cannot come to terms with the truth, whatever the truth is, maybe I already know it and I twist things up in my head that our worse then what actually happened. I must believe for myself that she was in no pain and in shock and never fully realized what really happened. If she knew Justin did this and that her girls would be left alone, breaks my heart entirely.

Motherhood has been going really well Mom and Dad. You would be proud of me- breastfeeding is going great and I'm even changing dirty diapers, a ton of them.......I could use some more sleep as Elle is still a day sleeper, but those few hours I am getting allow me to function. It's crazy how your body adjusts as I used to need 8 hours minimum to function properly at work. We are still snowed in pretty much so I am really looking forward to getting outside with her, hopefully this weekend will be her first walk. I am craving exercise and I cannot wait to get back into it. I already have our walk mapped out for March for every day...and it leads to a Starbucks. I wish so badly you were here to meet and hold her and most of all to be able to visit us. You're missed constantly.

visitors!

For all I have lost in losing my wonderful parents, I'm amazed at what wonderful family and friends I really do still have here on Earth. It doesn't take away the sadness, the nightmares and the constant wishing they were still here but having amazing relationships with everyone else has helped me tremendously throughout this grieving process. 

This weekend one of our best friends Josh came down for a visit and brought with him one of my best girl pals, Reagan. I had my first post pregnancy full glass of wine, Josh cooked us gourmet Pizza's AND cleaned my entire kitchen! We just relaxed all weekend, they held the baby, Ray and I made a trip to Target for more diapers and wipes. Definitely not the weekend filled with nice restaurants and drinking like they have been in the past, but that is when you know you have true friends. They come down just to sit around with you and hold the baby. 

After my parents passed, my family and friends took generosity to whole new level...sending cards, flowers, gifts, notes....calling more frequently...it was really appreciated. Now with the baby, I have once again been blown away by all of the love and support we have received. For the first two weeks of her life, Elle has received something almost daily! A beautiful card, a cuddly blanket, a good book, a cute dress, beautiful flowers.......it's really so wonderful to know people are thinking of us and are just as excited about the arrival as Elle as we are. 

There is not a day that goes by or even a few hours that I'm not thinking of you. I hope you continue to give us guidance and strength and are still coming along on our new journey of life....