Headed to the beach house

When Ted and I lived in Boston for three years, we got the happiness of getting to know Ted's Aunt, Uncle and cousins who lived in New England. They took us in immediately...inviting us down to their beloved beach house in Waterford, CT that sits on the Long Island Sound. It's a really beautiful place and like Mom and Dad's lake house, the stress goes away upon arrival and you find yourself in complete relaxation mode. Our days are spent lounging on the Dock reading a good book, tubing or attempting Wind Surfing, eating Lobster at a cool little shack type restaurant and ending the day with some Wine, Ice Cream, maybe a fire or a Movie.
It's super casual and comfortable and Ted and I always got the room with the "twin beds".

I am headed there this weekend before the Summer is over. It couldn't be better timing. My parents were here this time last year to celebrate my Birthday so it will be nice to be with Family. However, it's also very difficult knowing they would have been in Cincinnati with me this year. They would come down and we would got out to dinner. Dad would help around the house, probably power wash our much needed deck and patio. Mom would bake us a cheesecake and we would stay up late sipping Wine and playing cards. We would go out for my Birthday and Dad and Ted would sit at the bar while Mom and I danced. I always thought I was so lucky to have young parents. I loved saying my Mom just turned 50 years old last April. They were so full of life. Never went to bed early and they were always up for anything as long as it involved fun shared with Family and Friends.

With suffering from such a huge loss, it's hard to call myself lucky by any stretch these days but I know I am because I still have wonderful relationships with my Family. I find it very cool that I can spend the weekend with Ted's Aunt, Uncle and cousins without Ted going with me. We are that close and I am lucky to have them in my life.

I received the very first letter from Justin today. It was 3 pages long. Incredibly heart wrenching, sad, scary and real. I cannot imagine what goes through his mind each and every day knowing that he took away the lives of the two most important people in his life.
For this moment I need to something to blame and I am blaming the medications. It's not for debate but I am certain by weaning off one of his meds after so many years made him incredibly paranoid, anxious and he believed things that were absolutely not true. The particular medication he was still on was used by one of the Columbine Shooters. I am not saying there was a connection but this story, that has changed my life forever, is opening my eyes to the world of medications and frankly, I am scared to death of them.

For three days, I can put some of this aside and enjoy my life with the Special people who are still here on Earth.

I am so sorry Mom and Dad that you will not get to spend another Birthday with me. I know in my heart you would have been here and you still will be....in spirit.

The "trendy"church

Ted and I recently started going to this really cool church in our area. Have you ever heard such a thing? A really cool church. Well, for starters, you get really good coffee when you get there that you can bring into the service. Awesome. Prior to going into the auditorium (yes, it's that big), you get to network with other people in the community. You can wear whatever you want (gym clothes, dressy clothes or jeans) and the best part that I love the most is the band. This band is amazing. The drummer was even asked to leave "Crossroads" to join John Mayer's tour and he turned it down! So aside from the band, really the favorite part for me is that everyone is welcome. No matter what stage you're in with your relationship with God. Sure I went to a Catholic church all growing up, 1st communion, confirmation and all. But I went because I had to. That sounds bad but when you're young you really don't understand the whole purpose. Even at 28 years old, I still don't understand it but I am trying.

Ted is out of town this week so my friend and I went to the Wednesday evening service. I really felt this particular service was directed toward me. As if they were talking to a room of hundreds of people but only looking at me. The minister wasn't there today so the band members ran the service. One of the guys talked about how he has been weeping for the last few months and how angry he is with God right now and how he is questioning his Faith. He asked God to please pull him out of this state he is in. The other guy spoke about his Sister's death. His younger Sister died a few weeks ago and how bumpy the last few years have been for him. The New York Times called him to interview him about his Sister and how someone pretty religious is handling something so tragic. I loved his response but I cannot quote it because I do not remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of the Times saying how Christians go around saying God is always good no matter what and his response was, well...then I have a different meaning of what Good is then God. People were shocked by his response! Asking him if he would be fired since he does work at a "church". Isn't God always good in Christian's minds?! I guess they just expected someone very religious to say, oh this was God's plan, etc, etc, etc. That's just it, Crossroads accepts every type of person no matter if they're angry at God or if someone is confused and looking to have a relationship with God. I am that person! I am confused, sad, angry and really don't believe in miracles right now as I didn't get my miracle. They didn't make it. They didn't miraculously pull through and live. My parents are gone. And I feel let down by God. But, I pray this life isn't all there is and that when you're gone it's a whole new beginning.....

So, needless to say Ted and I are trying this Crossroads thing out. We have been out of town for the last several months but we'll try to go as much as we can. If anything, it's a place to reflect and to remember. At this point, I will give just about anything a try.....

Another reason why I felt I really had to go tonight was the call I received from my Brother's lawyer. Justin is through with his medical evaluation. I cannot talk about this on the Blog for legal reasons, but just as I had known in my heart all along. That wasn't Justin. That was not my Brother for that moment of time. It makes this all so much harder, confusing and sad. No matter what the outcome is, my parents will not be brought back and my Sister and I will be living with the sadness we have for our Brother, and the loss of Mom and Dad...forever.

Praying for Mom, Dad and Justin all of the time (and myself...occasionally).

Your Daughter

He made it through surgery!

I finally got a positive phone call from Christina....my Grandpa made it through surgery. Not sure at this point what they found or removed, but he made it through.

He is now in intensive care so they can carefully monitor his heart. He has significant pain but my Sister and Aunt Kim were able to visit with him. I am so thankful he made it through.......now for his heart to be in good shape during the recovery process. Christina and others will visit every day. Wonderful news. So happy he has Family there without Mom being there by his side.

Thank you for your prayers, emails and phone calls I received.

As a family, we couldn't handle anymore bad news and I am hopeful I will have Gramps in my life for many years to come.

Hang in there Grandpa

Mom was worried about her Dad. A few months before my Mom passed away, they had found a mass in Grandpa's colon that could be cancerous. Unfortunately, his heart wasn't strong enough to take surgery so they had to wait and continue testing. The time has come where the specialists believe they must perform the surgery and they are going to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. Mom was always there for Grandpa. They shopped together, called each other often, spent time with each other up at the Lake. And wow did my Dad and Grandpa have the best relationship a Son-n-law and Father could have. Their relationship sort of reminded me of Ted and my Dad's. Sure, they respected one another but they were comfortable enough to rip on each other which made their relationship fun. My Grandpa told me over Memorial day that my Dad was not just a Son-n-law, he was his best friend. It was hard to hear those words.



So, Mom and Dad....Grandpa goes into surgery tomorrow and will be recovering in the hospital for at least a week if not longer. Christina will visit often and Aunt Kim is taking the day off work. Eve is going to call all of us when he is out of the surgery to give us all an update.



Grandpa will do just fine. We need him to do fine. We need him in our lives for many more years. He raised my Mother, he walked her down the aisle, he held me when I was first born, we've spent every Christmas eve with him and now more then ever, we need our Grandfather. Our Grandfather's are the closest thing left to our parents.



Here is Grandpa holding me at one week old.

Here's Mom holding me at 10 months old at the beach up-north (see Grandpa waving his arms in the background?)

And here's Eve, Grandpa and Mom or "Patty" as Grandpa would call you, at Dad's 50th birthday party.

Watch over him for us and pray for a quick recovery.

They'll take care of your Dad, don't worry........

Wishing you were here,

Melissa

a new marriage, an old memory...

This weekend we got the chance to go back to our wedding reception site, Bay Pointe Golf Club to attend a wedding. 5 years later. Here we took a picture at the exact same spot where we stood for our wedding pictures.....

I have to admit, I spent the majority of the time picturing my parents flow through their crowd of friends with the biggest grin upon their faces on my wedding day (great guest..huh?). In particular, Dad. I will never forget this one picture I saw of him. He was carrying a beer walking through the crowd as if he was the proudest Father on the planet, for that one special day. I know he was proud to put on a wedding at a snazzy little place (although his first recommendation for a wedding site was the VFW haul..) and serve his best of friends a wonderful meal, endless cocktails and the opportunity to dance with his 1st and oldest daughter. (the very first time I ever saw my Father dance and the very last..) Both my Family and the Close Family put on a wonderful celebration all of us would remember (although our friend Josh says to do this day, he only remembers going to the wedding, doesn't remember leaving....must have been the 6 hour open bar....so we were young, that is the only excuse I can come up with!).

Of course, I cried when the bride danced with her Father on the very exact dance floor I danced with Dad. My Sister-n-law Jackie was sitting next to me. I told her how my Sister cannot have a traditional wedding when she gets married one day. She cannot be put through not having this.

I look forward to the day when I can once again be happy at a wedding and truly be happy watching the Family and all of the traditions that go along with it. It's just hard.

A few more pictures of the Close girls this weekend....

My two biggest joys of the weekend were spending a few hours at the pool on the hot, sunny day with your Grandson Aydan. He is becoming quite the little fish.

And then with visiting Grandpa Olszowy today. Whether we are talking (yelling because he can barely hear me) about the War he fought in China or how to say I love you in Polish, I feel that much more closer to Dad as I spend time with him.

Missing you every day,

Melissa

Princess Grace turns two

Well, she made it. Gracie Rosebud Close is officially 2 years old today.

The first year we had her was constant doctor visits, medications, high Vet bills, worry, a few emergency runs and an invasive surgery. But for the last year, she has been perfect. Knock on wood.

Today when I got in from Seattle, we drove her up to Hyde Park Square (although a short walk for an adult, it's a long haul for an English Bulldog). We brought her into to the trendy dog boutique, "Hyde bark". She got to pick out a new collar (with pink and black skulls--very fitting), a delicious Dog cookie (I tried it....pretty good), and a new Toy. She started terrorizing the owners' little black Yorkie, so we quickly paid and escorted Grace out of the store. She is getting awfully snooty in her older age...especially with Female dogs.

Gracie brings so much happiness and comfort to my life. Although she is much more well behaved for Ted, it's hard to stay mad at someone who is as cute as she is. The unconditional love she has for us is exactly what we need during a time like this and always.

I am going to enjoy every minute I have with her as she is truly our best friend.

Your little grand dog is growing up...I wonder if she would still barge into your room and steal your infamous socks and slippers. I am pretty certain of this.

Here is a picture of Grace from last year's bday ( I have some from today but I am incredibly exhausted from the travel and would love nothing more then to try and get some sleep).

On another note, I spoke with Christina today after she left the Jail. Justin put a letter in the mail today for me. I dread getting it. It will be so very hard to see my brother's handwriting, from jail. He's missing you just as much as we are and is trying to make sense of this. I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare......but, I am clearly wide awake and the nightmare is reality. My new world... that I must somehow manage to accept one day.

Love always,

Your daughter

Jet-Lag

Within my job responsibilities, I manage some of our Accounts on the West Coast and Northwest. This week my travels brought me to Orange County, CA and Seattle, WA.

First stop-California. My co-worker Don and I had a productive day and ended it with dinner at one of my most favorite restaurants, Las Brisas in Laguna Beach. The guacamole is incredible and the view is stunning as seen below.

Next day we had some appointments near Los Angeles and we stopped for a burger at SoCal's classic burger joint, In and Out Burger. Extremely tasty....

Don is a great person to travel with given his professional and personal life experiences. He has a great outlook on life and offers up some really good advice. He's very sensitive to the tragedy and has really given me some good tips. We were talking about the Holidays and how badly I am dreading them. He told me to do something different on Christmas Day, where I would normally spend at Mom and Dad's. He said, "sponsor a family through your church and bring them gifts and Christmas Dinner, the joy you will get out of seeing their smiling faces will bring a lot of good". Do something different and special. He also thought hosting Christmas at my Grandfather's house would be a wonderful way to bring the Family together, which was so important to my Parents and will remain incredibly important to my Sister and I. We must keep on the tradition of being with my Family on Christmas Day. That was our day. "Incorporate their traditions into your own, Melissa."

On our flight to Seattle, I turned my computer on to do some work and ended up sharing with Don about 200 photos of my parents. He commented on what a wonderful family we had and he touched my shoulder with great sympathy and said, "you still have Ted, Christina and Aydan and they need you." He also gave me some wonderful ways to continue honoring my parents through a potential benefit next April. It feels good to talk about my Family. I have so many wonderful memories with them up until the end, it's hard not to smile when I think back. It's the end that's so difficult......

After a long day of work in Seattle, we were ready to have some fun. We checked out the University of Washington's beautiful campus, even bought some "Huskie" sweatpants. Then we ventured to Pike Market and grabbed a latte at the original Starbucks coffee, walked around the market and admired the stunning Flowers ( a full arrangement for $10..) and bought a cookie at a local bakery what was almost as big as my head. I walked past the place I had purchased Mom's hand painted "Seattle" magnet that I had bought for her last year. She always loved little trinkets from places I would visit.

Never said good-bye

I was en route to L.A. again this afternoon and during my layover in Dallas, I purchased another book. Throughout the weekend I finished "One minute after you die" so I knew I needed an another easy- fun read (I like to read something difficult followed by something fun). But it's interesting to me how these supposed easy reads turn out to be sad in one way or another.

This book is by an Author I truly enjoy, Emily Giffin. I often get her books when I go on vacation simply because they're fun, (Something Borrowed, Something Blue and Baby Proof). Her newest release is, "Love the one you're with". I was sure it would be a fun read about Andy and Ellen, the couple with the perfect marriage, that turned sour when she ran into her first love Leo at a New York City crosswalk. But of course, I was instantly reminded of what it's like living without a Mother and Father. The main character, Ellen lost her Mother when she was 13 to Cancer and brings it up in every chapter. Now, a successful adult she still feels haunted by the way her Mother looked towards the end, and the fact that she will always be categorized as Motherless. So then I found myself comparing her to my situation; I am Motherless, Fatherless and somewhat Brotherless. No matter what I do and accomplish in life, I will be pitied for this fact. Not pitied in a bad way, just the simple fact people will feel bad when they finally get to know me better and find out that I lost almost everything/everyone important to me in a very tragic way. Not cancer, or a car accident, or diabetes. I know it's wrong of me to ever compare my tragedy to what someone else is facing in their own lives. But I find myself almost envious of someone who lost a loved one in way that they were still able to say good-bye. (not that any loss is easy) At least you get to say everything you wanted to say to them, at least you get to say goodbye, at least you get to hold them so tightly and hear words from them that will help you heal faster when they eventually pass. I never got that chance with Mom or Dad. But no matter how anyone looses their parents, especially at the same time, there is NO easy way so please don't think I am being insensitive...it's just... I would have had it any other way.

My very last conversation with my Mother was on Sunday, April 6th the day before she died. We talked briefly about how much fun she had at her slumber party Saturday evening shared with her Sister Kim and her three children (Kim still has not developed the disposable camera that was used that evening, these pictures will be the very last that Mom was pictured alive, looking like herself and smiling). I quickly told her about my Saturday evening; Ted made Mexican for 4 of our friends, our friend Sarah made the best Molten Chocolate cakes topped with Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream and how I had drank too much wine (Jessie, our neighbor brought over a fabulous Spanish white wine). That was it. I am not even certain I told her I loved her. We had our normal daily conversation. Nothing special. The last conversation with my Father was actually the Wednesday prior (although, he was always in the background when I would chat with my Mother, like I said, they were never apart). We talked about yard work and how our front Ivy wasn't growing in like normal. He suggested I build a rock garden and tear the Ivy out (for those who know my Father, he was obsessed with rocks). He laughed and said, "load up your car like Mom and I did and go rock hunting." My Mother and Father would actually do that...they would hunt for rocks. That is another reason why they loved our home in Plymouth, MA. We were a few blocks from the Ocean and Beach which was perfect rock picking conditions. My Dad nearly broke his back as he rolled one up our driveway to have placed by our walkway. That was my Dad. I never got to tell him how much I appreciated things like that.

I cried all the way to the Airport this morning. Actually, the car is my most common and quite frankly, favorite place to cry. It usually starts with a song, but then turns into thoughts. Today was about the Holidays, even though it's only July. I was picturing myself sitting at Thanksgiving Dinner this year at the Close's (my parents were there last Thanksgiving) and I couldn't do it. After grace, I had to excuse myself. I couldn't bare enjoying a Holiday dinner without them alive. It was just a quick thought I had as I drove to the Airport but they're thoughts that scare me. What if this huge amount of strength I currently have all of sudden vanishes? and I turn into a hopeless mess who misses her Mom and Dad, and brother so much that it effects my daily joy? Joy such as Thanksgiving dinner. Oh how our Family loved the Holidays, now I am in fear of them.

I read about the CT doctor today in People Magazine (no-I didn't just buy it to read about Brad and Angelina's twins), who lost his Wife and two beautiful daughters, one year ago this month. They were tragically murdered by intruders. A year later, he has not gone back to work and is living with his Parents. He, like myself, never got to say goodbye to the most important people in his life. Mine were the people who made me who I am today and are fully responsible for my presence here on Earth. (and God, too, of course). I was their little miracle back in 1979 on August 4th. Knowing I brought them so much joy when I was born, even though that turned into some stress and frustration in my teenage years, makes me feel happy. Because now I often feel they brought so much more joy to me then I brought to their life but when I go back to the moment I was born, I am certain when the Doctor announced, "It's a girl", I know this is not true. I did bring a lot to their life and did for almost 28 years.

My lovely Mom and Dad........another flight, another book, another tear, and you being gone is still so painfully on my mind, however I still find a way to function in a very positive way and continue to try and make you proud. Thank you for the continued strength you give me, please give some of it to Christina and Justin. I fear they are not as strong as I am.

A fun read

A few weeks ago I was traveling back from Los Angeles and I desperately needed a book. I already had gotten some spiritual reads and various sad books so I was in the mood for something easy and fun. I entered into the Airport Barnes and Noble and immediately saw Tori Spellings new book, Stori Telling. ( I go from 90 minutes in Heaven to this???!!....)

I said to myself, "how hard of a read could this be?" and purchased the overpriced $29.99 book.
I wasn't certain what to expect. All I knew about Tori Spellings was that she was totally rich (so I thought), was the star of 90210( a show I loved), had a bad relationship with her Mother, got little inheritance when her Father passed, and cheated on her husband with the man she is currently married to. Perfect, juicy gossip. I could definitely handle this kind of read as I was positive it would make me laugh. (it actually made me cry too!)

Surprisingly enough, I finished the entire book in exactly 3 hours. I was hooked. Couldn't put the book down. Tori Spelling really was so much more then I thought she was. Here this girl was born into one of the most wealthiest family's in LA and yet wanted a normal life like mine with true, honest, unconditional love from her parents all along. She never got it and it forced her into a marriage to a Man she didn't love only for a sense of normalcy. (His Family actually hugged her with excitement when she entered their home). Tori and her Mother had an interesting/sad relationship throughout her entire childhood and into her current adult life. She was not loving, acted very jealous and prefers communicating through her publicist now if she needs to reach Tori. She did have a good relationship with her Father, Aaron Spelling but when he passed, a man worth Billions left Tori $800,000. After taxes, it was almost half. Now trust me, that is a lot of money but not for someone that has grown up in the single largest estate in Los Angeles and who's Father is the "Aaron Spelling", I have to say I understand why she would be a little confused. But money wasn't important to her, what she honestly craved was Family. I know more then anyone that inheritance means nothing when you lose someone you love so much. Honestly, I would have been sadden if my Parents left us boat loads of money as that meant they didn't fully live their life. My Father was retired, they were comfortable and really enjoyed themselves but also knew the importance of stability and future. I don't want to give the entire book away but I found toward the end of the book and now as I watch her series on Oxygen, Tori and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood (on Tuesdays at 10pm EST), she has some of the same fears and sadness that I do. She lost her Father she adores and now has two children that she would love to share with him. Her husband Dean lost both of his parents so there is not a ton of Family around. She fears her children won't know her Dad and is so sad they won't have Grandparents (her Mother isn't exactly a Grandmother). She turns to friends and her Father's brother, Uncle Danny.

I know it may sound cheesy I am writing about Tori Spelling, who up until I read this book and watched a few episodes of her series, thought she was just another ditsy, Hollywood Blonde, but it seems to me all she ever wanted was a loving Family and a normal childhood. Through her dramatic life, she now has two beautiful children, a wonderful loving husband and a very hardworking career that she has done all on her own. And a Mother, who is still alive but is not in her life like she should be. Again, another reminder how lucky I was although it makes it even harder to know there are Mothers out there who choose to not be in their children's lives and mine who would do anything to be here today.....

So, watch her show or pick up the book and let me know what you think....... I bet you will find it a fun read. (Although I do not support her decision to cheat on her 1st husband, I found the honesty of her story very courageous).

On another note, we had a good weekend. One of my best friends who lives in AZ, came to Cincinnati on Friday for a visit. We got a chance to catch up over coffee in Hyde Park Square. We talked and cried about the past few months events and ended up having a fun dinner, ice-cream and watched one of my favorite movies (27 dresses-saw it with Mom in the Theater in February). Our good friend Josh drove all the way from Kalamazoo, MI to help Ted with a project on the house. We also had a fun dinner with him Saturday. We are once again reminded of the wonderful friends we have in our life. Friends who make the trip to be with you just when you need them the most!

A funny, funny lady~

Did I ever mention how much fun my Mother would have? Or how frequently my Mother laughed? Particularly at things of which I would do. My most famous thing would be the messages on the answering machine. Like I said, my parents had social lives of a 21 year old so they were often not home. I would call leaving several voice mails on their answering machine. Not just any message, messages that consisted of singing, voice impersonations, etc. She often saved them so she could replay when I came home. She'd also get a kick out of my singing or honestly, anything even relatively funny...my Mother would laugh very hard.

My Mother was such a wonderful caring person who always put the care of others first (Grandpa, Aydan, her kids, and a friend in need) before herself. But one thing she would do is allow herself to have fun. I am so thankful for that. At 50 years old my Mother still danced (a lot), purchased clothing at craft fairs that said things like "Martini" (more on that in a minute) and just looked extremely good for her age. (please tell me I was passed on that gene)

But while she had so much fun, her life wasn't total peaches. She cared for my Dad's Father from everything to his shopping, banking and doctors appointments to caring for my brother and doing everything imaginable for him (who have would have thought the one she cared for the hardest would end her life). She also watched her grandchild Aydan a minimum of three times per week and had two daughters who would call her constantly for advice, direction or just to simply talk. While she was mainly a homemaker, she had a ton of responsibility.

So more on the Martini clothing. This one really hurts. I am certain I have made my Mother cry more then this, thankfully I don't remember them. Most of us kids do this at some point even when not intentional. So I called her and we were chatting one Sunday afternoon and she was telling me with such excitement about this adorable shirt she bought that said "Martini" with matching earrings and a necklace. I acted like a complete snob and said, "are you kidding me? Who would spend money on such choch". (one of my favorite words for something tacky). She started to cry and actually hung up on me. I called her back and Dad answered the phone. He says to me, "Good job, you made your Mother upset." I felt terrible. I was only joking.....I asked him if I could please talk to her. She got on the phone with her sad voice and I distinctly remember saying, "Mommy, I am sorry, I love you but I just thought it sounded kind of tacky." Sniffles were still in her voice and she said whatever and we were fine. I found out later she shared her hurt with her Sister Kim and my Sister. I feel so bad now and I did then too. Why didn't I say, "oh that's so cute. How fun! You'll look cute in that on the weekends at the Lake or something". You can never take words back but I am certain I showed her how much I loved her after that. For Christmas, I got my Mommy the most comfy white Robe that she wore every morning until the day she died. I now have it in my laundry closet. I still haven't washed it yet. But I mine as well as it's among my other dirty clothes so any scent left of my Mother is probably now gone. I should wash it and start using it myself.

Mommy, if you can hear me, I love you and there was nothing tacky about your Martini shirt. You were beautiful and had such a fun spirit about you that many women lose in their 30's. Not you though........you kept on having fun.



So a reminder to all of those daughters out there, try and not ever make your Mother cry. You'll regret it one day. I certainly do. I am just thankful I said I was sorry and that I loved her. Some never say their sorry. If you have made your Mother cry before, I have to admit, I would like to hear your story. (someone make me feel like I am not alone!)

Sorry Mommy, you were the greatest and I hope I made you laugh much more then I made you cry. And as I look back at the fun we used to have, I am confident this is true.

We can do this

I feel so badly for Christina. She relied so heavily on you both. She is only 24 years old. She is not married and has not graduated from Nursing School yet. So many milestones to still experience as a young adult and she is without parents to share these with, all while raising your pride and joy Aydan. My heart aches when I talk to her. She knows more then I do. She saw you after you died Mom. I cannot get that image out of my head. My heart begins to race as I picture Christina walking into the hospital room witnessing our beautiful, always smiling Mother lying there with tubes coming out her mouth......dead. I cannot fathom that moment for a second. God had me in Cincinnati for a reason and knew it would take me 4 hours to get there and it would then be too late for me to see you. I couldn't have done it. Someone else please tell me you couldn't have done it either??

My Dad was already gone, he was pronounced at the scene. Never even made it to the hospital just straight to the medical examiners office. This sounds like a movie, a nightmare but it's my life. My wonderful loving parents. Do you know my Mother wouldn't even kill a fly or a Spider? This is true. This is so not fair for my Family, my Sister, my Brother, my Aydan or for the many hundreds of people who loved them dearly.

As time goes on, it has not yet got any easier for Chris and I. All we have to do is think about it or see a picture and it brings it back instantly. And trust me, there are lots and lots of pictures. But what has happened, is we are able to now reflect so clearly the wonderful times spent.

I just pray her and I will one day learn to accept our new life and live it fully and to be able to smile genuinely again and not feel this huge hole in our hearts as we celebrate something without them there. I can smile again...I do today, every day as a matter of fact. I even laugh a lot. But it's always, always there. As I am laughing about a joke I am instantaneously thinking about Mom and Dad.

When someone says to me their parents are coming in for the weekend or my Mom is coming to stay with me for the weekend, it stabs me right in the heart. I yearn for those times when I could do that. It's no fault of any ones. I don't want people to treat me a different way or not share certain things with me as I care about the people around me and of course I want to hear every detail about their own lives, even when it includes their parents. Its just sad, that's all. Because I want to share right back with them on my weekend with my parents.

Your blonde~blue eyed girls~miss you terribly.

The gift of a sibling

We often take for granite having a sibling. We believe, not by fault just by human nature, that they will always be there. I have learned much too quickly and painfully that they can be gone in a second. Although my Brother is still here on earth, my brother who I loved dearly is now taken away from our Family. My father had two siblings and my Mother had four...all of which had wonderful relationships. Some would have a struggle explaining their childhood and their families relationships, but not me. My parents were great siblings to their brothers and Sisters and valued their relationship so strongly. My Father in particular was a true Family man even though he may have not totally come off that way. He absolutely hated conflict and just wanted everyone to get along and be happy. He truly loved his Family. My Mother was the glue of the Family. She put her heart and soul into keeping them close and holding Christmas Day ever year where her siblings would gather to be together was so important to her life. Distance played a role in some of their relationships but it didn't get in the way, the effort was always there by both sides to be in each other lives.

Dad, you really were always a very good looking Man. Sure you have the bluest of blue eyes but until now I never really appreciated your smile. Here you are back in the late 70's with your Sister Diann and your Brother Stanley Jr. Just look at that smile, you were with your siblings. You were happy. (Dad is on the right)

Mom, the only one wearing glasses in her youth, just like me! Here you goof around with your Sister Lisa, Brother Jimmy and Brother Mike. And then again with your baby Sister Kim, oh how she looked up to her big Sister. Oh my wonderful Aunts and Uncles, also suffering from a loss that is unbearable.

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts and we are never, ever the same."

That's just it. They were in our lives and left such large footprints in our hearts, therefore we will never, ever be the same.

Our family suffered a huge loss, but let's remember the people they were and to never stop incorporating their lives into our own. My heart aches thinking that they are gone, but these pictures, although quite old will never ever fade away.....

"au revoir" Erich and Carolyn

This weekend was the first in many months that we have been home in Cincinnati. I wasn't looking forward to being back for the first time on a weekend until we got the news that our dear friends, Erich and Carolyn, were coming to visit us. Erich and Carolyn are our close friends from Boston and have come to visit us several times from the East Coast since we have lived here. (they actually really like Cincinnati which is pretty cool coming from Bostonians).

They won't be living in New England for long because they are headed to PARIS for three years for Erich's job. What an incredible journey they are about to embark on and I am so thrilled we have them as friends to come along and learn all about France through their experience. (and we hope to visit there too-they did get a two bedroom place for a reason..)

I remember telling Mom in March or so about our friends moving to Paris and how I wanted to go visit them. I distinctly remember her saying, "oh I would love to go to Paris, wouldn't that be cool if I came too?" I laughed thinking oh yeah, you can sleep on the couch and we'll take over their apartment....that will really work. Now looking back, I wish more then anything you could come along on a trip to Europe. That was your plan post retirement....travel. Not abroad though...Dad hated to fly. You can get him within the US if you really begged but International would have been a chore. Ha- could you see Dad in Paris?? No way!

We had a wonderful weekend. They're the type of people you can be yourself around and it's honestly so much fun and relaxing having them around. You don't have to entertain them (which I enjoy doing anyway), they just enjoy being with us. And we have so much in common especially the love for nice restaurants and a good meal. We ended up at the oldest Jeff Ruby (a classic in Cincinnati) steakhouse on Saturday. Reservations for 6 (our friend Todd and his girlfriend Sarah joined us who is also very good friends with Erich and Carolyn, he actually went to College with Erich in Boston--now you know the connection). The food and Wine was fabulous and the evening ended by walking to another restaurant near our house called "Red". It's a little trendy spot for after dinner drinks and one of the yummiest desserts, Banana Fosters.

Carolyn and I walked and got coffee this morning and had lunch at the little outdoor cafe at the end of the street. You don't have to say everything to her on how you're feeling. She knows. She knows I am sad about you both and she is a wonderful friend and she says such nice comforting words without even realizing it. We talked about Mom and some photos she was in and she commented later how pretty you were. I love hearing that because you were....you were really SO pretty.

Everyday I am reminded how lucky I was to have parents like you. And everyday I am reminded of why I have become the person I am today....it's because of you. It's because of you how strongly I value friendships, like the friendship we have with Erich and Carolyn.

"Au Revoir" my friends. See you soon.

Love,

Melissa

Words that mean so much

I have never in my life received so many meaningful cards. Even prior to this I have always received a lot of them, mainly from my Mother who felt every Holiday, even St. Patrick's Day...deserves a card. I wish I would have saved all of the cards you and Dad have given me.........

I received a card today from a very special friend. This one was said beautifully.

What if the brilliant twinkling stars that bring the dark night sky to life, are windows looking out from heaven? And at that very moment when we're wishing on those stars, hoping the loved ones we have lost are happy, safe and free...maybe they are looking at those same stars from the other side, making the same wish for us...sending us all their love. I'm wishing you the comfort of loving memories and the feeling that you'll always be connected to two so close to your heart. -Sharon Valleau

I pray this is true and know I will one day have faith that it is........

Missing you more then ever,

Your daughter

Home of Country Music

In April 2007, exactly one year before your death, the three of us headed to Nashville, Tennessee.

Just us three. I was running the Country Music Half Marathon and you headed down to Cincinnati and agreed to then drive down to Nashville with me for the weekend. We checked into our 2 room Suite and ventured out into the City. Man you loved this town. The different musicans in each bar, the action, the amount of bars, shops and the restaurants. Here's you both at the first stop:

The night before the race Dad stayed back at the hotel and Mom and I went to a trendy little spot for dinner over near Vanderbilt's campus. Mom ordered a pomegranate Martini, but I couldn't drink because of the race, so I just took a sip of her fabulous cocktail...

When you saw me around mile 12, you were amazed at my energy and the fact that I was smiling. Dad was cracking up watching people faint, walk and cry in pain and then here comes my friend Jessie and I running past waving and posing for a quick picture.

Post race we headed back to the hotel for lunch and a nap....then it was time to hit the town. My friend Jessie had her family in as well so we all met out for dinner and bar hopped to various Country Music Bars. We hit them all from Cadillac Ranch to Coyote Ugly.

My beautiful Mother and I having some fun. Yes, I wore my medal out that night!

Mom got a CD signed and Dad found a Dog on a horse which he found quite comical.

What a special weekend for just the three of us to share. I don't think I could ever go back there to run that race. I want to remember that experience only with the two of you there to support me. It meant a lot that you came there with me. I would have never imagined you would be leaving me...exactly one year later.

~The catch of the day~

This evening I am trying to not focus on what we didn't have at the Lake this weekend, but to appreciate the things we did have.

For one, we have the actual Lake house; your lake house. We have your thousands of pictures and various knick knacks, we have the crossroad puzzle Dad was last working on and Mom's book right where she left it marked. We have a beautiful view that is priceless and a peacefulness of quiet surroundings that you cannot get anywhere else in Michigan. I have my Grandfather and Uncle and Aunt who retired and live in Harrison. I had Family and Friends up there to reminisce of times spent with you and to tell me what amazing entertainers you were, which I know so well. We have Dad's jeep or should I say, his "pride and joy". We have the four wheelers for the boys to toy around in and we have that pontoon boat, which currently does not run because only Dad knew how to start it, to take us back to you both trolling around Half Moon Lake. And we had gorgeous weather...

As I talk about all of these things, unfortunately none of them take the place of you actually being there. See, I was trying to focus on the positive, but then it comes down to the truth. This is all just "stuff". Stuff that actually upsets me because you are no longer there. Sure this is a great place that I truly want to keep and would love to share it with the rest of my Family and Friends, but most of them will never understand the true joy you both felt when up there. The second you pulled in your every day stress went away. Or maybe they will understand, with time. They may learn to love it just like you did. Like I do.

I'm sorry, but I cannot possibly sugar coat this weekend to make it something it wasn't. Look- it sucks not having you there and that is the bottom line. But I can tell you we did enjoy ourselves. You would have laughed at some of our moments. Mom Close and I tried to sun ourselves only to find Gracie chewing an Ant killer trap which led to Ted giving her peroxide to induce vomiting. Aydan ran threw the backdoor screen and ripped it out. Bruin (Mom and Dad Close's dog who weighs 140 lbs) jumped in the Lake off the dock which prompted Ted to jump in fully clothed (see proof below). Aydan and I made a homemade Flag Cheesecake which everyone enjoyed (they weren't just being nice either!). Aunt Missy thought she would be a nice Aunt and let Aydan watch Scary Movie 4 only to find swearing and naked women running around. This ended the evening in tears when my 5 year old nephew realized I would be turning on something rated G. So I made a mistake-ooppss. Matt and Ted worked on the boat motor only to come to one conclusion, only Dad knew how to work the 1978 year old motor and we will be forced to purchase a new one! Mom Close made wonderful Chicken Wings and breakfast and helped clean up the house. Dad Close brought lots of beer for everyone to enjoy over a classic game of corn hole. And last but certainly not least, I had the joy of watching my nephew, who misses his Gamma and Papa so much, be a 5 year old. Not a 5 year old that has just suffered a tremendous loss but a child that has his full life ahead of him. And catching his first fish is just the beginning of his many achievements in life. This I am sure of.

Enjoy the pictures Mom and Dad.

I have so much to tell you...

We are exhausted from the weekend and I won't get the pictures on until tomorrow after work, but I can't wait to share our weekend. The biggest event was Aydan catching his first fish off Dad's dock! I said to Aydan, "Papa would be so proud". He replied with a grin, "they're watching me". Gosh, if we would all just stop and listen close to the five year olds in the world...we sure would learn a lot.

Your laughter, kindness and hospitality was missed this weekend. It's not the same...it never will be. I have to admit, it's very hard for me to be there. I sit there and almost wait for you to run out of the house with food on a platter to grill or I picture Mom from the Lake through the kitchen window washing dishes or sweeping the sand off the patio. But it's your voices that I miss the most. You'd be amazed how quiet it is, even when Uncle Stan comes by to visit. It's just so quiet.

Talk to you tomorrow with details of the weekend at the Lake.


With love,
Melissa

Red, White and Blue

Fireworks, sparklers, barbecue, campfires, friends and family are all of the essentials to hold a Harrison, MI 4th of July. All growing up it was not a question where we would spend this Holiday, it was always at the Lake.

The town center held fireworks so the whole up-north crew would load up their cars and SUV's with blankets, chairs and coolers and we would gather at our corner spot to have the perfect view. I can still hear Dad's dramatic ooooohhhh's and ahhhhhh's as the fireworks came down.

Like I mentioned before, with moving around a bit getting up-north hasn't been the easiest task so the last 4th of July spent up there was close to 5 or more years ago. Gosh I regret that. I had friends meet me up there the last time (Melissa, Nick and Ali) and we all went on Pontoon rides around the lake, some of us even jumped in for a swim as Dad anchored the boat. I remember goofing around the kitchen with Mom as she would do her bunny dance, a classic that only my Mother could do. Dad was always working around the yard or handling the Grill. The house was overflowing with Snacks and we all had somewhere to sleep whether it was on an air mattress, a couch or in one of the bedrooms. I think that's my favorite place about a lake house, there's nothing formal about it and no matter where you sleep, you find yourself incredibly comfortable because of the fresh air. The stars at night are out of this world and there is no smog to cover them. Just clear skies.

What makes me most sad about heading up north with Ted, Ted's Family, Matt and Aydan (Chris has to work) is the fact that my parents would have been SO excited. Mom and Dad LOVED guests. They would never turn anyone away. The more the merrier was their motto. Even Aunt Kim is coming up again and we'll all gather at the house with Grandpa and others for a BBQ. They just loved it and not having them there to share in these fun moments don't seem as special. Another factor is Aydan....he misses Gamma and Papa so much and I think he has this slight glimpse of hope that they are going to be up-north when we get there. (he made a comment to Christina) He is going to be so disappointed when he walks through those doors. But we sure will talk about them.

I still have to pinch myself and say, yes Melissa- they really are gone. I asked Ted on the way home from dinner tonight, "do you believe that they are actually gone?" "no" he replied. I don't think many of us can believe they are gone.

Happy 4th of July Mom and Dad on your absolute favorite Holiday to spend up at the Lake.

I can't believe you won't be there, but please be there in spirit.

Love you always,
Melissa

The baker

So our house was slightly non-traditional you could say, as Dad did all of the cooking however Mom stuck to baking, for a good reason... she excelled at it. My Mother was featured in The News Herald in December 0f 2004. The paper actually came to the house and photographed my Mother as she slathered dark chocolate on her buttery homemade cookies and also her displaying a tray of Christmas cookies in front of her beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Some quotes from the article:

Every year at about this time, Patricia Olszowy of Allen Park starts her Holiday baking.

"I have been making cookies around Christmas for at least 25 years." she said. "Last year my two daughters and I made around 20 different cookies, and took a big platter to a Detroit Firehouse." "The Firefighters were thrilled. I felt that was just a little thing we could do to thank them for risking their lives for us everyday."

"My husband loves to cook, so I usually let him do that" she said. "It's just fine with me".

Needless to say, the article generated some buzz which lead me to creating Mom flyer's to sell her famous cookie platters and cheesecakes. They become a hit throughout the neighborhood and she could barely keep up.

So now I am left with scrapbooks of recipes and memories of licking the batter filled bowls as a child up until last Holiday Season. Every time Mom came down to Cincinnati, she would grace us with her Chocolate Cheesecake, with homemade crust. My oven was even broken one time and she managed to bake it in a toaster oven! Ted and I were amazed and enjoyed it just as much.

So guess with this all means. I need to learn how to bake. Not just any baking, baking like my Mother. Everything from scratch. Okay, let's not go that far but when the Holidays are near, I promise to try your famous cheesecake and crust recipe. I start to cry even imagining that chocolaty taste and that Saltine crust that you did so well. I hardly doubt I can recreate such a thing. But I will try, that is what you would have wanted as you continued to try and teach me but I wouldn't pay attention. You even bought us the cook book, "How to Cook everything" because you & Dad were in awe that I didn't even know how to slice a tomato. Sorry...I was raised by pros and never felt the need to compete.

Thank you for the endless memories of Holiday baking and your amazing desserts throughout my adulthood that you've mastered. You were a true, Betty Crocker and so was Dad.

Your cooking and everything else is always on my mind.

Your hungry daughter