The dock

Maybe a new place to reflect, remember, a place to toast to friends, life, my Mom and Dad and to all the people we enjoy to be around. If you're on this dock with us, you are likely a dear friend or family member and we will share memories here. Come visit this Summer. 

This weekend I had the opportunity to watch Ted, his Dad, Matt, and our dear friend Josh (also known as the "project manager"), add on to my Dad's dock. They put in a post to mount the plaque that will go up once it arrives and while it will be hard to see their names on anything and we will continue missing them, I definitely know if they are truly watching us from up above how very proud they are. The hard part for me is knowing for certain how much they would have wanted to party on this dock right along with us.....they loved to have a good time.  

Thank you for continuing to instill in me what matters most in life. Spending time with good friends and family and having fun......this dock will be a place dedicated to your "more the merrier" mentality. Thank you. 

opening time

The weather has been beautiful lately; so warm for April.....I picked up Elle yesterday from daycare and I got to see her outside for the first time, normally they go out during the day not toward the end of it. I snuck out there and one of her teachers directed me to the area she was playing in. She was with 2 little boys and they were in this little play house trying to climb up on the little bench and she was smiling and laughing but the very second she saw me she ran so fast toward me with her arms up in the air. She loves when I pick her up and give her a big kiss and then I am not allowed to put her down. Then she immediately does the sign for "please" and wants a snack out of her school bag. So as I am packing her up, I give her one of her little snacks and water.....I remember that first week dropping her off at daycare. It was tough, I was really concerned and I was sad she had to go there. Now, I couldn't imagine anything different. I love that she goes to daycare and is surrounded by other kids. She has so much more fun and learns more then I could ever teach her at home. Yeah, the colds here and there stink and the other stuff that gets passed around...(winters are tough) but the overall experience she is getting will prepare her for her future and onto real school one day. I still have my worries...if they're offering her water enough with her sippy cup, is she safe, etc.. but for the most part I have learned to ask the questions and so far, we have been pretty pleased since moving to this new classroom. Hard to believe Elle is now the oldest in her room. Seems like yesterday, in January, when she was the youngest. The fears I had about the bottle transition, real food and napping on a strict schedule.....and now she is doing just fine with all of it.

Elle and I will head back to MI this weekend so I can meet ted up at the lake to open up my parent's place in Harrison. It's that time again and we want to have it ready for May as Ted is hosting his brother's bachelor party up there. We've been throwing around ideas of something we could do to honor my parents up there...and planting a tree wasn't good enough. So, with the help of our best friend Josh, the boys are building onto my Dad's current boat dock and adding about 12 feet so we can turn it into a sitting place. I envision a place we can sit together and get some sun, drink a beer, and to remember how much my parents enjoyed hosting their family and friends up at the lake. They were stress-free when up there. It was something about the air. I wish I had gotten up there more the last few years, they loved it when we all got up there. I'm looking forward to this new addition to the house and I have ordered a cedar plaque that is pictured above that will be proudly mounted on the dock once completed. It will continue to be heartbreaking for me to be up there without them-especially when I see this sign with their names on it. We're kids trying to run this place and we all just miss them so much and we're so aware they're missing. It's so quiet and I still get shocked when I am up there and close my eyes and realize, wow, they are gone and they left this place behind. They only got to enjoy it for 10 years. Dad never got to build his dream basement as he was planning to do......so much left in life they wanted to do, see and complete. I'll head up there tomorrow to clean, dust and organize...get the towels and linens washed and enjoy some wine by the fire with the boys. Elle will enjoy a night back in MI with Gramma Close.....I am sure she has new clothes and new toys waiting....

Melissa

ZOO

The cycle continues and as I was on my walk with Elle this morning on this very beautiful day, I couldn't believe just two years ago, my parents were laid to rest.

 2 caskets. It was such a blur, I was in shock the entire time, actually, for the first two weeks. I shed very little tears that first week. I couldn't. It wasn't real yet. When I first walked in and saw my parents lying in caskets, I was hysterical but in a could barely breathe kind of way. It was so incredibly surreal to see your parents in that condition when you just spoke to them days earlier and they were happy and life was normal. I remember every detail of the day of the funeral. I was incredibly nervous and my stomach was very upset, I was shaking. I would not cry at the funeral and while I didn't write one note to rehearse my eulogy, it came out fine. I mean, c'mon, how can you possibly sum up in 5 minutes what your parents meant to you and your family when I couldn't have felt a knife go through my chest at that point. It went okay. The real sadness came on the way back to Cincinnati after I simply left all the troubles behind in Allen Park. Two weeks later I was driving down Edwards and about to turn onto 71 south and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was screaming Mommy and balling hysterical for a good 15 minutes. I actually could feel the sadness, I could feel the pit in my stomach and then it all began........the constant missing them and here we are today, still missing them just as much, but I have learned how to cope with the sadness. I will say that is the only difference. I'm still learning though....I don't cope well with certain things and I am seeing another therapist very soon. But I will set my expectations very low.....and I know with all of my heart that anyone I personally know would be handling this huge loss very similar to me. It's hard. I'm tired of being sad and moping around and thinking of how my parents died. It's so draining to miss two people so badly and to think how badly they would want to be here to see us, meet Elle and to watch their Aydan grow.  They are missing out and it kills me. I think that is why I am so sensitive about everything cause I think, oh my gosh, my folks would love more then anything to be here today. 

I knew I had to do something today outside of shopping and my normal walks with Elle (and cleaning and organizing).....we decided to get a Summer pass to the Cincinnati Zoo and try it out for the first time. Elle enjoyed herself and loved calling all of the new animals, "dogs". Everything is a Gracie to her. She sure is growing fast and laughs really loud ...and kisses us (puckers up and everything), hugs and kisses Gracie and loves stuffed animals......I am sure I will say this again, but Ted and I both agree, 14 months is our favorite stage thus far. (and she like sleeps and stuff....which allows us to drink wine on our porch and have our neighbors come over for a chat). Love it. 

Rest in peace Mom and Dad.......we love you so much and miss the fun you would bring to any room, any occasion. 

2 years gone by

A lot of tears were cried today as I relived this nightmare that happened to my family, my beautiful parents, two years ago.... I stayed home today. My manager was really supportive about it. I may never go into that office again on this day. I keep my spirits up at work even when I'm down but on the actual day, there's no faking it. I am 100% devastated. Every day this tragedy effects me in someway and I think about my Mom and Dad every hour. Whether it's wanting to call my Mom at work to chat, or to tell her about something new Elle has done or to call her when I am having a bad day to complain. I miss them visiting Cincinnati. It breaks my heart so much. 

I met my manager for a glass of wine and to toast my folks, I went for a run, read through the thoughtful words on facebook regarding my parents and their memory. I loved hearing from some of my Parent's friends from the lake. They knew my parents since before I was born. They are missed by so many. I thought of my brother today and how he might be facing the day. We ALL miss them terribly and it continues to be challenging facing the world without them. I feel like we're all still so young and need their guidance, even if I am 30 years old. I need my Mom and Dad and I sure know my sister and brother need them too. 

I so appreciate the words I've received, phone calls, text messages, posts on facebook, emails (even from strangers who think of my family and read this blog), and for the flowers. I also deeply thank the people out there who aren't afraid to say something and have committed to being a life long friend/family member and supporter after dealing with such a tragic loss. It's the people that continue to stick by you, not just today, and help you keep their memory alive is who I want to surround myself with for the rest of my life.  Yeah, you're feelings get hurt. You have expectations that will never be met but I am greatfull for the special people that have helped me get through these two years.....especially Ted and now my daughter...

 

My parents were really good people and there's a lot of people who loved them out there and I know for fact today and for many years to come,  they'll be missing my Mom and Dad. 

Today is a tough day, this week is even tougher and this month doesn't get any better....and nothing I want to do to honor their lives ever seems good enough. But I'm working on a project I will hopefully be able to share in a few months and Ted has plans later this month to start adding to my Dad's current boat dock and making it a dock where we can gather, sit and hang out, in their honor....we're doing the best we can. 

In loving memory of my amazing parents who died so tragically, so young and I continue to be heartbroken but no one can ever take the memories away that our family and friends have shared with you. You remain in our hearts every day. I love and miss you so much. 

To all of our family and friends, thanks for continuing to come along on this journey of healing with my Sister and I and remembering my Mom and Dad...always and forever. 

Melissa

Goodbye, Brandy

She wasn't just any dog, she was my parent's dog. Brandy lived a great, spoiled life. There is no question about that....and her time was up, heck, she was almost 13 years old. But it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

This week....the week leading up to my parents death, which is tomorrow. 2 years they have been gone. Brandy was their baby and was there that day, sitting on the porch, loving life, watching the cars go by and enjoying the warmer weather. I'm sure Dad took her on the classic 5 minute walk that day.

Brandy loved the lake more then anything. Yeah, mom had to give her tranquilizers just to make it through the drive but once she was at the lake, she was in heaven. The first trip we made up to the lake after my parents death, Brandy sat on the end of the doc and stared for a good hour. She knew they were missing. I think she too was looking for peace...or waiting for my Mom and Dad to appear on the dock and take her for a spin around Half moon lake, she loved the boat. I still can't believe she was there that day. She saw it all. I can only imagine how frightened she was. The loud noise and seeing my parents, her owners, on the ground. Lifeless. It's a devastating picture to imagine. This has all just been one big nightmare and while I am trying to think maybe this is a sign that they were ready for Brandy and wanted the burden lifted from my Sister, it's hard to think that way. Who knows but I'm sad that it happened this week......terrible timing........dogs bring us a lot of joy, they die, we understand this. But this dog had a bigger meaning behind her. She was mom and dad's dog.....

We'll miss you stinky spoiled dog. Oh how my Mother would be crying her eyes out today and for many days to come. Now my Sister is left with more sadness.......

Goodbye to another piece of our family, childhood and memories of my parents life.

Easter 2010

The sadness and pain will never go away; thank god for my little family. 

I cried and smiled and loved having family to our home, oh how they would have enjoyed this weekend. 

My favorite memories of this weekend....in no particular order

• Easter egg hunt for Aydan and Elle, Aydan won of course. He has such an eye for eggs filled with money
• My Aunt and Uncle arriving and making it up our narrow driveway (without scrapping this time) and unloading everything-- but the kitchen sink. As us polish say, if you don't have leftovers then we didn't make enough 
• My nephew arriving with my Sister and Matt late Friday night and seeing how excited he was to have the upstairs room....Ted hooks up play station for him.
• Getting fitted for new running shoes with my Uncle at a running shoe boutique we are fond of; he treated again......I committed to at minimum a mile a day. I can do this. Thanks again....
• Watching my Aunt take over the kitchen; reminded me of Dad. (except she doesn't yell to get out of the kitchen, she just asks for things that I don't have...like a tablespoon 
• Dinnertime Saturday night, I took a deep breathe.....they weren't here again...we miss them so much......
• Talking with my Aunt...she is one of very few people that knows how I really feel. She's worried. We're both such worriers anyway. There were some tears...
• Seeing Elle and Aydan's faces as they walked into the dining room to the covered table filled with Easter baskets, gifts and treats. My Sister goes overboard on Easter (like my Mom did for us as children growing up..) and my Aunt, well, Easter is her most favorite Holiday. 
• Taking a few mile walk with Elle and my Aunt Saturday morning and then my walk with Ted and Elle on Sunday.....I love long walks; my Aunt and I did hills though...it was a nice workout
• Ending my evening talking with one of my most wonderful friends on skype; she got a kick out of miss Elle....I so appreciate her thinking of me; sorry again for the voicemail with tears

I am thankful we have family that took time out of their busy life to make the drive and to be with us. It's an even tougher time of the year for my Family; I loved having them here...but I still end Easter Sunday with a sad heart but I know Elle enjoyed her weekend very much....and I think everyone else enjoyed themselves. 

Happy Easter Mom and Dad, we miss you so much and we will never forget spending Easter with your smiling faces two years ago. It will remain in our hearts forever.....

All my love, 

Melissa

Hyde Park square

April makes me even more sad.....but we smiled as we were out to dinner tonight with Elle Bell. We went to Arthurs, where my dad liked to go as his "local spot". We also shared dinner with my Parents here on their last  visit to Cincinnati .... It was 80 and sunny and Elle really enjoyed people watching and the little bit of ice cream Daddy shared with her after dinner. 

Looking forward to seeing my Family Friday evening and to simply have family around us...