first walk

A friend and past neighbor to my Parents, sent me a card and adorable gifts for Elle today. The most special part was what was written in the card.  A few words from her...

"Melissa, I want to share with you how your Mom and I began our friendship. I was pregnant with Adam and we would chat here and there, wave and yell across the street but we were not close at that time. After Adam was born, your Mom came over with some little thoughtful things and I thought to myself what a wonderful person she was to go out of her way for a neighbor. As time went on, we grew closer and closer. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with Alex, she was the first person I called! Your Dad would run over and yell at me when he saw me carrying packages from the car. He would take the packages in the house mumbling why are you doing this. Leave it for your husband. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them. " 

There were additional words of congratulations and how my parents will always be with me but I especially loved the story that she shared with me. It's just a little glimpse as to the type of neighbors my parents were. They loved their neighbors and became best friends with this Family, my Mom ended up babysitting her kids. And when this family moved out of this house, my parents became best friends with the new neighbors, and ended up being the maid of honor and best man in their wedding only a few years ago. That doesn't happen at their age. But they were that special. 

Thank you Sue for sharing your story and for thinking of my Family and I.  I think of them every day too. 

Elle and I went on our first walk today! The snow hasn't yet melted but we gave it our best shot. It only lasted about 15 minutes but getting fresh air and a little exercise was just what I needed. We are expecting a visitor tonight, one of my best friends Melissa. Looking forward to having her meet Elle. Her and I are going to get massages tomorrow and we'll hopefully have a nice glass of wine at some point. Hopefully Elle sleeps well tonight. She did really well last night. I got at least 5 hours of sleep on and off but was still up every 2-3 hours to feed her.

Every day is a blessing to spend with Elle and I cannot wait to take her on this adventure of my new life. 

10 months

It's hard to believe here we are into February already. 10 months have passed by since Mom and Dad died and in 2 short months, it will already be a year. I dread that day. I can already picture exactly what I was doing that day when I first found out. I had just gotten back from a mid day ice cream run with the office. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful April day, unseasonably warm. Then bam, with one phone call...my life was changed forever.

They have missed so much over the past 10 months, our 5 year anniversary, Aydan's 5th birthday.....the announcement that I was expecting (although had they been alive, who knows if I would have Elle right now, which is a strange thought), the baby shower, Thanksgiving and then of course, Christmas. All of these events were not the same without them and they were sorely missed for each and every one of them. I cannot fully explain what it's like these days without them. It's a constant sadness that they're not here but mainly for me, a sense of loneliness. I know longer have "that person" to call for everything and anything and really, for nothing at all. Mom was the best, always had an ear to lend for my complaining. I feel badly looking back that I never stopped and asked her how she was doing. But I know that is what Motherhood is all about. Once they're born, it's never about YOU anymore.
Seeing how much Ted and I love Elle already, I think I finally understand how much my parents loved us and no matter what we did, the unconditional love they had for us is what parenthood is really all about.
Her voice, smiles and laughter are missed so terribly and my Dad's smart ass remarks have left me wanting to hear them one last time.

I feel most sad for my Sister and Aydan. Christina isn't married, she doesn't have an entire family of her own yet. I know how lost she must feel. She will come out of this a stronger individual but the road thus far has been a challenge. I'm still amazed at her capacity in which she is able to handle. The house, the details, seeing Mom, court, Justin..........all must heavily weigh on her. And to this day, I still don't ask many questions. I cannot come to terms with the truth, whatever the truth is, maybe I already know it and I twist things up in my head that our worse then what actually happened. I must believe for myself that she was in no pain and in shock and never fully realized what really happened. If she knew Justin did this and that her girls would be left alone, breaks my heart entirely.

Motherhood has been going really well Mom and Dad. You would be proud of me- breastfeeding is going great and I'm even changing dirty diapers, a ton of them.......I could use some more sleep as Elle is still a day sleeper, but those few hours I am getting allow me to function. It's crazy how your body adjusts as I used to need 8 hours minimum to function properly at work. We are still snowed in pretty much so I am really looking forward to getting outside with her, hopefully this weekend will be her first walk. I am craving exercise and I cannot wait to get back into it. I already have our walk mapped out for March for every day...and it leads to a Starbucks. I wish so badly you were here to meet and hold her and most of all to be able to visit us. You're missed constantly.

visitors!

For all I have lost in losing my wonderful parents, I'm amazed at what wonderful family and friends I really do still have here on Earth. It doesn't take away the sadness, the nightmares and the constant wishing they were still here but having amazing relationships with everyone else has helped me tremendously throughout this grieving process. 

This weekend one of our best friends Josh came down for a visit and brought with him one of my best girl pals, Reagan. I had my first post pregnancy full glass of wine, Josh cooked us gourmet Pizza's AND cleaned my entire kitchen! We just relaxed all weekend, they held the baby, Ray and I made a trip to Target for more diapers and wipes. Definitely not the weekend filled with nice restaurants and drinking like they have been in the past, but that is when you know you have true friends. They come down just to sit around with you and hold the baby. 

After my parents passed, my family and friends took generosity to whole new level...sending cards, flowers, gifts, notes....calling more frequently...it was really appreciated. Now with the baby, I have once again been blown away by all of the love and support we have received. For the first two weeks of her life, Elle has received something almost daily! A beautiful card, a cuddly blanket, a good book, a cute dress, beautiful flowers.......it's really so wonderful to know people are thinking of us and are just as excited about the arrival as Elle as we are. 

There is not a day that goes by or even a few hours that I'm not thinking of you. I hope you continue to give us guidance and strength and are still coming along on our new journey of life....

Elle Patricia

I think you would find it both special and funny on why we named our daughter ELLE . 

Funny first....you and Dad know Reese Witherspoon is my all time favorite actress but naming her Reese was taking it a bit too far. So instead I went with one of my favorite characters that Reese has played, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. Ted liked the name and we never had many other options or choices then Elle. A few weeks later I was at a book store and opened up a baby name book. I immediately went to Elle and when it said it was short for Eleanor, I knew it was meant to be. 

Eleanor was Grandma's name. She was a very special person who suffered from MS and lived almost 1/2 her life in a wheelchair, all while being a wonderful Mother to three children. She didn't even have movement in her hands for as long as i knew her- I got to feed her desserts when we would visit. She loved desserts. 

And there's really not a story to tell about her middle name. Patricia says it all. You were everything to me and there was no question what her middle name would be. If she could just have the same love for family, friends and fun that you had......I think she'd turn out just fine.

I get really sad to think I won't have the memories with Elle and the both of you. Your parents were so involved with your life and even more when we came along. Your parents would come up north with us, spent all Holidays and Birthdays together and always, always visited Grandpa and Grandma Olszowy on Sunday after church.  I'm going to miss sharing all the that the future holds for our family. I really never imagined life without you, Dad and Justin. 

Elle turned a week and 2  days old today! We got pounded with snow so unfortunately her Doctors appointment was cancelled so we couldn't see if she gained any weight. And I have slept the last two nights! When I say sleep, I mean 2-3 hours in between feedings, but I feel like a million bucks compared to the 1st week. I was so exhausted....I missed my Mom and I was a little bummed Gracie wasn't adjusting that well to Elle. But we are doing much better now and our little family is coming together quite nicely. Little Elle is sitting on my lap right now as I type. Hopefully when she is older, she can one day read these posts. For now, I'll tell her a little bit about my story....

We're on our own...

It sure was nice to come home to a stocked refrigerator, all of our laundry washed, house cleaned, cupboards organized and of course help and company as we started this journey of parenthood....Ted's Mom stayed with us until today after the birth of Elle. As she was leaving, I think we all realized how priceless this week has been. She got to greet us as Ted and I entered the house for the very first time with Elle, she got to help bathe her for the very first time, she even stayed up with me each and every night with Elle and even allowed me to get a few hours of sleep while she stayed awake with her. She went to Elle's first doctors appointment and first trip to Target (they stayed in the car and napped while Ted and I shopped). 

Mom Close was crying as the end of her stay (for now) came to a close. Trust me, we were all really, really sad to see her go but then I also think of how lucky she is and how sad I am that my Mom and Dad don't get to share these priceless moments with Elle. It breaks my heart because both my Mom and Ted's Mom would have been amazing together here this week. They're both so helpful, laid back and funny. She is lucky, we are lucky, Elle is lucky--I am certain she will have an amazing bond with her Grandma Close and I only can hope, spiritually with Grandma Olszowy. 

Christina arrived on Friday. You should have seen her eyes as she first walked in and saw Elle for the first time. Aunt Christina fell in love instantly and they are sure to have a very special relationship for the rest of their lives. 

We're learning each and every day..every minute, actually. Sleep is a foreign word but this entire process is a pretty amazing experience. It's not easy though and I so appreciate my Mother and other Mother's even more now. 

I love you Mom and Dad and wish you were here. Elle is really something. 

Blessed from above

You should see her Mom and Dad......she's beautiful! She has the polish nose! 

Elle Patricia Close entered the world on January 19th (she shares her birthday with her Uncle Tommy) at 11:12 am. Elle was quite the petite princess weighing 6 lbs 4 ounces and 19 & 3/4 inches long. She currently has brown hair and blue eyes! Just like Mom. 

It was pretty amazing and I had a really quick labor. I was at home feeling contractions for only an hour and before I knew it, we were at the hospital being admitted...the pain was very high but the rest of the labor was actually very enjoyable with the help of an epidural. Sorry Mom, was not as strong as you. But I was incredibly alert and had feeling in my legs and had no side effects afterward. 

Elle is healthy, just trying to grow and get the hang of this eating thing. She's adjusting well to the world but Ted and I are pretty tired. We are so lucky to have Ted's Mom down here, I know you wanted to be here too......she has been so helpful. She lets me take naps in between feedings and watches Elle, she cooks dinner and helps with the cleaning. She has helped me give Elle her first bath today and enjoys changing her into new outfits. 

We all asked for your guidance, love and support as I was preparing for labor. I truly believe you and Dad gave me this wonderful gift of life and a very good pregnancy.....

I asked for a sign that you guys would be there through this but wasn't certain I would get one. 

Ted and I got admitted into the labor and delivery room and after a few hours, I met the nurse that would be my side through the entire labor. And that Nurse's name......was Patricia. 

That was my sign....and that was I all needed as hard as it still was not sharing this directly with you. 

Ted and I are so lucky and we love our little Elle and cannot wait for all of our wonderful family and friends to meet her. 

Another weekend to ourselves

So we thought last weekend was it. One last final weekend of fun dinners with friends, sleeping in late, having the house on 65 degrees, and relaxation. But, it's still just Ted, Gracie and I. 

We thought for certain she was coming yesterday possibly today... but we were wrong. 

We ended up making reservations for a nice dinner in Hyde Park Square at RED tonight. Normally, we would walk but with it being only a few degrees, we drove and parked valet (which normally, I'll save the $10...).  I love our neighborhood and the fact that with a 5 minute walk you can be at a casual bar, a really nice restaurant, shopping or an awesome local ice cream shop.  I don't think any place will ever live up to my Dad's favorite town we lived in which was Plymouth, MA. We lived a few blocks from the Ocean, this was my Dad's vacation town. Cabby Shack was his place.  But he ended up really liking this new area, just wouldn't admit he was in Ohio (Buckeye territory). Dad found his way no matter where he was. 

I had an awesome meal this evening (Filet....ended with a flour-less chocolate cake...) and Ted and I were talking as he grabbed a drink at the bar and I a club soda, how tonight would NOT be a good night for labor, considering what I just ate. Sorry, had to throw that in there. My Dad's saying right now. yuck yuck,...plugging his ears. Mom's laughing. 

These last few days have been pretty good. We're so occupied with the anticipation and arrival of the little one. It's when you stop yourself and think and look at pictures and reminisce about THEM!  They were everything to us, so special. so young, such great people. "my parents!!" What I would give to call my Mom and Dad right now... 

They would be here already. They were retired. I'd just say, "please come down". M Dad would bitch about the gas prices, then be down before I was home from work.  They were easy. 

Ted and I were talking at dinner how we're not really nervous...we're just going to "go with the flow". We both said after last year, you feel like you can make it through anything.  I wish so much we never had to experience the tragedy that we did and that my Parents were still here and that my Brother was not placed in some forensics center, but the one positive, in addition to the pregnancy, was testing my inner strength. No one knows what type of person they truly are until you face something that changes your entire life.  It honestly takes everything you have to keep going and only the strong survive. I am blessed to be one of these people. Although, I'm still figuring it out. Trust me, I am not to the point where I can 100% say and believe that, "I am so strong, I can handle anything"......you just sometimes feel that way given what you've been through. 

I pray for strength  for my Sister, Aydan and Justin too.  For Aydan only being 5, he remembers everything and still prays to them each and every night. He questions everything now about Heaven and God and I know he misses them just as we all do. I am so sorry he had to lose them too.