To the best DAD in the world

I am dreading the approach of Father's Day therefore I would like to wish you Happy Father's Day today. Like Mother's Day, every single advertisement is in full force over the past several weeks. Sunday will be another difficult day to get through, but let's first remember last year.

Ted and I headed over from The Close's house last Father's Day. We arrived to Mom's new brochetta that she tried for the first time. To our surprise, it was delicious. Mom-you were getting really good at appetizers since Dad continued to focus on the main meals. Ted and Mr. Close had built a set of cornhole boxes for Dad in the theme of the "Detroit Lions". Ted carried them out from the car and we had Dad wait inside. When I told him to come out, he beamed with excitment! The fact that they were homemade from his Son-in-law and that it featured his favorite team, made Dad so happy.

Then we went inside and gave Dad some grilling stuff from William Sonoma and a Burger Cook Book. Dad said his favorite line, "you shouldn't have" and "you're way too good to me".

No Dad. You were too good to me. To Ted. To everyone. You were just that good.

I didn't tell you enough but I pray you can here me now. You were the best Dad in the World and I will be forever thankful for having you in my life. I know I put gray hair on your head and caused you some stress through the years, but I am confident you were proud of who I've become and I know you will continue to watch down on Ted, Christina, Aydan and I as we live through life without you.

We will be visiting your resting spot on Sunday. Let's talk then.

We love and miss you always,

Your kids

That's what friends are for

Chicago was a great time. It was incredible to have that many of my closest friends together for an entire weekend. I had bracelets made for everyone to wear, "Remember Pat & Jerome, always and forever". I also put together a CD mix to give in honor of your remembrance. There were songs such as, I will remember you by Sarah McLaughlin, So Small by Carrie Underwood, Sweet Melissa by the Allman Brothers and several others that were either yours or my favorite songs or just songs that made me think of you and friendship.

We danced. sipped champagne. ate some great meals. did a little shopping on Michigan Ave. and laughed a lot.........these girls are one of a kind!

The loneliness I feel will probably never fully go away, but knowing that I have so many friends that would be here in a heartbeat for me, is a feeling unexplainable. Not everyone is blessed with wonderful parents AND wonderful friends. But I was.

Your love for life continues on....

The windy city

Like Frank Sinatra sings, Chicago is my kind of town. Our life has changed tremendously over the past two months but I am excited to say, this weekend I have a girls weekend to attend. A girls weekend that I need now more than ever. I am headed to Chicago to be greeted by over 12 of my closest friends. They are coming from all over. Arizona, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Illinois, and Cincinnati.

The pain is never too far away but I need to allow myself to have some fun with the girls. Chicago is my most favorite city and there are fabulous restaurants, tremendous amounts of shopping and remains a city that will always be close to my heart because I lived there right out of College. You both came down a few times while I lived there. I remember having a family BBQ at our apartment and Nicky and I had one problem. No grill and not enough silverware. We somehow managed it to work after we bought one of those little beach type grills and Dad stayed close by as he cooked chicken which ended up taking hours given the size of the grill. You liked Chicago until after I moved, the parking tickets continued to come in....I apologize for doing that. I know you ended up paying some of them.

As I go to bed tonight I feel tremendous sorrow that I cannot pick up the phone to call you but am feeling very lucky to have an upcoming weekend with my friends. I would like to honor this weekend to Chicago in your name. Let us spend the weekend like you both would and that is having fun.

I pray,

I pray that I will one day find peace in knowing you are together in a wonderful place.
I pray that you felt no pain.
I pray that you can still look down on us and see us from time to time.
I pray for Justin and that he one day finds peace and is granted forgiveness.
I pray Christina and I will still live a happy life while remembering you every step of the way.
I pray Aydan does not have sadness in his life because he know longer has you in his life but that he never forgets the years he had with you and what amazing grandparents you were.
I pray your siblings and your Fathers, our grandfathers remain very close to Christina and I and continue to share more stories about your youth. Boy, Did Grandpa share a funny one of you Mom over Memorial day! I am sure there are plenty more.
I pray your close friends never forget your loving, kind, smiling faces and that they will keep in touch with Christina and I. I know you would want nothing more than for us to continue the friendships.
I pray The Close family continues to be by our sides and helps continue family traditions and making memories with Christina and I.
I pray I can one day help someone that goes through the loss of a loved one or a tragedy.
I pray I can one day spread awareness on Mental Illness to prevent something so unthinkable from every happening again.
I pray my friends remain my close friends until the very end. I look at the amount of friends you had in your life at the age of 50 so I know this is possible.
I pray Ted and I can be loving, supportive, fun, adventurous, family-oriented parents like you were.
I pray you knew how much you were loved so deeply by so many.
I pray you know how missed you are every single day.
I pray that through this tragedy and the special gifts you have left many of us, that it changes people and makes them live their life a little better, a little nicer, and brings them a little closer to their family.
I pray my jealousy of people who have parents will stop. Because I did have amazing parents that many people in this World would only dream of having.

I pray, my beloved Mommy and Dad that you will one day greet me with open arms. I cannot wait to see you again. Until then, I hope Heaven is everything we believe, hope, and wish that it is....

Daily routine

Who would have thought simple, every day tasks could one day be difficult to complete?

It's been nearly two months since everything has occurred and I have been grocery shopping one time. Ted has cooked dinner maybe twice as we've opted to eat out (we met friends for Burger madness tonight-a classic in Hyde Park square, yes at one of your favorite establishments-Aurthur's). I have not watched an ounce of TV except when flying back from St. John there were a few comedy shows on that I could watch (yes, I missed the entire Season of Grey's Anatomy which is my most favorite show in the world and Mom's too....). I couldn't imagine watching a show that shows people dying or sick. I couldn't listen to music until a few weeks ago. I am not sure what I am afraid of. Well, I mean, partially it is due to the fact that I will cry. Heck, I used to cry at commercials, sad songs and movies prior to this happening and I am only becoming an even more emotional person through this. I also have slipped on my house cleaning, which is a big one for me. You could generally eat off my wood floors, but at this point...I would recommend flip flops when walking on them. I've considered hiring a cleaning service, and even someone to do the yard work to take some of the weight off with traveling back & forth from MI and simply not having the motivation after work. But then I think of how you both would not want Ted and I spending our money on that. I actually used to love cleaning and never would have fully considered a cleaning service. It's not like I have 5 bathrooms or 3 dogs and 3 children making a huge mess. Although you would be surprised what 2 people and a Bulldog can do. And one last thing I have given up on over the last two months.....the gym. (The entire month of March, Julie and I went at least 3 times a week consistently).

I look forward to the day that going to work, working out, watching my favorite sitcoms, searching CNN, scrubbing floors, grocery shopping, organizing my drawers and catching up on laundry doesn't seem like the largest task to overcome! Tell me these are normal things and I must continue them as I did before this. And PS- your Son-in-law has not stopped working out or watching TV or doing his daily tasks. Men. How do they bounce back so quickly? Probably because they have no choice but to be strong for us girls.

Missing your smiling faces, your voice and having your non-judgemental listening ears.....how did you put up with me? I recall all of the phone calls I would place to you (sometimes even 3 x's a day) and you would actually say to me, "I knew it was you" or "now what do you want?" or "it's you again?" or "yes, Melissa?" or Dad's famous conversation, "I'm cooking dinner, what do you want? I'm busy". He was half joking, half serious but I know deep down you both loved my annoying phone calls or at least partially loved them.......

Please tell me I will look like that...

Mom looked exceptionally young for her age and boy did she enjoy to hear it! The best compliment you could say to her would be, "no way, you have a 28 year old daughter? That cannot be possible!".

Mom, I wish I told you more often, you were always really beautiful. You were especially beautiful on my wedding day. I didn't think it was possible for someone to look more beautiful then the bride on her wedding day, but you did just that.

Can anyone tell who Mom is in the picture? She blends right in!

And Mom, Chris and I at the rehearsal dinner........again, she was looking fabulous as ever.

Grief

"Grief is itself a medicine." -William Cowper

Suffering such a tremendous loss in such a tragic way can lead one to a depressed state of mind. In fact, if we don't allow ourselves to cope with a loss and go through the grieving process, we can suffer in the long run.

One thing I am having difficulty with is the fact that there is this so called "process" I should be following over loosing you both. There's shock, then feeling, then anger then comfort. And then am I expected to bounce back to normal and say OK, "I have gone through the process; my parents are gone, my brother is in jail and I cannot protect him but I have went through the grieving process therefore I can now live my life"?

I hope I am not sounding bitter but unless someone was to share with me their experience in a exact tragedy in this exact way and how this process worked for them, I find it difficult in following the grieving process because how can "the process" be the same for everyone? (let's see how many times Melissa can use the the word, process. )

As hard as it is to ever imagine moving on, I do hope I am at least moving in the right direction. From the little I have read about grief, I do know that denial is not healthy. I thought for a while I was in denial because I would not go to your home to help Christina sort through your things. She had to suffer walking in and seeing how everything was left. The steaks marinating in the fridge, the shower gift left on the table and your laundry left in the washer. Instead, I ran home to Cincinnati and reached out to other family to help her at the house. I couldn't fathom going over there and frankly, still cannot bring myself to do it. I want to though because I here the house looks amazing with all of the blood, sweat and tears Matt, Ted and other family members have put into getting the house ready to sell.

I also never saw you until the funeral-not that i had a choice as we had a 4 hour drive from Cincinnati and you were both gone before we got there. I almost chose to have a closed casket because I could not come to grips with seeing you any other way then your smiling, beautiful faces. Christina got to see you Mom, right after you passed. I never asked her any questions about this moment. I fear this is part of my denial, but I cannot bear to hear how you looked or imagine the pain she felt as she walked into the hospital room as you were pronounced dead. I couldn't have done it. Dad was immediately taken to the medical examiners office, where Mom ended up too, where Ted eventually had to identify your bodies, which is simply a procedure. Something I could have never in a million years done. All he said was, "they looked peaceful".

I ask that you and God watch over Christina even closer then me and give her additional strength to eventually live a happy, fulfilled life. I feel through these past almost two months, she has faced more of these difficult times and pray they do not make her grieving process even harder than the rest of us.

I do believe you would want us to "move on" but that statement becomes increasingly difficult when I think of the future. Will I ever be sooo excited again about our new home or sooo excited about my promotion or sooo excited about having our 1st child or sooo excited about the Holidays?? Prior to this happening I was sooo excited about a lot of things, that was my nature. Will I ever get that back? I loved sharing my excitement with my parents.

One thing that does already bring me to some kind of peace is that you are together. Pat&Jerome as they always were are still together...........forever....