Grief

"Grief is itself a medicine." -William Cowper

Suffering such a tremendous loss in such a tragic way can lead one to a depressed state of mind. In fact, if we don't allow ourselves to cope with a loss and go through the grieving process, we can suffer in the long run.

One thing I am having difficulty with is the fact that there is this so called "process" I should be following over loosing you both. There's shock, then feeling, then anger then comfort. And then am I expected to bounce back to normal and say OK, "I have gone through the process; my parents are gone, my brother is in jail and I cannot protect him but I have went through the grieving process therefore I can now live my life"?

I hope I am not sounding bitter but unless someone was to share with me their experience in a exact tragedy in this exact way and how this process worked for them, I find it difficult in following the grieving process because how can "the process" be the same for everyone? (let's see how many times Melissa can use the the word, process. )

As hard as it is to ever imagine moving on, I do hope I am at least moving in the right direction. From the little I have read about grief, I do know that denial is not healthy. I thought for a while I was in denial because I would not go to your home to help Christina sort through your things. She had to suffer walking in and seeing how everything was left. The steaks marinating in the fridge, the shower gift left on the table and your laundry left in the washer. Instead, I ran home to Cincinnati and reached out to other family to help her at the house. I couldn't fathom going over there and frankly, still cannot bring myself to do it. I want to though because I here the house looks amazing with all of the blood, sweat and tears Matt, Ted and other family members have put into getting the house ready to sell.

I also never saw you until the funeral-not that i had a choice as we had a 4 hour drive from Cincinnati and you were both gone before we got there. I almost chose to have a closed casket because I could not come to grips with seeing you any other way then your smiling, beautiful faces. Christina got to see you Mom, right after you passed. I never asked her any questions about this moment. I fear this is part of my denial, but I cannot bear to hear how you looked or imagine the pain she felt as she walked into the hospital room as you were pronounced dead. I couldn't have done it. Dad was immediately taken to the medical examiners office, where Mom ended up too, where Ted eventually had to identify your bodies, which is simply a procedure. Something I could have never in a million years done. All he said was, "they looked peaceful".

I ask that you and God watch over Christina even closer then me and give her additional strength to eventually live a happy, fulfilled life. I feel through these past almost two months, she has faced more of these difficult times and pray they do not make her grieving process even harder than the rest of us.

I do believe you would want us to "move on" but that statement becomes increasingly difficult when I think of the future. Will I ever be sooo excited again about our new home or sooo excited about my promotion or sooo excited about having our 1st child or sooo excited about the Holidays?? Prior to this happening I was sooo excited about a lot of things, that was my nature. Will I ever get that back? I loved sharing my excitement with my parents.

One thing that does already bring me to some kind of peace is that you are together. Pat&Jerome as they always were are still together...........forever....