the reunion

I did it Mom and Dad, I did it.

I'd like to protect my brother's privacy so I won't talk a great deal about his condition but he is making a lot of progress and he looked better then I have seen him look in years....he looked so different. I cannot believe I didn't see him for almost three years. I just can't believe it. He was sad, I was beyond heartbroken and Ted and Christina were great supporters during the visit. I hugged my brother, just as I always did. He wrote me a letter and I had to read it before our visit.....the first line read, "I remember you used to always try to hug me when you were home. I miss those times". Because he is medicated properly now, he has no symptoms and it kills me to know that is what caused this tragedy...the weaning off his medications which caused severe paranoia and delusions. It just breaks my heart. I have broke into tears several times each day since Saturday just thinking of that first moment I saw my brother after I turned the corner into the area where we were meeting. It was just like the feeling I got when I turned the corner into the funeral home. Seeing my parents in caskets and seeing my brother after three long years, sitting there, were the two most terrifying things I have ever had to do in my life. I pray to god there is never a third moment like this. I know there are things I don't know about my parents death especially my Mom but I never want to know. Why would knowing where she was shot help me or why she was alive for an hour. But it haunts me.....I know the way they died always will. I just want my Family back. Mom and Dad would be so proud of their son. So proud of his progress and what he is like when the doctor finally got his medications right. He now knows and sees clearly the importance of making friends, having relationships with family, and doing what we most of us would call normal things like grabbing a coffee at Starbucks and clothing shopping at a mall....two things he hopes to do in the near future. Right now all I can offer him are phone calls and a visit every so often. I wish there was more I could do. I want to support my brother in every way possible and be there by his side as he heals and learns to accept what happened and his condition but I can't let myself get too attached or involved. I now he was sick but ultimately, he was the cause of my Parents death. His condition is to blame and its the reason my Parents are not here to meet their grandchildren and watch the only one they knew blossom into a young boy.

My friend wrote to me today and one line in particular stood out to me and made me think...it read, "I know now new feelings and challenges arise, but you have some gift, from God or from your mom and dad (or all) to make you so tough. "

I'm starting to believe that I am tough.....and my Sister is even tougher. But why us? I didn't want to be tough in life....but I know this strength is a gift. I see others in the World crack over the smallest things and our Family has kept going with this pain..... I just thank god my friendships, my beautiful home, my beautiful daughter, my amazing husband, my job, and so much more have all stayed together and strong through this. It could be so much worse.

I told my other girlfriend on the phone today , "I am looking forward to that April vacation more then you will ever know".

Yet in this strange way, I am feeling guilty as I get to do these incredible things each year as my brother wants nothing more then freedom....freedom from the hospital, freedom from this tragedy and freedom from his illness. But as I told him face to face, "I know you look at us with envy because we are free, but I will tell you, these last three years we have felt like we've been in jail in many situations, carrying this tremendous weight of sadness on our shoulders, I hope you understand from our perspective what this has been like".

I will see my brother again.

A month from today......3 years ago......our family was changed forever and my incredible parents left the world. It's really hard to grasp that so much time has passed and in a few months, I will be giving birth to their third grandchild. I so wish they were here.

All of my love and thanks for getting me through this weekend.......and for the additional love and support I am surrounded by.

Melissa