can I really do this?

I don't know if I'm ready for this....I start picturing my Sister, Ted and I sitting in the room when all of sudden my brother walks in. I am so afraid of fainting or all of sudden having a major anxiety attack. If I start thinking enough about it even now, I get myself so incredibly worked up. But I have to help my Sister and go......she is going through so much right now and her life is being flipped up in the air.......I wish so badly this rain cloud would leave my family alone. I wish everyone was financially stable, had support around them, and were all healthy and happy.

I am so fearful that the second I see my brother the intense feelings and emotions of the day my Parents were killed will come crashing back. I can almost guarantee it. He wants us to bring his favorite pizza and pop. He wants us to all eat. I will throw up if I eat. I don't want a deep therapy session with him. I am so afraid of facing the reality and realness of this. I just want to tell him I know you were sick. We are so happy you are here safe. And just ask him about his health, the facility, etc. I think that's all I can handle. I know he wants me calling more and I know how badly he too needs support and that is why I have to go. I have pushed this off to avoid the real pain of this nightmare. I know I said "I'm not afraid" in my book and its something my Mom, Dad and I always said jokingly, but I am tremendously afraid for this weekend. And now I have to depart for Vegas for a week long high energy national sales meeting.....seeing shows, going to clubs, dinners, meetings.... (while pregnant AND having this in the back of my mind). I'm just worried....I am worried about my Sister, my nephew-my all-star, my brother....and I am already missing my husband and daughter. I also worry about the baby. I hope this little guy isn't being impacted by the stress and the worrying. I'm so sorry buddy. These three years have been so tough yet we still laugh so much and have so much fun....but there is so much "stuff" to worry about. I honestly think most would fail in these shoes. I know this sounds terrible. I don't know why I can keep walking with my head filled high. I have to literally fight it every single day. I understand why some people cannot get out of bed and why some turn to self medication. I actually can understand. Thank god I was given the most amazing gift of strength and I get through it....and have not skipped a beat with living this life......but it has not been easy. I'll need it more then ever this weekend.........watch over us Mom and Dad. I know this is your Son. I love my brother and I miss you, my parents, even more............

I can do this.

Your daughter.