It's a BOY

We are beyond thrilled to be welcoming a BOY in JUNE. We feel blessed to have the opportunity to experience both a girl and a boy and feel they will both carry on the legacy of my Mother and Father. Really special and emotional and I wish they were here to welcome this little guy to the World. They'd be SO proud.

I am half way there and feeling great. Hoping this continues. A lot of travel upcoming for both Ted and I.

With love,

Mommy

baby #2

Wow, here we celebrated Elle's 2nd birthday and now I'm about to leave for my 20 week pregnancy appointment! I will FINALLY have an ultrasound to meet this little one, to see how he/she is progressing and hopefully will find out what we are having! I have to admit with my first one I SO wanted a girl. Everything about my life that had happened- a girl was needed. I was so thankful it was a girl and that she was healthy. I understood even deeper the bond my Mommy and I had. It was something only a few could understand. I think of the joking and laughter her and I shared. It was a different kind of relationship. I miss my Mom and I wish her and Dad were here today as we reveal the sex of THIS baby. I don't care what we have this time around. I would LOVE another girl but LOVE to experience a BOY and to have both would be so perfect. Yes, a girl would be cheaper as I have everything a girl could want!!! BUT, we will be pleased either way as long as they are healthy (and sweet, breastfeed easy and sleep). I'm not asking much, am I?

Ted's Mom came down for Elle's birthday party and stayed with her for a few days so Ted and I could travel for work worry-free. It definitely made traveling and being away so much easier. I didn't have to worry. Sure I worried if she was getting fed too much ice cream or watching too much TV or was going to bed when she should but honestly anytime Elle can spend with her Grandparents or any family and our friends for that matter is priceless and after a few days, she will get back to her routine anyway. And we came home with all of our laundry caught up so that was an added bonus. These last few years have been hard...it's been a struggle adjusting to life, having children, and having Ted's parents as our only Grandparents and parents to share all of this joy with (of course we have other amazing extended family), but when it comes to parents, we have them. It's taken me a long time to accept it and I still have a while to go especially with the emotions that come along with welcoming a new child. I just miss MY parents. They want to be here too and they had such a wonderful relationship with Ted's parents. We'd spend Holidays together, they celebrated retirements together (the last time my Parents were at the Close's and the last time we ever saw them-Mom brought Dad Close a retirement card and gift card to a local pub in Allen Park), came to birthday parties, and I now that would have never changed as it was so important to Ted and I that we spent time with them together. We were lucky, after a few years after we got married, our families really did turn into one. We were lucky and that is why it has been even more painful adjusting to this new way of life. I see other competitive Grandparents, fighting over how much time each get to spend with their grandchild, etc and I am so confident that would have never happen. My parents didn't have it in them. They were SO laid back and the four of them would have been the perfect team of grandparents and support network for Ted and I. I think about it a lot..though I know I cannot change it. But I continue to be proud of Ted and I and how well we do on our own. We have our own life here in Cincinnati.....we have a beautiful home....and have met wonderful friends and continue to enjoy our work. But there is always a piece of me that will continue to miss our old life as nothing can replace the feeling I got with sharing my "good" life with my parents. I know how proud they were of me as they rolled their eyes at whatever I was sharing/bragging at any given moment.

Elle Belle turns 2!

Two years ago this morning, I held my daughter for the first time. Like all Moms probably think, "I cannot believe it has been two years". We've done and saw so much with her, always on the go, seeing new places and people, visiting, watching, learning, listening and even taking time to remember our loved ones at cemetery's. I am proud to say we have exposed her to many things and will continue to do so. I will never forget meeting her for the first time. I was no nervous and didn't want to hold her right away until the nurse cleaned her off and they "inspected" her to make sure she was healthy. I had this fear they would lay her on my chest and she would turn blue. I wanted to be sure she knew how to breathe. I had no idea what I was doing.....so between our wonderful nurse named Patricia which brought instant tears to my eyes and only having Ted's Mom in the waiting room to greet the new arrival, I was a tad heartbroken yet overwhelmingly proud of Ted and I. WE created this miracle and she is a continued legacy and piece of our parents.....even when we are gone, we will live on through her. I learned this once I lost my own parents. Mom and Dad are missed everyday but they can live on through me forever.....

This last year was filled with adventures....she learned how to walk then quickly into running before our eyes...just when you think, "is she EVER going to eat, walk, talk" they are doing it all like they're pros. I remember how excited we were when sign language came along. She picked it up like a champ. We were so impressed and had to pull the manual out here and there to see what the heck she was signing...."ohhh, help, you need help, got it". Then one or two words and all of sudden at two, she can see SO many words and sentences her favorites being, "Elle Belle too, Elle Belle too, I do it, Mommy sit down, I need more milk, I need more snacks, Gracie go potty, Happy Turkey Day...and her favorite show on TV is Special agent OSO and he frequently says, "It's all part of the plan...more or less" and two weeks ago we were driving in the car and I said aloud, "It's all part of the plan" and all of sudden she yells out, "more or less!"...Ted and I were just cracking up. It was so cute and funny. She is a little sponge. I cannot wait to introduce her to her sibling. I know there will be challenges and a transition stage but what a great gift- a sibling to love and watch grow. She'll never be alone. She'll have someone in case something ever happened to Ted and I. I will be forever grateful Mom and Dad gave me a Sister and I just wish my brother's situation didn't end up like it did because in the early years, he was the most adorable little brother. It kills me to think of what happened with him and how much he must miss us and my parents. I still love my brother.

Elle, you were a gift from above and life is challenging, it really is and it breaks your heart at times but I think you will be blessed with strength like Ted and I and we've always had success and opportunity and great friends and lots of love surrounding us.....even in time of great tragedy, we continue to pull through and live our lives the best way we can even when you feel you cannot do it anymore. I wish the same for you. Just know you are always, always loved and we will always be with you. I am telling you now in case we never have this conversation again. A talk I wish I had with my Mom and Dad....

I love you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my firework!

I'm blue...

The cookie monster cake pan that Mom used for me arrived on Saturday from Aunt Lisa. Over 30 years ago, Mom made me this cake and probably scrubbed off blue frosting from my face for hours after just like I had to do years later...with my daughter. But I'm positive we both enjoyed every minute of it.

Man, Mom would have love to seen Elle devour this cake and would find it all so special. Elle's actual birthday isn't until Wednesday but with Daddy traveling and her big girl party at the Gymboree next weekend, we wanted to have an intimate celebration with us and her little neighbor buddy and our good friend, Trey.....

Ted is the ultimate baker....my Mom would be SO impressed and proud. She would always be the one to come to our home (pans and supplies in tow) to make us something yummy. We could now return the favor.

Your week long birthday celebration continues Miss Elle.......there are so many people in Heaven and on Earth, near and far, that love you... and always will!

MOMMY

cookie monster

At last....a full weekend at home to get caught up on life. Although there is still much to do, I feel as though I got a lot of organizing and cleaning done and with our renovations now complete-the fun accessorizing has begun (while trying to keep it kid friendly). For example, we have this large, beautiful armoire in our new kitchen sitting area where there are two leather chairs. We wanted to move this elsewhere but couldn't figure out a space but then a light bulb went off, "duh, we will have two kids as of this June and need storage for toys, diapers, etc, etc, so why not keep it here, it's a beautiful piece and make it functional. That's my theme this year...organization in my life and around the house, making things functional.

We choose the lifestyle of walking to a fun filled square and living in a home with character that's +104 years old but with that comes smaller living space and low amounts of storage and closets....I think my favorite addition to the kitchen is this pull out 8 foot pantry in which I dedicated to "Elle's pantry" with her sippy cups, bowls, and snacks. My Dad would be impressed. I wish they were here to see the house..........

See, with my parents death a part of my life now, I don't fully enjoy things I should. Even this pregnancy, I haven't given it a ton of thought. I know that sounds terrible. So many friends around me are expecting and are in their glory...sure I'm beyond happy to have another child, but i wish I had it in me to be giddy about names (they're already picked out, but still it wasn't this big process, we just knew) and I don't even think to research anything or blow the dust off of any of the pregnancy books I have on my bookshelf. I haven't had an ultrasound yet since everything has been fine and I will have one at 20 weeks but I feel disconnected and I spend most of my time thinking about my immediate family I long to have back for my daughter, my Sister and Aydan. We deserved it, right? I know what some think, "you are bringing new life into this world, they would be so proud, focus on all of the good". Trust me I do, and I am really strong and I have been but some days I get nervous thinking I've been too strong as in this would crush people to the ground if it happened to them and then the emotion of being pregnant (again) and the pressure of facing the person, your brother you love deary, who killed your parents. It's a lot to handle.......but I am "fine", I really am. Just bummed frankly. Bummed that everything else in my life is perfect except for this. Daily, I hear of people's troubles, sadness, complaints, and I think, man, if I just could have my Parents back with all I have now I would be the luckiest girl alive....but I know that's not the way life works. Life is tough and filled with challenges and I guess you can say I was lucky to be 28 before facing anything major but this was life changing and at times I still cannot tell my therapist if I really have faced this or accepted what has happened. I'm just not sure I have.

At times, I can sit there and just picture the moment my Parents were being killed. My Dad was relaxing reading the paper I think, Mom was holding her Dog and probably chatting away. It literally freezes me in time thinking of that day. But when I snap out of it..... I see a beautiful running child calling me "mommy" and squeezing me tightly or watching my supportive husband cook yet another gourmet meal or listening to my Sister tell me that Aydan got another goal or receiving a phone call from a friend regarding an upcoming girls weekend or a fabulous group vacation or looking at my numbers from work and seeing that I'm signficantly outpacing my budget.... and then the baby kicks.....there is still more to life....and my aching heart knows it.

The planning for Miss Elle's 2nd birthday is underway...it will be a small event with a few family members, friends and her little buddies from school and such...the theme is cookie monster which is her obsession. She only wants the cookie monster diapers but Pampers only packs like 3 of them out of 35 diapers or so and she'll keep searching....my Aunt Lisa thinks she has the mold to my 1st birthday cake which happened to be cookie monster. So thrilled my Mom sent it to her and that she may still have it....love this kind of stuff. I'm turning into a sap just like Mom. How quickly things change. I'm the same girl who told my Mom when asked if she could bring down all of my childhood stuff, "no Mom, just throw it away, seriously". She was so offended so she would sneak something to my house each time she would visit, hide it, and I'd find it later....for example, a Christmas musical globe found in my bottom drawer in our guest room or my girl scout vest with all of the patches in my coffee table, or my kindergarten report cards...........now it has special meaning to me with having my own child. Wish I could tell her that....I understand now, Mom. I get it.

a good year

As we drove back from spending almost 10 days in Mi for Christmas, I thought about how bummed I was to have spent another Holiday Season without my family together. Everything is so different now. I felt there were few to visit or to drop by to see our beautiful daughter. Yet I was grateful to spend so much time with my nephew who Elle adores, my Sister and to watch Elle interact with her Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents was especially fun- she had a ball and is just talking up a storm....but I couldn't help but wish my parents could see all of this; Aydan scoring goals, Elle wishing everyone a "happy turkey day" on Christmas morning (she would only say Merry Christmas if you would take her to see the blow up Santa), and me pregnant. I felt sad for my Sister when she came to my in-laws Christmas morning to open with us. We wanted to be heading down to Allen Park to open with Mom and Dad. My brother sent me a very nice, thoughtful Christmas gift this year that was waiting for me when we got home. I know facing him in 2011 will be the most challenging thing I will have to do this year on top of being pregnant and welcoming another child into the world. I am so fearful but I know it is something I must do. I have to face the true reality of this tragedy.....

Ted's parents always put on a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner and we're generous the entire week...the house was always filled with food and drinks and a place to relax. Ted's Mom put Elle down for us pretty much every night so we could hang out or go to the movies or to grab dinner with friends. It was a nice break that was much needed but we were ancy to get back. We're not as busy now with Mom, Dad, Grandpa gone.......there wasn't much running around to break up the trip. I did get the great opportunity to have lunch with all my Mom's 1st cousins, her Aunt and her godchild. They were thrilled and I was equally excited to spend time with my Mom's family who she was close with, let them see Elle and to look through some photo albums of my Family throughout the years. It meant a lot to me that I saw them. I also was really pleased how Christmas dinner went at my Aunt's house...she's had a rough two years and it was just nice to all be together with Grandpa. I cherish Christmas dinner with them.

As were driving, I also reflected on all of the good that happened this year; finding a fabulous therapist, having a healthy Elle for most of the year except for plenty of runny noses and colds, wonderful vacations to Florida to watch Tom and Jess get married and an amazing trip to Hilton Head to see my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful home with our dear friends.....Ted and I also got promotions and raises, we did some renovations to our home to make it more functional and suitable for entertaining, I got to meet my best friend's children-Ben, Mckenna, and Carter

(now awaiting to meet Izzy and Trevor), had my Grandfather down to Cincinnati for the first time, and we also got pregnant.......it was a "good" year despite the deep pain and sadness I know my Sister and I will continue to face. I'm so proud of "us", though. We're true fighters. I know many would fail.....we have weak moments, the Holidays almost put you over the edge and then comes the new year where April is not too far, yet we still move forward and let love, fun, friends and family in to take advantage of all the rest of this life has to offer.

Another year you have missed....but a year that you were constantly in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you can see us today. My life will never be the same without you as a result of this tragic event. It haunts me, there are nightmares. I want you to see me being a Mommy. I'm not too bad.....

All my love and hope for another "good" year........I'm happy to say I know we continue to make you proud. I miss you so much.

Melissa