my live interview to share A Healing Heart

My interview live on Fox 2 news went exactly as I had hoped and prayed about! Almost losing it several times, I kept my composure and talked about grieving, my relationship with my Parents and how inner strength allows me to get out of bed each and every day with such significant loss. I was pleased with the questions, loved the flow of the pictures (not all were played that I submitted and felt bad my Sister wasn't in them) and thought the reporter was so incredibly sweet and sensitive. The second we went off camera, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she just continued to say how sad this was. We were a normal family and even with my brother having some mental illness, he didn't cause any big troubles or drama in our lives. It was the ultimate shock. Although I never talked about it live or even in the book, but I continue to be saddened with all my Sister saw and went through and wish I could have been there with her. I wonder where I would be today if I did see all she saw? I honestly don't think I could have handled seeing my Mother, talking to the police and walking into my childhood home with everything as they left it before they were killed. These are the toughest moments imaginable.

Who knows what's next in store for A healing heart.....but one thing is for certain, my Parents memory will always be alive in the pages of the book and now I can leave this behind for my Family. My own legacy and story to share with my loved ones. Aydan will remember some and how much he misses Gamma and Papa but sadly, Elle will only know them through me, pictures and stories but she too will get a glimpse through the book on how special they were and the meaning of unconditional love. I will miss it for the rest of my life. And no one will ever replace that love or void. I hope others will read and maybe even just for a moment will understand the deep pain and sadness one may feel after such a tremendous loss of loved ones. And maybe they will live better lives because of it and will stop sweating the small stuff and complaining about things that are not life altering. But I know this is hard, we all get caught up in our own lives. I bite my tongue.......but I am not perfect just as I walked into my house full of dust today griping why on Earth did we ever start this project. I am so sick of eating out and Miss Elle misses her steamed spinach........

I thank my friends, family, and the Close family for watching the interview, supporting the book and being together for some fun Saturday evening.......their memory lives on through all of us.

Melissa

pictures from my weekend in Michigan

Ugh....I have to take down the picture Dad hung in my living room and the shelving he put up. I remember griping when he originally did them "They're too high", I complained yet I only trusted my Dad to hang up anything back then. It was his thing.....the two homes we have lived in....he always hung up the pictures, shelves, etc.....I miss having him around and while I am so excited that we are renovating our first floor and will have a big open kitchen and entertaining area, I am saddened I had to take down some of the things they helped us with. And it bums me out the most they won't be here to see it and to enjoy with us. Everything in the house reminds me of Mom and Dad. The Pottery Barn rug in my living room for instance, Mom and I picked it out at the outlets about 3 years ago....the thing weighed over 200 lbs and we somehow managed to get it in my car and we had a heck of a time putting it in the living room. My Dad didn't understand that rugs go under the furniture so we kept messing with it until we got it right. We frustrated him. I think that's about when him and ted left to make themselves a drink. It was so much fun having them around. They were more like friends at this stage in our lives and I could nag them. The best part.

My Grandpa O. has been gone for a year.....on Saturday, one year ago, he joined my Parents and his wife and most of his family up in Heaven. I wonder who greeted him. I could see my Mom, Dad and Gramma....all holding hands welcoming him.....and maybe wishing we were all up there. I miss my Grandfather. After my parents passed away, I still had him.....I would go over there when I was back in MI and sit with him, do puzzles, bring him food like I always used to do....my Father was raised in this home......it was peaceful for me to be with him. But I knew once my parents were gone, he would never be the same. And I was right.....his health and independence went South......once he was put into a hospital for 24 hour care, I knew he wouldn't last long. I will never forget when my Sister and I went to see him which was the last time I ever saw my Grandpa. He looked terrible. I hugged him and I was in shock. I couldn't believe the drastic change he went through. The tall, strong, man who greeted me for 29 years of my life at his front door, was dying. And another piece of childhood was lifted away and I felt even more alone.............He was ninety, it was time. But after losing so much, I was hanging on to anything left of my parents and I didn't want to see anyone else go.

I thought tonight as I often do about future milestones, birthdays, and holidays and just general good things happening to us in life and thinking will they ever be "great" again (for me)? For me, family completes all of those things. Friends, your only family (husband and children), your parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles are all important factors to your life and even more so as you get older. I miss that closeness I once I had and I will miss it for the rest of my life......

Getting anxious for the weekend to share my book with close friends and family and more nervous then anything to share my book LIVE on Fox 2 news Saturday morning at 8:45am. Please tune in to watch it if you live in MI. The only way I agreed to do it was that the focus of the segment was not the day my parents died and that it was around the book and the continued journey of healing. I know I can do this.....as I have said to my husband and friends, I've already been through the scariest most traumatic thing imaginable, I can certainly handle talking about the book and the heartache. I know my parents would be proud. They always were.

a sunny Fall weekend

A beautiful Fall weekend at home with visitors......it was a tad warm for early October however we enjoyed having 3 full days of Sun and warmth knowing that cold weather is just around the corner. Our friends, who are more family then friends really, came to visit us for the weekend with their daughter. It's strange now both having children........life has really flown by and you think of what your close friends and you have been through from College to your wedding to your first jobs and moving out of State.....then you think of things that you'd never in a million years do with a close friend...like pick out your Mother's dress that she would wear to her funeral..... Heartbreaking moments yet beautiful moments like sharing your daughter with your friends and continued memories during the Holidays and fun getaways on the weekends.......with having such a small family, we rely on our friends even more.....we hope they are a part of our lives until we grow old..........I watched my parents cherish their friendships and make them a priority.........I intend to do the same and I am so thankful my parents had good friends. People that cared about them and their family so much......they were lucky......and I know many of my parents friends were overwhelmed with sadness when they died......I will never forget at the viewing watching the hundreds and hundreds of people pile in to pay their respects to my parents.......it was overwhelming watching people's reactions......that was the hardest day of my life...........ugh..........Fall makes me miss my family even more-I know the Holidays are near.....and Mom and Dad always came down around Fall time.... and also missing all of my friends that live throughout the US....wishing I could share a nice Fall weekend with all of them too..........I miss you all.

Washington DC

A wonderful weekend with such fantastic friends and hosts. Incredible food, drinks, hanging out and sites throughout DC......I enjoyed walking around Molly and Brian's neighborhood the most in Alexandria, VA and also LOVED seeing the White house....Elle was such a great traveler and it was good to spend time and visit places with the three of us......While I continue to be saddened without my immediate family together, I am so thankful for the friendships we have and the places we continue to visit and add to the memory bank. I miss my Family so much and would have loved to share this fun visit we had with them...I would have had to get Mom a thimble and Dad a shot glass of course. Mom would have gotten a kick out of us visiting the white house and the world war II memorial. She loved this stuff.......I missed my parents badly on Sunday as we were traveling back from a great weekend. I missed my brother too. And my Grandfather, on October 16th, will have been gone for a year.... So much loss for our family and there are moments I feel overwhelmed with all of this....

And then I looked ahead and saw someone who has come into my life 6 months ago or so and has given me some hope and understanding for what I am dealing with. My therapist. She is so put together and lovely looking and when I called her name she ran over with such great excitement to actually meet my husband and daughter. She was in awe as she has heard so much about them. She continued to pat my shoulder and call me kiddo. And how much she looks forward to seeing me again soon and how it's always good to see me........she's awesome......and it allowed me to take a deep breathe as she often reminds me to do, recognize the sadness, feel it and acknowledge how badly this sucks....and then...keep going positively if I can. There will always be such waves of emotion with something this tragic and I so appreciate that she helps me understand this. It's not going away....but it's important that I don't get stuck as so many others would....and do......it's an every day fight. And I know in my heart I'll win but my life will never be the same.... I am still so lucky and grateful for so much in my life.......especially weekends such as this.