wish they were here

Elle goes off to school on Monday, wow has time flown by. OK, so I am not sending her on the bus to kindergarten or anything but she is in fact going to baby school. Fine, call it daycare but I do expect her to learn something during the day but for now I will just be pleased to know there  are people there to keep her safe and happy. I know no one will ever take care of her like we would or family members, but I hope this place is a good fit for Elle. She did so well with Gramma Close and I have to come to the realization that no care will be like a Grandmother's care. 

This weekend was pretty much the only weekend that I will be home until mid July. We have several weekend events coming up from a baby shower in Chicago (my first night away from Elle!), Aydan's 6th birthday party, vacation in the Keys and 4th of July at the lake. So needless to say, we had quite a bit to do around the house but there's always time for fun. Friday night, we spent the evening at our friends home. They made a yummy dinner, and I brought dessert--homemade chocolate honey almond torte. It's becoming a specialty of mine. I've always wanted a "specialty" and everyone seems to like this one. In fact, I'm making another one for Elle's teachers to take tomorrow. Hey, I have to butter up to these ladies just a little bit........they have my precious cargo for 8 hours each day! 

Saturday Elle and I took our 3 mile walk through Ault Park, it was such a beautiful day. Everyone was out with their strollers. Later that evening Ted and I took Elle and walked up to the square for dinner outside. Ted's Mom got us an anniversary dinner at one of our favorite restaurants so we had a bottle of wine and some yummy food all while Elle quietly napped until we got through with our wine, meals and dessert......after dinner we got the wonderful news that our neighbors delivered a healthy baby boy. Elle has a new buddy on the block and I cannot wait to have a stroller partner. They're great people and I'm so happy for them. It brought back memories when our neighbor called with the good news. Ted rushed over to let their dog out and we asked if there was anything we could do. I remember those first few days. They are overwhelming. 

Today I spent much of the day getting Elle ready for her 1st day of school. Everything, I mean everything, has to be labeled with her first and last name. Of course, the expensive labels I had ordered didn't arrive yet- so now I will be forced to write her name on everything with a permanent marker. Ugly and not fun. 

I miss my Mom and Dad. I do every day, every hour in fact but every time I take a long walk with just Elle and I, I cannot help but think how sad this really is. They were the parents that would have been involved. Yeah I understand, many people had children without their parents involvement or help, but I had the parents that would have been there.  And it saddens to me to know end knowing how much my Mother would give to be here right now. Dad too. He would have been bragging to all of his friends about his pretty little granddaughter.  You're so very missed. 

I look forward to learning more from this grief counselor. Will I always feel this tremendous void in my life? Will I always have tremendous loneliness even though I have so many wonderful people in my life who love my family and I? What I do know is I will always imagine what life would have been had they still been here. I don't think that will ever go away.  They were so young and I am positive they would have made it to at least Elle's college graduation, probably even her wedding. Ugh, just thinking of those events make me sad. They would have been so proud. I'll be thinking then like I do now, "I wish Mom and Dad were here to see this".  And I wish they didn't die the way they did. It's so frustrating. But we still find away to continue moving forward.....as painful as it is, we are living and enjoying life like we have been shown to do, as best as we possibly can.