3 celebrations

So I made an appointment with a grief counselor, well, I called and left a message to make an appointment--hey, it's a step. Yay me. I think it was time. From reading books and talking with others, I know what I am feeling is actually completely normal. Everyone grieves differently as it completely depends on who it was that died, how they died and your relationship with them.

I lost two people. Not just any two people, my parents who I was completely close to and loved very much. I feel sad, angry, bitter, jealous, and lonely. And these are all normal feelings- they really are. I know if this happen to anyone else, they would feel the same way. How could they not I ask myself? Most of my friends have very close relationships with their parents and it would be as devastating. How would they handle this?

I was introduced to someone that is my age that is also parent-less as of recently. She's engaged. She, like my Sister, won't have the traditional wedding that all brides hope for. I'm sad for this person. With everything she went through (her parents died at different times-but both very tragically-her Mother was killed by her step-father and her father ended his own life-so devastating-she has many similar pains and feelings I have I'm sure), she wasn't able to work, her choice but it clearly changed her life. But now she bought her Mother's store and re-opened it and is keeping her Mother's spirit alive through this store. I'm proud of her. She's moving on and living her life, while honoring her Mother at the same time.

I'm proud of how I've handled things thus far. I had an amazingly healthy pregnancy, gave birth to a doll, and have smiled a lot over the last year. But the pain is always there just as it was a week after they died. The first week you really can't "feel" the pain. It almost felt like sleepwalking. What I cannot get past is how they died. That is where I need help.

Friends and family offer such loving advice and support, but unless your in the situation yourself, understanding what its like to know your parents were brutally killed by their son, is a feeling that is unexplainable. Thinking of my beautiful Mother and the pain she may have felt, even if it were for an hour. Or even if it was 30 seconds. The pain she felt or sadness she felt is absolutely heart wrenching to me. I think I'm scared to move on. Scared to let go of this. Fearful people will forget how they died. How young they were. How tragic this was. I'm also fearful I'm in denial, but I don't think I am since I saw them. I saw them in their caskets. But I don't know certain details, I didn't see my Mom at the hospital. I didn't go to the house that week. I never watched the news. I never searched on the Internet. I never read a news article except for the memorial article I helped write and the one sentence I caught a glimpse of when the reporter sent me a follow up story, but I quickly hit delete. I can't handle details, I think they will make it worse. The end of the story remains the same, they died. So I feel the details would only make it worse. I also have real difficulty picturing my brother walking up the stairs of the basement, turning the corner and seeing my wonderful Dad enjoying his paper on his bench and for him to actually pull the trigger-it almost doesn't seem real-yet it really did happen. His mind went nuts and made him believe such opposite things. Imagine being my brother and planning what he did. He was in such a scary place that day. That wasn't him. I think to myself, why didn't Mom run? I guess there wasn't time. Instinct is to probably freeze. I'll never know.

Intellectually I understand what I need to do. To honor my parents is to live MY life and live it to the fullest and be the greatest Mom, Wife, friend, Sister, etc. But see, I think I'm doing that. Have I stopped living? No way. Look at the memories I have with so many of my family and friends this year. I haven't stopped. But the bitterness, anger, nightmares and sadness has not went away. Why should it have?

When someone mentions a wedding, their parents, their Mom or Dad or brother, I don't want to feel jealous or think that the person talking is being insensitive, I know there not....but these are thoughts I have. I can't help but keep thinking, "they should be here too, they wanted to be here, they didn't want to die, they were still living".

Moving on is frightening to me. I feel like my Mom would be sad. I'll never stop talking about them. There's no reason to. So many things now remind me of them. That's natural. I hope when I pass Elle refers to me and all of the yummy cakes and desserts I used to make her, haha....but seriously, I'll never forget how my Dad used to cut up our food. Even into my teenage years. I can picture the chair he would sit in while doing it. What a great Dad. We could never leave that dinner table until everything was finished. I'd mash up the fish in my napkin. and drop the Brussel sprouts on the floor. I love fish and brussel sprouts now. Dinner time will always be important in my household. Even if I'm not the one cooking!

I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can say. I'm productive and really positive at work, happy with friends, sad when I go back to MI, perhaps a little more distant to some, at home when it's just my little family-that's when it all hits me. So there's more pictures, more time to think I guess, and I'll be holding Elle or watching Elle and be thinking how they would have loved to see this. She's so special, sweet and beautiful and they'd be so proud. And I guess at the end of the day, I need to continue making them proud. But my problem is, I was making them proud when they were alive and I wanted to share my future successes personally and professionally with them.

This weekend is bittersweet. My very first Mother's Day as a Mother but my second Mother's Day without my own Mommy. Elle is getting baptized and we have quite the celebration planned for after. I'm so looking forward to my Grandpa Greiner meeting Elle. With all of the snow up-north and my Grandpa's treatments this Winter, he wasn't able to meet her until now. He held me when I was only a few days old. He knows first hand the joy I brought to my Mom and Dad. He witnessed it. I'm so excited for him to hold the next generation in our family.

Ted and I are also celebrating our 6 year anniversary. So hard to believe it's been that long. We were quite young when we got married. We had such a fun celebration. A country club wedding, the big SUV limo, the hotel suite with my girlfriends getting ready, us girls and Mom riding to the church, 6 hour open bar, oh yeah- picture all of us kids who just graduated from College given premium cocktails for 6 hours- let's say we had our fun. Mine and Ted's parents put on such a beautiful and fun wedding. I danced more than Ted. That's probably my only regret is not spending more time with Ted at the actual wedding, but he's not a dancer and that's what I wanted to do. And, we had that entire week in Mexico to spend together and frankly, the rest of our lives. But you know what the weird thing is, I'm most happy now when I look back at the wedding because I know how much FUN my Mom and Dad had. Particularly my Dad. He was so proud and his friends talked about the wedding years later. That's what I'll remember. And I remember how proud both of our parents were when the pastor talked at the wedding service on how our parents had both been married and together for so many years. We both had such great examples-I'm sure that made them feel good. They did good and raised us well.

I have dreams of what we'll do for our 10 year anniversary. I'd like to renew our vows on a beach, with some friends and family. Maybe this is just an excuse for a vacation with the people I love the most... but whatever. Maybe we'll head to Hilton Head, my Aunt says," it's the best beach". I love Hawaii and St. John though. Those places are magical.

God Bless Elle, Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful Mother in Heaven and to all of the beautiful Mother's in my life, and Happy Anniversary Mel and Ted! 3 special celebrations all in one day. Pretty sweet.......

Love always,
Melissa