keep going, you can do this

Another court date has passed and yet, we're not anywhere near any type of closure. But will there ever be closure? how could there be in this case? My brother is still in that awful holding place and we are still in the state of the unknown and my Mom and Dad are still gone and are never coming back.

I try to tell my Sister, let's take each day at a time, which is hard for me to say, however I know it's how we have to think. Trust me, I get very sad, nervous and upset when I think about the future.

How will I get through Holidays and major events without Mom and Dad? How can I get through next week without calling my Mom? or tomorrow for that matter or tonight! How will I react when I meet my Daughter for the first time and look over at a picture of Mom and Dad and wishing so badly they were here to meet this little "princess Close"? How will I prevent my jealousy of other families being together without a care in the World? How does my brother fall asleep each night in such a deep depression for what has happened? These are all questions I ask myself.

I was upset that my Sister wanted to attend court today. How can she sit through those details I asked myself? Why would anyone want to put themselves through that. But I know for her, it's something she has to do. I want nothing more for my Brother to still feel he has supporters and family that love him, but the way my parents left us, will forever haunt us but it only worsens when you have that entire day played back to you. I couldn't do that although I play it in my mind almost daily. But actually hearing it is another story. When someone says to me, "he killed your parents" in a sentence, like a lawyer or a family member, it really freaks me out to hear those words. I obviously know it happened but when you really stop and think about those words, it sounds like someones worst nightmare, almost a made up story. But it's not...it's my families' story.

I still wonder how I am doing this. How I still find some way to laugh each and every day, how I still enjoy being at work, how I still love to shop, how I still love to go out to dinner with friends and how I can still somehow find the brighter side of things (sometimes, not always). Honestly, I think the main reason why I've been so strong is that I have to be. I have to be there for my family, my Sister, my Aydan, my Aunts and Uncles, my Grandparents. I had my time of weakness, upon entering the funeral home where I looked ahead and saw my two dead parents lying there in caskets. That will forever remain my weakest moment and worst moment of my entire life.... It was worse then receiving the actual phone call as I was such in a state of shock as I heard the words of what happened. I went numb and couldn't even cry. I am not certain I can ever walk into a funeral home again and smell that overwhelming scent of Funeral flowers. I do imagine how much worse off everyone would be if their niece, sister, granddaughter was an absolutely mess right now. Oh how that is the complete opposite of what my parents would want. I often tell myself, everything I do in life is now for my Parents and that's what makes me smile each and every day, those are the words that allow me to see some type of light at the end of this scary tunnel. But I have to admit, the nightmares, sadness, anger and constant wishing for their presence is never even a centimeter away from my mind. And the tears will come and go in an instant and probably will for the rest of my life.

But I still know there is a little girl who will add so much joy to my families' life come next year and I really just can't wait to meet her. She is our faith and the one positive thing that has came out of this tragedy. I wonder if I would have gotten pregnant had this not happened? Would we have waited until our early 30's as originally planned? Would I be having a girl had this not happened? I guess we will never know.

I can just hear Mom and Dad now, "keep going girls, you can do this".

Missing you always,
Melissa