I worry that I will never get past how my parents died. I often find myself starring at their death certificates, which I have had to refer to weekly over the past several months. Someone always needs a copy of them, just faxed one to a bank today and for some reason my eyes immediately go to the cause of death. And then I imagine the pain and images in my head.
With an illness, you can get past how someone died and feel at peace that they are no longer suffering. I won't ever have that because my parents weren't suffering. They were living. My Mom and Dad had such a beautiful day the day they were killed. My Father went to the market and bought steaks- he then marinated them as him and Mom were planning to meet his Brother, Sister-in-law and Niece for a BBQ. He played ball in his backyard with his Grandson Aydan. He raked leaves. He talked to friends on the phone as well as his brother and Sister. He actually let his friend go and his words exactly were, "my grandson wants to play ball". I ran into the gentleman that my Father talked to that day when I was up-north over Memorial Day. He started crying when he talked about my Father, "he was like a Son to me". My Father loved old guys. I don't know why but they loved him too. My Dad treated everyone equally, no matter what age they were. He always had a father/son type relationship with them. And my Dad ended 51 years sitting on his porch, reading his paper, enjoying the beautiful, unseasonably warm April day with his Wife and Dog.
All I really know about my Mom's day as that it was spent at the park with her grandson Aydan probably laughing and smiling most of it. When Matt came to pick Aydan up that day around noon, they were still not back from the park. They came walking around the corner hand in hand. Gamma and Aydan...for the very last time. I believe she then had to run up to the doctors office for a checkup from her follow up colonoscopy (sp?) procedure that she had just done the week prior. After she returned from home, she then joined her husband of 30 years on the porch. I hear she yelled down to my brother and said she had a surprise for him. I never want to know what that surprise was. She probably stopped off and got Justin a dessert or something. My loving Mother, always trying to make someone smile. And that was their last day. I thank god Aydan was picked up early that day because you just never know and this tragedy could have been even worse, which seems impossible. I often think wow, I could have been there too. I stayed the night over Easter with just my Mom, Dad and brother, only a few weeks prior to this. It never would have crossed my mind.
I miss them both more then one could ever imagine, it's a constant wishing they were here no matter what I am doing. I don't watch TV really anymore so I find myself quite bored at nights where I would normally just pick up the phone and call Mom, anytime-didn't matter. She'd say after 30 minutes, "can we please get off the phone, I'm watching CSI or a really good lifetime movie.." I pray one day I can stop focusing on how they died and remember more on how they lived. But it's really hard to go on without parents. You can have all of the friends and family in the world, but you still feel like your facing the world alone without your parents-especially when they were like mine. I hope my daughter never has to face even her adult life on her own without us as I would never want her to feel that she needed her Mother so badly as much as I need my Mom right now.
To the beaver girls- thank you so much for thinking of my Mom this weekend as you go on your annual trip. Oh how she loved this girls weekend! She would tell me all about it every year she would return. I loved the ski trips stories, where she spent most of the time in the outdoor Jacuzzi after falling terribly on the slopes. She also raved about the food, someone made really good chili last year...I remember her telling me about it. She talked about the shopping too, which she loved to do. Yes, she always had a smile on her face and I could get that lady to laugh even when she was mad at me. She enjoyed her time spent with you all and I know she will be there in spirit this weekend. Thank you for being her friends, she had so many in her life!
Love,
Melissa
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