There's no place like home

"Where we love is home, home that the feet may leave, but not our hearts", Oliver Wendell Holmes.

I went to the Allen Park house for the first time yesterday. It was something I felt I had to do. It's where Dad died and where his soul left the Earth, Mom died at the hospital an hour later. I grew up in that house for over 20 years until leaving for College. Every Christmas of mine was shared in that very home for 28 years. Sure we could have moved to a bigger house, but we liked the neighborhood, it was close to Family and Mom and Dad chose to be able to have a second house, boats and toys, which was well worth it. Every childhood memory took place in this home, there are way too many to mention. You know them all... from running out the front door and stepping on to that very porch to catch the bus on our corner for my first day of Kindergarten. My first lemonade stand. My first dance with cameras flashing as we gathered outside for pictures. My first birthday party. My first date. So many milestones and achievements/disappointments while living at that house. Many heartbreaks, laughs and tears.

Now the Home that once was mine is only a memory. I no longer have a home. That sounds so strange to read back to myself. I no longer have a home, my home is gone.

But no one can ever take those memories away from my Family and I. Not even an event as tragic as this. The last time I was in the house was over Easter in March. I came in from Cincinnati a day earlier then Ted so I went straight to my Parents with Gracie. I got in late as 75 north was closed. I walked in, had a glass of Wine with my Mom and sat laughing with Dad on the couch. He shared with me some funny stories about their vacation to Key West. Mom handed me a few gifts she bought while down there. A purse, that I ended up giving back to her as I knew it was Christina's taste, and some fun Florida trinkets. Justin came up and said Hi and he was back and forth from downstairs to see what we were up to. Gracie was being annoying with Mom's baby Dog, Brandy. Justin and Mom had to help separate them. They finally settled down.

I went to bed upstairs with Gracie, in my old room. I came down early to my Dad watching MASH at 7am. Coffee was ready and he made me Cinnamon French Toast. I left for a day so we could all gather at the Close's for an Easter dinner. I came back the following day, which would be the last time I would walk through those doors to greet them. I walked in with an Easter basket for Justin and I yelled down to his room to ask him if he was coming to Grandpa's (he came last year with Christina and I as Mom and Dad were in Hilton Head). He came up to look at the Candy, but opted to not go to Grandpa's. This was quite normal and nothing whatsoever seemed wrong or strange. Mom and I picked up carry out and we headed to Grandpa's. Dad met us over there. Mom, Dad, Grandpa and I sat there and ate our lunch, Christina was running late to work so she stopped by quickly to eat and say hello. Dad left, Christina went to work and Mom and I ran some errands and ended up back at the house. We walked back into the house, okay this was the official last time that I would walk through the doors with them alive, to a beautiful Easter Lily with a big card that read, "Happy Easter Patricia, love Jerome". My Dad left early so he could surprise Mom with Flowers. I can't remember if I was headed back to the Close's to get Ted or if I headed back to Cincinnati from this point on. Ted and I did a good job with both spending time with our families together and separately. Now it's a bit of a blur but I know for a fact I hugged my Mother & Father before leaving and yelled down and said good-bye to Justin.

The house looks great. Mom and Dad you would be so proud and thankful for Matt's efforts from priming to painting to replacing door knobs and light fixtures to a new front Door. Ted and Mr. Close helped out as much as they could when Ted came into town.

Always know that I will cherish my childhood and adult memories in that home but I will try to not think too often of what happened at the house in the end. It's too painful. All you were doing was enjoying a beautiful, Sunny April Day on your porch after a morning with your Grandson, Aydan.

God Bless our home.

To my wonderful Dad on his 52nd birthday......

I put gray hair on your head while growing up, you loved me anyway
I threw secret little parties at your house while you were out of town, you loved me anyway
I crashed your Classic Monte Carlo with only 28,000 miles on it, you loved me anyway
My ex-boyfriend broke your favorite Red Wing glass picture in the basement, you loved me anyway ( I never did replace that and I live with regret now!)
I used to annoy you with my health concerns for you, you loved me anyway
I called you guys daily, except for the day you died, I know you still love me.... anyway......

I miss you coming to my house in Cincinnati and making a wonderful meal and your skills of hanging things perfectly.

I miss all of the visits in Chicago, Watertown and Plymouth, MA and the memories shared.
I miss you power washing my deck, just because you felt like it.
I miss you unloading my Dishwasher when visiting, and having coffee ready by 6am.
I miss you cutting up my Food as a child into my late Teenage years, that is why I am still not that great with a knife.
I miss snowmobiling in the Winter or Tubing in the Summer as you pulled Christina, Justin and I around the lake screaming.
I miss campfires together up-north and our old Cabin that we grew up in and would pack the house with so many family and friends, the kids always had the floor.
I miss your complaining about your back pains and your funny one-liners such as, "oh-they must have left off the left blinker light in that model" or, "honey, speaking of loons, where's your Father?" (he was totally kidding as he loved Grandpa!) or, "I'll be right back" or our dinner prayer growing up..."God is good, God is great, let us thank him for our food, YEAH GOD! Amen" or "my favorite son-in-law" (he only had one son-in-law) or "my #1" (Chris, he only said this to me because I moved away and he no longer had to provide me with financial support!) :-)

I miss your instinct for direction, why did Christina and I not get this gift? Matter of fact, I am getting your daughter a Garmin for her birthday- she continues to get lost daily.
I miss your Polish food, in particular your kalbasa and sauerkraut and City Chicken.
Although yelling at you while you did it, I miss watching you make your drink, and the hearing the famous sounds out of your mouth after you took a sip after a long day of work outside, AAAAHHHH!
I miss Holidays and you taking the long way in Wyandotte on the way to Grandpa's so we could see the houses lit up.
I miss hearing your voice and laughter.
I miss your rock gardening skills, I still want to go back to our condo in Plymouth, MA where you built a rock garden surrounding our mailbox that you installed, I wonder if it's still there, it has to be.......

I miss you and your obsession with LOBSTERS!

This Saturday you will be 52 years old and many of us will feel tremendous sadness but also overjoyed with the memory of you and what happiness you brought to our lives. You were never judgemental and always honest and just a barrel of laughs.

I will miss you, on your 52nd birthday and every day after.

Your life was too short, but it was a life well lived, even if there was stress at times. We all have our stress in life, but I think you had more fun then about anyone.

Now...make a wish.

Love~your girls

A Mother's love ~

A month after you died came Mother's Day and I was looking for a Frame to put a picture of us in it. I walked into Pottery Barn and to my surprise there was a frame that read, A mother's love is forever. Is was the perfect frame with the perfect words. I ended up buying three of them. I bought one for Christina, Mom Close and myself. Here is the picture that sits in my Frame in my living room and in Mom Close's kitchen:

A Mother's Love is forever. What does this truly mean? What I hope and think is that even when Mother's are gone and are no longer with us, their love remains in our hearts forever. I haven't read a lot of books about Heaven experiences, except for when I was on Vacation in St. John recently and read, 90 minutes in Heaven. It was a good book and I pray this guys' experience is truthful because its seems like a glorious place. He talked of beautiful houses, smiling faces, warm welcomes from his Family that had passed, the sounds of Angels flapping their wings and this beautiful music constantly playing in the background. The thing I didn't like is he said people in Heaven do not know who's missing but they know who's coming. If they don't know who's missing then how can you watch down on us or come on our journeys? Again, the author was only there for 90 minutes so perhaps he wasn't there long enough to get the full effect.

Of course I wouldn't want you & Dad missing us and being sad about what happened and watching us deal with this grief, but I do hope you are able to see glimpses of us and remember certain things and see us in years to come. I would hope that the way you passed has been eliminated from your memory or that you have forgiven and accepted.

Wherever you are, I just know I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life, to get there too, when my time is up.

And since A Mother's love is forever, I hope with all of my heart that your Mother's greeted you as you entered your new place in life. Grandma O. and Grandma G. both also died much too young. All of my lovely ladies are gone, but the impact they left was strong. None of them lived "easy" or long lives but they gave and received a lot of love.

Missing you and Dad more then you will ever know, and your Mothers are missed too.

Your daughter

My saving Grace-ie

There is one particular person that I have not yet recognized that has been there with me (us)through it all. From the long drive to Cincinnati after I got the news to cuddling in between us after the Funeral as we tried to get some sleep- to the present time where tears flow when I start to ponder or simply look at a picture. She is always there. That person, that Dog, is Gracie girl. Yes, the same Gracie girl that would pound her head through the door to sniff through your bags to get your shoes. I apologize again as I believe she ate a total of 3 pairs of your shoes and over 4 pairs of your cute little socks/slippers that you would wear.

It's amazing because Dogs definitely know when something is wrong and this breed gets so depressed when we are not happy. The entire ride home when we first found out what happened, which felt like the longest 4 hours of our life, she laid quietly in the back with her eyes wide open. Normally she would have been out like a light in the front seat in my lap or down by my feet. But Grace was in a state of stress just like Ted and I were.

She continues to make us smile every single day and her unconditional love is absolutely priceless. For people that do not have Dogs may never understand this, but they truly become a part of the Family. She is loved just as much as everyone else in the Family. I dread the day she leaves but like I have learned so quickly-life is too short, and that little Dog has slept between Ted and I under the covers since we have had her, and I don't plan on that ever changing.

So before I let you go I wanted you to know, I chuckled today as I was unpacking from the weekend as I passed the guest bedroom. I closed my eyes and saw your bags in there and pictured Grace running out of there with one of your shoes. Something I would give anything to have happen again.

So thank you too Miss Gracie, you have been a lifesaver. We love you.

Are there Dogs in Heaven Mom and Dad? I sure hope so. But you can't have Grace just yet, we really need her....for a very long time.

always and forever...

I told you a few weeks ago that I had remembrance bracelets made in your honor. They read~Remember Pat and Jerome (front) always and forever (back). I gave them to Family and my close Friends. There were multiple meanings to this bracelet. Of course to remember you but to also have something for people to slip on when they are having a bad day. To remember what life is truly about and how quickly it can end. And most importantly I wanted people to "live" when wearing these bracelets as living fully is what you both stood for.

I need to order another 50 of these or so as I want to be sure more of your Family and Friends can have one. I feel it is my responsibility now to instill in others the importance of life, because it simply goes way too fast and when your least expecting it, the most special people can be taken away in an instant. I have first handle knowledge of this.

Whether it's a bracelet, a picture, or hearing your laughter in the breeze....you will always be remembered. Always and forever.

Just-in-time

Justin's nickname growing up was Just-in-time and Bubba dede.

His grief is also accompanied by guilt, regret, shock, depression, loneliness and scared-ness. All while sitting in the cell of a Jail. Not being able to understand why in the World he would do such a thing. The depression he feels must be so overwhelming. I pray they do not make him go through a trial, which is still yet to be determined. The emotions and reliving of the event would be too difficult for him to handle. I am 100% sure Mom and Dad, that in the moment of tragedy, that was NOT your Son. He went into a manic stage and now that he is out of it and on medications, he does not want to live, nevertheless in a prison, for the rest of his life and he cannot make any sense of this. I almost wish he would have never come to the realization of what has occurred. I feel like that would be easier for him. For us all.

Christina visits weekly and I have written a few letters. I need to help him adapt to his new life and to learn to accept it. All we can do is pray he is placed somewhere safe. A mental institution, although that's even hard to imagine. This may sound strange to some people, but Justin is not crazy, but he is very, very Ill. He would not last in general population; people would steal from him knowing that he has money. There are many people in Prison with nothing and zero visitors. Seeing someone that has money for snacks and toiletries will be taken advantage of.

I hope he can be somewhere safe where he can potentially work, attend church and adjust and one day have some type of peace.

We're praying for him Mom and Dad, we're praying........we know you were the most forgiving people on this planet so we know supporting him to some level is what you would want. I can't say it's easy, especially for Christina who is seeing this situation first hand, right in the eye, face to face. It's very painful. Something that is truly unexplainable.

Thanks for watching over him. I love this picture below as he smiles with Aydan, although Justin was about 40 pounds heavier then nornal as this is when he drank regular coke verses diet. He will never hold Aydan again and that is very sad.

Doing it all~

Mommy~

This is the time in my life I would do anything to have you (and Dad too of course). Your advice, direction, laughter, love, and care is really, really missed. You were just the best person to talk to. You would tell me when I was being a fool and would yell at me if I were being mean to Ted. I distinctly remember in Cincinnati last year when Ted cooked bacon in the oven. Who does that? And the grease spilled everywhere. He left it uncleaned. I went later that day to cook appetizers for Christina, Matt and Aydan's arrival and all of sudden the oven was smoking with bacon grease. I was yelling for him to clean and Dad basically wanted to go home. He would not stand for fighting and either would you. So you helped me cook my artichoke dip, what was suppose to be baked in the oven, in a pan on the stove. So it wasn't the best but you helped me make it work!

I also am thinking of the last time you were in Cincinnati. We made Martinis one night and went to see "27 dresses" the next night. Just you and I. We ate popcorn and laughed at the movie, which was adorable. We loved Katherine Heigle, which is "izzie" from Grey's anatomy. Dad and Ted were out doing their own thing.

I was so lucky to have the relationship that I did with you. But I think that is what makes this even more difficult accepting that your gone. But one thing is for sure, I am a stronger woman because of this great tragedy. I honestly know I can do anything I put my heart and mind to. I told my Vice President today in a meeting, "do I want to be Vice President and sit in your chair one day? Sure.", "do I want to have a family? Sure.", "I want to do it all and I am confident it's possible". I believe I could be an exception for the rule that women can truly have it all. I want a great career, a strong/close immediate and extended family, incredible relationships with friends that still gather for girl trips, involvement in some type of Church, tons of travel, lots of exercise, and one day would like to educate and draw awareness on Mental Illness and the side effects and risks of weaning off medication. I can do it all...with your guidance.

Your Little Western Michigan grad is all grown up and ready to take on the World.

a weekend of celebrations

Aydan's 5th birthday. Jay & Jackie's wedding. Father's Day. A weekend filled with celebrations!

And please know, you were thought about during every one of them.

Of all the things I miss about you both, the biggest thing has to be your voices. I have been so tempted to watch my Bridal shower tape where Mom said a toast or watch the videos of Mom and Aydan or the old Christmas videos of our family growing up. I am not sure I could even handle the sound of your voices or seeing you alive in action on the video. Until then, I imagine your voices in my mind and your ever lasting laughter.

You're never far away from our minds and always close to our hearts. I pray you enjoyed this weekend with us too and were able to look down on us from time to time.

Feeling a sense of loneliness on this Father's Day.

It's amazing how you can be surrounded by so many but still feel like your standing alone. It's truly incredible the impact that parents have on their children's lives and the safety, warmth and love that they provide. No one else but parents can provide that true, unconditional love. There is nothing I could have ever done or said that would ever had made you both stop loving or supporting me.

So this weekend, we witnessed your Grandson who is growing so quickly before our eyes- turn 5 years old, my brother-n-law tie the knot in a beautiful intimate wedding and a visit to the cemetary to remember and honor your lives.

Love and missing you always,

Your daughter

A card from a friend

They say that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

One minute we know exactly where we're going, then it's as if some mean-spirited little gremlin has ripped up the road map, broken the compass, and made off with the spark plugs just for good measure.

When things get that messed up, it would be easy to say "whatever" and just sit down and quit.

But no matter how tempting that might be, we both know it's not your style. You have the imagination it takes to rethink your dreams and the courage to set off again--whether it's down a detour or a new road altogether.

The important thing is to keep going at your own pace, with rest stops whenever you need them and pauses now and then for scenic overlooks. You're on your way, even if it's not perfectly clear just where you're headed.....

Relax, look around you, and enjoy the journey. It's part of you who you'll be when you get there.
-Myra Zirkle

Thank you Jodi.

I love these words as I feel as if these are things you would be saying to Christina and I right now. It's difficult to imagine but we will someday, enjoy the journey. I promise.

A new assignment~

You'd be proud. I got a new assignment at work with additional responsibility and I will be reporting to the Director of Sales on the Kroger Team! She has had several, impressive positions throughout the Organization and I believe she will truly prepare me for my next few levels at SC Johnson.

We all work to live but it sure is nice to also enjoy your job and the people you work with. I know not everyone is fortunate in this way.

So many times over the past several months I say things like, "life is not fair", "why our family?" , "why my beautiful Mother who was the most caring individual in the World?", "But my Dad just retired a year and 1/2 ago and was just getting relaxed-why?" "My brother did not want to do this, how could his mind play such tricks on him and not give anyone any warning signs"? And I come to the same answer. There is not one. Some say this was God's plan but I have difficulty accepting that. I don't want to be angry with God because my entire life is now going to be built around getting to the point of accepting that they are together in a wonderful place and that I will one day be there too, if I have Faith. I must have Faith and believe.

So, Mom and Dad the result of all of this is, I am still pretty lucky. I almost laugh when I type that, how dare I think that I am lucky given what our family has gone through? But when you look at my life outside of that...I have great additional family, a wonderful husband, a doll of a nephew, fabulous friends & co-workers, a job I enjoy-where I am respected as a business women and cared for as a friend, a beautiful house that is "celery green" and a cuddly English Bulldog who cuddles between Ted and I each and every night.

I would still give anything to get my entire family back to the way we once were, but knowing that is impossible I need to cope with my new life. My new life assignment.

To the best DAD in the world

I am dreading the approach of Father's Day therefore I would like to wish you Happy Father's Day today. Like Mother's Day, every single advertisement is in full force over the past several weeks. Sunday will be another difficult day to get through, but let's first remember last year.

Ted and I headed over from The Close's house last Father's Day. We arrived to Mom's new brochetta that she tried for the first time. To our surprise, it was delicious. Mom-you were getting really good at appetizers since Dad continued to focus on the main meals. Ted and Mr. Close had built a set of cornhole boxes for Dad in the theme of the "Detroit Lions". Ted carried them out from the car and we had Dad wait inside. When I told him to come out, he beamed with excitment! The fact that they were homemade from his Son-in-law and that it featured his favorite team, made Dad so happy.

Then we went inside and gave Dad some grilling stuff from William Sonoma and a Burger Cook Book. Dad said his favorite line, "you shouldn't have" and "you're way too good to me".

No Dad. You were too good to me. To Ted. To everyone. You were just that good.

I didn't tell you enough but I pray you can here me now. You were the best Dad in the World and I will be forever thankful for having you in my life. I know I put gray hair on your head and caused you some stress through the years, but I am confident you were proud of who I've become and I know you will continue to watch down on Ted, Christina, Aydan and I as we live through life without you.

We will be visiting your resting spot on Sunday. Let's talk then.

We love and miss you always,

Your kids

That's what friends are for

Chicago was a great time. It was incredible to have that many of my closest friends together for an entire weekend. I had bracelets made for everyone to wear, "Remember Pat & Jerome, always and forever". I also put together a CD mix to give in honor of your remembrance. There were songs such as, I will remember you by Sarah McLaughlin, So Small by Carrie Underwood, Sweet Melissa by the Allman Brothers and several others that were either yours or my favorite songs or just songs that made me think of you and friendship.

We danced. sipped champagne. ate some great meals. did a little shopping on Michigan Ave. and laughed a lot.........these girls are one of a kind!

The loneliness I feel will probably never fully go away, but knowing that I have so many friends that would be here in a heartbeat for me, is a feeling unexplainable. Not everyone is blessed with wonderful parents AND wonderful friends. But I was.

Your love for life continues on....

The windy city

Like Frank Sinatra sings, Chicago is my kind of town. Our life has changed tremendously over the past two months but I am excited to say, this weekend I have a girls weekend to attend. A girls weekend that I need now more than ever. I am headed to Chicago to be greeted by over 12 of my closest friends. They are coming from all over. Arizona, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Illinois, and Cincinnati.

The pain is never too far away but I need to allow myself to have some fun with the girls. Chicago is my most favorite city and there are fabulous restaurants, tremendous amounts of shopping and remains a city that will always be close to my heart because I lived there right out of College. You both came down a few times while I lived there. I remember having a family BBQ at our apartment and Nicky and I had one problem. No grill and not enough silverware. We somehow managed it to work after we bought one of those little beach type grills and Dad stayed close by as he cooked chicken which ended up taking hours given the size of the grill. You liked Chicago until after I moved, the parking tickets continued to come in....I apologize for doing that. I know you ended up paying some of them.

As I go to bed tonight I feel tremendous sorrow that I cannot pick up the phone to call you but am feeling very lucky to have an upcoming weekend with my friends. I would like to honor this weekend to Chicago in your name. Let us spend the weekend like you both would and that is having fun.

I pray,

I pray that I will one day find peace in knowing you are together in a wonderful place.
I pray that you felt no pain.
I pray that you can still look down on us and see us from time to time.
I pray for Justin and that he one day finds peace and is granted forgiveness.
I pray Christina and I will still live a happy life while remembering you every step of the way.
I pray Aydan does not have sadness in his life because he know longer has you in his life but that he never forgets the years he had with you and what amazing grandparents you were.
I pray your siblings and your Fathers, our grandfathers remain very close to Christina and I and continue to share more stories about your youth. Boy, Did Grandpa share a funny one of you Mom over Memorial day! I am sure there are plenty more.
I pray your close friends never forget your loving, kind, smiling faces and that they will keep in touch with Christina and I. I know you would want nothing more than for us to continue the friendships.
I pray The Close family continues to be by our sides and helps continue family traditions and making memories with Christina and I.
I pray I can one day help someone that goes through the loss of a loved one or a tragedy.
I pray I can one day spread awareness on Mental Illness to prevent something so unthinkable from every happening again.
I pray my friends remain my close friends until the very end. I look at the amount of friends you had in your life at the age of 50 so I know this is possible.
I pray Ted and I can be loving, supportive, fun, adventurous, family-oriented parents like you were.
I pray you knew how much you were loved so deeply by so many.
I pray you know how missed you are every single day.
I pray that through this tragedy and the special gifts you have left many of us, that it changes people and makes them live their life a little better, a little nicer, and brings them a little closer to their family.
I pray my jealousy of people who have parents will stop. Because I did have amazing parents that many people in this World would only dream of having.

I pray, my beloved Mommy and Dad that you will one day greet me with open arms. I cannot wait to see you again. Until then, I hope Heaven is everything we believe, hope, and wish that it is....

Daily routine

Who would have thought simple, every day tasks could one day be difficult to complete?

It's been nearly two months since everything has occurred and I have been grocery shopping one time. Ted has cooked dinner maybe twice as we've opted to eat out (we met friends for Burger madness tonight-a classic in Hyde Park square, yes at one of your favorite establishments-Aurthur's). I have not watched an ounce of TV except when flying back from St. John there were a few comedy shows on that I could watch (yes, I missed the entire Season of Grey's Anatomy which is my most favorite show in the world and Mom's too....). I couldn't imagine watching a show that shows people dying or sick. I couldn't listen to music until a few weeks ago. I am not sure what I am afraid of. Well, I mean, partially it is due to the fact that I will cry. Heck, I used to cry at commercials, sad songs and movies prior to this happening and I am only becoming an even more emotional person through this. I also have slipped on my house cleaning, which is a big one for me. You could generally eat off my wood floors, but at this point...I would recommend flip flops when walking on them. I've considered hiring a cleaning service, and even someone to do the yard work to take some of the weight off with traveling back & forth from MI and simply not having the motivation after work. But then I think of how you both would not want Ted and I spending our money on that. I actually used to love cleaning and never would have fully considered a cleaning service. It's not like I have 5 bathrooms or 3 dogs and 3 children making a huge mess. Although you would be surprised what 2 people and a Bulldog can do. And one last thing I have given up on over the last two months.....the gym. (The entire month of March, Julie and I went at least 3 times a week consistently).

I look forward to the day that going to work, working out, watching my favorite sitcoms, searching CNN, scrubbing floors, grocery shopping, organizing my drawers and catching up on laundry doesn't seem like the largest task to overcome! Tell me these are normal things and I must continue them as I did before this. And PS- your Son-in-law has not stopped working out or watching TV or doing his daily tasks. Men. How do they bounce back so quickly? Probably because they have no choice but to be strong for us girls.

Missing your smiling faces, your voice and having your non-judgemental listening ears.....how did you put up with me? I recall all of the phone calls I would place to you (sometimes even 3 x's a day) and you would actually say to me, "I knew it was you" or "now what do you want?" or "it's you again?" or "yes, Melissa?" or Dad's famous conversation, "I'm cooking dinner, what do you want? I'm busy". He was half joking, half serious but I know deep down you both loved my annoying phone calls or at least partially loved them.......

Please tell me I will look like that...

Mom looked exceptionally young for her age and boy did she enjoy to hear it! The best compliment you could say to her would be, "no way, you have a 28 year old daughter? That cannot be possible!".

Mom, I wish I told you more often, you were always really beautiful. You were especially beautiful on my wedding day. I didn't think it was possible for someone to look more beautiful then the bride on her wedding day, but you did just that.

Can anyone tell who Mom is in the picture? She blends right in!

And Mom, Chris and I at the rehearsal dinner........again, she was looking fabulous as ever.

Grief

"Grief is itself a medicine." -William Cowper

Suffering such a tremendous loss in such a tragic way can lead one to a depressed state of mind. In fact, if we don't allow ourselves to cope with a loss and go through the grieving process, we can suffer in the long run.

One thing I am having difficulty with is the fact that there is this so called "process" I should be following over loosing you both. There's shock, then feeling, then anger then comfort. And then am I expected to bounce back to normal and say OK, "I have gone through the process; my parents are gone, my brother is in jail and I cannot protect him but I have went through the grieving process therefore I can now live my life"?

I hope I am not sounding bitter but unless someone was to share with me their experience in a exact tragedy in this exact way and how this process worked for them, I find it difficult in following the grieving process because how can "the process" be the same for everyone? (let's see how many times Melissa can use the the word, process. )

As hard as it is to ever imagine moving on, I do hope I am at least moving in the right direction. From the little I have read about grief, I do know that denial is not healthy. I thought for a while I was in denial because I would not go to your home to help Christina sort through your things. She had to suffer walking in and seeing how everything was left. The steaks marinating in the fridge, the shower gift left on the table and your laundry left in the washer. Instead, I ran home to Cincinnati and reached out to other family to help her at the house. I couldn't fathom going over there and frankly, still cannot bring myself to do it. I want to though because I here the house looks amazing with all of the blood, sweat and tears Matt, Ted and other family members have put into getting the house ready to sell.

I also never saw you until the funeral-not that i had a choice as we had a 4 hour drive from Cincinnati and you were both gone before we got there. I almost chose to have a closed casket because I could not come to grips with seeing you any other way then your smiling, beautiful faces. Christina got to see you Mom, right after you passed. I never asked her any questions about this moment. I fear this is part of my denial, but I cannot bear to hear how you looked or imagine the pain she felt as she walked into the hospital room as you were pronounced dead. I couldn't have done it. Dad was immediately taken to the medical examiners office, where Mom ended up too, where Ted eventually had to identify your bodies, which is simply a procedure. Something I could have never in a million years done. All he said was, "they looked peaceful".

I ask that you and God watch over Christina even closer then me and give her additional strength to eventually live a happy, fulfilled life. I feel through these past almost two months, she has faced more of these difficult times and pray they do not make her grieving process even harder than the rest of us.

I do believe you would want us to "move on" but that statement becomes increasingly difficult when I think of the future. Will I ever be sooo excited again about our new home or sooo excited about my promotion or sooo excited about having our 1st child or sooo excited about the Holidays?? Prior to this happening I was sooo excited about a lot of things, that was my nature. Will I ever get that back? I loved sharing my excitement with my parents.

One thing that does already bring me to some kind of peace is that you are together. Pat&Jerome as they always were are still together...........forever....