Where are you Christmas?

It is hard to believe Christmas is this Sunday.....I cried when I heard that song by Faith Hill "where are you Christmas". I've been asking myself that question for 3 and 1/2 years, I've lost so much Christmas spirit since their death. I know they wouldn't want this. Another year gone by without Mom and Dad. Another beautiful, healthy child born who is now 6 months old who brings so much joy to my life. Another year of missing my parents smiling faces, their love, support and encouragement...I am definitely getting used to this new life-without an immediate family unit-while it's lonely, I cherish the memories made and the family I still have. But I get really homesick around the Holidays. Everyone around me (I feel) is hustling and bustling to prepare for the whirlwind of the Holidays...sure, I had to buy presents for our family and wrap and put some thought into what I would buy for everyone and decorate and we hosted a Christmas happy hour and we baked Christmas cookies...but it's different since my Parents have passed. I think of the Holiday differently. They don't feel the same. I no longer have to plan out the Holidays, we head back to the Close's and stay there the entire break. No leaving for my Parents house Christmas day or talking with my Mom several times throughout the day about the family gift exchange, when I am going to help her with cheesecakes this year (I mainly was there for support of licking the bowls), or coordinating when we would get together with the Close Family (she had them to our house for Christmas day the last Christmas they were alive). While I am blessed to have my own family now and to create new traditions within, it's difficult and very different for me to accept the new norm....I miss sharing the Holidays with my Family. I can only imagine the joy Aydan, Elle and Harrison would bring to my their life and how it would brighten their Holidays up even more. Mom loved Christmas...decked the house out, baked every cookie and cheesecake imaginable, always had the door open on Christmas day for friends and family to drop by....everyone would be popping in to see the grand kids. Not only did I lose Mom and Dad, we lost a lot of their friends too....we just don't have that opportunity now to gather like we did...

With all of that said, I am blessed to spend Christmas eve with the Close Family, my Sister, and our friends and to be able to wake up Christmas morning with my beautiful, healthy kids, a home filled with gifts, food and lots of love...we are spoiled Christmas morning! I know many people are suffering and sad this Holiday Season for losing loved ones. I think back to my friend's friend that died in November of cancer in her early 30's....she won't be there to watch her daughter open presents this Christmas. Her husband must be feeling such sadness....I don't even know them but I am praying they find some peace and comfort over the next week and that memories of her bring smiles to their face. Also, my two best friends lost people this week....a Grandfather and an Aunt. I know how much extended family means to me even more so after losing mom and dad. My grandfather is now the glue of the family. My heart goes out to them and their families. I pray Mom and Dad welcome all of these wonderful people into Heaven.....but I know all of us that have lost loved ones know we would much rather have them here with us. As magical I would like to believe Heaven is, doesn't take away the sadness. It's a really emotional time. I want nothing more than to share my children with my Parents.

I am also thinking of my brother and all anyone fighting mental illness in their family. He's making progress and has learned so much about his condition. I will see him on the 30th to bring him dinner and to celebrate a late Christmas. This will be the second time I see him. It's very difficult but I am able to separate him to what he did. That was not my brother and he was very sick. My anger is toward the medication and illness of mental illness not at my brother. I know that's hard for many people to understand but if I thought about him actually taking my Parents life- which I did for the first two years, I would live in such fear and would keep myself away from him to protect my feelings and sadness. I need to accept his illness and do my best to one day accept the way they died. But as I am learning through therapy, that part will always be there...it was too tragic to forget it or to deny it happened. But it will lessen with time but there will always be tears...

Merry Christmas to my Family in Heaven- you are missed everyday, my Brother who will be lonely this Christmas, anyone out there who has lost somebody they loved this year...and to all of my loved ones and friends who provide support, friendship and love to me throughout the year. I end this year thankful....thankful for the beautiful trips I took this year, the visits with friends, the birth of my Son and the sweetness he brings to my life, watching Elle grow into a beautiful smart almost 3 year old, spending time with my Grandfather who is healthy and enjoying his life after heartache, another great year at SC Johnson filled with a promotion and another best in class award, Ted's career change to a World Class organization, my nephew's success in Soccer and Hockey and lastly, I am thankful my Sister has passed her first semester of Nursing School.

All my love and hope for another year filled with blessings and success...and that my parents memory lives on and that 2012 brings us closer to peace....

Melissa

Chicago

Even though Ted traveled extensively this last year and even more so after Harrison was born, I feel terrible leaving the two kids when traveling for business. It's harder for Men. They at times don't know the little tricks and stress over multi-tasking. I have a system in the morning when he is gone. It's a lot of work but its manageable if you plan right. Evenings are tough. You walk through the door at 6pm, both kids need to eat, be changed, bathed, Grace needs to eat and go out, their bags need to be unpacked.....it's a long day for the kids at school so I always hold Harrison while trying to get everything done. I am thankful, though, that I am rewarded at work for my hard work and dedication for the business and company. I was awarded last week- the best in class award- for my team. I had a really good year but it was even more exciting because it was the year I was pregnant and welcomed a new baby to the World, a time where some shift priorities and yet I somehow managed to get it all done. This is a great place to work and leaving the kids all day will always be hard but at least its for a good reason and to give them a wonderful life with options. I hope I have the ability one day to take them on tours to any college they would like to attend.

We hosted a nice Holiday happy hour with our friends this past weekend & I ran the church Christmas party for St Marys on Sunday which was a success and the busy weekends won't stop until the New Year which is how I like it during this time of the year. The key for me is to keep busy. It's when I stop, hear a sad Christmas Carol, looking at my Mom's tree, that the painful reminder of my family missing returns. It comes in waves. I see pictures of Aydan, Elle and Harrison and while I am so proud of what amazing children they are- I am SO sad my Parents cannot be here to share these special memories with us all.

We have Ted's new companies' Christmas party this Friday and then breakfast with Santa and some of Elle's friends on Saturday at the sports club. Following weekend we get to head back to MI for our annual Griswold Christmas party with our best of friends.....look forward to spending time with everyone as we approach the end of another year....

En route to Chicago today. Hoping to make a stop on Magnificent Mile and enjoy a fun, trendy, dinner out with a co-worker after a long day of training! Chicago is my favorite city and I know it will look very festive and all lit up! I have so many cherished memories from living in Chicago out of College, having my Parents visit, being engaged, having such fun with my roomate Nicky.....

All my love,
Melissa

thankful

I love having my family at my home....a sense of comfort comes over while they are here...like your parents do, your Aunt and Uncle care about you and your children a great deal especially when you are as a close to my Aunt as I am and the fact that she had such a special bond with my Mom and Dad makes it even more important that the closeness remains. I can be myself. I can say what I want. They feel comfortable in my home. They are proud of me. I SO miss that. I miss more than anything having my Parents around and seeing me as a Mom and seeing all of the good things that Ted and I are doing and the parents and people we have become over the last 3 1/2 years...having family/siblings of my Parents around makes it less painful...

We walked to our town square Friday evening, saw the decorations and lights up making Hyde Park look even more quaint and festive ....after Elle confirmed she didn't like Santa, we headed into the local coffee/wine shop and split a bottle of wine and chatted while Elle ate cookies and milk and Harry smiled at everyone that walked by. It was nice and relaxing. My Aunt and Uncle like being where the action is...they enjoy our town. Saturday Ted made a wonderful Turkey and I made a bunch of sides and dessert...and we just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. I got to do a little shopping around with Harry and my Aunt...again, just really nice to spend time with my own Family....a breathe of much needed "fresh air".

Dad, were you laughing or pissed off when I screamed at Ted as he picked up the turkey to transfer it to the platter and grease dropped all over MY counter? I know you would have been in the kitchen all weekend cooking if you were here. You always got mad and defensive when I was overbearing with Ted "I'm outta here". I haven't changed ( just in case you were wondering!). You would be so proud of your big sister...she's about done with her Masters degree and is considering a PHD...pretty impressive over 50.... she is truly reinventing herself. I look at our family- many of us suffered great pain from your loss and yet we are still honoring your lives by remaining close, enjoying each other, smiling at your pictures or laughing and at times crying- when we reminisce. I am proud to be a part of this Family. We are not perfect. Some are stronger than others....some have held it in......but we are doing okay, Dad. Tell Mom your Sister and I put a huge dent in the "Belgian" chocolates and cookies Aunt Diann always brings and that we went back for seconds of the pumpkin creamy pie....things haven't changed here with the love for desserts. I remember when we were all together 4 years ago at the house for fake thanksgiving.....such a memorable weekend....you were missed.

The kids are great. My heart breaks that a happy, adorably cute kiddo like Harry continues to get colds and such.....the first year is SO tough from a sickness perspective. I am staying home (again) tomorrow...this too shall pass.....and it could be so much worse. There are really sick children out there....but it still makes me sad. I would be calling you to tell you about it. You would feel sad too and would want to fix it. Elle talks nonstop, I think she is like me in that way....BUT has totally turned into a Daddy's girl since Harrison. Their favorite tradition has become Saturday Dunkin Donut runs.....chocolate munchkins (I pick my battles)...they both get such enjoyment out of that little time together.

I will miss you both this Thanksgiving...my heart will ache as I sit at the table looking around at everyone and knowing my Family is gone and thinking of Justin alone at the hospital......I will do my best to smile and be thankful for what I had and still hold onto in my heart and for all of the blessings I have received this year with the birth of Harrison and the continued joy Elle brings into my life. And Chris is rocking nursing school. She'll get it done, Mom and Dad...I can feel it.

Thankful for you both and all you have done to make me the person I am today,

Melissa

say hello to her

I remember my friend mentioning her name and story one day when we were walking over maternity leave...."diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer, 31 years old, 6 month year old daughter". I thought, wow...that is terrible but thinking in my head she would make it, they would find a cure. Surely she won't die THAT young and leave her little daughter and husband....

Well, this weekend I received a text message that 7.5 months later after her diagnosis, she passed....a very hard battle......I read a blog post from her youngest Sister the day after she died. I balled my eyes out. She seemed like the most amazing person, beautiful, young, a new Mom, a handsome husband, great family and friends and a person who really gave back to the World and had such strong faith. A person who had an all Holiday Christmas tree up. Her entire family was by her side when she passed. I read the words of her Sister's blog and while I was crying because I could relate (not to her story particularly) but to the fresh pain of those early days of the tragedy, I have no idea what it would have been like to be there. Those early days are shocking, painful and filled with disbelief that "this" could ever happen to "your" family. As I continued to read on about watching her sister take her very last breath and how her daughter was only a year and 1/2 was outside of the hospital room sleeping in someone's arms. She has no idea......her Mom just died and while it seems she has so many loving family members surrounding her, she will never know what it's like to have a Mom. She'll only hear through family and pictures and videos....it sounds like she left such a legacy....I pray her daughter will grow up always feeling presence from her Mom and that she continues to be a huge part of her life. From not even knowing these people and only hearing this all through a friend and a blog, it seems their family was so close........it just hit home for me. I was envious (how dare I say that) that they all got to say goodbye, as painful as it was. They got to hold her hand and hug her and love her and say everything imaginable that you ever wanted to say. And now, because her death was somewhat expected, of course not this soon, but they get to plan a funeral filled with honoring her life and her amazing courage and love for life during a horrific battle. I think back to my parent's funeral. There is so much more I wish we would have done....it was too tragic though but to this family- their story is just as tragic just in a different way. Ugh, death is so hard and when I hear heartbreaking stories such as this they always impact me pretty deeply. I thought about this person who died so young all weekend, I prayed for her Mom and Dad and Husband and Daughter.....how heartbreaking. I know how terribly hard the Holidays will be this year and for many to come. I wish I could hug them and tell them they will eventually be "okay" maybe never the same, but they will get through it and continue to live their lives but will always carry heartache that many will never understand. They will smile and laugh again, I promise.

In the blog she was asking her Sister if Heaven was everything she had imagined...clouds that look like pink cotton candy......I wonder that, too. My faith has been questioned. I want to believe so badly that my Family and this beautiful girl, and my grandparents are in a magical place but it will never replace the deep sadness of wishing they were here. Sometimes I don't care how beautiful Heaven is suppose to be- we needed them here.....I hugged my kids extra tight this weekend....I cannot imagine dying at this age and leaving behind my babies. Missing their entire life....and I also think about how I never want my kids to be as sad as I am about missing their Mom and Dad. I never want them to miss us and avoid happiness and joy at times because they are so consumed that we are not there. I want to raise them to believe and know Ted and I will always be there, no matter what happens. Even when we're long gone....I want them to know we are still there, living through them. Who knows...maybe that's what my parents are wishing for me right now. Maybe they are really sad looking down and seeing how much I miss them. All I want is for them to meet my kids and see me as a Mom. I'm all grown up now in just 3 1/2 years. And just like this family will soon come to face, you won't believe how fast time passes and as you get further and further away from their death, you start to forget what their voice sounded like or what they smelled like when they would hug you....I hate that part. I miss you Mom and Dad.....say hello to this new person up there.....she seemed like an amazing, beautiful, girl.

All my love and hope,

Melissa

Fall is in the air

Now I understand fully why Fall was my Mom's favorite time of the year......I know how proud they would be of their grand kids, Ted and I......here are some of my favorite pics from the Season so far.

Mom and Dad, you're missed more then you could ever imagine....happy Fall and happy Halloween from all of us. WISHING YOU WERE HERE FOR ALL OF THIS....you would be visiting, playing with the kids, Dad would cook, Mom would bake, we would have drinks, you loved our neighborhood....I miss sharing my life with you. Harry has his first ear infection today. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you how cute Elle was trick or treating......and brag how handsome Aydan is these days. You're missing so much. I think you are as sad as I am. You would want to be here. Right?

Love you, Melissa

Working Mother

Wow, traveling with two babies at home, while breastfeeding has been interesting. I am proud I've been able to stick it out but it's challenging when you're traveling across the US to Portland and the three hour time change and trying to keep everything on schedule. I've had to deal with cancelled flights, dinners going over with customers and missing my pumping time. But, it's worked and I am hopeful I can make it to 6 months. That is my goal before switching to formula. I am blessed to work for a great. flexible, family owned company. I am traveling this week in Portland with a fabulous co-worker and after work we've gotten pedicures, had great meals and a glass of wine, and even popped into some cool shops along the way. If I am going to be away from my Family, I am happy to have some fun.

The kids are amazing. Harry is such a beautiful, sweet baby. I cannot explain how chill he is. The child doesn't cry. It's wonderful. He just wants to be held and smiled at and fed and he is HAPPY. Miss Elle is getting smarter by the day....full sentences, full on conversations, counting in spanish, has real feelings now...she'll say that she's not in a good mood or that she's happy and she'll easily identify if someone else is feeling down and tells them "it's okay". She is very sweet and loving. I am so lucky. If only Mom and Dad could meet them and love them like I do...

Fall is here....we have our dear friend visiting this weekend that is moving to Hawaii for 6 months, we've booked our family vacation to St John for next year, Ted is pursing a new opportunity, Chris is plugging away at Nursing School, Aydan continues to be an all star in soccer and hockey, I finally get to meet our new niece over Thanksgiving, I am seeing Justin again for the second time over the Holidays....lots of things are happening. Life is happening, quickly.

a year since A healing heart

Wow, amazing weather this weekend...enjoyed some "family time"...

I realized today that it's been a year since "A Healing Heart"...it's tough when I read through those pages of my first year after the loss. It almost gets harder as the years go by....so hard to think it's getting longer and longer that I last saw my Family together. But, I know this legacy I have left behind for my children to one day read makes this project beyond special. They may not understand now, or even years from now, but one day.....they will read it and get it....to the best of their abilities. They will know how special my Parents were. But will never replace actually knowing them yet provides some peace to my heart....I would love to work with Wayne Holmes again one day....I have so much to "say" since this tragic loss, facing my brother, hating mental illness, giving birth to beautiful babies, living out of State and on our own, having amazing friendships yet difficult relationships, being let down, not able to "let go", owning a second home that was your parents and how you want to hang on to it because you feel it's all you have left of them but deep down you don't even enjoy being there anymore....there is so much to say, to be heartbroken about but also so proud and thankful for. Thank you, A healing heart......you will live on......