Headed to the beach house

When Ted and I lived in Boston for three years, we got the happiness of getting to know Ted's Aunt, Uncle and cousins who lived in New England. They took us in immediately...inviting us down to their beloved beach house in Waterford, CT that sits on the Long Island Sound. It's a really beautiful place and like Mom and Dad's lake house, the stress goes away upon arrival and you find yourself in complete relaxation mode. Our days are spent lounging on the Dock reading a good book, tubing or attempting Wind Surfing, eating Lobster at a cool little shack type restaurant and ending the day with some Wine, Ice Cream, maybe a fire or a Movie.
It's super casual and comfortable and Ted and I always got the room with the "twin beds".

I am headed there this weekend before the Summer is over. It couldn't be better timing. My parents were here this time last year to celebrate my Birthday so it will be nice to be with Family. However, it's also very difficult knowing they would have been in Cincinnati with me this year. They would come down and we would got out to dinner. Dad would help around the house, probably power wash our much needed deck and patio. Mom would bake us a cheesecake and we would stay up late sipping Wine and playing cards. We would go out for my Birthday and Dad and Ted would sit at the bar while Mom and I danced. I always thought I was so lucky to have young parents. I loved saying my Mom just turned 50 years old last April. They were so full of life. Never went to bed early and they were always up for anything as long as it involved fun shared with Family and Friends.

With suffering from such a huge loss, it's hard to call myself lucky by any stretch these days but I know I am because I still have wonderful relationships with my Family. I find it very cool that I can spend the weekend with Ted's Aunt, Uncle and cousins without Ted going with me. We are that close and I am lucky to have them in my life.

I received the very first letter from Justin today. It was 3 pages long. Incredibly heart wrenching, sad, scary and real. I cannot imagine what goes through his mind each and every day knowing that he took away the lives of the two most important people in his life.
For this moment I need to something to blame and I am blaming the medications. It's not for debate but I am certain by weaning off one of his meds after so many years made him incredibly paranoid, anxious and he believed things that were absolutely not true. The particular medication he was still on was used by one of the Columbine Shooters. I am not saying there was a connection but this story, that has changed my life forever, is opening my eyes to the world of medications and frankly, I am scared to death of them.

For three days, I can put some of this aside and enjoy my life with the Special people who are still here on Earth.

I am so sorry Mom and Dad that you will not get to spend another Birthday with me. I know in my heart you would have been here and you still will be....in spirit.

The "trendy"church

Ted and I recently started going to this really cool church in our area. Have you ever heard such a thing? A really cool church. Well, for starters, you get really good coffee when you get there that you can bring into the service. Awesome. Prior to going into the auditorium (yes, it's that big), you get to network with other people in the community. You can wear whatever you want (gym clothes, dressy clothes or jeans) and the best part that I love the most is the band. This band is amazing. The drummer was even asked to leave "Crossroads" to join John Mayer's tour and he turned it down! So aside from the band, really the favorite part for me is that everyone is welcome. No matter what stage you're in with your relationship with God. Sure I went to a Catholic church all growing up, 1st communion, confirmation and all. But I went because I had to. That sounds bad but when you're young you really don't understand the whole purpose. Even at 28 years old, I still don't understand it but I am trying.

Ted is out of town this week so my friend and I went to the Wednesday evening service. I really felt this particular service was directed toward me. As if they were talking to a room of hundreds of people but only looking at me. The minister wasn't there today so the band members ran the service. One of the guys talked about how he has been weeping for the last few months and how angry he is with God right now and how he is questioning his Faith. He asked God to please pull him out of this state he is in. The other guy spoke about his Sister's death. His younger Sister died a few weeks ago and how bumpy the last few years have been for him. The New York Times called him to interview him about his Sister and how someone pretty religious is handling something so tragic. I loved his response but I cannot quote it because I do not remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of the Times saying how Christians go around saying God is always good no matter what and his response was, well...then I have a different meaning of what Good is then God. People were shocked by his response! Asking him if he would be fired since he does work at a "church". Isn't God always good in Christian's minds?! I guess they just expected someone very religious to say, oh this was God's plan, etc, etc, etc. That's just it, Crossroads accepts every type of person no matter if they're angry at God or if someone is confused and looking to have a relationship with God. I am that person! I am confused, sad, angry and really don't believe in miracles right now as I didn't get my miracle. They didn't make it. They didn't miraculously pull through and live. My parents are gone. And I feel let down by God. But, I pray this life isn't all there is and that when you're gone it's a whole new beginning.....

So, needless to say Ted and I are trying this Crossroads thing out. We have been out of town for the last several months but we'll try to go as much as we can. If anything, it's a place to reflect and to remember. At this point, I will give just about anything a try.....

Another reason why I felt I really had to go tonight was the call I received from my Brother's lawyer. Justin is through with his medical evaluation. I cannot talk about this on the Blog for legal reasons, but just as I had known in my heart all along. That wasn't Justin. That was not my Brother for that moment of time. It makes this all so much harder, confusing and sad. No matter what the outcome is, my parents will not be brought back and my Sister and I will be living with the sadness we have for our Brother, and the loss of Mom and Dad...forever.

Praying for Mom, Dad and Justin all of the time (and myself...occasionally).

Your Daughter

He made it through surgery!

I finally got a positive phone call from Christina....my Grandpa made it through surgery. Not sure at this point what they found or removed, but he made it through.

He is now in intensive care so they can carefully monitor his heart. He has significant pain but my Sister and Aunt Kim were able to visit with him. I am so thankful he made it through.......now for his heart to be in good shape during the recovery process. Christina and others will visit every day. Wonderful news. So happy he has Family there without Mom being there by his side.

Thank you for your prayers, emails and phone calls I received.

As a family, we couldn't handle anymore bad news and I am hopeful I will have Gramps in my life for many years to come.

Hang in there Grandpa

Mom was worried about her Dad. A few months before my Mom passed away, they had found a mass in Grandpa's colon that could be cancerous. Unfortunately, his heart wasn't strong enough to take surgery so they had to wait and continue testing. The time has come where the specialists believe they must perform the surgery and they are going to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. Mom was always there for Grandpa. They shopped together, called each other often, spent time with each other up at the Lake. And wow did my Dad and Grandpa have the best relationship a Son-n-law and Father could have. Their relationship sort of reminded me of Ted and my Dad's. Sure, they respected one another but they were comfortable enough to rip on each other which made their relationship fun. My Grandpa told me over Memorial day that my Dad was not just a Son-n-law, he was his best friend. It was hard to hear those words.



So, Mom and Dad....Grandpa goes into surgery tomorrow and will be recovering in the hospital for at least a week if not longer. Christina will visit often and Aunt Kim is taking the day off work. Eve is going to call all of us when he is out of the surgery to give us all an update.



Grandpa will do just fine. We need him to do fine. We need him in our lives for many more years. He raised my Mother, he walked her down the aisle, he held me when I was first born, we've spent every Christmas eve with him and now more then ever, we need our Grandfather. Our Grandfather's are the closest thing left to our parents.



Here is Grandpa holding me at one week old.

Here's Mom holding me at 10 months old at the beach up-north (see Grandpa waving his arms in the background?)

And here's Eve, Grandpa and Mom or "Patty" as Grandpa would call you, at Dad's 50th birthday party.

Watch over him for us and pray for a quick recovery.

They'll take care of your Dad, don't worry........

Wishing you were here,

Melissa

a new marriage, an old memory...

This weekend we got the chance to go back to our wedding reception site, Bay Pointe Golf Club to attend a wedding. 5 years later. Here we took a picture at the exact same spot where we stood for our wedding pictures.....

I have to admit, I spent the majority of the time picturing my parents flow through their crowd of friends with the biggest grin upon their faces on my wedding day (great guest..huh?). In particular, Dad. I will never forget this one picture I saw of him. He was carrying a beer walking through the crowd as if he was the proudest Father on the planet, for that one special day. I know he was proud to put on a wedding at a snazzy little place (although his first recommendation for a wedding site was the VFW haul..) and serve his best of friends a wonderful meal, endless cocktails and the opportunity to dance with his 1st and oldest daughter. (the very first time I ever saw my Father dance and the very last..) Both my Family and the Close Family put on a wonderful celebration all of us would remember (although our friend Josh says to do this day, he only remembers going to the wedding, doesn't remember leaving....must have been the 6 hour open bar....so we were young, that is the only excuse I can come up with!).

Of course, I cried when the bride danced with her Father on the very exact dance floor I danced with Dad. My Sister-n-law Jackie was sitting next to me. I told her how my Sister cannot have a traditional wedding when she gets married one day. She cannot be put through not having this.

I look forward to the day when I can once again be happy at a wedding and truly be happy watching the Family and all of the traditions that go along with it. It's just hard.

A few more pictures of the Close girls this weekend....

My two biggest joys of the weekend were spending a few hours at the pool on the hot, sunny day with your Grandson Aydan. He is becoming quite the little fish.

And then with visiting Grandpa Olszowy today. Whether we are talking (yelling because he can barely hear me) about the War he fought in China or how to say I love you in Polish, I feel that much more closer to Dad as I spend time with him.

Missing you every day,

Melissa

Princess Grace turns two

Well, she made it. Gracie Rosebud Close is officially 2 years old today.

The first year we had her was constant doctor visits, medications, high Vet bills, worry, a few emergency runs and an invasive surgery. But for the last year, she has been perfect. Knock on wood.

Today when I got in from Seattle, we drove her up to Hyde Park Square (although a short walk for an adult, it's a long haul for an English Bulldog). We brought her into to the trendy dog boutique, "Hyde bark". She got to pick out a new collar (with pink and black skulls--very fitting), a delicious Dog cookie (I tried it....pretty good), and a new Toy. She started terrorizing the owners' little black Yorkie, so we quickly paid and escorted Grace out of the store. She is getting awfully snooty in her older age...especially with Female dogs.

Gracie brings so much happiness and comfort to my life. Although she is much more well behaved for Ted, it's hard to stay mad at someone who is as cute as she is. The unconditional love she has for us is exactly what we need during a time like this and always.

I am going to enjoy every minute I have with her as she is truly our best friend.

Your little grand dog is growing up...I wonder if she would still barge into your room and steal your infamous socks and slippers. I am pretty certain of this.

Here is a picture of Grace from last year's bday ( I have some from today but I am incredibly exhausted from the travel and would love nothing more then to try and get some sleep).

On another note, I spoke with Christina today after she left the Jail. Justin put a letter in the mail today for me. I dread getting it. It will be so very hard to see my brother's handwriting, from jail. He's missing you just as much as we are and is trying to make sense of this. I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare......but, I am clearly wide awake and the nightmare is reality. My new world... that I must somehow manage to accept one day.

Love always,

Your daughter

Jet-Lag

Within my job responsibilities, I manage some of our Accounts on the West Coast and Northwest. This week my travels brought me to Orange County, CA and Seattle, WA.

First stop-California. My co-worker Don and I had a productive day and ended it with dinner at one of my most favorite restaurants, Las Brisas in Laguna Beach. The guacamole is incredible and the view is stunning as seen below.

Next day we had some appointments near Los Angeles and we stopped for a burger at SoCal's classic burger joint, In and Out Burger. Extremely tasty....

Don is a great person to travel with given his professional and personal life experiences. He has a great outlook on life and offers up some really good advice. He's very sensitive to the tragedy and has really given me some good tips. We were talking about the Holidays and how badly I am dreading them. He told me to do something different on Christmas Day, where I would normally spend at Mom and Dad's. He said, "sponsor a family through your church and bring them gifts and Christmas Dinner, the joy you will get out of seeing their smiling faces will bring a lot of good". Do something different and special. He also thought hosting Christmas at my Grandfather's house would be a wonderful way to bring the Family together, which was so important to my Parents and will remain incredibly important to my Sister and I. We must keep on the tradition of being with my Family on Christmas Day. That was our day. "Incorporate their traditions into your own, Melissa."

On our flight to Seattle, I turned my computer on to do some work and ended up sharing with Don about 200 photos of my parents. He commented on what a wonderful family we had and he touched my shoulder with great sympathy and said, "you still have Ted, Christina and Aydan and they need you." He also gave me some wonderful ways to continue honoring my parents through a potential benefit next April. It feels good to talk about my Family. I have so many wonderful memories with them up until the end, it's hard not to smile when I think back. It's the end that's so difficult......

After a long day of work in Seattle, we were ready to have some fun. We checked out the University of Washington's beautiful campus, even bought some "Huskie" sweatpants. Then we ventured to Pike Market and grabbed a latte at the original Starbucks coffee, walked around the market and admired the stunning Flowers ( a full arrangement for $10..) and bought a cookie at a local bakery what was almost as big as my head. I walked past the place I had purchased Mom's hand painted "Seattle" magnet that I had bought for her last year. She always loved little trinkets from places I would visit.