tragedy.

Man it is so hard to watch this coverage on the Colorado shootings. While there were so many details to our family tragedy I opted to not know, I find myself wanting to know the details in this public case....like my brother, this young man had access online to so many things that made it possible for him to do the unthinkable. It sure is terrible it is that simple to collect guns, bullets and all of the supplies over a 6 month period and cause no warning signs to anyone. I feel for all of the people who have died and to the family members left behind in such a tragic event...

I swear, ever since Mom and Dad have passed....I now see tragedy in the World, in people I know.....I hear terrible stories every month...a suicide, cancer, illnesses, car accidents....surely this was happening four ago but not to people I knew. It's happening all around me now.

Hearing people who survived the Colorado tragedy feel so blessed to be alive and are hugging their children a little tighter these past few days. I wish that stuck with me. I should feel lucky to be alive each and every day. My parents would give anything to be here. And I could have been home that week as well and never had the chance to experience being a Mom or to continue my life with Ted and all our friends and extended family. I need to be more thankful despite the sadness but it's all easier said than done. I've learned we are all stronger than we think but it doesnt mean it's easy. I was watching my neighbors house as I was watering the lawn.....both sets of grandparents were over playing with the kids. To them  this is normal. To me that is something I miss out on every day of my life. Sharing my life and family with my parents. It's a huge void that is always with me yet I am proud I continue to push forward and never stop living. Had a wonderful friend over this evening for a playdate (and wine of course) while our husband's attended this cool beer tasting event in the square.....it was a busy evening chasing the kids around but so much fun as well.

We continue to keep busy with the kiddos and hanging with such great people.....we'll head back to MI again next weekend to see our family and friends for a long weekend...and then it will soon be my 33rd birthday. Yikes. Where is the timing going....seems like yesterday I was out with my parents here celebrating my 28th...we had such a blast that night!

Thinking of everyone tonight in Colorado and to anyone else who has suffered from tragedy and mental illness.

All my love,
Melissa

This weekend was great (even with both of the kiddos having a low grade fever...I swear its a weekly occurrence for Harry). Speaking of the prince, he is walking. He still prefers crawling but he can take 10-15 steps when he feels like it so that has been fun to watch and cheer him on. He's such a sweetie but boy is he attached to his MOM. Totally my fault as I never put him down his first year of life. Ted just looks at me and laughs...."you did this", he says!

These are the type of weekends that makes me feel normal...we hosted a casual dinner party on Saturday with two AWESOME couples and their sweet children. We made some yummy food and had drinks and chased the kids around. Sunday, Ted and I met up separately with one of the couples to run a few miles then we all met up again later at the pool...it's been a lot of fun to have great friends that have kids that like to have a lot of fun like we do. Everything was going great and I think for several hours I even forgot my Parents were dead...until later this evening, Justin kept calling. That's when reality sets back in...things were normal, we have such great friends here, we just got back from an amazing vacation, work is going well....but, I still have a mentally ill brother who took my Parent's life. I still have to face this every day and I have plans to see him in a few weekends when we are back in MI. Alone this time so Ted can stay with the kids and our friends. I care for my brother very much and I worry about him...he's made SO much progress with still a ways to go either way it saddens me. I just want to be normal and enjoy my life, my kids, my friends....I wish I had parents, and a brother and I wish my Sister and I could just be sisters....and that we didn't have the stress of the lake. I wish, I wish...I guess the big positive is everything else going in our life is wonderful but the tough stuff is really tough...

But, this weekend was great and I go to bed thinking of my Family and being thankful for our wonderful friends here and the fun we continue to all have together and thinking of all of our friends in MI, PA, AZ, MA, VA and everywhere else....we miss you all so much.

Leaving you with pics from our beautiful vacation in St John that I meant to post last week....a few of my favorites...

All my love, Mom and Dad.....Melissa

Back to reality

Vacation was beautiful. St John is a stunning place that I would visit over and over. But, it was defintley not much of a relaxing vacation with the kids (in particular, a one year old) but, I'm so happy Elle will have these memories with us and GRandparents. I couldn't help but think why I was there how much fun my folks would have had with all of us...they were so missed. I still at times, even though it's been four years, am in disbelief that they are missing this and are gone. While many think I have moved on ( or forward is the word I prefer), I often question that. Have I really faced the deep sadness and reality? I think I have... it really became clear after seeing my brother for the first time but there are still days of struggle but less tears and more joy through my own family and friends. I continue to be amazed at how blessed Ted and I are but it hasn't been easy. Their death has impacted my life forever. Some of my favorite memories about vacation: -drinking coffee on the villa's massive patio overlooking the Bay while chasing Harry around -visiting the beach and truly taking in how beautiful it was -watching Elle enjoying the pool, beach and sand -eating yummy meals made by Ted -nap time and being able to sit in the sun with a frozen cocktail -chatting on the patio at night, with ted's parents, over drinks and laughter -watching Harry taking several steps and us all cheering -throwing rocks in the Ocean for my Dad. It was a special moment. I wish I could have done more for my Dad on his special day...but everyone was focused on packing up. I thank God I had the relationship I had with my Dad and the memories keep me going of what we did do for Dad while he was alive and how much he did for others and enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends...I miss him every day. We'll head to Harrison soon to spend a weekend at the lake...I don't know what the future holds but I can't wait to be there with the kids and Ted and I am beyond thrilled to see my grandfather and aunt and uncle....and our best bud Josh who has been living in Hawaii and was just married in Canada is meeting us up there. He has been an incredible life-long family friend that we can always count on and is always there. He's always asking about the kids and making the effort to see us though his life has been crazy. I can't wait to celebrate with him up at the lake....And potentially plan a visit next year to Hawaii to see him over our 10 year anniversary. Watch over my friend fighting cancer, Mom and Dad....I miss you guys SO much...miss your laughter...love you always. Melissa