thinking of a families loss

Thinking of my good friend who lost her ex-husband this month and was laid to rest today, she is speaking at his funeral. They were together for 16 years. Sweethearts all through middle & high school. They were never apart...they decided to go their separate ways after they did try marriage. I was also very good friends with his Sister. She and I ran track together all through middle school & high school. They have wonderful parents. My heart aches for them to bury their Son at such a young age but more so how he passed. It was a tragic event - he committed suicide. Suicide scares me so much. It breaks my heart. I know how numb and in shock his family is right now....they are thinking they could have stopped it, they will have regret, they are wishing it wasn't their family, they are blaming themselves. All of these feelings I felt before and it's terrible. I am sure they are receiving a ton of support and they will soon have to return back to their life....sure I returned back to work but it didn't hit me until weeks after they passed that they were truly gone. I will never forget that moment - I've written about it before. I was driving and it hit me. I was screaming uncontrollably "mommy". I couldn't believe they weren't there to call. I pray his entire family & friends can somehow get past how he died and remember happily how he lived...but its the hardest thing to do. The tragedy takes over all of the good....and you have to dig so deep in your heart to accept the awfullness of the death....and know they are not in pain and they hopefully didn't feel a thing.
Death is everywhere and I notice it so much more now that my parents died. These stories impact me and I feel badly for days after I hear this type of news. I think its because I can relate to the shock and sadness and I now know normal happy families can experience tragedy when it's least expected. I know that anything is possible and so many things are out of our control.

I worry about raising kids in this kind of world. I want to shelter them from everything...depression, drugs, drunk drivers, bully's, guns...I worry so much now...I hugged and kissed my kids a lot this weekend...I am so thankful I have them and I pray from here on out my family can live a life with less heartache, continued success and happiness and a peaceful heart that my parents are OKAY enjoying their eternal life. A day won't go by that I won't think of them. Tears will still flow wishing they were here.....but I know how quickly life can be taken away...we have to enjoy our loved ones and friends as much as possible....

4 years.

You've been gone for 4 years. So much time has passed, Mom and Dad. I have children now-do you believe it? I've changed positions several times, Ted no longer has all of those samples you used to take home since he switched companies, Christina is a nursing student, and Aydan is an all-star athlete in the 2nd grade, Grandpa's health is good...he continues to travel to FL for the Winter and we see him often. I can't believe you have missed all this?

I get glimpses of what life would be like if our family was back together and how it would feel to have a Mom and Dad and to have a "home" to go back to. I miss that sense of security and after a really good therapy session today we got to the bottom of some of my expectations of others & disappointment in some. It comes down to my sense of security being lost and the closeness I shared with my Mother causes me to have a major void and I look to fill that closeness and value connectedness very strongly even though others may not. Of course I understand not all people are like me but after you go through a tragedy, trust me....many things that you never would have thought of become clear and it sucks. You think, look, and feel everything....to a fault.

Nonetheless the anniversary of your death was a beautiful sunny day. Christina, Aydan and Cindy were in town and with some of our friends, we all walked throughout Hyde Park in honor of your memory - we ended in the square at a little wine shop for a champagne toast and some food and my most favorite part of the afternoon was watching the kids letting go balloons (in red and blue) and watching them float up into the sky toward the clouds....off to heaven. I hope they made it to you. I have no idea if you can really see us down here. Sometimes I hope you cannot because I think you would be sad. Other times I pray you do see us and that sadness isn't possible and you only feel happy thoughts and are proud of what you do see.

I'm still so dang sad that you are gone but I continue to live my life, with some struggles but moving forward regardless...we have such great friends, fabulous summer vacations planned this year, lots of visitors this month which is exciting and fun with the kids....Elle started soccer last weekend.....OK, so she inherited some speed from your daughter. Yah me, hello.....we had no idea she could run like that and kick a ball. It was so cute. And, your sweet, innocent grandson Harry has turned a little feisty on me. He is going to be a mover and shaker I think. I originally was thinking he was going to be laid back like the two of you but I am not too sure now.

Well, I love you both with all of my heart and your Family and friends miss you so much. I would do anything to bring you back and to get a sign that you're OK and happy. My heart will forever ache for the way you died but I am so proud of the resiliency of this Family. I know some of us are struggling more than others. I continue to hope for the best and I'll still try to do my best to keep the family together like you both always did. It's hard though...I'm realizing our gift of togetherness is not something everyone values but I know it's something that is natural for us. I will continue to pray for peace in all of our hearts...I hope your happy and together and not sad that we're sad....we'll be OK, we just miss you so much but know one day we will see you again...

All my love,

Melissa