can I really do this?

I don't know if I'm ready for this....I start picturing my Sister, Ted and I sitting in the room when all of sudden my brother walks in. I am so afraid of fainting or all of sudden having a major anxiety attack. If I start thinking enough about it even now, I get myself so incredibly worked up. But I have to help my Sister and go......she is going through so much right now and her life is being flipped up in the air.......I wish so badly this rain cloud would leave my family alone. I wish everyone was financially stable, had support around them, and were all healthy and happy.

I am so fearful that the second I see my brother the intense feelings and emotions of the day my Parents were killed will come crashing back. I can almost guarantee it. He wants us to bring his favorite pizza and pop. He wants us to all eat. I will throw up if I eat. I don't want a deep therapy session with him. I am so afraid of facing the reality and realness of this. I just want to tell him I know you were sick. We are so happy you are here safe. And just ask him about his health, the facility, etc. I think that's all I can handle. I know he wants me calling more and I know how badly he too needs support and that is why I have to go. I have pushed this off to avoid the real pain of this nightmare. I know I said "I'm not afraid" in my book and its something my Mom, Dad and I always said jokingly, but I am tremendously afraid for this weekend. And now I have to depart for Vegas for a week long high energy national sales meeting.....seeing shows, going to clubs, dinners, meetings.... (while pregnant AND having this in the back of my mind). I'm just worried....I am worried about my Sister, my nephew-my all-star, my brother....and I am already missing my husband and daughter. I also worry about the baby. I hope this little guy isn't being impacted by the stress and the worrying. I'm so sorry buddy. These three years have been so tough yet we still laugh so much and have so much fun....but there is so much "stuff" to worry about. I honestly think most would fail in these shoes. I know this sounds terrible. I don't know why I can keep walking with my head filled high. I have to literally fight it every single day. I understand why some people cannot get out of bed and why some turn to self medication. I actually can understand. Thank god I was given the most amazing gift of strength and I get through it....and have not skipped a beat with living this life......but it has not been easy. I'll need it more then ever this weekend.........watch over us Mom and Dad. I know this is your Son. I love my brother and I miss you, my parents, even more............

I can do this.

Your daughter.

what a weekend

Last weekend was one word, AWESOME. Friday, I got to take my Grandfather and Eve out to breakfast in our little neighborhood center. Over coffee and my Belgian waffle, I got to sit and chat with Gramps about life, the baby, their travels to FL, the lake the Summer....and it was so nice to see him healthy and happy. I know how much pain still exists within him, I can see it in his eyes when he quickly catches a picture of my Mom. Grampa does well and laughs a lot and can handle talking about Dad. They were like best friends. Boy did he have stories to share but it's very difficult for him to talk about his Patty. Imagine your daughter dying that way. Losing a child at a young age or 50 years old has to be so traumatic. I feel for him and my heart breaks he had to see this in his lifetime. I know we both bring each other some peace when together. My grandpa has been in my life and a huge part of it since I was born....never missed anything....and I am so thankful for that. He has been on this journey with me. I pray for continued health for him. He deserves it and selfishly, I need him. Once he is gone, my parents and all 4 of my grandparents will be in Heaven. We really need him here.

Saturday around 7am Ted came driving up the driveway and Elle and Grace quickly ran to the back door and were literally "screaming" once they saw him (well Elle was, Grace was jumping everywhere). He opened his suitcase and passed out gifts of Longchamp bags, chocolates, cool kitchen towels from Brugge, some clothes for the little guy that Carolyn helped pick out for him and a handmade stuffed pig he found for Elle. My stomach was a tad off and I know he was exhausted but we loaded up the car an hour later, dropped Gracie off at doggie daycare for the day and night and headed about 5 hours to St Joe, MI to spend the evening and next morning with some of my most treasured friends! My one girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful girl a few months back and we all wanted to get get together and make this an annual tradition, visiting each others homes, and making the time and effort to be together. It was a fantastic day there.....we got there and the girls took off for pedicures....sitting there relaxing in a massage chair with 3 great friends next to me was a great feeling and then to come back and have a nice dinner, watch Elle play and have the girls give her lots of kisses and hugs was so much fun. Elle also loved the new baby and I was proud of how she overall behaved. She's been such a good girl and has adjusted so well to our "on the go" lifestyle. I am hoping this little guy is ready for the action as well. I know I overbook myself to help block out the sadness in my life but it's all I know to do. I love surrounding myself with friends, family, dinners and good times. I know how precious life is and how my parents never passed on the opportunity to get together with people. I hope my life can always be this flexible. I want to be there for people and to make memories with our friends no matter what the distance is. If everyone puts in the effort, it is sure to last a lifetime. I feel very good about this.

Sunday morning, we drank coffee together, ate a nice breakfast, starred out at the water......and then said our goodbyes. I am so thankful for their friendship and our ability to make time for each other even though we are all busy new MOMS now! We all inspire each other in different ways, it's pretty cool. I know I can count on these woman to be there through the good, sad and life's twists and turns it may take. They have always been there.

This weekend was proof that while there is much sadness in my heart and great fear for seeing my brother, I am still surrounded by love through my Grandfather, my girlfriends, my husband and daughter.....I am still so lucky.

Grandpa is coming!!!!

My Grandfather and Eve come to Cincinnati today and I couldn't be more happy and excited. When I am around him, I feel at peace. He clearly raised my Mother, got to watch her children grow and had one of the best Father/Daughter relationships I have ever witnessed. Just pure unconditional love and involvement in each other's lives. I know how much this loss has hurt him, he was very, very close with my Mom and Dad and saw them very frequently up at the lake, traveled together (Vegas, cruises, etc), shopped together, and I know how heartbreaking it has to still be for him. But that generation and a lot of times men in general, keep it all inside. Whereas I on the other hand, want the entire world to know how much I miss my Parents. I am so afraid they will be forgotten but I know for us and so many of their friends that its not possible. It kills me everyday they are not here to see Elle and my growing belly and to help Chris out with Aydan. Every day there is a reminder that they are gone....and the tragedy and the way they died will live with us forever.

The sadness and pain is just becoming more manageable....I know I am ready to see my brother next month but I am so worried to face the real reality.

I am cooking (again) this evening and making a cheesecake for dessert. Not one of my Mom's famous homemade versions (I don't want to make anyone sad or think) plus I am not good at them anyway like her or my Sister for that matter. I am going with a no bake version...but its still a "cheesecake" and it will be good.....Grandpa and Eve will head out to FL tomorrow....so hoping to take them to breakfast at a local spot in Hyde Park.

Looking forward to seeing my Grandfather and for Elle to continue to get to know her only Great Grandpa. I am so thankful he is alive, healthy and mobile. He has the flexibility and fun for life just like my parents did. I am so lucky to have had all of these amazing influences in and around my life....we all have faults of course but my family's ability to put people first before themselves and the gift of entertaining, family and friends is admirable. I am proud to carry on that tradition.

I am spending time with your Dad, Mom. I know how happy this would make you! And it makes me even happier knowing how true this is. We miss you and Dad every day so very much.

Melissa

Elle's weekend...all about miss Elle and her friends.

She baked, she ate lunch with her friends, she read stories with her favorite neighbor, she played outside and went on lots of walks with Mommy. Mommy is tired with a sore back. I over did it this weekend.....and it wasn't even a lot....I wish I could let some things in the house go..like crumbs (they drive me crazy) and fingerprints and dog hair......I did however leave the laundry in the washer tonight. I'm fine with that. I successfully hosted a play date and cooked my friends dinner for the evening and I am not making this up but the words from my friend's consisted of "restaurant quality". I was like excuse me? It was a pretty good fresh mozzarella chicken parm with an Arugula salad. Not bad. Easy food for the rest of the week...I wrote out 20 Valentines for Elle's party tomorrow at school, and have treats for the kids....she is sure to have a blast tomorrow especially since there are cookies and lots of treats involved.

Awaiting my girls weekend that is upcoming....Ted, Elle and I will head to St Joe, MI to meet one of my best girlfriends baby (IZZY!) and catch up with my girls that I love so dearly. With everything going on and facing my brother soon, I need girl time and I cannot wait to see them and even more thrilled they will get to see Elle too.

All my love,

my back hurts

my dream for my boy

I came across this when browsing online for the baby's room wall decor. I saw this, read it and knew it had to be framed for his room. It's perfect and it's exactly what I think of when I think of boys. I know all of these things are everything my Parents had hoped for my brother. And, my brother got to do most of these things, in his childhood. He was such a good boy. So sweet and cute and all boy....he loved to fish and find creatures and play with toads. I can only imagine what my Mother felt when she first held her son and all of the possibilities and then differences of having a girl too. Yet, I imagine mostly what it was like if she knew her Son was taking her life away from her. I want to believe there was no time to know but I bet there was....I bet she saw or knew........I never want to know. I cannot imagine. You bring a child into the world and love them unconditionally all of their life........breaks my heart every day. All I can do is do what my Mom did- raise my children to the best of my ability and hope for the best. I know how proud they would be....this has been hard....I want to experience my wonderful life with my Family put back together. I know they can feel it. Mom would be the same way. She is the only person that would understand why I feel the way I do. She wouldn't just keep saying, but keep going, be strong- she would admit, agree, sympathize that this is the pits. I think only Moms can do that....I know its not possible, as my therapist confirmed, but I seriously think now, Moms solve all of our life's problems. I really believe they are capable of that. But you only realize until you are a Mother yourself and much older. Elle won't believe this until I am long gone....Mothers are pretty powerful and I was lucky to have such a great one. (and barely had a wrinkle on her at age 50....)- she was special.

Cannot wait to meet my Son. A BOY?! Wow......

European vacation

Another weekend at home with Ted and Elle....before Ted's European vacation and extended work travel that is approaching very soon. I'm so happy for Ted that he gets to see Europe again with our friens that we had visited in 09 (so jealous too!). He will land in Paris (aaahhhhh the most amazing city...)and they will drive to Amsterdam, spend a few days there and then head to Belgium....his mission there is to get me chocolate (yeah right, well my mission then....and to take pictures....I'll be lucky if I get two). The chocolate shops there are suppose to be amazing and the scenery looks so beautiful. Our friend Carolyn thinks it may just be her favorite European city aside from Paris. After a day or two in Belgium they will head back to Paris to spend the evening before he departs the following day. LUCKY GUY! I even think my girlfriend is trying to do some shopping for Ted since he won't have too much time in Paris. That makes me excited. We have been blessed for how much travel we have been able to do since we've gotten married and even after our first child. No matter what has come our way and the pain we still feel without my parents and being on our own accepting our new life, I am so impressed with our love to travel, our dedication to experience new things, and to spend time with our friends. No matter how far they are....

We celebrated an early Valentines day dinner with an overpriced heart shaped pizza and cookie shipped from Chicago, took Elle to the aquarium with our friends on Saturday and then later that evening had a friend over (drinks for them, ice cream for me)....Sunday we went to the gym as a Family, had a nice workout, and then decided to just watch the Superbowl with our family of three. Ted made some festive homemade food....potato skins, buffalo chicken sandwiches with real blue cheese and all.....I wasn't that interested in the teams playing this year and we didn't make any plans with anybody or decide to host a gathering. It was a nice day though to be together around the house. Went out shopping for a little while and I cannot stop buying all things blue. While the girl clothes are SO cute and honestly a zillion options, I am liking the challenge in picking threw to find the cutest unique things. I'm much more picky about boy clothes. I don't why, I don't particularly like the typical baby boy clothes but I am finding some fun things and we received our first gift for the little guy which was SO sweet- some adorable little gowns and onesies....

We haven't started the baby room yet but I have narrowed down the bedding and furniture and thoughts for color. We are definitely doing Navy as the base of the room. Then I worry about guest rooms....I want friends and family to still be able to stay here. Sure there are hotels but would love to at least have options for 2 families to be here at the same time. So that and the baby's room will be our focus mid March once Ted's extensive travels are over and after the anxiety of facing my brother has become a reality. I am going to see him in March...still working through the details...I cannot believe three years is almost here. It just doesn't seem right that I haven't seen my family in almost three years and now I am almost a Mom of two. Life is crazy.....

I am worried about when Ted is away. Even when he is here and my family is together, I still feel lonely at times. While I have so many friends I could call, I miss calling my Mom and miss having someone call to check up on ME and my new family. I feel like a kid still at times....not wanting to accept that I am grown up now, a parent, living my own life-a really good one in fact, despite of all this.

I still am fighting that I want to be my Mom and Dad's daughter. I really miss being a daughter.....I am thankful to be able to say I am still a granddaughter and good news, my Grandpa is hopefully stopping in Cincinnati on his way to FL this month. Crossing my fingers....I can't wait.

21 weeks

21 weeks, 10 lbs, and lots of and lots of cravings for all things SWEET. Ted literally has to make a dessert every night. Last night all we had was bag of chocolate chips. He says, "I'll come up with something". After putting Elle down I walked into the kitchen and he pulled out of the fridge these amazing peanut butter/chocolate bars that he somehow whipped up with ingredients we had around the house. My Mom LOVED sweets. She never passed them up. Not only did she love baking, she loved eating them as much as I do. I miss my sweet, wonderful Mom and wish she could see my BOY belly. Carrying much different then with Elle Bell. Showing a lot sooner, which is typical, but much lower. I can feel the pressure.

21 weeks and a little more Winter and Spring to get through.