3rd Christmas

I would have never imagined that Christmas 2007 would be the last Christmas I would spend with my Mom, Dad and brother as a Family. Christina had to work Christmas day so we all gathered at her home for Christmas Eve brunch that year.....and then had Ted's parents to Mom and Dad's for dinner on Christmas Day along with Mom's side of the family and many of their friends stopping by to say hello. I would have never imagined this would be it. The last presents given to and received by them, the last time they would see their grandchild rip open Christmas gifts with the biggest grin on his face. And the last time my Mother got to bake her Christmas cookies and Christmas cheesecakes for family and friends. I would have never imagined this would be it. And here we are going on the third Christmas without them and it's just as painful as the first. More grandchildren have joined our family and another one on the way...I can only imagine how joyful this year would be if they were here. They would be in their glory.......

I will probably never look at the Holidays the same again but I will continue searching for ways to create new traditions and incorporate all I have learned through the years from my Family and the true meaning of togetherness.

We're back in MI until the new year with hopes of keeping busy, seeing friends, enjoying Christmas eve with the Close Family, and seeing my Grandfather and my Mom's siblings on Christmas day. May you all have a Merry Christmas...thank you for the prayers you continue to send our way in hopes for peace in 2011....

Melissa

Christmas wreath

I lost it in English Gardens today picking out my Parents Christmas wreath for their grave. Ted and Gracie waited in the car and I quickly ran in. Then I felt the pressure in my chest. Why was I here? Why am I buying a wreath for my parents and not gifts to wrap and place under the tree. I picked up a really pretty wreath with a bow of much of my Mom's living room colors, and started to cry. I could barely answer the cashier when I asked if I found everything I was looking for.

I walked slowly and tearfully back to the car...and Ted and I drove into St. Hedwigs beautiful cemetery....slow down, there's the four odd looking trees....that's when I know we're almost there. Everything was covered in snow and I wasn't certain we'd find their grave. Ted and I walked up the hill and I could just feel we were close......we scraped off several gravestones until I saw the name Jerome. We found it...and sadly wished my parents a Merry Christmas. I miss my Family. And after I arrived back to Cincinnati...a Christmas card was waiting there from my brother. A gift is still coming. He wrote thoughtful words, words my parents would have loved to hear him say. "I miss you and Ted and I hope you and Ted and Elle have a great Christmas". I felt such sadness in my heart when he asked me if I thought anyone in the family would ever have a relationship with him again. My heart aches for him.

We had a quick weekend in MI but got to do some fun things and I especially enjoyed cheering on the hockey star take his team to victory scoring 2 of the 4 goals, and watching Elle's face lit up as he saw the blow up Santa her Grandparents set up just for her. Elle loved my parents blow up turkey that the Close's put up so we knew we needed something for Christmas. We also got some time with our friends at the annual Griswold Christmas party and enjoyed a fun night out even though once the clock struck midnight, I literally turned into a pumpkin. It was way past my bedtime....but the team enjoyed having me as their "driver" for the evening.

We miss our beautiful daughter but feel so thankful Ted's parents wanted to spend the time with their granddaughter and do some fun Holiday things with her and give us a little break to work, shop, wrap presents and candidly, grab a nice "Adult" dinner for a few days. I know how much my parents would enjoy this time with Elle....Grandparents are a huge part of one's life. I know how badly Aydan misses Gamma and Papa. I deeply cherish my Grandfather that is still with us.

Looking forward to getting back to MI to spend Christmas eve with our family and friends and opening with my Sister Christmas morning and watching Elle. Thrilled she has agreed to come over. We must try new things, Chris as hard as it is....nothing will ever replace our Christmas mornings with Mom, Dad, Justin and us two girls. Such wonderful memories.

Family time in Cincinnati

This weekend was exactly what I needed......time with my Family. Although I was saddened my Sister and nephew had to cancel last minute due to the flu and snowy weather, having my Dad's Sister-my Aunt and Uncle here made me feel closer to my Dad and Grandfather and allowed me to enjoy a little of the Holiday Season. I've always been close with my Aunt. She was the go to person for advice on college, careers, moving around.....she was very close with my Mom and Dad, "my Sister" as Dad always referred to her as. When I am with my Family, I can be myself. They know the good and the bad. We laughed, we joked, we cried and we talked. She shares stories about my Dad, we talk about memories, we looked at a few pictures and shed tears and we talked about my brother. My Sister informed me a Christmas gift is coming from my brother. I am fearful and panicked as I await this gift. I know my brother misses his Family and the Holidays are especially tough. I don't want to receive this gift. I don't want it to make me even more sad thinking of him actually picking this out or ordering it through the hospital. Not only do my Sister and I have to continue to deal with this tragic loss, we still have my brother and we have to deal with things such as this. I know he is lonely, we all are yet I don't want to face it. I don't want to face his sadness too or have him sending me Christmas gifts. I'm really nervous.

Miss Elle loved having her great Aunt and Uncle here....she got to open a few presents and she surely understands gifts and opening now...we took her downtown to show her the tree, the ice rink and ended at Starbucks to sit and chat over a Peppermint mocha. We then headed back to the house for Italian night.....my Aunt is very much like my Dad and takes over the kitchen making a yummy meal. My Aunt and I did a few fun things that made me miss my Mom yet I was so thankful I had someone to do these things with...........we made homemade truffles, went Christmas shopping, talked every morning over coffee and ended every evening with cookies and milk. It was so nice to have family in our newly renovated kitchen and to have them check it out and give us decorating tips and stuff..... We miss my Family but I am blessed with people that have always been in my life... to see me on this continued journey.........now almost a Mother of two. Life has been crazy. I know how proud they would be yet I know my Mom's heart would be hurting just as much as mine....

Thank you for making this season a little brighter.

Melissa

a kitchen at last

I love having the kitchen almost done...there is so much more room and space to entertain.....and having Mom's tree up and some of her decorations- remind me of Holidays at my Parent's home.... Elle, by accident, was admiring this Christmas house I have always adored since my parents died and she pulled it down and it fell to the floor and broke in a million pieces....it wasn't her fault but I was so sad....anything that was my Mom's I don't want to lose and I feel like I don't have that much because I wasn't at their home to go through my childhood things.....bottom line, I was sad to see it go! I wanted to scream, cry and pout....

But, I am thankful for the tree Mommy left behind. It's a perfect little tree that fits nicely into our cozy living room.....

One of our best friends drove in for the weekend. Always wanting to help and take on projects while in town, broke in the new kitchen with his speciality-pizza night, and I enjoyed talking with him over coffee in the morning or while they enjoyed a glass of red wine or beer, I sat there chatting with my NA champagne which I found to taste pretty good....we are so thankful for his friendship and appreciate all of his help since we have moved into this home. Ted's working on a "man room" in the basement so him and Josh spent most of the weekend down there or making trips to Lowes...

Hard to believe we have one weekend left here before we are back in MI for the following weekends for parties and Holiday break....next weekend my Aunt, Uncle, Sister and nephew come into town. So looking forward to time with my Family and to do some festive things over the weekend. It will be exciting to show them the new renovations and be together before Christmas and to show them Cincinnati in December. I can already feel my heart hurt a little more each day as Christmas nears. I still can't believe they are really gone and that they are truly missing all of this and each and every Holiday. It's still so heartbreaking. We miss them so much yet there is nothing we can do to bring them back and our only option is to keep on living as we have been....but these are the times when that becomes extra difficult to do. I think of my brother and praying for him. He's lonely too and will be alone at Christmas as well without his immediate Family. I'm so sorry...