unconditional love

I miss the unconditional love the most. I have come to realize, no one loves you or your children and cares more then your own parents do. I probably have always known that yet it didn't quite dawn on me until my parents were gone and now that I have my own child. Of course friends and family LOVE you and adore your children.......but if your lucky like I was, there's nothing like a parents love. And most of us don't realize it until much later then life. We go through so many different stages as children. I loved the stage when I finally was able to be my Mom and Dad's friend somewhat. After college, after I was married.....I was 100% officially on my own....never again, "I need money!" Your relationship changes and it was great fun having fun with my parents and being more like friends. Elle will probably dislike me for many years but one day when she's all grown up, out of the house, working, married, etc....I will look forward to being her friend. If I'm as lucky as I was with my own Mom.....

I miss calling them and talking about nothing or everything......so many things are happening lately....stupid little things like saving a ton of money by refinancing or getting our quote done for our kitchen rehab....or heading to DC this weekend to see the white house, friends and other fun things.....I want to share my every day life with them. I think that's been one of my biggest struggles. They were so incorporated into my everyday life... more so my Mom.......but I miss having that one person that was always there and always listened. Yeah, it's lonely, and I have great friends and a Sister and other family to reach out too. But it's different. I've always had very close relationships with friends and family but there's certain things you just want to tell your Mom and Dad ya know? I know how proud they would be. They would also be annoyed though and I miss having them be annoyed with me. Our kitchen is great....it's already renovated but it's not very functional and we can't really entertain and have always wanted a big island to stand around with our friends. They would think it was stupid to spend the money. I'd do it anyway and then dad would come down and LOVE all of the extra counter space to do his prep work. Mom would finally have room to store all of her cheesecake stuff when she would visit as opposed to stuffing it one of our small cabinets. I think we're going to stay in this house for a while now so we are in "making it functional" mode....it's such a fabulous neighborhood and we love our neighbors across the street....we just weren't ready to say goodbye to Hyde Park yet. I look forward to sharing some of the changes in the coming months.

I hope they are looking down to see the things that are happening in life.....my heart aches to think if my Mom happened to look down last week and saw how sick my Sister was and how she was so overwhelmed and busy running Aydan everywhere (Soccer, Hockey and Swimming) and helping him with his homework and packing his lunch in addition to working 40 hours at the hospital caring for people.....I think my Mom would be so sad seeing this. I know she would want her to have more support and help. And I think of my Mom's Sister. I miss my Aunt so much. I know how sad this would make Mom. I know she'd look down at me at times, rocking Elle to sleep, as I wipe a tear from my cheek, and she too would cry with me! She was such a mush. She would be devastated and would want to be here. Yet, I hope, they are proud and that their pain is gone and they would be at peace and just want us to be happy......but I just don't know what to believe. Of course you want to believe that but when something like this happens you question ALL faith..........I just hope they are up there together having a great old time knowing they will one day see us all again. I can't wait.

Until then....living on (you will never hear me say moving on-It's such a hurtful thing and I don't think anyone could ever move on after something like this but I pray all of us can "live on", I really pray for that) in honor of my family who we miss SO much.

Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on this evening.

Praying for a baby that was still born last week. I balled my eyes out last week for a friend in the industry that I met here in Cincinnati. Annabelle was laid to rest this week and that sadness, while they were somewhat prepared if that's even possible, has got to be so overwhelming. I can't even relate but I relate to the numbness and deep pain, sadness and anger. Why us she is thinking? I hope she was given the gift of strength that I (think) I have but I also hope she allows herself to have those really weak moments because I sure do.... And Holidays will be so freakin hard. They always will be. Your heart will ache every day but you will smile again......life will be forever changed though. Surround yourself with only the best of people. They'll know the dates and times that will be really rough in your coming days, months and years.....I hope they are there for you always.

With love,

Melissa

cincy weekend

At last, a weekend that wasn't so hot. Wonderfully sunny and around 75 degrees..........fun with friends, a fabulous dinner party, shopping, farmers market, several walks, went for a run......pumpkin ale with friends.....a playdate with Elle's friends, caught up on yard work, etc....

Off to DC on Friday with the little family.......cannot wait. I love a busy life, it's the only way to do it.

Getting such sweet feedback from my book and I so appreciate it. I miss my parents more then anyone could ever understand- I am so thankful people are taking the time to read my love for them and can sense my hope for a less painful future....

With love,

Melissa

A healing heart by Melissa A. Close

I have faced and continue to face my fears........one of them being how I would tell my daughter and nephew this story one day? The darkness yet the journey of healing, the pain of not having my parents in my future life yet the joy and the strong relationship we had for so many years. How would I tell them how much joy my parents got watching Aydan grow and how much they would have loved Elle. I had to document this journey of healing that in my mind has only just begun.............I know this sadness will be a part of my life for the rest of my life but I wanted a vehicle to leave behind. To share today and into tomorrow. To be certain their memory never fades away. For my family and friends to understand this from my perspective, because we all heal differently. A daughter's perspective. A way to show my family and friends how much their support has meant to me but that there are and continue to be days of great loneliness. I want people to know how normal my family was and that this came out of nowhere. But I didn't want to talk too much about my brother, I wanted him to have his privacy. I want and aspire to keep my parents memory alive.....so I decided to write a book...............and self publish it. And I am proud to say, it is officially on amazon.com titled, A healing heart: a glimpse into the first year of a tragic loss. I dedicate this glimpse into my heart and journal entries I have complied to my parents life and to my beautiful daughter and my nephew, maybe now they will have a better understanding one day.

Thank you to all of my parents friends and family out there that continue to check in and read my blog, I think you will enjoy to see the documented version in the book. While heartbreaking to put this project together, something within was pushing me to do so. After having the initial thought and doing some pre-work, I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and after, opened up a fortune cookie. It read "you are a lover of words, someday you should write a book". Once they died, that was all I knew to do was to write.........whether it made sense to anybody else or not, it's the only thing that would allow me to sleep at night. I now have something to leave behind and share with others. I am determined to keep my parents memory alive and share with others that they are not alone and they too can get through anything life throws at them. I wouldn't say I am through this yet........I think I will continue to face challenges daily whether it is simply missing them or situations regarding my brother or overall heartache from not having my family unit together. But, I want people to know it is possible to still live with tremendous heartache. I was given such a tremendous gift of strength and I know even through some of the people impacted by my parent's death, that not every one has this skill. There are days I think I am the weakest of all and I am really down and think how awful this has all been but then they are days that I know how lucky I was to have them in my life even though it was much too short. They were so special to me and I pray their memory one day overcomes the tragic way they left the world.

Thank you for checking out the book on amazon and to my friends and family who will gather with us in October to see the book and to share in a little celebration......

lonely heart

Miss Elle's almost 20 MONTHS! (I continue to say she's 18 months when people ask......) She can now play the piano (OK, so she can hit some keys on this cute piano we have in our neighborhood) and she can hang from a bar in gymnastics class (OK, while the instructor holds her up) BUT she's still talented people! (totally kidding)..........she's at a really fun stage. I know we all say this, but this is my favorite stage. They say "love u" and hug you and eat (most of the time) and drink their milk and water BUT they throw tantrums (like today when I took her to the square and someone was playing on HER piano. That was not cool according to her. But I love that I can still rock her. I am so glad I never stopped as it's part of our routine. I read her a book or two, sing a little, pray, and rock her in my Mom's chair for a few minutes and down she goes.......

Not going to lie..........it was a lonely weekend though........I just miss everyone. Ted, my parents, my grandfather at the lake, my aunt-so much has changed, my Sister (she has SO much courage) and my friends (thanks to skype I caught up with two of them today).... My Sister was courageous today and had dinner with my brother. No glass separating them. They ate his favorite foods. I never asked her if she ended up making my Mom's cheesecake that he requested. I don't want to know. It's all too much to handle. Not many people if in her shoes could do this. I still cannot imagine, yet it causes me much discomfort.....I was enjoying my morning walk through our beautiful neighborhood, got my $4 coffee that I love from the farmers market, and chased Elle around the fountain barefoot.........but yet I was still lonely-thinking of everything--why MY brother and MY parents. I am so lucky to live in such a great place as I seriously get anxiety to think if I weren't in a neighborhood like this. I like my freedom and I love how I can walk anywhere.....I'm even venturing out and getting to know people at the end of our street, we've mainly stuck with our end of the the street (we love our neighbors across the street) but with walking Elle so much, I started stopping and chatting and there's so many kids on our street......I even found an interior decorator. Not that I need one or would hire one for my entire house, but I am looking for a few ideas once we open up our floor plan which is hoping to be our Fall project. I need projects. They keep me sane.......

And as much as I enjoyed my entire weekend spent with Elle and especially loved breakfast with her and Ted after her first gymnastics class, I'm oddly enough okay with going to work tomorrow. I like to be around people......BUT, I am hoping for speedy week as a great friend is getting married in Toledo this weekend and it is sure to be an event...........

I miss my loved ones.

With love,

Melissa

the new generation taking over Harrison, MI

Well, the weather was pretty yucky which was odd for Northern Michigan over Labor Day but I was really excited to have my friends up to the lake and to be honest, relieved to not be putting on a big party or dinner. It was one of my more relaxing weekends up there. Sure, I could have cleaned out closets and drawers but there's years to do that stuff......I wanted to sit down on the dock and enjoy one last Summer weekend sitting on a chair with a cold beer but the weather was unseasonably cold and sadly, rain came in. But, we still managed to see the sun shining against the lake Sunday morning, played several games of 31, ate brownie S'mores, and enjoyed watching Aydan, McKenna and Elle at my parents favorite place.

It still sucks. I think it always will. I would try not to think about it and enjoy the people I had up there but there were moments where I would just think how much fun they would be having if they were alive with our friends and kids up here.......it still makes me so sad...they should be here....what if I never fully enjoy this place again? This place wasn't "left behind" to us, it's so different, our family was ripped apart and we are left with it. But, they loved this place. It brought them such relaxation and joy. I wish I knew what they would want. I think they would be happy we are going up there and enjoying their place and sharing it with our loved ones and making new fun memories with friends.........

I got to see Grandpa. He looked great. He stopped by for a drink with Eve and some of her family that was up visiting. I know it's hard for them too and I so appreciate them coming over to see miss Elle. I love my Grandpa. Him and my Mom were so close and I know for a fact it would mean the world to her if we maintained our relationship. We have and we will.......he's the closest thing I have left to her and my Father adored him as well......such a unique relationship.......I know he misses them as much as I do. He knows just as much about the lake house as my parents did. He was called throughout the day over the years to come over and help my Dad "fix things". He chuckles about this now.

I do love northern Michigan. I wish I would have told my parents how much I appreciated it up there. Wish I would have brought my friends up there even more but I know the times that I did- they were on cloud 9. I love our home up there. It's cozy and the view of our little lake is peaceful and I love the that we are surrounded by huge tall trees that hug the stars on a clear night. It's a great spot for friends and family to enjoy.

I am once again thankful for the friendships we have and the good times we experience......thinking of you always,

Love,

Melissa

one last cruise around half moon lake

Heading to the lake for labor day.....................it's getting more fun with Elle as she can run now and play outside and I think she will begin to enjoy it even more up there.....watching Aydan kick a ball around, cruising around half moon lake on Dad's pontoon boat, and breathing that fresh air that I didn't truly appreciate until much later in life.......we are so lucky to have been calling Harrison, MI our second home since we were born. Always a place where my parents spent time with friends and their family. It makes it so hard to be up there without them because we know if they were alive how much they would love to be up there with our friends and their grandchildren. It would have made their weekend having us all together....they loved showing their kids and grandchild off...........we will miss them so much this weekend and I will remember that labor day 3 years ago that I spent with mom and dad.......who would have ever guessed just 3 years later, they would be gone and we would be bringing our children up there. It's really heartbreaking. We are so thankful our friends are coming up to join us for some fun as well, our friends are always invited and welcome to join in the fun. We may not have a ton of family to come up with us but we sure have wonderful friends to experience this weekend with while keeping the memories we have shared with my parents on half moon lake- in our hearts forever.

Looking forward to cooler nights, star filled skies, yummy food by the fire, seeing Grandpa, watching Aydan and Elle run around and spending time with our good friends-and their child and seeing a growing belly too!!! We wish you were there Mom and Dad and we know how much you would want to be here..........that's what really sucks. That place will never be the same and I can feel the void the entire time, I carry it with me throughout the weekend, trying to distract myself and not think about it too much because it can get the best of you.....it really can. This was their favorite place in the world.....and they were suppose to spend many more years with us..........

With love,
Melissa