I love the lake, I really do. But I hate being there without my Parents. It's work for one....I feel responsible to put on the dinners (Ted, Christina and Matt do the cooking of course) and parties to continue the traditions and entertaining- my Parents always did such a good job at all of this. They didn't stress like I did or maybe they did and didn't show it but I swear that just loved people around, Dad was magic with entertaining and cleaning up. I worry about keeping the house clean and maintained and we only have a few days up there a year so the time we do have is already rushed and stressful and we're chasing Elle, fixing things, etc. And it's just hard to be at a place that my Parents only got to enjoy for a little over 10 years- it breaks my heart. I see the beauty now clearer then I ever have. The stars are just unreal at night and the lake looks like glass as the sun starts to set. The dock that we built is just amazing. Such a place to gather, enjoy a glass of wine, catch some rays and an awesome place to catch the 4th of July half moon lake fireworks. We literally had our own private firework show. I think the only other audience were my Uncle and the family staying with him at his property down the lake. They were some of the best fireworks I had ever seen. Elle was sleeping, and some of my family members and I just sat there on the dock with drinks in hand ooohhhing and ahhhing over the display of sparkles in the sky. I want to share the beauty with them and have the opportunity to say thank you to Mom and Dad- thank for you for taking me to Harrison all of my life and apologize to them for not appreciating it until my adulthood.
There were times of stress and sadness. Someone near and dear to our hearts is ill. A person has to want to get help. No one is to blame; not my parents death nor other stress and sadness but they've been through a lot, more then most could handle. We are all responsible for our own actions though. Many of us feel great pain and sadness but we get up every day and add value, take care of our families and make the best of our life. I have a heavy heart for many of my days, and have moments of anger, jealousy and real sadness but I have moments of peace knowing what spectacular loving parents I had and that there are not many that had what I had, even though very few will ever face what I have faced- I know my family is stronger then most. If we (most of us) are still smiling today after this dark tragedy, then we are should be proud of our courage and ability to "live on". I don't think it will ever get easier and hate to hear that time will heal as I can't imagine even 10 years going by and me being okay with their tragic death and being okay that my brother is in a hospital. But I do know I can still live on. I also hate, hate, hate, the thought "move on". I don't believe anyone I know would ever move on if they lost their greatest loved ones in a way such as this but our strength does pull through for us and allow us to slowly move back into life. I still don't watch TV or listen to sad songs or read depressing books. I may never.
There were times of stress and sadness. Someone near and dear to our hearts is ill. A person has to want to get help. No one is to blame; not my parents death nor other stress and sadness but they've been through a lot, more then most could handle. We are all responsible for our own actions though. Many of us feel great pain and sadness but we get up every day and add value, take care of our families and make the best of our life. I have a heavy heart for many of my days, and have moments of anger, jealousy and real sadness but I have moments of peace knowing what spectacular loving parents I had and that there are not many that had what I had, even though very few will ever face what I have faced- I know my family is stronger then most. If we (most of us) are still smiling today after this dark tragedy, then we are should be proud of our courage and ability to "live on". I don't think it will ever get easier and hate to hear that time will heal as I can't imagine even 10 years going by and me being okay with their tragic death and being okay that my brother is in a hospital. But I do know I can still live on. I also hate, hate, hate, the thought "move on". I don't believe anyone I know would ever move on if they lost their greatest loved ones in a way such as this but our strength does pull through for us and allow us to slowly move back into life. I still don't watch TV or listen to sad songs or read depressing books. I may never.
I think of my Mom and how sad she would be and how angry my Father would be with this person's illness. My Dad hated any family drama. He seriously was happiest when everyone was just getting along. As one of my Aunts said to me, "your heart was in the right place" as we did our best to pull the family together, have shirts made in honor of my parents and new memories, and gather everyone outside of my parent's home with the lake as our background for a family photo.
But, maybe this isn't what my parents would want. Maybe I am trying too hard to fill the void of their loss that I am constantly looking for family to be together for friends to make plans with, to keep busy, to always be going, going and doing, doing. Sometimes I feel like if I am not busy planning something that I will have to stop and face reality. I have those moments when I am reading to Elle and it's quiet. I don't like those quiet moments other then being with Elle of course, but there is too much time to think and reflect. Time to think how much I would love for my Mom, Dad and brother to see Elle grow....to watch her running around on my Dad's pontoon boat in her first pink life jacket. I think of the joy that would have brought to their lives. My Dad was very proud of me. He was proud of the person I married, proud of my career, and proud of my life experiences and living in nice places they could visit. I annoyed and upset him several times and caused him stress but I know he was proud. My struggle now is not knowing what they would want us to do...with the family, the lake, my brother, and everything else that goes along with this. I am trying to make them happy even when they are not here.
I need to continue working on lowering my expectations.....but as I am learning through therapy, I have these expectations, wants and wishes only because of the experience I have been through and that constant loneliness and desire for strong family bonds and friends that will always be there. This is not always reality. People have their own lives and I cherish the people in my life that the relationship is effortless and reciprocal. But I know not everyone can always be there for me and my family. Humans have limitations. I am starting to get it........
A person I work with who I admire deeply passed me a picture of herself, daughter and mother today at lunch. How rude of me that I stared at it for about 20 seconds, eyes watering up, thinking of seeing Elle grown up and picturing my Mom with grey hair and posing for this same picture. I quickly commented positively on the picture, ordered my food and moved on. I really didn't even see the picture, I just wanted it to be Elle and my Mom and I 20 years from now. These little things I still find difficult- a picture? ...........ugh, and the big things are even more difficult. But I can honestly look myself in the mirror each day and say, good job, Melissa. You are doing this on your own with Ted. I never wanted it this way but I will hopefully one day be stronger, better, while carrying all the memories I have had with my wonderful folks along with me for every move and decision I shall make. They are always with me...........just wish they were really WITH me.........and the pain of how they died will always be there. I always say to myself knowing it cannot change the reality, "any other way.............disease, accident.....any other way that didn't take them both away from me and my family so quickly".
You were missed at the lake as always....I can only imagine now what fun having both sides of your family to one of of your favorite places would have made you.
Praying for my family and strength for those that need it most. This has not been an easy ride....but when I look through my pictures from this past weekend, you would never know anything was wrong with my close knit family. While I love pictures as much as my Mommy, they often don't tell the full picture.....
Appreciative for my family that flew in from Atl and Tx and everyone else that drove up north to share in some fun at a special place...
yikes...I rarely use the word hate and I think I used it several times in this post. sorry. my Mom didn't like the "hate" word and really got annoyed when using god's name in vein. "say gosh" she would say!
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