John Mayer concert

I had a great time last night attending the John Mayer concert with my manager, Jodi. She was so sweet to take me along as an early birthday present. She reminds me a lot of my Mom...she's about the age Mom was when I got married and her relationship with her daughter reminds me a lot of the dynamic between my Sister and I with my Mom. Very fun, loving, caring, helpful, say-anything kind of relationship. My Mom liked John Mayer and I pictured her with us, dancing, having a beer while enjoying being there..... I haven't been to a concert in a long time and I see the appeal now. The music was great, John Mayer was amazing live and we had great seats. He has so many incredible songs.

Elle stayed back with Daddy; they had dinner and read books and he put her to bed but prior to me leaving for the concert, I rushed home from work and was able to give her a bath, get ready and be out the door to have pre-drinks at my managers house prior to the concert. Mom's are such multi-taskers. I limited myself to a glass of wine and a beer since I was driving but we had so much fun.....now I am looking forward to buying his new CD and getting back into his previous cds.....

Thanks again for such a fun evening, what a great early birthday present. I think of my Mom and the last birthday she celebrated with me. My 28th birthday. It was a very similar evening....dancing, drinks, friends, and out on the town. I miss my fun mom. She was so young at heart....and had such a fun spirit about her. She always had a smile on her face.

a baby shower, friends and another speeding ticket

A quick trip to the beach town of St. Joesph, MI...to attend my very special friend's baby shower. It was so wonderful to see her now going through this and to be able to spend time with her and my friend Nicky as well. (we missed you Al) She has a wonderful family and was recently married to a great guy last year....life has changed for her as well but in such a positive direction....

After the shower, and after hanging out by the pool, we headed into town for some drinks (water martini for Ray) and spent several hours talking with two of my greatest friends. We laughed a lot, there were tears, we talked about how crazy life is and this mess of a two years and things that are going on with their lives........we committed to one another that we would never lose touch and that these weekends spent with friends must continue...no matter what. I love them dearly and it is so nice to talk so openly with them especially while I still learn how to deal with all of this---girlfriends have huge hearts and care and listen and try to relate and agree that it sucks and it's so helpful to talk with them. While they may never fully understand, they sure do listen and continue to be my cheerleader- that my parents would be so proud- and how happy they are on where I am currently at in my life given what has happened and the heartache that continues. I am thrilled to welcome another one of my dear friends to motherhood. Definitely life's greatest gift. Motherhood and girlfriends. What would we do without them?

Although I missed Elle, she had a great day yesterday and today with "papa". They read lots of books, had a pizza night, passed out on the couch with the Dog.....ya know, all of those things that she shouldn't be doing. Glad they enjoyed themselves. And as I tried to rush back to Cincinnati to see them today, I ended up with yet another speeding ticket. This is not good seeing as I have a company car. Why don't I listen to my Dad and think of what he used to tell me? Every time I would leave home, he would say to me, "motor easy". I think that means drive slow and safe. I'm simply blaming it on the Lady gaga CD I purchased on Friday to listen to on the drive.....

Elle's favorite words

And so life moves forward.....at times you feel as if nothing is going right, nothing at all could possibly take away any sadness you may feel but just for a moment, moments such as this, your heart opens up to new possibilities, new changes in your life, new memories, a sense of hope knowing they would be so proud but hurt they weren't here for this part of the journey.....and so she grows, and runs and talks....

These are Elle's current "favorite words" this week...papa, mama, moo, baa, dog, hi, bye.....disregard the talk from the "peanut gallery" in the background. Have I really turned into my Mother or what?

another weekend at home.

Another weekend in Cincinnati...finally back to my weekend schedule of dinners and drinks with friends, walking Elle to the square to play in the fountain while I drink my coffee and Sunday mornings to the farmers market. We kept ourselves busy this weekend and had a sitter last night for our neighbors turn for the dinner party. We had the dessert course and Ted made a champagne cocktail to serve with his Southern Raspberry Tiramasu (sp?). So glad my husband cooks and bakes. Yeah for me. But the problem with this lovely set up is that he travels for work. and I am left with the responsibility for it all. I manage. Elle is such a good girl. Wish she ate more but toddlers graze and other days they eat everything in sight....we have gotten used to this.

I continue to be heartbroken as I watch a loved one go through a difficult time. Rock bottom. A completely different person. They're in every one of my childhood photos and in so many memories with my parents and family, pretty much every memory. Like a sibling to me. Everyone says, "focus on your family, you can't help, there's nothing you can do" but as I have learned through my Parent's death, no ones understands. It's all easier said then done and it's jut a reminder that Mom's gone..... She's not here to help, she's not here to call to get advice and or deal with this. I miss her. And no matter how fortunate we are in SO many other aspects of our life, their death and missing them and worrying about the family-my brother-everyone, continues to bring me down.

It's just a lot to carry on your shoulders and I have done extremely well considering this tragic mess, but I seriously have to work at it every single day or I could so easily rock Elle every night while being a balling mess. I do cry but I incorporate my crying into a song, or a prayer or the books that I read to her at night in my Mom's rocking chair. She hasn't noticed yet but she will one day and for this, I am sorry. It was never suppose to be this way Elle Bell.

Counting down the days to see my girlfriends this weekend.

busy summer

I had the opportunity to meet up with one of my greatest friends and her son and husband last weekend. She lives in AZ......after graduation, we drove off into the sunset together and I helped her move to Arizona. We stopped in Mexico. I drove down steep hills through the West so she could sleep and it was a stick shift and had no idea how to drive it. She literally had to "switch gears" for me. Throughout the years, she's been there for me through the sadness of my parents death and the joys of my baby shower and sent thoughtful things during the arrival of Elle. Though she is miles away, I feel we are always up to speed on each other's lives......it's hard these days but I am thankful for the effort my close friends and I put in to still see each other as much as we can. I am thankful that she drove several hours with her husband and son just to meet Elle and I. It was great to watch her as a new Mommy. She is so laid back and you can see Carter has just adjusted to their lifestyle. We both worry as Moms...we don't want our kids to be brats, as we said, but we also don't want to be the "psycho" Mom.

It's challenging these days but I think if you keep your girlfriends and family close and use them for guidance while sprinkling in your own ways of doing things, all will be just fine.........I go the silly route. I try to be strict. We'll see. My mother was always silly. It's really all I know. She was silly a few days before she died. She was getting a colonoscopy and we chatted the day before her procedure. She found great humor in this. As children, we annoyed her and I can imagine three kids was overwhelming at times but she always told me it was the best time of her life. My Gramma died when Mom was in her 30's-I think I was arouand 8 years old- so she did a lot on her own with the support of her Dad, siblings, and friends. I wish I would have recognized her more for all she did. She was a great Mom who always put her children first but looking back, she kept her girlfriends close. I am proud to stay I have done that too.

I am looking forward to the many adventures with my girlfriends throughout the rest of the summer........dinner party this weekend along with our husbands, heading to St Joe-MI next weekend for one of my best friends baby showers, then Chicago for the weekend for my friends bachelorette party and then off to Hilton Head Island to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and our wonderful friends and their children.

This Summer has already flown by as we've been busy. I like being busy and we are already trying to book things for the Fall and possibly looking to renovate our house if we decide to stay. We were thinking of moving out to the "burbs" for more space, a bigger yard but I continued to think about the neighborhood that I love, the coffee shop and market I can walk up to and the new restaurants in our square that are opening up that I like to take our visitors to when they come. And then the emotional side of things.....my Mom and Dad knew this house and neighborhood. Dad helped us hang things, watered my lawn here, he favored the local pub.....not sure I want to enter a new home without sharing it with them. I know it will happen one day but I am not ready for it.
I think I want to look at options to open this house up a little and stay a little longer.........I continue to be surprised how much we ended up liking Cincinnati.........

I miss you Mom and Dad, every day.

homesick

Life has been challenging these last two years. But when I think of being a new Mom, while I wish I had my family here to see her and help us along, this has been the easiest part of my life aside from learning how to breastfeed and figuring out how to feed her real food and getting her to sleep- we're in a great stage now...... The hardest part has been being a new Mom and not being able to share her with my parents. And not having that one person to call to say, "I need you here, Mom".

Years, days, & moments that are tough, I am thankful to be able to experience happiness watching Elle laugh and hoping for a life of happiness for her throughout all the years of her life. I pray she never has to face this kind of sadness or loss and that she never has to miss me like I miss my Mom unless she's away at summer camp or something. I used to get homesick a lot. I vividly remember staying over "Stephanie's" house. I would get this strange feeling, a terrible homesick feeling and would call home faking an illness. I missed my Mommy, Dad and my home. And as an adult now, I feel the exact same way. I'm homesick......

I'm praying for a family member that is in need of help. A person that has been in my life since the day that I was born. Always laughing and being goofy with my Mom. Very hurtful to watch someone you love face more darkness in their life when so much has happened to our family.

Wishing us all a little laughter this evening.

Melissa

fireworks, wine on the dock and elle on the boat

I love the lake, I really do. But I hate being there without my Parents. It's work for one....I feel responsible to put on the dinners (Ted, Christina and Matt do the cooking of course) and parties to continue the traditions and entertaining- my Parents always did such a good job at all of this. They didn't stress like I did or maybe they did and didn't show it but I swear that just loved people around, Dad was magic with entertaining and cleaning up. I worry about keeping the house clean and maintained and we only have a few days up there a year so the time we do have is already rushed and stressful and we're chasing Elle, fixing things, etc. And it's just hard to be at a place that my Parents only got to enjoy for a little over 10 years- it breaks my heart. I see the beauty now clearer then I ever have. The stars are just unreal at night and the lake looks like glass as the sun starts to set. The dock that we built is just amazing. Such a place to gather, enjoy a glass of wine, catch some rays and an awesome place to catch the 4th of July half moon lake fireworks. We literally had our own private firework show. I think the only other audience were my Uncle and the family staying with him at his property down the lake. They were some of the best fireworks I had ever seen. Elle was sleeping, and some of my family members and I just sat there on the dock with drinks in hand ooohhhing and ahhhing over the display of sparkles in the sky. I want to share the beauty with them and have the opportunity to say thank you to Mom and Dad- thank for you for taking me to Harrison all of my life and apologize to them for not appreciating it until my adulthood.

There were times of stress and sadness. Someone near and dear to our hearts is ill. A person has to want to get help. No one is to blame; not my parents death nor other stress and sadness but they've been through a lot, more then most could handle. We are all responsible for our own actions though. Many of us feel great pain and sadness but we get up every day and add value, take care of our families and make the best of our life. I have a heavy heart for many of my days, and have moments of anger, jealousy and real sadness but I have moments of peace knowing what spectacular loving parents I had and that there are not many that had what I had, even though very few will ever face what I have faced- I know my family is stronger then most. If we (most of us) are still smiling today after this dark tragedy, then we are should be proud of our courage and ability to "live on". I don't think it will ever get easier and hate to hear that time will heal as I can't imagine even 10 years going by and me being okay with their tragic death and being okay that my brother is in a hospital. But I do know I can still live on. I also hate, hate, hate, the thought "move on". I don't believe anyone I know would ever move on if they lost their greatest loved ones in a way such as this but our strength does pull through for us and allow us to slowly move back into life. I still don't watch TV or listen to sad songs or read depressing books. I may never.

I think of my Mom and how sad she would be and how angry my Father would be with this person's illness. My Dad hated any family drama. He seriously was happiest when everyone was just getting along. As one of my Aunts said to me, "your heart was in the right place" as we did our best to pull the family together, have shirts made in honor of my parents and new memories, and gather everyone outside of my parent's home with the lake as our background for a family photo.

But, maybe this isn't what my parents would want. Maybe I am trying too hard to fill the void of their loss that I am constantly looking for family to be together for friends to make plans with, to keep busy, to always be going, going and doing, doing. Sometimes I feel like if I am not busy planning something that I will have to stop and face reality. I have those moments when I am reading to Elle and it's quiet. I don't like those quiet moments other then being with Elle of course, but there is too much time to think and reflect. Time to think how much I would love for my Mom, Dad and brother to see Elle grow....to watch her running around on my Dad's pontoon boat in her first pink life jacket. I think of the joy that would have brought to their lives. My Dad was very proud of me. He was proud of the person I married, proud of my career, and proud of my life experiences and living in nice places they could visit. I annoyed and upset him several times and caused him stress but I know he was proud. My struggle now is not knowing what they would want us to do...with the family, the lake, my brother, and everything else that goes along with this. I am trying to make them happy even when they are not here.

I need to continue working on lowering my expectations.....but as I am learning through therapy, I have these expectations, wants and wishes only because of the experience I have been through and that constant loneliness and desire for strong family bonds and friends that will always be there. This is not always reality. People have their own lives and I cherish the people in my life that the relationship is effortless and reciprocal. But I know not everyone can always be there for me and my family. Humans have limitations. I am starting to get it........
A person I work with who I admire deeply passed me a picture of herself, daughter and mother today at lunch. How rude of me that I stared at it for about 20 seconds, eyes watering up, thinking of seeing Elle grown up and picturing my Mom with grey hair and posing for this same picture. I quickly commented positively on the picture, ordered my food and moved on. I really didn't even see the picture, I just wanted it to be Elle and my Mom and I 20 years from now. These little things I still find difficult- a picture? ...........ugh, and the big things are even more difficult. But I can honestly look myself in the mirror each day and say, good job, Melissa. You are doing this on your own with Ted. I never wanted it this way but I will hopefully one day be stronger, better, while carrying all the memories I have had with my wonderful folks along with me for every move and decision I shall make. They are always with me...........just wish they were really WITH me.........and the pain of how they died will always be there. I always say to myself knowing it cannot change the reality, "any other way.............disease, accident.....any other way that didn't take them both away from me and my family so quickly".

You were missed at the lake as always....I can only imagine now what fun having both sides of your family to one of of your favorite places would have made you.

Praying for my family and strength for those that need it most. This has not been an easy ride....but when I look through my pictures from this past weekend, you would never know anything was wrong with my close knit family. While I love pictures as much as my Mommy, they often don't tell the full picture.....

Appreciative for my family that flew in from Atl and Tx and everyone else that drove up north to share in some fun at a special place...

yikes...I rarely use the word hate and I think I used it several times in this post. sorry. my Mom didn't like the "hate" word and really got annoyed when using god's name in vein. "say gosh" she would say!

family reunion

Many of us will be heading to Harrison, MI tomorrow for the 2nd annual family gathering for the 4th of July since my parents have passed. I have Aunts and Uncles, and cousins coming in from Atlanta and Texas and I am thrilled we are taking the time and making the effort to be together as a family. I have spent every 4th of July as a child in Harrison.......fireworks at Wilson State park, pie eating contests hosted by Mom at Cranberry lake clubhouse, ice cream at Walravens, and bon-fires at night with fireworks, sparklers and s'mores. I took a few Holidays off as I went away to college, moved around for a few years, but I have so many remembered there and one that stands in my mind was about 5 years ago...some of our close friends, Ted's family and my parents all spent the 4th of July together at the lake....it was the perfect weekend. We went swimming in the lake, danced in the kitchen, ate on the deck, Dad cooked us all breakfast. It was the quintessential 4th of July weekend.............I will cherish those days for the rest of my life and thankful Ted's family & our friends got to experience these memories with our family.

My heart will ache this weekend.....it's tough to walk in. I try my best to block it- but the smell when I walk in instantly reminds me of them- where are they I ask? It will hurt when I see Aydan running around, fishing, collecting sticks and witnessing Elle running around on the sand, having my parents friends and family stop by to see her, it will be hard knowing how badly my parents would want to be here for this. They would love nothing more then to have their grandchildren, family- all of their siblings, and friends at their place for a big dinner. So, Chris and I along with the help of Ted and Matt will host a festive 4th of July celebration..........we'll do a toast, we'll take some family photos on the new dock for Mom and Dad, we'll eat, drink and do our best to cherish the time together. Many of us will have heavy hearts. I know it's not easy for others to be there as well. It's very strange to see their things, their decorations and pictures, and collectibles all throughout the house. Nothing has been changed. And yes, the Christmas lights are still hanging in the living room. We can't take them down. We can't move Dad's crossword puzzle he worked on last or Mom's book she was reading.

We will miss them dearly. Please watch down as your children and grandchildren enjoy our childhood place of Harrison, MI. It's so very strange to attend these weekends without our Mom and Dad. They were the hosts, they were the entertainers....they were the coordinators of planning these weekends now we have been given no other choice then to take over. It breaks my heart. We're still kids.......I think of my Aunt and Uncle's beach house in CT....and what it would be like without them hosting their many wonderful weekends with their kids, friends and family. Parents are the glue to the family. It's hard without our parents...........but I continue to be blown away by the resiliency and courage our family has shown through these tough times.

Here's to fireworks, Aunt Lisa's strawberry pies, s'mores, pontooning with Grampa and sitting on the dock of the bay.............wasting time....

Melissa

Happy safe 4th of July.