bored

I feel like a kid again when I was in a phase where all I would say is, "I'm bored".

My parents would be scolding me now, but, I really am bored. Now that Christmas is over, Ted's brother and fiance went back to FL (we only got to see them Christmas eve and Christmas morning), and my Sister and Ted's other brother went back to work, Ted's Mom was sick for 2 days and now poor Ted has been in bed the last 24 hours, most of our friends have returned home or never were here to began with, I am finding myself bored. No more Christmas gifts to wrap or cookies to bake......everyone is returning to their routine except for us- we're still on vacation. This is right about the time where I could head down to Allen Park to be with Mom or where I would leave for an hour or two to drive down to Wyandotte to sit with Grandpa....I so miss having places to bounce around to. We used to enjoy very much getting our families together. I feel robbed at times, selfishly. I feel Aydan and Elle got robbed. And my parents, really got robbed. But I will never forget the 28 years I had with them and no one can ever rob me of those memories. Ugh, I still have my brother's Christmas gift. I need to get it to him.

Elle and I did hit up the mall this afternoon and then we waited for my Sister to finish her errands so I could drive her to the dealership to return her lease. Yay, she finally won't have a car payment and will be driving the car my Mom left behind. Long story but this car started out as mine in Chicago when I didn't have a company car, then I sort of put it back on my Parents when I got a company car back. My Sister drove it for a year or two, then back to my Mom and now back to my Sis. Inside joke, but my Father is really laughing at this one. I am sorry Dad, if this stupid car ever caused you stress.

Elle stayed back with Gramma Close tonight, it's so cold to take the little gal in and out right now if I don't have to and after the dealership- Christina, Aydan, Matt and I ate at a nice restaurant in Downtown Plymouth. It was packed and it was nice to be out and about and get fresh air in a cute downtown area. I miss Hyde Park. I am realizing more and more how lucky we are to live where we live. Who would have thought....Cincinnati?

Tomorrow Ted, Elle and I (if he is feeling better) are going to venture out to another cute area; Birmingham...for a little shopping and then going to one of our favorite little spots with Ted's brother and wife in their neighborhood of Royal Oak. It's non-smoking which will be great for Elle and it has great food, wine and a very cool atmosphere. And then Thursday we have a fabulous NYE celebration to attend. 7 courses with wine pairings among friends and Teddy and I along with our dear friend Josh and his girlfriend are in charge of the "champagne" course and greeting. It is sure to be a great evening. OK, so the rest of my stay here is sounding less and less boring as I talk about what I will be doing the next several days. I'm just crabby. I can't help but think how perfect my life would be if my family unit was still one and if I had my Mom and Dad and a place to call home. That's all I want and as much joy as I still have in my life, it's not enough and I don't expect anyone to understand it. I am learning, unless one has been through a really scary, tough tragedy, it's really hard to relate. It's no one's fault, but it's a lonely ride. Heck, had this not happended, I probably wouldn't ever had understood how sad and difficult life really can be and how precious each and every day is.

I have taken a tremendous amount of pictures on our good camera that I will share once back in Cincinnati. Until then, a few from my phone of our memories this past week. Elle looked like a little doll at Christmas eve mass in her little red coat and fur hat and she enjoyed going back in the locker room after catching Aydan's hockey game. Luckily, Elle is not bored at all and really, that's all that matters.

Happy New Year everyone-especially my amazing friends and family. My resolution for 2010: Continue honoring my parents life and living my life the way THEY would want and hope for-perhaps my hardest resolution yet because I can't get over the fact that THEY would still want to be here. That's the problem with tradegies. No one is ready for them.....

Thank you, blog. You let me vent and now I can go to sleep.......give me the FAITH to start a positive day tomorrow, looking forward to a fun day- I love to shop and I love good food.

Thank you for sending down all of the strength that I surely have needed this year-Mom and Dad. You missed a big one and I have missed you every step of the way.....you're in my heart every day.

First Christmas

Another Christmas has passed us by without Mom, Dad and Justin. Even though it's only been a year and a half, I am forgetting what it's like to have Parents and my immediate Family around me through the Holiday Season. Sure, I have the memories to carry with me forever but its just so different to not go home for Christmas. I miss them terribly and unfortunately, I will miss them this way for the rest of my life. Not having them to share my daughters first Christmas with was just the worst. I never imagined this-I always thought they would be here. It was hard to smile at times-I'm still so angry, even though I have my beautiful daughter this year which has been a huge blessing, there is still such a large void which has sucked most of the spirit out of me.....I do know, though, I still have much to be thankful for.

Ted's parents put on a wonderful Christmas Eve celebration as always. Elle was wonderful at the hour long mass and just stared at the other kids and enjoyed the carols that were sang. Ted helped his Mom put on a wonderful dinner and we enjoyed the Lobster and his attempted Maple Mousse-a recipe that has been in his Family for a while. Ted's Dad did a beautiful blessing and I so appreciate the words about my Parents-nice to know people care and think about them. It really meant a lot. My Sister joined us too and spoiled her niece with many gifts, including her very first pair of UGGS! Our dear friends Melissa and Nick spent Christmas eve with us as well jut as they have been for many years. We all enjoyed ourselves.


Christmas morning we were overwhelmed with stuffed to the rim stockings and endless amounts of gifts under the tree. Elle enjoyed sharing her first Christmas with her Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and us. Elle did a good job ripping open the gifts-with a little help; she recieved her very first recliner chair, toys, books, clothes, shoes and a fun playhouse......she was so tired out at the end of it, she fell asleep next to Daddy by the fire, surrounded by wrapping paper.

Then in the afternoon we headed over to Matt's where Christina put on a really nice dinner. She has turned into quite the entertainer. My Grandfather made it from Harrison and stayed for a few days, and my Mom's brother's came over as well along with Ted's parents and Matt's family.....new traditions. I so missed being at my Mom and Dad's on Christmas day and enjoying my Dad's cooking and Mom's baking but I have to say, the food was excellent that Christina prepared and her incredible baking was even better. She made a ton of homemade cookies and of course, Mom's cheesecakes. She did a really good job putting on her first Christmas. I am proud of her as I know she is struggling just as bad as I am. We are all learning.........Although saddened, I am blessed to have spent Christmas with my daughter and my Grandfather and all of our wonderful family and friends. Thank you for your generosity and love.

The day after Christmas we had the honor of attending one of my dearest friends weddings. the snow was falling which made the backdrop incredibly picturesque. I did a reading at the ceremony and put together a fun picture DVD slideshow that everyone seemed to enjoy while they sipped cocktails during the reception. I just love picture slideshows. My very first one I put together was for my Dad's 50th and I've been doing them ever since....

I look forward to a week back here in MI to catch up with friends, catch a hockey game of my nephew's, some shopping, time with our family, a night out in Royal Oak for dinner, and a fabulous NYE party to attend. I will have some fun....

Merry Christmas

Ted and I have arrived back to Cincinnati safe and soundly but we are missing our Elle. We figured with only having to come back to Cincinnati until Wednesday morning, we would leave her with Gramma and Grampa Close. I know they'll enjoy it. My Mother would be in her glory to watch Elle at this age. It makes me sad my parents won't ever get to experience this but we are thankful she does have Grandparents who love her and enjoy being with her. It's tough though. I wanted my Parents along with Ted's parents to enjoy her together. 

Our friends baby shower turned out wonderful and now we will just wait for the arrival of the little gal. Mel liked all of our gifts and I think she enjoyed her very first Burberry outfit that we purchased for the little one. Only for Mel would I ever buy Burberry for. It was very fitting and I think she enjoyed it. 

We spent time with our friends Saturday evening at a local pub. It wasn't the same level of the Griswold Christmas party we have been doing over the last several years, but we still threw on a silly festive sweater and went out to be together. 

I have a lot to get done these next few days....work, volunteering at the Free store food bank tomorrow, more Christmas shopping needed and more wrapping and packing.....

I wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Be thankful for everyone you have in your life; your parents and grandparents and your children and everyone else that brings joy to your life. I miss my Mother, Father, Brother and Grandfather-another loss this year..... I feel lonely without all of them, but I will do my best as I always do to put a smile on my face and try and enjoy the people I still have in my life. People that bring joy to my life.  But this Holiday, like last year, will be heartbreaking. But I have the greatest Christmas gift I could ever ask for; my daughter Elle. If it wasn't for her arrival this year, I am not sure what my life would have turned out to be.........

Merry Christmas to my loving Family that I have lost-you will be terribly missed this Christmas as you are every day and to all of my Family, Friends and loyal blog readers......thanks for all of the love and support you give to my Family and I even if it's just through reading my posts. You are helping me on this road of healing......thanks for listening all of 2009.........

In loving memory of my Grandpa O. who passed away this year......may 2010 be less painful than the last two years..

Peace, love and hope for 2010, 

All my love, 

Melissa

going back to MI

We're heading back to MI this weekend for our best friend's baby shower and to get together with some of our friends for our annual Griswold Christmas gathering. I am happy that we are keeping busy while being back in MI for the weekend and then for next week too. I think this year is even worse than last year and the only thing I can think of is that I was trying sooo hard to be healthy and positive as possible while I was pregnant. I gotta tell ya, it was tough. 2 months after they were killed, I was pregnant. It was devastating to be going through that and not having the support of your Mom and then not having them through the baby shower and the arrival of our baby....Ugh... it was a nightmare actually, but a part of me is just so thankful I did have the relationship I did with my Parents and how my Mom was my best friend but as I've said so many times, it also makes it that much harder. And there's always regrets. Should of...could of...would of....it's hard. 

We had a little Holiday lunch today at the office. We ate a ton of Food, I actually made from scratch, a chocolate tart (see in picture for proof) and exchanged funny Christmas presents. I work with a great group of people and the office has been positive lately which I need. 

Looking forward to a fun festive girls day on Saturday for my friend Mel and then to put on my Christmas sweater Saturday evening for drinks with friends. Elle is looking forward to seeing Family and friends. 

My Grandfather is out of the hospital and resting and my brother had his surgery and it went good from what my Sister shared.  I bought him a Christmas card tonight. What do I say to him...

It's the Christmas Season

The weekend was spent doing a little Christmas shopping, baking (well, watching Ted make my Mom's beautiful wreath cookies-I helped...they were a hit at the party), wrapping presents and attending our first official Christmas party of the Season. I'm such a Grinch this year again but I still manage to do all of these things with a smile on my face although I'm terribly saddened. I still cannot get over the fact that my parents aren't here. I still can't believe it even though I know it's reality-I will write it and say it till I am blue in the face and I still won't accept it. Sometimes I feel like the only person that would understand would be Mom. But she's gone. Sometimes, only your Mother will do and I feel that way so often now especially facing new Motherhood without her. 

Elle was such a good girl at the neighbors' Christmas party. She played with Trey for a few hours and then let several people hold her; yay- she does not currently have separation anxiety. She even felt so comfortable in one of our friends arms, she gently played with her long blonde hair and slowly feel asleep in her arms. I shook up a few Egg Nog martinis for my neighbor and I and we caught up with some of our Cincinnati friends we are thankful to have. My friend said it best to me; the Holidays must be bittersweet for you. You got it....thanks for thinking of us and understanding! 

Praying for my Grandfather, my Mom's Dad. He is currently in the hospital and has been since Tuesday. He is hopefully being released soon. We had a scare but he should be okay. I am praying he can still come down for Christmas. Selfishly, I need him there. 

The last full week of work before the New Year....I have a few Holiday gatherings this week and have to finish up some things for my friends baby shower and get the last of my Christmas cards out in the mail.....

Love you Mom and Dad.....wishing you were here every day...

Melissa 

rodeo drive

The last few days I traveled to Los Angeles for work. For a few years,  I managed our West Coast Kroger divisions for SC Johnson but this trip was to say goodbye.... I transitioned this business over to my Manager who has now taken over this responsibility since I accepted a promotion a few months back. I enjoy traveling to LA mainly for the weather but also what there is to do after we get our work done. 

I've had the opportunity to eat in the West Hollywood area, visit the Santa Monica Pier, eat overlooking the Ocean in Laguna Beach and now, during my last trip, I strolled down the most beautiful and expensive strip of shopping in the World, the infamous...Rodeo Drive. "I've got money to spend here!" claimed Julie Roberts in Pretty women when snubbed at a boutique. I see how she felt. This street was incredibly luxe but my manager and I tried to fit in quite nicely as we stopped into Burberry and made just a "litte" purchase for Elle. (my Mother would be huffing at this purchase) -I had to. It was just too cute. I won't tell Elle she ever owned anything Burberry. I certainly don't want that to become a habit or for her to grow up thinking you need brand names. Too pretentious- although I do like nice things. I think everyone should have one nice item that will last them years- a handbag, a scarf, a good pair of leather gloves. But other then that, Target will do just fine. Jodi and I made our way to the Beverly Wilshire hotel and walked into the lobby just like in Pretty Woman. It was beautiful. We even grabbed a glass of wine at the hotel bar. Great people watching. The street was decorated beautifully for the Holidays.

Although travel is becoming more difficult now that I have a child, I do still enjoy it. Especially with my Manager, she is wonderful. She gives me great advice and truly will listen to my heartbreak. She doesn't get bored with it. She understands and is supportive. Having a manager that not only supports you professionally and personally makes you want to do a better job because there is such a high level of respect. Compassion and understanding are two qualities I hope for in a manager, mainly due to what happened last year, and I am lucky to say my Manager has them. Makes life just a little easier.....

Goodbye California...I've enjoyed your incredible weather, good food, people watching and shopping these past several years......

~Melissa

Holiday spirit

The second Christmas without Mom, Dad and Justin and it's still just as painful as it was last year. Only now, we have a daughter and while many think that would make it easier, it's actually quite the opposite. I'm saddened they won't be here to see her open her first Christmas gift and everything else that comes along with the Holidays. I don't get to take her to my home for Christmas again this year.... 

It continues to be a struggle for my Sister and I but we continue to move forward and do the things we need to do. While I wouldn't say I have the Christmas spirit, I am doing my best to make sure Elle has a wonderful Christmas even if she really doesn't understand any of this. 

I'm almost forgetting what's it like to say that I love "Christmas time". It used to be my most favorite time of the year and now it has become the most dreaded. I'd do anything for this not to have happened to our family. To be in the midst of Holiday cheer right now, to be gleefully making cookies and happily writing out of my Christmas cards....I'd do anything to have that Christmas spirit back. Just when I think I could get it, I think of the nightmare and think of my brother also being so alone. 

Elle continues to make our days merry and bright....and it's so hard to believe she has been in our lives for almost a year already.....

Elle helped Daddy put the very first ornament on the tree and it happened to read, baby's 1st Christmas 1979. My ornament from 30 years ago....

Missing you Mom, Dad and Grandpa and wishing you were here. 

Merry Christmas everyone...

favorite holiday cookie

My Mom loved to bake. (all of you are thinking, yes, Melissa- we know)...but she got so gitty about it around the Holidays. She always wanted us to help. Every year I would be like, ok, I really will help and learn to make what you're making. I never would learn. I would annoy her and just lick the batter and goof around. I should have paid attention. She would have been so proud. She so enjoyed baking with Aydan, he loved to help. Her proudest moment was when the News Herald came to our home and photographed her in the kitchen baking and then with a perfectly finished tray of cookies displayed in her hand as she stood smiling behind her tree. She made so many copies of that darn article. She literally handed them out. She then got calls requesting orders of her cookie platters. I made her flyers for her to pass out at Boomers. And for the last 3 years of her life, she sold her cookie platters and cheesecakes around the Holidays. Sadly, the next article the News Herald would publish about her -was when she was tragically killed. The first article we helped write and it was beautiful, truly honored their lives that they lived. But then almost a year later they published a terrible article and put terrible details that I could only read a sentence of. All I read what that she was lying in a pool of blood and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. These images are the worst of any kind. No one deserves to die this way by your own child. I literally can work myself up into so much anxiety if I think about it enough. I know it's been a year and 1/2 but it still seems so impossible to me that it really happended.

With the Holidays being tough for us, the only good thing I can think to do is to share a favorite recipe of my Mom's. She made some really good cookies, this one was probably the easiest but one of her cutest. We liked watching her make these and liked even better eating them. This weekend I'll attend my own Holiday cookie party...the Holidays are upon us and while I'm a little down, I will enjoy all of these festive gatherings we have been invited to and will enjoy making one of my most oldest and favorite cookies.......Mom would have loved to be here. They are missed dearly. Thanks for honoring Mom and making your own batch this Season. We love you Mom and Dad and will think of you every day this Christmas Season.

Christmas Corn Flake Wreath Cookies:

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter
4 cups miniature marshmallows
1 teaspoon green food coloring
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 cups cornflakes cereal
1 (2.25 ounce) package cinnamon red hot candies

Directions:
Microwave marshmallows and butter on High for 2 minutes. Stir, then microwave on High for 2 minutes more. Stir. (This can be done in a double boiler if one doesn't have a microwave.)
Add and mix quickly the coloring, extracts, then cornflakes. Drop by spoonfuls in clumps on greased wax paper and decorate with 3 red hots each.
Once cool, transfer to lightly greased serving/storage tray with lightly greased fingers.