All of this also remains one of my biggest fears. I was raised surrounded by family. Sleepovers at Grandparents houses, huge birthday celebrations (not huge as in fancy, huge as in my parents stuffing 50 people in their modest size basement), Christmas eves spent at families homes and the most memorable- at my Grandpa and Gramma's house. My Mom and her siblings and all of us kids would gather there each and every Christmas Eve until Grandpa moved to Harrison (up-north) full time. Grandpa was the only one allowed to pass out the presents, "I have one for a Melisser (he calls me), Justin and Christina, from a Santa?", Grandpa would say. I was surrounded by my young Aunts and Uncles, we were the only kids for most of the years until Aunt Kim started a family; Aunt Lisa and her children were already living in Texas. I look back at the hundreds of photos taken all of these years and I know what was most important to my Parents- their Family-not just us kids but their entire family and of course, their friends. And then there was Christmas day...always held at Mom and Dad's house. Same menu- buffet style, we'd draw names for gifts and we couldn't wait to see who had our name, and as we got older I'd mix up Egg nog Martinis for my Mom and Aunt and we'd get yelled at by the boys as we continued to turn up the Christmas music too loud. Friends would stop by. Holiday cheer was always in the air.
I always told my Mom that my dream was to one day have a huge old fashioned Christmas, with everyone at MY home. But I wanted an open floor plan and a larger kitchen and lots of bedrooms to accommodate everyone to stay. My fear is that this will never happen. Chris and Aydan will always come. Everyone else has other family to see and visit with. What if we're alone? Of course we'll always go back to Michigan to be with Ted's Family, to spend time with my Sister and Aydan and of course to spend time with my one Grandparent I have left and other extended family that lives there. But I know it won't ever be the same. I have these hopes that Elle will be surrounded by all of her Grandparents, all of her cousins, Aunts and Uncles for every Holiday and every birthday but maybe I am setting my hopes to high. We have great friends. They'll also be incorporated into traditions. Heck, we're spending Thanksgiving with Melissa and Nick this year. Maybe that's a new tradition. But I got to be there for my Sister. She has no one or I should say, very little family. She can spend every Holiday with me for as long as I am alive. No matter where I am living; California, Boston, or Cincinnati- I will fly home or fly them here to make certain they too are surrounded by Family. Aydan especially, Holidays are different for him too now. Grandparents make Birthdays and Christmas even more special.
We all have fears in life but frankly had my parents not been killed, I am not certain I would have ever known what this fear felt like. I had my Family, Ted had his Family- we did things together-some Thanksgivings, Christmas and then Easter-we were starting some fun traditions, but we had two homes to have memories shared with our one day future family and there was a place that I could go and kick my feet up on the couch and feel safe and comfortable under the roof of where I grew up.
I'll continue to do what I can to keep everyone together...
I'll keep hoping my brother-in-law and Elle start a tradition of celebrating their same day birthday together one day, I'll continue to do what I can to be with my Parent's siblings as much as I can and spend as many Holidays in MI with everyone we do have and will continue enjoying Christmas Eve dinner at my in-laws home as I have for so many years and I will continue to make time for my Grandpa. Matt and Christina are hosting Christmas Day this year. As strange as this is...my 26 year old Sister hosting Christmas? Totally doesn't seem right but we're all trying to make the best out of it. Someone has to continue the Christmas day "tradition".
Some days I wish I could have like 6 children so Elle would never be alone, she would always have lots of family surrounding her even long after we're gone. But sadly, that will probably never happen. I just pray and hope our families realize and also make the effort to continue to make new memories, share old and new traditions, and make the time for each other. Because at the end of the day, it's really all that matters in life. Family and friends. I was taught well I guess. Wish I had the chance to let them know.
Thank you Mom and Dad. I wish more then anything you were here. My Holidays will never be the same and I'll cry a lot, maybe when no one is looking or as I lay down to sleep at night or when the lights dim at church and silent night is sang-I don't sugar coat anything- it is still incredibly painful, devastating and sad, but I'll just pray you're watching down and giving Christina, Justin and I strength to go on and that Christina and I can live just as you did for the 50 years you had on Earth. You lived such a short life but you left such a long legacy of memories and traditions. Sadly, it makes it even harder that you're gone.
Hopeful (I have my days),
Melissa
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